Caverns & Cutie Marks

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 2: Conscription and Costumes

Author's Note:

Primary Author(s): Wits End

Discord was humming a cheery tune to himself as he drank his hot chocolate when the three saps he had ‘summoned’ suddenly appeared in a flashy poof of multi-colored smoke. Discord swung his mismatched legs off his cushioned recliner and tossed his beverage away before greeting the speechless newcomers with open arms.

“Welcome!” Discord crowed. “To the Game!” Streamers and sparkles soared into the air behind him as a dramatic fanfare played. The three figures were silent as they removed their masks and appraised their new surroundings in confusion. After several moments, they noticed Discord. Recognition, then surprise followed by fear flickered across their faces.

“Aw carp,” the tall, broad one mumbled.

The short figure stared long and hard at his surroundings, and was silent for several seconds before taking a seat on the ground. “This is surely what going mad feels like,” he muttered to himself, drawing his knees up to his chest.

“It would appear that today I wished a little too hard,” the bespectacled figure noted, sounding calm. But Discord could easily see several small cues that signaled the person’s inner turmoil.

“I see you three are rather distraught,” Discord said, swinging his tail idly. “Would you like to hear a little secret?”

“Not particularly, but you might as well,” the tall figure said, unhooking his blade from the cord that threaded through his coat.

“I have brought you three here for a very simple reason,” Discord explained. “You are each to join a party and participate in this little game of mine.”

The short one raised his head slightly, a frown creasing his forehead. “Game?” he asked slowly.

“Yes,” Discord confirmed. “A game. A game where you each play a specific role.” The bespectacled figure narrowed his eyes at Discord. Suddenly, a rather hostile feeling washed over Discord as the bespectacled figure scrutinized him. Shifting uncomfortably, Discord focused on the tall figure. Although he was the largest of the trio, he seemed to be less dangerous than the other two and therefore, safer to manipulate.

“So-”

“What kind of game?” chimed in the one with glasses. “Board game, video game, pen-and-paper role-play, or something a bit darker?”

The short figure stood up, dusting off the seat of his pants. “First of all,” he started, pointing a gloved finger at the one in glasses, “I don’t wanna know where your brain is going with that last option. Secondly, I don’t quite think we’re reacting with the appropriate response given our situation.”

“What?” the tall figure snorted. “Would you rather we were screaming?”

“Yes!” The short figure’s voice reached a new pitch, custom made for that moment. “We’ve either lost our minds, been abducted by a god-like being, or the fundamental nature of reality has cracked like an egg! I think a healthy amount of panic is necessary!”

Discord watched in amusement as the three figures argued. The trio continued as such for some time before abruptly falling silent, their energy spent for the time being.

“Now,” Discord said, clapping his hands together. “Since you’ve calmed down a bit-”

“Nope,” the short figure snapped. “Still panicking.”

“Don’t mind him,” the bespectacled figure sighed, resting his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “He’s always like that.”

“Only when absolutely required!” the short figure said, now wandering a few steps away. “Now it is required!” The tall figure rolled his eyes.

“What game are we participating in?” he asked. Discord poofed and appeared beside a bookshelf. After perusing the shelf for several seconds, he grabbed a book and tossed it to the short figure. That was the second mistake. The first was actually expecting the short figure to catch the flying book.

“Gah!” The short one flinched away from the book for a second, dropping his mask in the process. It was only after he realized that he should actually attempt to catch it did his hands start moving towards it. The grand total was a slightly bent knuckle from running into the spine of the book, and a dented corner. The short figure cleared his throat, attempting to regain his calm as he picked up the damaged tome. The tall figure bent over and began to shake as he stifled his laughter, his mask rolling on the floor beside his large feet.

“Shaddup,” the short figure snapped. “I meant to do that.” He looked at the front cover before flipping it open to a random page. “Caverns and Cutie Marks? Skills, feats, classes… Is this D&D?”

“But ponified?” the bespectacled one mused, dropping his mask and reading over the shoulder of his shorter compatriot.

“Seems like it,” the tall one grunted, stroking his stubble as he stood upright. “But why would he bring us here to play a game like D&D?” He jerked his head at Discord.

