Caverns & Cutie Marks

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 11: Connections, References, and Lumber

Five ponies marched across the plains of tall grass; the two armed ones behind the three captured adventurers with weapons ready. “Keep it movin’,” Bugsy growled, poking at Fluttershy’s rear with an arrow, eliciting a squeak of surprise.

“Of course we’re gonna keep moving,” Wits End muttered, swatting a grass stalk away from his face. “Where else is there to go?”

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth, pointing a hoof in a random direction.

“Rhetorical question. Forget I asked,” Wits End said quickly.

Mugsy sniffed the air, leaping off the ground to hover a few yards above the group. “Ah, home sweet home.”

Wits End glanced around at the flat expanse around them. “What’re you talking about? We’re no less in the middle of a field what we were ten minutes ago. What kind of home is thi-AUGH!”

Part of the ground gave out under the unicorn’s hoof, sending him sprawling toward the ravine that had been hidden by the wall of grass stalks. Only Pinkie Pie grabbing his tail in her teeth kept him from falling the rest of the way down. “Oh,” he groaned, “the kind that tries to kill you. My favorite.” A particularly strong tug from Pinkie landed him back on solid ground. “Thanks.”

“Merph ferfphum,” the pink party pony replied.

“...You can stop biting my tail now, Pinkie.”

“Ber ert terphs miph sphermenph!”

Wits End stared for a good five seconds at he stared at the slowly nibbling mare, brain spinning to process what was going on. “Stop eating my tail!” he cried, tugging it out of the earth pony’s mouth.

“Aww…”

“If you lot are quite finished,” Mugsy said, landing next to a ramp leading down into the ravine. He motioned with his head, one hoof on the hilt of his sword

The three adventurer ponies made their way down the ramp, keeping close together as they saw more ponies armored in the same tattered armor as their captors. “Do you think we’ll be alright?” Fluttershy whispered.

“I think so,” Wits End whispered back. “I think this is all part of Discord’s current quest for us. Bandits are pretty standard beginner fodder, after all. If they didn’t have the drop on us, we probably could’ve taken them.”

“Then why didn’t we?” Pinkie Pie hissed.

Wits End shook his head. “Call it a hunch, but I think we’re suppose to be captured here. Otherwise, we would’ve been thrown into combat as soon as we saw them. I’ve run campaigns like this before; you don’t bring the players into the enemy lair without a good reason. Just play it cool, and don’t do anything that’d make them wanna kill us.”

Fluttershy nodded, a knot forming in her throat. Pinkie Pie held up a hoof in what Wits End’s brain registered as a thumbs up, sans thumb. “Great,” he thought, stepping off the bottom of the ramp. “Pony body language. More questions for Discord when I met him again. After I punch him right in the tooth, that is.”

“Well, well, well,” a voice boomed, rough like grit and hard like gravel. “What’ve we got here?” Seated at a raised podium was a large earth pony, with a patchy grey-green coat and a mane that clung to him like a mass of seaweed. He was better armored than the rest of the bandits, wearing most of a suit of full plate armor. Leaning against his makeshift throne was a massive club, with spiked bands of rusty iron wrapped about it. “New recruits, then?”

“Better, boss!” Bugsy said with a broken grin, elbowing Pinkie Pie out of the way to stand in front of the bandit chief. “We’ve got us some hostages from the village!”

“Yes,” Mugsy agreed, landing next to his unicorn partner in crime. “With hostages in our back pocket, those fools in the village will have no choice to surrender.”

“Hmm…” The chief rubbed his chin with the back of a dirty hoof. “I don’t recognize any of them from the village. Are you sure they’re villagers?”

The two bandits froze. “Uhh.”

Pinkie Pie raised a hoof. “What village’re you guys talking about?”

The bandit chief glared at the two shivering bandits. “At least tell me you took their bits.”

“Umm, well.” Mugsy rubbed the back of his head with a hoof.

“They don’t’ve any bits,” Bugsy said, wings folded tightly against her sides.

The chief raised an eyebrow. “They don’t have any bits?”

“They don’t-”

Pinkie held up a forehoof. “We’ve done this joke before,” she interrupted.

The chief shifted in his throne, his armor clanking around him. “So they have no money, no connection to the village, and no interest in joining my raiders?”

“That about sums it up,” Wits End agreed. “So if you don’t mind, we’ll just be leavi-”

“Well,” the chief continued, “at least they’re good looking mares. Put the three of them to work in the canteen. Free up some more ponies to bring in some actual bits.” He growled the last word, sending a chill down the two bandit’s spines. “Next time you two moss-heads get the bright idea to take hostages, make sure they’re useful.”

The bandits nodded vigorously, pushing the three adventurers toward the kitchen tent. However, Wits End dug his hooves into the ground. “OBJECTION! I am no mare!”

The chief’s eyebrow raised again as he looked the mint and sea-green unicorn over. “Are you sure?”
Wits End nodded. “Yes. Definitely. Wait.” He glanced between his legs, pulling his cloak aside slightly. “Yes. Definitely sure. One-hundred percent.”

“Huh. Never would’ve guessed.”

“Oye!”

The chief waved a forehoof idly as he settled back into his throne. “Well then, throw the girly colt in with Woodsworth. He could use the exercise.” He grinned as the unicorn was surrounded by a pair of grey pegasi. “Let the mares watch. It’ll serve to keep them in line.”

Wits End blinked as he was lifted by the forelegs into the air. “I did not think this objection out very well. I’d like to retract my previous stateme-AAAAAUGH!” He hit the dirt floor of the lowered arena-esque area face-first, sending up a small cloud of dust. “Someday I’ll learn to keep my big mouth shut,” he muttered, dusting his cloak off as he regained his balance. “Alright, who’s this Woodsworth then?”

