Caverns & Cutie Marks

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 31: Capital Offense

Wits End leaned over the edge of the stone wall that surrounded the capital city of Gallopilli. It had been five days since the party had arrived. Well, he thought, most of the party. He sighed, pulling himself back from the edge. “He’s really gonna make us wait the full five days, isn’t he?”

“I say we look the wrong way just to spite him,” Light Patch said, staying a respectful distance from the edge.

“Wouldn’t that be fun.” Wits glanced at the horizon; the first glimmers of light starting to peek out over the trees. He suppressed a yawn as he slumped against a crenellation. “I got up early and everything just so he could have his dramatic moment. If he’s not here in 15 minutes, I’m going back to sleep.”

“How about we go now? He ruined my dramatic exit earlier; why shouldn’t we ruin his dramatic entrance?” Light Patch asked, looking not much more awake than his pinto friend.

“Because it’s not nice?” Pinkie asked, trotting in place and generally being way too happy for way too early in the morning; at least according to everypony but Applejack.

Twilight was about to make a snappy retort when something caught her attention. She trotted over to the edge of the wall, peeking into the near darkness to the east. Wits End glanced up from almost falling asleep. “Twilight! What do you see with your alicorn eyes?”

“I think…” Twilight’s eyes narrowed as she focused. “Well, unless somepony’s expecting another purple-striped earth pony, I think they’re here.” She raised an eyebrow. “But what’s with the carriage he’s pulling?”

“I don’t know,” Light Patch said, looking out as well before a thought struck him. Suddenly, his face split with a grin of pure evil. “I’ve got an idea, but I need all of you to get out of sight for a moment.” He turned to learn over the edge and look at the two guards at the gate below. “Hey, I’ve got a joke I want to play on my friends coming up. Could ya shut the gates for a moment?”

The guards glanced at each other before shrugging, usually they got requests to open the gates, so closing them for once seemed like a nice change of pace. The iron bars of the gate slid shut with a clang as the mares and Wits End ducked down, interest and confusion at varying levels on their faces.

Light Patch ducked as well and waited until his friend and the carriage pulled up close to the gate.

Purple Heart rolled his neck as he pulled the carriage closer to the capital's gate. While waiting in the forest for five days to make his grand entrance had been of great source of amusement for himself, he wanted to get this ludicrous game over with. Amber Glitter, Opal, Fluttershy, and Rarity all sat in the carriage Boomer had given them, relaxing as the purple earth pony pulled it. A sudden shiver raced down Purple Heart’s spine. A small part of his brain niggled at him, trying to warn him of some impending doom. As it was early in the morning, and his faculties were not yet fully operational, Purple Heart ignored his instincts and continued towards the barred gates.

The purple barbarian pony looked up blearily at the large oak entrance and yawned. With a grunt, he brought the carriage to a rolling stop and put his weight against the wooden vehicle.

“Yoho!” Purple Heart called to the guards. “Open the gates please!” He then turned and tapped once on the carriage behind him.

“We’re here, ladies,” he mumbled. “Time to get ou-” He never got a chance to complete his sentence as a familiar grey pegasus appeared from behind the wall’s ramparts.

“No,” Light Patch responded in the most outrageous accent he could muster at such an early hour. “We don’t need your purple ponies. We’ve already got one, see?” he said, pulling Twilight up before quickly shoving her back down. “Now, begone you legg'd eggplant.” Purple Heart looked up at the grey pegasus in silence, contemplating what had just happened. Eventually, he spoke.

“You know,” he called sarcastically, “if I were more awake, I’d have some kind of snippy retort for you. But seeing as I got up just ten minutes ago, I can’t. Well played sah.” He inclined his head in respect to his winged friend.

“Thank you,” Light Patch said, still keeping the accent going. “I guess I shan’t have to taunt you a second time.” He looked down at the guards, giving them a quick wave to show that the joke was over. The guards shrugged and began to open the gates.

