Caverns & Cutie Marks

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 84: No-pony Cared Who He Was Before He Put on the Mask

“You’ve got to stop doing that!” Wits End growled, dragging two ponies into a shadowy alleyway by their tails. “Come on, we have one job! That job is to not get into trouble!”

“You have a task, little one.” Sol Eater chuckled, seeming only to allow the smaller stallion to pull her along. “I am enjoying this lovely freedom you have convinced my sister to give me.” The alicorn flicked her tail out of Wits’ magical grasp. “I knew you would come back to me, my litt-”

“Shush, not you.” Wits turned to Pinkie Pie, a frown on his face. “It’s bad enough keeping her,” he jerked his head at Sol Eater, “out of trouble, but if I have to keep an eye on you too? We’ll be living in the Hotel Under-the-Throne-Room until the end of time.”

Pinkie Pie’s face fell. “But it looked like so much fun!”

“Fun? We’re trying to keep from being locked up for all eternity by Princess Moonshoes!” Wits End went silent as a pair of alicorn guards passed by the entrance of the alleyway, keeping his magic over the mare’s mouths until they were well out of sight. “Not to mention the whole ‘keep the villains from destroying the universe as we know it’ plan will be a lot harder if we can’t get the alicorns to help us!”

Sol Eater raised an eyebrow. “Destroy the universe? Who are these villains you speak of?”

“Oh, yeah, you were incommunicado when that happened!” Pinkie Pie said, instantly regaining her excited mood. “So, after Minty Fresh banished you to the not-moon, we got out of the cave and it turns out that three bad guys stole the power of our friend who’s kinda a god here and now they want to rule the world so we’re trying to find some friends to help us beat them before they take over the world and if they do that we won’t be able to get back to get back to our own world and-”

“Pinkie,” Wits interrupted “breathe.”

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath in. “And that’s why we’re here, looking for help from the Alicorns! The end!” She grinned widely. “Oh, and the three colts are from another dimension. Like, a different one that the one we’re from.”

Sol Eater stared blankly at the two ponies, blinking slowly as she processed that the’d heard. She turned to Wits End. “Is this true?”

Wits End thought for a few seconds. “Yeah,” he said eventually. “Yeah, we’re from different worlds than this one. Between you, me, and her, we’ve got three universes in this alley.”

The alicorn fell silent. She looked down as she thought, the corners of her mouth turned down. “I am...not sure I understand,” she finally said. “I am not sure I shall ever understand, fully.” A smirk spread across her face as her head turned up, looking at Wits End. “I knew you were special, my princess. Now I know just how special you are.”

“I- ju- a-” Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line, a blush forming on his cheeks. “Okay. Cool.”

“You should help us out!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed. “You can talk to your sister and convince her to help us beat the villains! You can be a good guy instead of a bad guy!” Her face suddenly appeared directly in front of Sol Eater’s, a massive grin on her face. “Whaddaya say?”

Sol Eater appeared to think very hard before her smirk widened. “No.” Wings flared out from the alicorn, pushing her into the air. “Sorry, my little ponies, but I have no intention to let this freedom go to waste. I shall return for you soon enough, my princess.” Another flap of her wings, and she shot over the tops of the buildings and out of sight.

“Oh for the love of…” Wits grumbled, the sound turning into a growl of irritation halfway through. “Pinkie, do you have some sort of doodliwhatsit to help us fly too?”

Pinkie Pie stuck her forehooves into her mane and shook, releasing half a dozen party poppers, a hooful of confetti, three small and confused lizards, and rubber eel. “Nothing. Sorry!”

“I thought you have everything in there!”

“Only when it’s funny! This isn’t funny!”

“For the love of Celestia’s heavenly nostrils…” Wits End sighed. He paused. “I have a bad idea.”

“What is it?”

“Well…” Wits focused, his horn glowing with a wispy silver light. A mask appeared in his forehoof; a mask with a long, flowing silver mane, occasionally flickered with golds and reds like a white-hot flame, and seeming to glow with a light from somewhere within it. “We could see how my new ability works out.”

Pinkie frowned. “Didn’t Discord say that has some side effects? Do you really wanna meet with a terrible fate?”

“Would you prefer the cupboard under the stairs for all eternity?”

“Good point. Put the thingy on your face!”

With a sigh, Wits End looked down at the back of the mask: a perfectly smooth surface lacking even eyeholes. “Well… Allons-y!” The mint-colored unicorn placed the mask against his face.

A flash of blinding energy blasted out from the back of the mask, obscuring the unicorn’s body in light. Pinkie Pie shielded her eyes with a forehoof, wincing away from the energy blast. “Minty? You alright?”

