Chapter 66: The Order
Light Patch smiled when he saw Mistakwe ahead. He and Orb’s group had been lucky to encounter so few zombies. He quickened his pace, hoping to meet up with Wits End quickly so he’d have someone to talk to while they waited for Purple Heart. A grin could just be made out from the skull currently adorning his head. I’ll have to sell this to a tavern, he thought, noticing all of the strange looks he was getting from the ponies. It’s a nice skull, but it’s a bit big to easily carry along. The pegasus wandered through the town’s outskirts for a bit before he walked up to one of the guards.
“Could you point me towards the nearest tavern? I’m looking for a friend and I figured checking the taverns would be my best bet.”
The guardspony raised an eyebrow as he got a look at the strange headgear of Light Patch’s but quickly shook it off and pointed down a street to his left. “You wanna go that way until the fifth chance to turn right. It’ll be the big brick building.”
Light Patch thanked the guard and set off along the specified route. This town seems okay. Doesn’t really look like much is going on, the pegasus thought. I wonder what was keeping them from responding to Amber's messengers. He entered the tavern and looked around for either of his friends. Seeing neither of them, he shrugged and made his way up to the front of the tavern and took a seat at the bar. He looked around a bit before he caught the sight of the bartender. “This is a nice place, but I think it’s missing something,” he said, looking at who he assumed was the owner.
“Missing what?” the old griffon asked, wiping a tankard out.
“How about a nice monster skull from the caverns? I might know where you could find one,” Light Patch said, lifting the skull on his head up for the tender to get a better look.
“And how much might this supposed skull cost me?” the griffon asked, looking curious.
“A couple of tankards of cider, maybe a room for the night if you think it’s a nice enough skull.”
“And just where might I put the skull? Over the door or bar?”
“Too easy. I’d say put it over a barrel of your strongest or spiciest drink.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you haven’t got a lick of taste or style in you?” the bartender asked, placing a couple of tankards of cider along with a room key.
“More times than I’d care to admit,” Light Patch said bitterly while lifting the skull off his head to place on the counter. “You wouldn’t have happened to have seen a mint splotchy colored unicorn, would you? He’s a bit on the short side.”
“I’ve seen a couple of pinto patterned ponies today, no mint colored ones, though.” Light Patch frowned for a moment before picking the drinks and room key up and moving to an unoccupied table where he could watch the door from.
A soon as Light Patch’s flank touched the seat, the door opened as a female cyan pegasus trotted in and made her way to the bar. Light sipped from one of his tankards, eyeing the pegasus as she spoke to the griffon barkeep. His eyes narrowed briefly when a gnarled claw pointed towards him. The pegasus looked over, her eyes flashing with recognition. Hiding behind the tankard in his hoof, he waited, resigned to the inevitable. The sound of hooves clopping on the wooden floor reached his ears that eventually stopped right beside him. The pegasus cleared her throat, obviously trying to get his attention.
“This isn’t the pony you're looking for,” he said, waving his hoof before he took another sip of his drink. “You can go about your business. Move along.”
The mare arched an eyebrow at Light Patch, bemusement shining in her eyes. “I can see why Purple Heart associates with you,” she mused. “You both say the strangest things.”
“Purple Heart? Is he here already?” Light Patch asked, surprised. The cyan pegasus inclined her head in the affirmative.
“He’s been here for some time actually,” she confirmed. “Helped the town with its problems, ordered me to keep an eye out for ‘a gray pegasus who likes obscure references’ and ‘a sarcastic unicorn the color of toothpaste’, and got somepony to work on his gauntlet. Then he barricaded himself in his room to deal with paperwork, what little he has, of course.”
“He got here first?” Light Patch quietly asked himself. “Weird. Normally he’s the last one.” He shook his head before looking up at the pegasus before him. “He’s got paper work now, huh? What’d he do, retake the town from invaders and install himself as Governor-Militant? Does he have a stupidly large coat collar now? Oh, please say yes...”
Navee blinked. “I don’t know about a tall collared coat, but I do know he isn’t Governor-Militant, whatever that is.” She paused, shuffling her hooves and preening her wings briefly. “Well, since you are here, we might as well go meet him. He told me to escort you to him once you arrived. I’ll have to go searching for the ‘minty pinto’ afterwards.” She stood to one side, gesturing with a wing to the stairs leading up to the higher levels of the tavern. Light Patch stood, nodding in agreement. He slipped his room key into a pocket and grabbed the two tankards.