Purple Heart began trotting wearily towards the gate, muttering darkly under his breath. Amber Glitter opened the sliding window at the carriage’s front and peaked out.

“Something happen?” she asked curiously.

“Nothing of import,” Purple Heart replied, rubbing at his face. “Just a little barb.” The golden unicorn nodded once and was about to close the sliding window when Purple Heart spoke again, albeit softly.

“If they even think,” he growled, “of dropping a cow on me, I shall throw them off a bridge.” Amber blanched at the ferocity with which Purple Heart spoke.

“Excuse me?” she asked. “What was that you said?”
“Nothing of import,” Purple Heart repeated. “Just a promise.” Amber arched an eyebrow at the purple earth pony and watched him for a moment as they passed through the arch of the gate to the capital.

A long cobbled street stretched before them, filled with an assortment of ponies going about their daily business. There were trade stalls, taverns, and swinging signs of stores tucked into the block of buildings that spread out before them. Rising up in the distance was an impressive castle built from quartz-like stone that seemed to sparkle in the morning sunlight. Colorful banners and pennants snapped in the early morning breeze, heralding the presence of numerous high-ranking ponies. The carriage trundled to a stop by a corral of other such vehicles near the wall.

“You picked up a vehicle,” Wits End said, making his way down from the wall. He stopped, spotting the gold-colored unicorn through the window. “You picked up a passenger,” he continued, eyebrows raised in surprise as he to a few steps back on the ground. “Something tells me there’s a story behind this.” Purple Heart nodded as he unhitched himself from the carriage and rolled his shoulders.

“Eeyup,” he confirmed, walking around to open the carriage door. Fluttershy and Rarity stepped out and rushed over to their friends, ecstatic to see them after such a time. Opal and Amber came next, both of them descending the carriage steps gracefully.

“Greetings,” Amber said, inclining her head to Wits End. “I am Princess Amber Glitter. And this is Opal, my maid.”
Light Patch glanced at the two before bowing to Opal, “Your majesty, it’s a good trick but-”
“Oh no, no, no!” Opal squeaked, waving her hooves in denial. “I’m really not the princess! I mean, those bandits thought I was, but Lady Glitter is the true princess!” The small filly gave a weak smile at the grey pegasus.

“It was not a trick you were using.” Light Patch grinned sheepishly, “I guess I was wrong. Sorry about that.” He gave a quick nod to Amber. “Anyway, my name is Light Patch and I’m a cleric.”

Wits End nodded his head to both mares, making a mental note of the unicorn’s nobility. “Wits End. It’s a pleasure to meet the both of you.” He tilted his head toward Purple Heart. “How did you mean this lu- our friend here?” Purple Heart cracked his neck and sighed in satisfaction before facing his comrades.

“We met her a week ago on the path,” he began. “I had just finished successfully grappling a large Carp and-”

“I take it back,” Wits End interrupted. “I’ll wait to hear the whole story later.” He looked between Purple Heart, Amber Glitter, and Opal for a moment. “Had to one-up Patchy, huh? I’ve seen enough anime to know where this is going.” Purple Heart stared blankly as he tried to register what his friend was getting at. Then his eyes sparked with recognition.

“Seriously?” he groused. “Seriously!? I beat the most terrifying fish in the world of Dorfs, barehooved no less, and you question me about SHIPPING?!”

“Carp got nerfed,” Wits said with a smirk. “Shipping is still OP. Consider this laser-guided karma for the shenanigans back at Roads Crossed.” He glanced over at the Mane Six catching up. “Everypony got through safe, right?” Purple Heart’s eye twitched at the dismissive tone Wits End spoke with but he nodded slowly.

“After dealing with the requests of some interesting ponies, jes,” he confirmed. “Everypony got through safe. Regardless, what have you learned of the capital so far? Does it have a name? And what’s the country called for that matter?”