“Well, we could take the easy route and just ask the big guy. Or we could go,” the figure with glasses thought for a moment, “deal with a rat infestation, or some kind of fetch chain to get the answer.” The tall one snorted in amusement and looked at Discord.

“I’m guessing that there are other players?” he asked. Discord shrugged.

“You’ll have to find that out for yourselves after you have your roles,” the being snickered, avoiding the question.

“Then what roles do we each have?” the short one asked. Discord grinned and snapped the fingers of his clawed hand. The three figure’s fencing gear evaporated to be replaced with rather archaic clothing and apparel.

The bespectacled figure now had his chest covered with a chain shirt and linothorax, over which hung several belts and pouches. A large pauldron covered his right shoulder and steel gauntlets covered his hands, the arms only protected by the chain shirt. His legs were covered by a pair of splint leggings. His feet clad in a pair of steel boots. And finishing his slightly hodgepodge armor set was a Norman style nasal helm with an aventail.

The short figure was clothed in a set of pale-blue breeches and a matching shirt, both made of fine silk. A pair of belts crossed over his waist, each with a number of vials hanging from them by leather straps. Over it all, he wore a blue sleeved cloak, lined with white silk and clasped at the neck with a golden brooch; its collar several inches tall, so as to cover most of his cheeks when viewed from the side. On his head was a blue peaked cap with a single, large feather pinned to its front.

The tall figure’s pants and jacket had been replaced by a studded leather skirt that ended just below his thick kneecaps and a studded leather shirt. Heavy gauntlets covered the figure’s forearms and hands while iron-shod boots protected his massive feet. To complete the visage, he was painted with a peculiar ink that pulsed a vivid blue and spread in swirling patterns and jagged runes across the figure’s bare arms, face, and shoulders.

“Huh,” the tall figure grunted. “Barbarian… Interesting. And I’m wearing a kilt...spi-” He fell silent and his eyes swelled like balloons. Almost frantically, he checked himself only to breath a sigh of profound relief.

The short, now blue, figure looked himself over, flapping one of his sleeves like a bird testing out its wing. “I feel like a ponce,” he said simply. “Is there a ponce class? I think I’m the ponce class.”

“Do you have any urges to suddenly start speaking french or ride a horse?” the eccentrically armored figure asked.

The short figure thought for a second. “Not as such, no.”

“Then you probably aren’t. You do look poncy, though. Maybe a wizard or some kind of magic user?”

“Great.” The short blue one sighed. “Even when I’m going insane, I’m still the squishy one.”

“At least your look is consistent.” The hodgepodgely armored figure responded motioning to all of him.

“Wait,” the tall one said. “If I’m a Barbarian, then where’s my weapon?” Discord chuckled.

“Your class is something like an unarmed Barbarian,” the creature explained. “Makes for an interesting situation, don’t you agree?” The tall one shrugged.

“I guess,” he muttered, flexing his hands and cracking his neck. “So I just have to punch something until it can’t… erm…‘won’t’ get back up. Charming. Such refined. Much civilized.” The tall figure rolled his eyes sarcastically and crossed his arms.

“The cosplay is great and all,” the short figure interrupted, “but you still haven’t explained what’s going on. For example,” he began counting on his fingers as he listed off his questions, “Why are we here? Why do we have classes? Where are we? And my personal favorite…” He stepped closer to Discord, poking him approximately where he assumed the stomach was, “Why are you real?” Discord blinked. He understood the questions this tiny being had posed, all except for the last one.

“What do you mean ‘why am I real?’” he asked in puzzlement and a little apprehension.

“Oh good, that’s the one I get an answer to.” The short one cleared his throat, and began pacing back and forth in front of Discord and the other two costumed figures. After a moment, he whirled around, poking at Discord again. “What’d you mean, with you ‘what do you mean’?! You’re the worst offender of fourth-wall breaking in the show! You’re even worse than Pinkie is! You did a bit from Mary Poppins, for heaven’s sake! You!” Poke. “Are!” Poke. “A!” Poke. “Toy!” He hesitated for a moment before poking once more. “Well, and a fictional character. But there’s toys of you, so the point still stands! So how is it that you exist, very solidly as I have found out, when your origins are strictly fictional?”