“Sounds more like an ice cream flavor than a pony,” he commented. Navee giggled and led the other pegasus up the stairs to Purple Heart’s temporary abode. Once they reached the door to Purple Heart’s room, Navee raised a hoof and was about to knock on the door when Light Patch’s hoof and an evil grin on his face stopped her.
The grey pegasus motioned for her to move aside and stood in front of the door when she did. Still wearing the grin, he knocked on the door three times before saying ‘Purple Heart.’ He paused for a second and then knocked three more times before saying his friend’s name once more while desperately trying to hold his laughter in. He then repeated the process one last time before allowing his laughter to burst forth. For a while, the only audible sound was Light’s laughter. Then hoofsteps were heard on the other side of the door, stopping as whoever inside reached the door. Purple Heart’s deadpan face came into view as he opened the door.
“I really, really want to punch you right now,” the purple earth pony grumbled, “but I can’t fault your exquisite reading of a perfect opportunity and seizing it with both hooves. Well played, Light Patch. Well played. You got me.” He turned from the door after picking up the untouched tankard, beckoning with his tail. “You can go look for Wits End now, Navee.”
The cyan pegasus inclined her head and departed, leaving Light Patch alone in the hallway.
“Come on in, Light Sheldon. Watch out for piles of paper and such. Someone tossed my ‘friendship agreement’. I got a paper cut a few missives ago, so hold the lemon juice,” Purple Heart called over his shoulder.
A metal clang echoed through the room as Light Patch banged a hoof on his chest before half shouting, “Yes Governor-Militant!” before finally entering the room.
Purple Heart raised an eyebrow. “Really? I don’t even rank as a proper Guardspony commander?” He sighed, carefully shifting a pile of paperwork off to one side. “I can’t help but noticed a serious lack of noblepony. Did he go the way of the Wits and fall of a cliff?” Light Patch sighed heavily and finished the last of his cider in a big gulp.
“I bucked up,” Light Patch said quietly, staring at the bottom of the tankard. “It was a mind control artifact and he wanted to use it. We got in a fight that ended when we both almost got blown up by the artifact when it got caught and broken in our fight. Last I saw of Just Duty was him leaving me for dead.”
The purple earth pony’s eyebrows nearly disappeared into his mane. “Seriously? Huh... He didn’t seem like a baddie when we left Gallopilli. Think shenanigans are in play?”
Light Patch gave a short bark of laughter. “Gibbs Rule thirty six,” he began, looking up from his tankard, “‘if you think you're being played, you probably are.’ Discord is running this. I’m sure there is something going on. I just wish I knew exactly what. As for Just Duty,” the pegasus gulped, “I suspect a question I asked him causeed him to become obsessed with ridding the world of evil by any means necessary.”
“Exterminatus-style, huh?” Purple Heart sucked air through his teeth in a hiss. “Nice job breaking it, hero.” He paused for a moment, his eyebrows narrowing. “You don’t think we’re on that list of evil, do you?”
Light Patch glared at Purple Heart, “Thanks for making me feel better. It’s more of a mind domination style last I saw. As for us being on the list?” The pegasus shrugged. “Probably not yet. He did label me as ‘a coward who’s not willing to do what was needed to remove evil.’ But I’m sure when we have to stop him. We’ll be on it.”
“Sounds like it.” The purple barbarian grinned. “Three colts against one old stallion with no special powers. Almost doesn’t sound like a fair fight.” His grin widened. “Maybe we’ll have Wits hang back and commentate instead. That’ll even it up.”
“He may be old but he still remembers how to fight. If he still had his magic, I’d have been in a lot more trouble,” Light Patch replied as he rubbed his side where he’d been hit.
“Hum,” the purple barbarian hummed, flipping through a sheaf of papers. “It’d be an even greater pain if he had a ‘Diehard’ trait or whatever the carp it is that lets a paladin keep fighting even while unconscious.”
“That could only make it worse if he’s got some kind of powerful healing ability. Anyway, what have you been up to while I was under the operating axe of this world's equivalent of an Ork surgeon?” Purple Heart shuddered at the analogy.
“Welp, as you can see, I got a follower,” he said. “Navee. Apparently, there’s a cult following in the mountains that had some strange stone that would change all ponies, save unicorns, into daemon-ponies. I got captured and they tried using it on me. It didn’t work. So, they made me their leader.”