“Well, the city is apparently named Gallopilli,” the grey pegasus chimed in, “and after an extremely hard day of going up to somepony on the street and asking, we found out that the name of the kingdom is Roania. Of course then came the hard part: trying to figure out if that was a Lord of the Rings or a Narnia reference. Or possibly Romania.”

“I’m leaning toward the Rings, personally,” Wits End said. He lowered his pitch to a dramatic growl. “When I last looked, Bastion, not Purple, was king of Roan… ia.” He coughed, slipping back into his normal voice. “Like that and such.” Purple Heart snorted.

“Riiiiight,” he mused. “Aside from that, I think I might know who was behind the Bandits at Roads Crossed. We met a pony who originally came from this very city when we went to rescue Opal. He knew things. Do you have a place we can go to talk to everypony in private?”

Wits looked over at the maid pony. “They ponynapped the maid and then let her go- Ohhhhhh.” Recognition dawned on the mint-colored pony’s face. “That’s where the Timberwolves come in.” He smiled for a second before returning to the conversation at hoof. “Yeah, we’ve got some rooms at a local inn.” He nodded to Amber Glitter. “Although, I’m sure you’ve got a private suite in the castle, of course.”

The golden unicorn nodded. “I do,” she confirmed.

“Welp,” Purple Heart said, walking down the street, “let’s go to the inn. You’ll definitely want to hear what I have to say.” He began trotting down the road when a soft cough brought him to a halt. He looked over his shoulder.

“What about me?” Amber asked sweetly, smiling poisonously at the purple earth pony. Purple Heart blinked.

“What about you?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah, Purply,” Wits End said coyly. “Don’t you intend to throw down the gauntlet to protect the mares in your life?” Purple Heart stared blankly once more. He could feel everypony’s eyes on him as he stood there, stumbling around his mind as he deciphered Wits’ poniard. Even the Mane Six had fallen silent and were watching the purple earth pony with interest. Once more, recognition sparked in his eyes.

“What do you mean ‘throw down the gauntlet’?” he asked irritably. “I’m-...oh...” He looked at Amber who still had her sickly sweet smile. Then he returned his gaze to Wits End and Light Patch, whining as he spoke. “Do I have to?”

“Well, no, not really.” Light Patch yelped as he received a swift kick and glare from Rarity. “What?” he asked, looking at her prompting the fashionista to roll her eyes.

Wits shrugged, dropping his smug look. “Depends on the message you wanna send to the King. You can go straight there and introduce yourself, or you could wait for a while.” He glanced at the two colts. “I don’t have any problem with it.” Purple Heart frowned, trying to think of the best option. His brow furrowed, his eyes squinted, his teeth ground. After a time, he realized his issue. Sighing resignedly, he trotted over to Wits End and lowered his head to the small unicorn.

“Hit me,” he ordered.

Wits End blinked. “What.”

“Wait, really?” Light Patch asked.

“Yes!” the purple earth pony snapped. “Then I’ll be able to think straight! I’m not awake enough to say anything coherent! I have important things to say, but my mind is still a fogbank of sleep! So seriously, hit m-!”

Without another word, Wits End’s forehoof shot out, landing a blow square in the middle Purple Heart’s forehead. Light Patch quickly followed up with a hit to almost the same spot. With a resounding crash, Purple Heart dropped heavily to the cobblestone ground, sending unnatural tremors through the street. Several passersby slowed and stared at the large earth pony on the ground. Being on the outside of the conversation, the Mane Six reacted in stunned surprise.

“What. Did. You. Do?” Twilight said, her voice constricted by shock and outrage.

Wits End stood frozen in surprise, staring at his hoof. “I didn’t mean to jog him so hard,” he muttered.

“I’m a healer. I can fix this,” Light Patch said, quickly shuffling away from Pinkie and Rainbow. Moving quickly, he pressed his hoof to the purple stallion’s side, and a bright flash signaled the use of a healing spell. Purple Heart’s body pulsed once and he groaned.