“Hmm…” When the light faded, Wits End was still standing exactly where he had been. A pale light still surrounded his body, which had grown as tall as Purple Heart but still as slender as before. He flapped the pair of cerulean wings on his back twice, a look of mild curiosity on his face as the wingtips fluttered. “Fascinating,” he mused.

Pinkie frowned. “Are you sure? You look kinda… different.”

“Different?” Wits smirked. “Or better? I personally think this is quite,” he flared his wings dramatically, “a drastic improvement.”

“You’re acting kinda evil villain-y there, Minty.”

“Perhaps… There is a villain that exists as a result of my actions.” His smirk widened into a grin. “Perhaps this world needs just one villain, not three.”

“Nope.” Pinkie whipped out the party cannon, blasting the pseudo-alicorn right in the face with confetti and pain. The pink party pony proudly leaned against the brightly colored firearm. “There! Head trauma always helps ponies possessed by evil.”

Wits End shook the bits of brightly colored paper out of his mane. “I’m not possessed, Pinkie. Jees.” He spat out a wad of paper. “There’s definitely something going on with my brain, though. Conquering the world sounds like a really good idea right now. That, and finding a cute pony to call My Little Prince.” He paused for a moment. “...ess. Princess. I meant Princess.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Are you suuuuure?”

“Don’t question my reasoning. I’m from another world. I’m deep and stuff.” Wits turned looked up at the sky. “We should probably get going after Princess Evilestia.”

“Great idea!” Pinkie Pie thought for a moment. “How am I supposed to go with you?”

“Ride me.”

Pinkie blinked. “What?”

Wits End whirled back around. “Ride me!” he shouted. Almost instantly, the pink party pony pounced on his back, wrapping her forelegs around the base of his neck. “Huh. I expected a lot more back-and-forth.”

“Probably some sort of superpowers mumbo-jumbo,” Pinkie said flippantly. “Now shut up and fly, my faithful steed!”

“There’s a certain irony to this situation,” Wits mumbled. “Can’t quite put my graspers on it.”

“Heigh ho, Minty! Away!”

Wits End leapt into the air, his wings beating in long strokes to carry the two ponies higher. “You know, this isn’t that hard. I don’t know why I haven’t been flying more before this.”

“There she is!” Pinkie pointed a forehoof past the minty alicorn’s face at a glowing dot, barely visible in the twilight. “After that mare, Minty!”

“You got it!” Wits angled his wings forward, intent on catching up to Sol Eater before she could do any damage.

The pair of ponies dropped out of the air, almost crashing into the side of a building before barely managing to half-glide, half-run along the rooftop and leap back into the sky at a more subdued pace. “I think I’m gonna barf,” Wits mumbled. “Flying seemed so easy from the ground…”

“Bend your wings on the upbeat!” Pinkie called over the sound of the wingbeats. “Think of it like swimming with wings!”

“I can barely swim with hands!”

“Neither can I!”

Wits beat his wings again, without flying groundward this time.“How do you know so much about the logistics of flying anyway?”

“I remember when Twilight was learning! Now stop that pigeon!”

“Well if you remember, how do I dive without terrible crashing doom?”

“Fold your wings in and guide your fall with your wingtips. Why?”

“‘Cause I have another terrible idea.” Wits End angled himself skyward, beating his wings rapidly to gain more altitude.”

“Minty, what are you doing?”

“Channeling my inner Yeager.” One last wingbeat for the extra foot of height, and Wits dove. He rocketed toward the true alicorn below him, getting closer but quickly losing altitude.

Pinkie had her forehooves wrapped around Wits End’s neck, her cheeks flapping in the wind. “We’re not gonna make it!”

“We’re gonna make it!” The pair was rapidly approaching Sol Eater.

“You’re diving too fast!”

“I have a plan!”

“This is a terrible plan!”

“I know! Hold on!”

The mint-colored alicorn dove under Sol Eater, angling his flight path upwards at the last moment. As he shot in front of the true alicorn for a split second, he fullen extended his wings, blocking her sight. “Now!”

“Confetti for the confetti god!” Pinkie leaped from Wits’ back, latching onto Sol Eater with all four limbs, her tail, and a banner reading ‘Congratulations!’ retrieved from her mane. The sudden added weight, and party decoration wrapped around her wings, forced the alicorn mare down, where she half landed, half crashed into the rooftop below. Wits End, having wasted all of his momentum with his maneuver, made a graceless face-plant onto the roof tiles next to them.