“Huh... Almost sounds more interesting than having some monster’s heart implanted into your body. But seriously, you touched a stone and they made you leader? Cults just aren’t like they used to be. They’ll make anyone leader now,” Light Patch mockingly groused.
“I did have a referral they couldn’t say no to,” Purple Heart replied. “Cults aside though, I solved the problem of missing couriers sent here.”
“Oh yeah?” Light Patch asked. “Do tell.”
“It’s your classic ‘party one has sacred land, party two builds on sacred land, parties are in a feud now’ gimmick,” the purple earth pony explained. “Hares and Ponies. The Hare Clans hold a meeting here every decade. Only problem is, Mistkawe was built here during the decade the Hares were away. I...persuaded them to agree to an equally beneficial solution for both parties.”
“Huh,” Light Patch grunted thoughtfully. “And the missing couriers?”
“Requisitioned to assist in constructing Wall Maria around the town,” Purple Heart said. “Now that the conflict is dealt with, they’ll return to Gallopilli.”
“Awesome sauce. Can’t wait for Wits End to get here so we can hear what he’s been up to,” Light Patch said as he made himself comfortable on the bed in Purple Heart’s room. “You hear anything from the mares? I was deep underground so Twilight wasn’t able to message me. Well, I think she got through once, but I was busy having a panic attack... Soooo, yeah.”
“Heh,” Purple Heart chuckled. “She called me to complain about your ‘panic attack.’ Nothing much was said though. I presume she called Wits next. Dunno what’s going on with him.”
A knock sounded on the door. Both colts turned, half expecting two more raps on the door. When it didn’t continue, Purple Heart stood.
“Aye?” he called. “Who is it?”
An unfamiliar voice sounded from beyond the doorway. “I’ve a message for one Purple Part?”
Purple Heart arched an eyebrow and blinked. “It’s Purple Heart. Not Part. I don’t even know who has that surname.”
“My apologies.” The voice made an uncertain noise. “This handwriting is terrible. I was told by a pegasus mare I could find Mr. Heart here. I bring a message from Wits End.” A short pause. “May I…come in?” Purple Heart blinked again and looked at Light Patch. Shrugging, he turned back to the door.
“Enter,” he said.
The door swung open to reveal a slender, dirty-green unicorn of indeterminate gender. The pony brushed their mane away from their eyes as they entered. “My name is Keen Palm. I came across Wits on the lower road into town.” Keen turned to the grey pegasus on the bed. “I assume you are Mr. Heart?” Purple Heart jerked, surprised by the fact that the newcomer thought Light Patch was him. The similarities with another being of...questionable gender sprang to the forefront of the purple earth pony’s mind. He shivered, shaking off the feeling as Light Patch responded.
“Light Patch actually. He’s Purple Heart,” Light Patch replied, pointing at the other pony in the room. “Half of his name is exactly what it says on the tin.”
Purple Heart cleared his throat. “Um, yeah. Me. You say you met Mr. Sarcas- ehrm, Wits on the road?”
Keen nodded. “I met him two days ago. He was having difficulty with a wounded leg, so I gave him a ride on my wagon. He spoke of his two companions at great length.” The unicorn bowed his head to Light Patch. “My apologies. You two looked so much alike.” Keen’s face took on a bemused smile. “I now see that you’re the more handsome of the two.”
For the third time in as many minutes, Purple Heart blinked. He glanced at Light Patch, meeting the surprised pegasus’ gaze. Sighing, Purple Heart turned back to address Keen Palm.
“Appearance aside,” he said, “what’s wrong with Wits? He must be in trouble to have to send a courier.”
The green unicorn shook their head sadly. “I’m afraid that Wits End, along with my wagon, has been taken by a truly terrible beast. At noon yesterday, a great dragon beset us and took my wagon with it; with Wits inside.” Keen looked back up, a hint of a tear in their eye. “He told me that he knew of no-ponies he trusted more than you two.”
“Wow, I’m kind of flattered. Now I almost feel bad about all of the carp I’ve given him at times… Almost,” Light Patch noted.
“Indeed,” Purple Heart agreed. “Makes me kinda regret all those Shoe Tucker posts. Before we got desensitized, of course. Now, what great dragon are we talking about? ‘Anacalagon class’ great? ‘Smaug class’ great? Or perhaps ‘Bowser class’ great?”