“You bleeding git,” Purple Heart growled, getting to his hooves. “I didn’t need the heals! On the other hoof, I can see! I can see clearly now the rain has gone...” Fluttershy floated over, concern apparent on her face.

“A-are you alright, Purple?” she stammered. The purple barbarian nodded and cracked his neck. He continued with rolling his shoulders and cracking his back. Sighing in satisfaction once more, he allowed a small smile to curve his lips. Amber Glitter sucked a surprised breath in when she noticed the intelligence and awareness sparking in Purple Heart’s eyes. He stood with a sure set of his shoulders and cut an imposing figure. Lost in her fantasies, she almost didn’t hear him speak.

“As things are now,” Purple Heart said confidently, “I think it would be best if one of us escorts the Princess and Opal to the castle.” Twilight walked further into the conversation and cocked her head in confusion.

“Why?” she asked. “And why one pony for that matter?” Amber, Fluttershy, and Rarity blinked in surprise when Purple Heart didn’t snap in anger or retort sarcastically. Instead, he continued to speak with a calm tone of voice.

“Two reasons,” he said. “Hitotsu: we don’t want to show our hoof to the mastermind behind the bandit raid on Roads Crossed. Walking our entire group into the castle where the mastermind is certain to be would be unwise.

“Futatsu,” Purple Heart continued. “I have reason to believe that Princes Amber’s uncle is said mastermind. Although it would be safer to keep the Princess with us, the mastermind would notice.”

“Who’s Amber’s uncle?” Pinkie asked. The smile on Purple Heart’s face slid away, leaving a blank mask.

“King Bastion, ruler of Roania.”

Twilight’s ears perked up. “Wait, Bastion? As in, king of the place we’re in right now? King of the whole country we’re in, King Bastion?”

“Eeyup,” Purple Heart confirmed. “The one and only, except for other ponies named Bastion.”

“Oh joy,” Light Patch deadpanned. “At best, we’re dealing with only his closest and most loyal; at worst, the entire kingdom.”

“This is the best of all possible things.” Wits rolled his eyes. “Not only are we right smack in the middle of his home, but we just so happen to be the ponies who single-hoofedly thwarted his bandits, wasting however millions of bits he sunk into their equipment and loyalty.” He turned away, shaking a hoof at the sky dramatically. “Curse you, dramatic irony!” Purple Heart chuckled, much to the surprise of Amber and Opal.

“So,” he said, “which of us three should escort the Princess and Opal to the castle?” Amber frowned.

“I have a name, you know,” she snapped. Purple Heart nodded.

“And I’m only a mere adventurer,” he replied smoothly. “We aren’t on the same level, socially speaking. I don’t get to use your name. Besides, I’m too socially awkward to escort you to the castle without offending some caretaker of the King’s dogs. If I were to even grace a ball, I’d say something and piss the entire ruling class off. Probably for using the wrong fork. But I digress. I can’t escort you.” Amber blinked at the explanation in surprise. Purple Heart was right. As a commoner, he didn’t have the right to say her name and was required to use her title when addressing her.

Further, she had no idea what gave him cause to make such a retort. It was quite possible that he didn’t know the customs of addressing royalty in Roania, but he could have been operating under a cautious theory. Regardless, it hurt to agree that Purple Heart was right. The void caused by the explanation swelled as the Princess thought of the best way to counter the argument and it was suffice to say that she was mildly embarrassed at what she was about to do.

“But,” Amber mumbled, shuffling her hooves as she blushed furiously. “I don’t mind if you call me by my name.” Several seconds of silence passed. Light Patch and Wits End grinned evilly as they leered at their friend. Then Purple Heart went bright red.

“Ooooooooh~” Wits End leaned next to Purple Heart, his grin reaching from ear to ear. “This is the part where you tell her that you’ll give her half of your life, so she has to give you half of hers.”

“Oi!”

