Chapter 17: Big Damn Heroes
Twilight found herself violently shoved to the ground, wings and hooves bound with rope. The ornate silver band over her horn that one of the bandits had forced on her was keeping her from bursting her binds with magic, leaving her feeling mentally drained. Applejack had been forced down next to her by three earth ponies, while Fluttershy had required only one.
A moment later, Wits End was thrown to the dirt next to the captured alicorn, a similar magical band on his horn, and a bruise forming on his cheek. “Well,” he muttered, spitting out a mouthful of dirt and blood as Rarity and Pinkie Pie joined them. “That could’ve gone better.”
“A lot better,” Applejack offered, “if two ponies hadn’t decided their egos were more important than the task at hoof.”
Twilight winced at her friend’s brutal honesty. “Yeah, sorry girls.” She turned her head to face the mint-colored stallion next to her. “And you too, Wits End. I... should have realized that-”
“Before you finish that thought,” Wits End interrupted, “I want you to know that this was completely my fault.”
Twilight blinked in surprise. “What?”
“I should’ve worked on keeping the party together, instead of fracturing it like that just because I wanted to show off.” He grinned sheepishly. “It’s not everyday I get to butt heads with a princess, and… I got carried away. I apologize.”
“What? No, I apologize! If I hadn’t been so suspicious of you working with the bandits, none of this would’ve happened!”
Wits End frowned. “Look, it’s my fault, okay? Can we just move on from here?”
Twilight’s eyebrows narrowed. “No, it’s my fault.”
“My fault!”
“My fault!”
“Oh for the love of-” Rarity rolled her eyes, trying to keep her body on the cobblestones and off the dirt. “Are you two really going to argue about who gets to claim blame for what happened? Honestly, that’s the most overdramatic thing I’ve heard in my life!” She squeaked, inching away from an ant making its way across the street.
Wits End sighed, rolling onto his back. “Well,” he said after a few seconds, “at least it can’t get any worse.”
“Is that right?” a deep baritone growled behind them.
An irritated expression flashed over Wits End’s face. “I need to put some points into ‘keep big mouth shut’.”
The bandit chief easily stepped over the prone ponies, standing before them with a grin on his face. “Well now,” he said, loud enough for the gathered bandits to hear. “It looks to me like our little band of adventurers ain’t so good as they think after all!” He looked over his captives, eyes catching on Twilight’s horn and wings. “What do we have here?”
Twilight wriggled indignantly. If being an alicorn was going to be worth anything, it would be here. “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle,” she said, keeping her eyes locked with the bandit chief’s. “And I demand that you let us go and leave this village at once!”
The chief’s eyes widened in surprise. Silence fell over the square for several seconds before a bellowing laugh erupted from him, with his bandits following suit soon afterward. “A princess, you say? There hasn’t been alicorn royalty in centuries, little filly. Maybe you should’ve stayed under in whatever retreat you’ve been hiding in instead of coming out into the big, scary, real world!”
“What?” Twilight said softly. “Centuries?”
The bandit chief straightened up, genuine surprise on his face. “What, you really don’t know? Well, all you need to know for now is that a hornfeather like you is worth a lot of bits to somepony. You’re gonna make me a very wealthy bandit, ‘princess’ Twilight Sparkle.” He looked over the others, eyes resting on Wits End, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie. “You three, on the other hoof, have been enough trouble already.” He waved a hoof toward the crowd. “Take them. Put them in a basement or something until I can think of something big enough to learn them a lesson.” He thought for a moment, turning away. “Put the Orange and the Marshmallow in with them. No bits they’d get us would compare.”
Rarity choked at the bandit’s words. “M-Marshmallow?!” she cried.
“I ain’t no Orange!” Applejack wriggled furiously. “Lemme go an’ say that again, ya big apple maggot!”
Wits End glared at the massive bandit chief. “You’re making a big mistake.”
The chief laughed, prodding the mint-colored unicorn in the chest. “You’ve lost, filly-boy. Unless you’re hiding an army in those robes, you’d better enjoy what little time you’ve got left.”
With a quick grunt, Wits End twisted his body, making a shallow cut in the bandit chief’s foreleg with the tip of his horn. “I don’t need an army, you big dummy. I’ve got...” He sighed, shaking his head. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this… I’ve got friendship!”
The bandit chief snorted and took a step back. “Clever trick, using your horn to cut me. Let’s see how much armor your friendship provides from my hoof!” he said, reeling back.