Keen raised an eyebrow. “I’m afraid I’m unfamiliar with your classification of dragons. Perhaps I could describe it for you?”
“That’s probably the best course of action,” Purple Heart mused.
“I’ll do my best, then.” The green unicorn cleared their throat. “It was clearly a female, with mighty piercing eyes like molten gold itself. A pair of horns jutted from her head like this.” Keen held their forelegs against the sides of their head like two horns curving backwards. “Her wings easily darkened the sky above us, and she was covered in many hardened scales.”
Throughout the description Light Patch listened carefully, thought and concern etched into his face, “What color was the dragon's scales?”
The barest smile crossed Keen’s lips. “Why, the brightest pink. How else would I know it was a she?”
“Rovlemhage?” Light Patch whispered to himself. Is Discord bringing characters from our own works of writing into this now?
Purple Heart blanched, recognizing the description. “Hooo dear,” he whispered, his mind travelling the same distraught paths Light Patch’s was. Clearing his throat, he looked at Keen. “What was Wits’ message?”
“Oh, it was quite simple.” Keen’s smile turned into a full-on grin as they looked out from under their bangs, one eye lit by a magical light. The light spread across the unicorn, enveloping their body before it morphed, losing height and slenderness. When the light receded, a familiar mint-colored unicorn stood in Keen Palm’s place. “Kept ya waiting, huh?” Wits End asked.
Light Patch’s mind worked overtime as it attempted to process the sudden flood of information. After a few moments he was able to string enough words together to form a sentence. “The barn staple flew the moon cheese.” After a few seconds longer and the success of the previous attempt, a further was made, it was two more after that before coherency was restored. “You’re a changeling?”
“He’s not holy enough,” Purple Heart commented, noting the lack of holes that changelings were known for. He cocked his head, thinking back to when they’d first split up on the road to Mistakwe. “Does all this,” he waved a hoof at Wits End, “have something to do with that scroll you were pouring over when we left Gallopilli?”
Wits grinned. “What, this?” The light returned and left, leaving Purple Heart looking at himself. The original Purple Heart grunted in surprise. The second purple earth pony frowned in an exaggerated fashion. “Grumble grumble, Purple Heart, king of the pirates.” A second flash brought Wits End back. “Yeah, yeah it does. And it’s awesome.” He paused as he thought. “Well, mostly awesome. I kinda made a pseudo-evil version of myself who did some stuff, but that’s all taken care of now.” He tapped his forehooves together. “That reminds me! What’s up with the bird wearing a giant monster skull downstairs?”
“Don’t look at me,” Purple Heart said, waving a hoof as he stepped back. “I arrived before the bird got it. This is my first hearing of it.”
“Long story. The short of it is I found this world's version of Ork’s with a ‘k’ and their doks hand out skulls to good patients like ours do lollipops,” Light Patch said, patting his chest. “Apparently I went through my Slime Lord heart transplant like a trooper.” He finished with a shrug and a quick clap of his hoofs.
“Sounds like-” Wits stopped and blinked. “Wait, huh? Do slimes even have hearts?” He frowned. “Wait, that sounds like the premise for a dating sim…”
Purple Heart snickered. “Perhaps the sequel to Hatoful Coltfriend? It does seem-”
“Purple, Light, Wits? We’ve got a bit of a problem...” The three colts blinked, surprised at the sudden connection.
“What sort of problem?” Light Patch questioned after the initial surprise had worn off. “We talking big ‘end of the world’ level issues? Or ‘I forgot to get the eggs for tonight's egg drop soup’ level issues?”
“...You’re not being at all amusing,” Twilight grouched.
“There ain’t nothing amusing about us,” Purple Heart retorted sarcastically.
Wits tsked. “Really? A double negative? Didn’t you just get out of pony jail for your grammar laws?”
“I’ve been having a bad day. Buzz off, Mister Palm Tree,” the purple earth pony sneered, glaring at Wits. “What’s this ‘bit of a problem’ you six are having?”
“We’re standing here in Ade-”
“That’s good.”
“Shut it, Mr. Bruise. We’re here in Ade and there’s nopony in sight. The town is deserted.”
“That is an issue. You want us to hurry over to Ade? Or do you think you six can deal with it?” Light Patch replied, looking concerned.