“Or you could always go with the classics and say, ‘as you wish’,” Light Patch said giving a bow.

Pinkie Pie was bouncing around excitedly, tossing confetti into the air over the two blushing ponies. “Is this the part where we start singing that ‘Kiss de Girl’ song you guys were singing back in town?” Purple Heart was seething.

“Inconceivable!” he growled. “I cannot believe how I just walked into the that! And no-” He sent Pinkie a furious glare, “-methinks not! Now, who is going to escort the Princess to the castle?”

“Um…” Fluttershy raised a hoof. “I’ll do it.” She flinched at the surprised looks from the rest of the party. “I-I thought I should be more assertive…”

Wits End glanced around before raising his own hoof. “I’ll go too. I think if I go back with Purple Heart right now, I’ll get my face caved in.”

“That would be putting it mildly,” the purple barbarian growled.

“I’d ask the way to the castle, but…” Wits End jerked his head toward the massive stone structure that dominated the center of the city. “I dunno, I might get lost.”

“Hopefully,” Purple Heart snarled. “But you aren’t Marimo. Lucky you.”

“Well,” Wits End stomped a hoof decisively, “let’s get going. That castle’s not gonna just dance over here.” He pointed toward the castle. “Onward! To castletown!”

Fluttershy weakly imitated the mint-colored pony. “O-onward?” With that, the two ponies set off toward the castle.

“Oh yeah,” Purple Heart grunted, realization dawning. “Where’s the inn at? I’m starving.”

* * *

“Can you find your way to whoever you need to talk to?” Wits End asked, his voice echoing faintly off the ancient stones around them.

Amber tilted her head quizzically. “You’re not coming with us all the way?”

Wits End and Fluttershy glanced at each other. “We weren’t exactly requested by the king,” Wits explained. “Besides, it’s safer if he doesn’t see any of us for a while. Our descriptions might have reached him, and… well…” He scratched the back of his head. “The whole ‘crushed his sponsored bandits’ thing.”

Opal nodded. “You’d probably be arrested on sight.”

“Thank you, Opal,” Amber said dryly before turned back to the two adventurers. “Well, thank you for all of your help. Let me know if any of you need my help.”

“Will do.” Wits End smiled, watching the two mares make their way down the hall. Once they were out of sight, he whirled about. “Right, time to sneak around.”

Fluttershy jumped. “Wh-what? But you just said-”

“That was to give them plausible deniability. And to keep them from trying to stop us.” Wits grinned. “This is our only chance to get a lay of the land, so to speak. We’ll just take a quick look around, then head back. Easy as breakfast.”

Fluttershy glanced around nervously. “B-but…”

“Come onnnnn. Didn’t you say you were gonna be more assertive?”

“Well, yes…”

Wits End flashed a hoof-motion that would have been a thumbs-up if he had fingers. “Then let’s assertively sneak around!”

After a moment of thought, Fluttershy nodded. “Alright!”

“Great! I’ll go this way, you check out that way.”

“Right!” Fluttershy paused for a few seconds. “Wait, wha-” She looked around; Wits had already left. “Uh oh.”

* * *

Wits End wandered the halls, humming a stealthy tune to himself as he did so. The castle was a lot bigger than he had expected, with branching paths and expansive rooms everywhere. “I might actually get lost…” he muttered, examining a finely-crafted marble statue, menacing with spikes of maple wood.

“Mister End, I assume?”

Wits End suppressed a jump, looking over his shoulder at the snow-colored stallion. “Do you know me?” he asked shortly, mind racing as he tried to build an excuse for being there.

“Not personally, of course. I make it my business to know the names of interesting ponies that are passing through Gallopilli.” The stallion bowed his head slightly. “I am Chancellor Holdfast. Unless I’m very much mistaken, you are a Mimic, yes?”

Wits End raised an eyebrow. He knows my name, he thought. And my class. That’s not good. He forced his face back into a neutral expression. Holdfast…Sounds familiar. At any rate, it sounds like he doesn’t care why I’m in this place. “What makes you think that?”