“BE HEALED!” suddenly rang through the town square, and before anyone could react, a warhammer slammed into the bandit chief's face. Light Patch alighted on the ground in front of the bandit. “Side effects may include headache, nausea, amnesia, concussion, itchy watery eyes and stupidity,” he quickly rambled off before turning to the bandits around his captured friends, just in time to see Purple Heart and confused Rainbow Dash moving over to stand next to him.
“Hey, Wits,” Purple Heart chortled. “Lucky for you, we got here just in the nick of time.” The purple stallion turned to look at Light Patch who suddenly wore a cocky grin on his face.
“You know what this makes us right?” the grey pegasus asked. Purple Heart nodded, turning back to the awestruck bandits and their bound friends.
“Big damn heroes,” Purple Heart declared.
“Yes~!” Light Patch squealed and began to giggle maniacally as he charged the nearest group of bandits, warhammer swinging wildly. Purple Heart turned to look at Wits End and the rest of the Mane Six, his grin growing.
“Those who are squeamish of mind should look away now,” the purple earth pony announced in a sing-song voice before charging after Light Patch. “Activate 'Fury' skill! WAAAGH!!!”
“Wait, you-” Wits End sighed, watching bandits being tossed in all directions. “As impressive as that is,” he said to no-pony in particular, “it would’ve been nice if they’d untied us first…”
“That’s why I’m still here,” Rainbow Dash piped up, trotting over to the tied up ponies. “They can take care of themselves.” Twilight blinked.
“Are you sure?” she asked, watching as several bandits landed in an orderly heap several yards away from them. “How are they doing that?” Rainbow shrugged, grabbing a knot.
“Not a clue,” she replied. “Purple froze about five streets back and was still for almost a minute. Then he started whispering to Light Patch. That led to what you saw a few moments ago.” The ropes flopped to the ground.
Wits End wrapped his hooves around the band on his horn, letting it drop to the ground. “I’m friends with two of the biggest nerds in the universe,” he muttered, horn glowing as he did the same for Twilight and Rarity. “And they didn’t even leave me a line! And for that,” he picked up his hat, setting it on his head at a jaunty angle, “I aim to misbehave. Banzai!” He dove into the mayhem, sword drawn and swinging wildly. The Mane Six stared after the three stallions for several seconds, watching bandits flying every which way.
“They’re crazy,” Twilight whispered softly. Her friends nodded sagely in agreement.
* * *
“Final count,” Purple Heart wheezed, flopping to the ground beside Light Patch. “42.”
“Only twenty,” Light Patch said, bandaging up Applejack, his mana low at the moment. “But I was also busy making sure ya’ll didn’t clock out earily.”
“And I’m thankful for that,” Purple Heart said, closing his eyes. “I’m glad I got that message about the unarmed-barbarian specialist ability or else we’d be hurt a lot more.”
Wits End trotted up to the two, dropping a downed bandit in one of the piles. “You know, I would’ve had more than seventeen of those guys if Ghazghkull here hadn’t kept jumping in.” He took a seat next to the two stallions and started cleaning his blade on a scrap of cloth. “When Twilight’s telepathy cut out, I thought you guys had been captured or something. Were you just waiting for the most dramatic moment or something?”
“Ow, watch it.” Applejack suddenly cut in.
“Well stop moving.” Light Patch said before turning to his friend. “Sorry but when we realized we fell for a trap we had to book it around to the opposite side of the forest through bandit traps and- hold still or I’ll tie all of the bandages with pink lacy ribbons!” the pegasus snapped at Applejack.
“Then this bundle of charm here fell into a pit he made inside the village.” Purple Heart jerked his head at the grey pegasus.
“What’s so bad about a pit?” Twilight asked, trotting up. Purple Heart twisted his face into a grimace. Light Patch tried to object but his mouth was currently full of Applejack bandages.
“Are piranhas a good enough reason?” the purple stallion asked. Twilight blinked.
“Ah,” she said.
“And yet,” Wits End muttered, “here you are. Better late than never, I guess.” He looked at the edge of the sword and tsked. “What I wouldn’t give for some oil…”
Light Patch quickly finished bandaging Applejack. “First, they were acid piranhas,” he ignored the glances he’d gotten from those in hearing range and continued. “Second, at least we showed up. And third, what happened that we had to ride in to your rescue anyway?” he finished.
Twilight and Wits End went silent, looking away from each other. “Mistakes were made,” Wits End said after a moment.
“Yes, they were,” Twilight agreed. Purple Heart switched his gaze between the two ponies, a bemused expression growing on his face.
“You weren’t caught face-mashing in a corner, weren’t you?” he asked slyly, scooching away from Wits End. Light Patch fell over laughing. The Mane Six stared at the Colt Trio in something akin to horror.