“What issue?” Wits countered. “Sounds like the prime time to loot all of the things. Fill your pockets with the most valuable stuff, and we can sell it to buy new villagers.”
“Or scrounge up 50 food for each ‘shee-ho’ if you like,” Purple Heart offered.
Twilight was silent for a moment. “First of all, no. Secondly, where have you been, Wits? I’ve been trying to contact you for three days!”
“Um… AFB?”
“AF- what?”
“Away From Brain.” The Mint-colored stallion quickly changed the subject. “What’s so scary about an empty town? Maybe they just left for a bit. Any signs of skullduggery or ne’erdowellship?”
“Nothing. It’s almost as if they just disappeared or like they just stopped existing,” the friendship princess described.
“Mareanda,” Purple Heart coughed.
“What?” Twilight inquired.
The purple barbarian shot a glare at Wits, who was mouthing something similar to ‘leaf on the wind’. “Nothing. I’m guessing you want us to mosey on over to provide our expert opinion of the situation, huh?”
“Yes please. And can your mosey be more like a hasteful rush?”
“We’re on the way!” Light Patch enthusiastically replied.
“Make it fast. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” With that, the connection to Twilight closed.
Wits End frowned. “She just had to say that, didn’t she.” He stretched his forelegs and turned to the door. “Well, I’ve only been walking for like 12 hours straight. Let’s go for a full 24.”
“Why didn’t you try to shift into a pegasus?” Purple Heart asked as he shoved a hoof-full of papers into a satchel, then slung it over his head onto his shoulder. “That’s what I would do. Less of a strain on your legs that way.”
The minty unicorn paused. “Because I’d have to be smart for that.” The light of transformation covered him, fading to reveal a familiar grey pegasus, complete with pink mane-fringe. “What’d you think?” the second Light Patch asked, waggling his eyebrows. “Wanna be a couple of Host Club twins?”
“Not particularly,” Light Patch replied, looking at his doppleganger, “But I guess we can give it a shot, You got the hair parting the wrong way I think.”
“Good point.” Wits Patch adjusted his mane to part in the opposite direction of the original pegasus. “Now, just one very important question.”
“Who’s Hikaru and who’s Kaoru?” Light Patch thought for a few moments, “No, wait. Is the question ‘what are we going to do tonight, Brain’?”
“No,” Wits shook his head, “but those are very good questions.” He flapped a wing experimentally. “How the heck do you use these things?”
Purple Heart chuckled, making his way to the door where Navee stood, gesturing to the cyan pegasus who shrunk down to sprite size. “Flap them, I would think,” he suggested. “Of course, don’t try to go too high. I don’t think you’d enjoy re-enacting Twilight’s First Flight sequence.” He opened the door. “Shall we be off to Ade?”
“Of course brothe-” Light Patch froze like a statue as something clicked in his mind about earlier. He turned to face his impersonator, “you flirted with me.”
Wits simply smiled, shifting back to his mint-colored form. “Welcome to the Host Club.”
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Is the Chapter Title a Refrence To Star Wars order 66?
Am I the only one amused by the idea that these colts will eventually tell the truth? Pinkie Promises and all that.
Sorry for complaining but I'm having issues reading this without spaces between the paragraphs. I know there are over sixty chapters to edit if you actually pander to one guy but as an entitled fanfiction reader I have a constant urge to whine at authors to change small details that bother me.
What? A C&CC chapter? On a TUESDAY? Blasphemy! Heresy! Treachery!
Looks like the party got together just in time to be summoned off for a potential Big Damn Hero moment. Don't you just love when everything works out?
Error Patrol. I need to see your writer's license and posting registration...
Nothing major, but consider I did see evidence of ponyisms before, the 'handwriting' comment is slightly out of place.
Will nightmares be appearing in this story? I'm not talking about Nightmare Moon, I'm talking about these guys. For that matter, will any monsters and villains from Dungeons and Dragons appear in this story?
great chapter again. All doe I thing Wits Ends will be subject of suspicion By Twilight when she learns of that he can shapeshift. I was not expecting the girls to call for help for the colts even for this.
What? The villagers arent using it
Ive been watching too much NCIS
Sorry, hes been elevated to Primarch from commisar ... but popr purple heart learns thatcwith great power comes massive amounts of paperwork
And shapeshifting shinannigins ensue