Holdfast motioned toward the unicorn’s cap. “Why, that feather of yours. The bird that belonged to is known for imitating both its prey and potential predators.” He smiled softly. “The Mimics took it as a sign to their peers of their true identities. Well, them, and those of us in the know.”

“Is that so,” Wits End muttered. “I take it you’re in the know?”

The silver stallion nodded. “I took an educated guess.”

“Hmm.” Wits End took another look at the stallion’s fanciful suit and robes. “You said you’re Chancellor here? I assume you meant for King Bastion. You’re a member of his court?”

“Indeed.” Holdfast placed a hoof on his chest, just below an ornate medal. “I advise the king on all matters involving our neighboring countries.”

The diplomacy guy, Wits End thought. “You’ll excuse me if I cut through the pleasantries and get to the point. What do you want from me?”

Holdfast’s eyes widened slightly, but his smile widened. “Directness. I appreciate that in my dealings. Very well. There is a matter I would like to discuss with you. Someplace…” He glanced around the hallway. “Well, someplace less public. I shall be holding a ball tonight in the western ballroom, to welcome Princess Amber Glitter. I’d like to speak to you then.”

Wits End raised an eyebrow. Either news travels fast, he thought, or this guy is very well connected. “And if I don’t show up?”

“I shall be very disappointed.” Holdfast turned away, taking a few steps before looking over his shoulder. “We don’t see many pinto’s of your particular coloration around here. I can always find you later if I need to.” After a moment of thought, he shrugged nonchalantly. “Bring your friends if you want. I’ll let the guards know to let you in.” With that, he started walking, his hoof-falls echoing further and further away.

Once he was sure the snow-colored stallion was gone, Wits End’s legs went weak, and he leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. “Wow,” he gasped.

“Are you alright, mister End?” Fluttershy trotted through the doorway, coming to a stop a few feet away.

“Oh, hello!” Wits End pushed himself upright, forcing a smile. “I, uh, guess I should’ve known better than to split up like that.”

Fluttershy’s eyebrows knitted in concern. “I… I was listening to your conversation with that Chancellor.”

“You what?”

“I’m sorry. I-I was worried about splitting up again, so I wanted to follow you and make sure everything was okay! I… I hid behind the doorway when the Chancellor showed up.”

Wits End sighed. “Oh. Well then. Uh… Thank you for your concern?” He glanced in the direction Holdfast had gone. “He’s one heck of a piece of work, isn’t he?”

Fluttershy shuddered. “He’s… A few years ago, I was treating some animals near the Everfree Forest. There was a bobcat that appeared right at the tree line.” She shuddered. “The look in that pony’s eyes was the same as that bobcat’s. He was daring you to disobey him.”
Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line. “What happens if I take his dare?”

“I wouldn’t do that.” The way she said it made it obvious that nothing good would come from it.

“Great.” Wits End swallowed hard, his throat suddenly very dry. After a moment of thought, he sighed. “Well, then… How do you feel about going to a dance tonight?”

Author's Note:

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Comments

[Queuefka Palazzo]

I like Wit's End, but Light Patch is unbelievably boring, and I'm tired of everyone being shocked or impressed by Purple Heart.

[TheColtTrio]

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Well, since these 31 chapters are already up (wow, it didn't feel like that long to me until just now), so we can't exactly make things retroactively more interesting or less shocking. After all, we wouldn't want to mess with continuity any more than we already have.

We're just about done writing the ending of this story arc, actually. Hopefully by the time our heroes get out of Gallopilli, everypony will be at least a little more interesting. Can't have character progression without giving the characters something to work through, right?

That said, I'm glad you're enjoying Wits End's antics so far, and will continue to enjoy them as things start getting a wee bit more interesting.

[Wits End's author]

[Giftmak3r]

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Light patch is actually my favorite funny enough