Discord stared down at the sad, strange little man for a minute, processing the rant. While it was true that, as the literal personification of chaos, he had the power to pull things from other worlds—presumably through what the blue one had called the ‘fourth wall’—he’d never considered that in one of them he’d be a fictional character. This raised a series of complex and ground-shaking questions for him.

Discord then promptly realized that, as the literal personification of chaos, none of that really mattered as long as he, as he was now, was still having fun. He felt a lot better after that. Besides, he’d seen similar tirades before; mostly from Twilight when she questioned his powers. He decided to gamble on the short one handling things similarly to the purple pony princess and rolled the dice. “Well, what do you think the answer is?”

The short one’s mouth opened, and he raised a finger dramatically, as if ready to deliver an epic speech that would shake the very grounds of reality. He then held that pose for a good twenty-seven seconds without blinking or breathing. Finally, he managed to get at least part of his brain functioning again. “I’ll be back.” The blue figure then darted back behind the two others, where he crouched down and began muttering to himself and drawing diagrams in the dirt with a twig.

“Great,” the tall one groaned. “You broke him.”

“More of a logic bomb, really,” chimed in the figure with glasses.

“Touche,” the tall figure mused. “But seriously, why did you bring us here? Did you want to harass us with these clothes?” Discord cocked an eyebrow.

“You play games, don’t you?” he asked. The tall one nodded hesitantly.

“Dah… So?”

“Games that require interesting and exotic clothes?” Discord pressed.

“...Not particularly...” the tall figure said slowly. “Us three generally play shooters, RTS games, RPGs… But we’ve never LARPed before. And I’m very happy that we haven’t. Then this happened.”

“‘LARPed?’” Discord repeated. “‘RTS games?’ ‘RPGs?’ These might be common acronyms where you come from, but I have no knowledge of such things.”

“Live Action Role Play,” the tall one ticked off on his fingers. “Real Time Strategy. Role Playing Games. How do you not know about them? You read that knockoff of D&D, so I thought you would know. Humph. Apparently not.”

The short one popped up, pointing a finger at Discord dramatically. “It’s because he’s a-” He looked down at his notes for a second. “Wait. No, no he’s not. Never mind.” With that, he dove back down to his mad scrawlings. The bespectacled one and the tall figure looked at the short one bemusedly.

“I think it would be best that you send us back to where we belong,” the tall one said, turning back to regard Discord. Discord froze, paralyzed by the figure’s hard stare. Now that he had been garbed in something other than a white jacket and grey pants, he seemed perfectly capable of inflicting severe bodily harm. Gulping silently, Discord nodded, his mind racing. Then it dawned on him. His panic fled, only to be replaced by a phony look of defeat.

“Very well,” Discord mumbled, his head dropping. “I shall teleport you.” The figures cheered silently for several moments. Then the bespectacled one balked.

“Wait-” he managed to say before Discord snapped his fingers and sent the figures to their respective parties.

“Let the game begin,” Discord crowed, poofing away to watch his entertainment unfold

Comments

[Fresnor]

Welp, looks like the tall one made a big mistake. Never give any mischievous entity any kind of loophole to work with.

[Seeking Dusk]

Silly boy. Existential crisis don't really hold much weight to a spirit of chaos.

[Dark Nightshade]

That toy story reference was too good! This is a good book!

[Kablam Pony]

Well done, sir. Well done; a golf clap goes out to you.

[Luckyfanisaac]

“Huh,” the tall figure grunted. “Barbarian… Interesting. And I’m wearing a kilt...spi-” He fell silent and his eyes swelled like balloons. Almost frantically, he checked himself only to breath a sigh of profound relief.

You did a bit from Mary Poppins, for heaven’s sake! You!” Poke. “Are!” Poke. “A!” Poke. “Toy!”

I liked that gag in the show.

Discord stared down at the sad, strange little man for a minute, processing the rant.