“Now,” Wits said, slightly cross-eyed from the impact, “are you done acting like a filly? Or do you wanna run away again?”

Sol Eater growled from her tangled, prone position. “What do you want from me?”

“Right now, what I want is what you would want from me if I were you and you were me and you are he and we are all together. I mean...” He held a hoof to his face, his wings vanishing as he removed the alicorn mask, and looked down at the alicorn. “I need an army to help fight for me. You’re the thing that’s standing between me and what I need, so you’re gonna sit your heavenly hindquarters down and PLAY. NICE.”

The alicorn fell silent for several seconds. “My hindquarters are heavenly, you say?”

“I, uh, just, don’t change the subject.”

Watching the stallion’s face redden, Sol Eater smiled; a genuine, guileless smile this time. “Well now, isn’t this a pleasant surprise? And here I thought you heroes were suppose to despise villains like me.”

“You’re not a villain!” Pinkie shouted, as if to remind the other two ponies that she was there. “Well, I mean, you are, but that’s just ‘cause Discord decided you were gonna be one!” The pink party pony grinned, wrapping a foreleg around the alicorn’s neck. “But Discord’s not in charge anymore, so you can be whatever you want now!”

Sol Eater frowned. “What is a ‘Discord’?”

“Discord’s the guy who was in charge of everything that’s happened in this world since us adventurers got here,” Wits End explained. “And, I suppose, everything that happened before then, via backstory.”

“So this Discord is the one responsible for the feud between my sister and I?”

Wits End paused. There was something in the way the alicorn had spoken; a combination of idle interest, wistfulness, and a certain vengefulness. It almost sounds like she didn’t want to fight Penumbra, he thought. If she blames Discord for that, she might try to take revenge on him. That could be painful for him. A small smirk crossed his face. Then again, irony like this doesn’t just drop into your lap everyday. “Yeah, that sounds about right,” he said aloud. “And, if you help us beat our villains, we can put you and him in the same room.”

Pinkie Pie grabbed Wits by the mane and pulled him close. “Minty, what are you doing?” she hissed. “Putting Sunny Day and Discord in the same room would be super duper dangerous!”

“And hilarious to watch from a safe distance,” Wits added in a whisper.

Pinkie pondered for a moment. “Sure!” she shouted, hopping back to Sol Eater. “Me and Minty will put you in the best room with him.” Her face lit up when the alicorn nodded. “Whoohoo! At least we’ve got one alicorn! Who needs an army?”

“I believe I can still help you with that army,” Sol Eater said.

“How?” Pinkie asked.

Sol Eater grinned, baring more teeth than would be expected. “My sister and I are alike in many, many ways.”

* * *

“Thou aim to do what?” Princess Penumbra raised an eyebrow at the three ponies standing before her.

“It’s as these two said,” Sol Eater said, motioning to Wits End and Pinkie Pie beside her. “There is a being known as Discord who is responsible for everything that has happened in this world. Including…” She frowned, “the source of our feud.”

Penumbra’s eyebrows knitted together. “Art thou claiming this Discord art wholly responsible, not thou?”

Sol Eater fell silent. “No. My actions were mine, I take responsibility for what I did.”

A look of surprise flashed across Penumbra’s face for the briefest of moments before she regained her composure. “Then what art thou proposing with this knowledge?”

“Closure.”

“Closure?”

A wicked grin formed on Sol Eater’s face. “Closure.”

Several tense second passed. Eventually, the same wicked grin formed on Penumbra’s face as well. “I do like closure.”

Pinkie Pie leaned over to Wits End. “I think we made a baaaad mistake,” she whispered.

“Really?” Wits mused back. “I think we set up our end-game entertainment.”

“My friends!” Penumbra stepped down from her throne, legs shaking slightly under what appeared to be the unfamiliar weight of her own body. “I believe I owe you two my thanks, and our assistance.” She bowed. “The Last Alicorn Bastion of the Night is at your command, Strategos Wits End.”

Wits End grinned widely. “Sweet! I have a title now?”

“Yes.” Sol Eater placed a hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder. “Although, the title of Prince Consort is always available.”

“...Oh?”

“Indeed,” Penumbra said, moving to sit next to the mint-colored stallion, opposite her sister.

“...Oh.”

Pinkie Pie looked the trio of ponies over. “Ohhhh my.”

Author's Note:

Author: Wits End

Comments

[Canary In The Coal Mine]

Only when it’s funny!

Ah, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? references... How I love you. Truly it fits Pinkie Pie' modus operandi.

[Charedfirescale]

Wit's End is going to need to reinforce his pelvis.