Wits End jerked, accidentally slicing through the rag he’d been using. “Wh-what? You- I- We- Wha-”
“We did no such thing!” Twilight exclaimed, face turning red.
“Not even slightly!” Wits End added. “My lips are un-smooched, thank you! I should sue you for slander!”
“Me thinks, my good sirs and madams,” Light Patch said looking at the assembled ponies, “that they doth protest this accusation too much.”
“Sha lalalala~ My oh my! I think the colt is shy!” Purple Heart began to sing as Light Patch quickly joined in and the pair started to harmonize.”Go on and kiss the-”
Twilight was surprised that such a small stallion could move so fast, and with enough force in his hooves to knock the other two colts flat on their backs. Wits End stood over his friends, glaring as hard as he could with a blush on his face. “I’m going to help gather the rest of the bandits,” he said plainly, making sure to put extra weight in his step as he stomped on the two stallion’s on his way away. Purple Heart raised his head slightly and grinned up at the astonished Mane Six.
“Totally worth it,” he groaned. “I didn’t know he could hit that hard though.”
Pinkie Pie appeared at Twilight’s shoulder, bouncing excitedly. “Ooh! Do you have a special somepony now, Twilight? I’ve got the perfect party to announce it to-”
“No-pony’s announcing anything!” Twilight exclaimed, stomping away. “I’m gonna go help Wits End.” After a moment, she stopped. “Not like that, shut up!” she called over her shoulder, continuing toward the pile Wits End was flinging bandits onto.
Light Patch sat up from where he had been playing dead. He pulled out some more bandages and got to work on Purple Heart before glancing over at Twilight and Wits End. “Eh, we probably took that a step too far, we’re gonna have to make it up to them,” he noted. Purple Heart raised himself to his hooves, cracking his neck in the process.
“Perhaps,” he growled. “But there’s one thing that concerns me.”
“An’ what’s that?” Applejack asked, looking at the stallion and trying to not snicker at the large bow being tied into the bandages behind the purple stallion’s head; not knowing about the one behind her head either.
Rarity stepped forward, looking over the state of the two stallions. “Could it be jealousy that your friend has found romance with a filly far beyond your level?” she offered coyly. Purple Heart stared at the white unicorn blankly for several seconds before he scoffed.
“Hardly,” he snorted, turning to Light Patch. “Now I don’t know about you, but I didn’t manage to give that large monologuing pony a piece of my hoof.”
“So?” Applejack asked.
“RPG 101: boss battles never happen in cutscenes.” Light Patch paused to think for a few moments. “Well the good ones don’t anyway.” He paused as a frown consumed his face. “A music box.” he muttered.
“So where is he?” Purple Heart retorted. Rarity and Applejack paused as they shared looks with Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie.
“Uh...” Applejack mumbled. Purple Heart nodded.
“Exactly.”
Their pondering was interrupted by a pair of screams behind them. A few bandit bodies landed nearby, raining down from what use to be the pile Wits End and Twilight had been working on. It its place stood the bandit chief; with the two horned ponies thrown a few yards away. The bandit chief roared in anger, swinging his ridiculously large morningstar over his head.
Purple Heart groaned. “You have got to be kidding me.”
“Found him.” Pinkie and Light Patch said at the same time.
“You have encountered the Bandit Chief,” the Discord-alike voice echoed, the turn listing and combat grid appearing around them. “Combat is joined.”
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Let the boss battle begin! Will he form change?
sounds like some thing im going to put in my ELO fic
Warhammer nerds for the win
)
(and you wrote it the correct way
im more of an Imperial Guard man myself... can go wrong with the 11 barrels of fun known as the baneblade
and sadly I must condemn this heresy
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/176/233/HeresyStamp.png
Nice desperation strike with the horn Wit. You might as well use the point you have.
Firefly Reference was the best part. And Wits' fuming that he didn't get a line.
5906303 This isn't even my final form...
You know, this arc seems to be wrapping up. I wonder where they'll go from here, or if the session will be 'suspended' afterwards, only to resume another time (against all the participant's wishes of course). I mean, in a normal game session this seems like a natural stopping point after the battle.
God, first: those was the worst idea ever, splitting the party and the town in half. Any strategist or tactician worth a damn would strongly object anything like that. A town is precisely no cake you can just share. Of both, Twilight is the least qualified to lead any sort of combat, yet why does she have the better plan? And sandbags are used to defend against projectiles and hardly part of a barricade set up by some lowly middle ages peasants. Also, where is the blood and broken bones? Warhammers and swords tend to make a mess, and unless they are in a giant LARPing convention hitting each other with foam there is bound to be a high score of dead bandits and peasantry alike!