A gust of musty air blew down on his head, flattening both his mane and the feather in his cap. He looked up slowly, his eyes widening to the size of dinner plates as he took in the maw of vines and bark that was hanging over him; a thick tongue of moss dripping dirty water on his upturned face.

“Oh my,” Wits End said softly, spotting the bandits lining around the arena. “Nice doggy?” He tumbled backwards as the Timberwolf snapped at his head, sliding a few feet away. “I guess not!” he shouted as the grid formed over the ground around him.

The massive canine raised its head to the sky, letting out a haunting wooden howl as the Discord-alike voice announced. “You have been thrown into combat with the Timberwolf. Combat is joined.”

Wits End’s name was at the top of the list, and he gritted his teeth, mind racing. No way I can take this thing on my own, he thought. No spells, no weapons, no armor worth a dang, and a whole awful lot to lose. If I could just get my hooves… dangit. If I could get my hooves on a sword, I might stand a chance… He looked up at the ridge of the arena, where Fluttershy was looking down at him, and Pinkie Pie was bouncing in circles, singing some sort of song about bravery and disembowelment, no doubt.

He blinked, eyes following the pink pony’s movements. “Wait a minute,” he muttered, brain connecting the dots. “Pinkie! Fluttershy! You guys can still move!”

Fluttershy pawed at the space next to her, not feeling any sort of barrier. Pinkie Pie nodded vigorously, leaning far over the edge. “Of course we can, silly! You’re the one fighting, not us!”

“Perfect!” Wits End backed away from the Timberwolf, moving through the grid until he bumped into an invisible wall. “Somepony find me a sword!”

“Why?” Fluttershy asked, as Pinkie bounced away, singing something about ‘sword-poke roundup’.

“Because I plan on not dying while I’m in here, that’s why!”

“Oh. Okay. Just be safe!” Fluttershy flew out of sight, in the same direction as Pinkie. The bandits remained enraptured by the mint-colored unicorn’s fight for his life, leaving the mares to their business.

Wits End swallowed hard, looking up at the Timberwolf again. “Easier said than done. I take a Total Defence action, and end my turn!”

The Timberwolf’s name moved to the top of the list, and it closed the distance between them in a few bounds. It raised one paw in the air, and swiped it across his body in a vicious motion. Sharp pain shot through his body where the claws tore into him, and a gasp escaped his lips as the air was forced out of his lungs.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, something shifted slightly. Some part of him took apart the pain and the sensation of being hit by the wooden claws, as if he could eventually understand it.

A few moments later, he picked himself up, physically unharmed. “Huh,” he muttered through gritted teeth. “Not even a scratch in my cloak. My immersion is ruined, Discord!” Wits End looked up at the green bar over his head, watching it tick down slightly. “Not nearly as bad as I thought it’d be.” He ran to the other end of the arena, shaking his head as he tried to clear his mind. “Total Defence action!”

Once again, the wooden wolf ran at him, taking a swipe at him. This time, however, the claws seemed to skid off of him slightly; the pain deadened as his mind processed more of the Timberwolf’s attack. What is that? he wondered, galloping back to the other end of the arena, watching his life tick down. Could it be…

“Hey Minty Fresh!” Pinkie Pie’s head appeared over the ridge. “We found you something!”

“That’s not my name!” Wits End shouted back. “And whatever it is, toss it down here!”

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie disappeared for a second, her bells ringing as she flung the glinting metal into the arena.

The blade landed tip first, embedding itself in the ground just behind the Timberwolf. “Oh for the love of Celestia and her royal right buttock!” he swore, the pony part of him replacing key parts of the oath. “You couldn’t get it a little closer?”

“Be glad it didn’t hit you in the face, silly!” Pinkie shouted back as Fluttershy appeared over the ridge, holding the sword’s scabbard in her hooves. “You’ve got your sword, now kick its flank!”

“Be careful,” Fluttershy added.

Wits End looked at the sword, then at the Timberwolf. “Fine. I can take another hit. Total Defence!” The Timberwolf glanced back at the blade before focusing on the unicorn again. It reared back and growled, opening its maw to clamp down on Wits End’s soft body.

In the instant its fangs neared his body, the something that had been building in the back of his mind clicked. “Oaken Shield!” he shouted, the words coming unbidden and his horn glowing bright. Instantly, branches and brambles shot out of the space between them, forming a tightly knit wall. Surprise flashed in the Timberwolf’s eyes as its teeth latched onto a hard shell of interwoven thorns and vines instead of tasty pony meat.
“What’s the matter, doggy?” Wits End asked, motes of forest green sparking off from the pale purple aura around his horn. “Taste bad?” His name ticked up to the top of the list as the wolf stepped backward, the wall of thorns crumbling between them.

Wits End dashed behind the Timberwolf, sliding a few feet as he grabbed the sword’s hilt with his magic, yanking the tip out of the ground. “Alright, you third-rate monster,” he growled, the blade glowing with wisps of pale green mist. “Time to show you there’s no comparison between us!” He leapt into the air, briefly blocking the sun from reaching the wolf’s eyes before he dropped, the tip of his sword sinking deep into its bark. The green bar above the Timberwolf shrank, now only slightly longer than Wits End’s. A wide grin crossed his face; his fighting chance confirmed.

The Discord-alike voice echoed above him. “Invoke Fear effect,” it explained. “Animals and Magical Beasts have a chance of retreating when struck with this weapon.”

“Huh.” Wits End looked at the blade, the pale green mist drifting out of the wound like fog from a swamp. “A magic weapon? Where’d bandit’s get this?”

“Invoke Fear successful,” the Discord-alike voice continued. “Timberwolf has retreated from battle.”
Wits End blinked, feeling the wooden surface under him tense up. “Wait, what?”

An instant later, the Timberwolf lept into the air, the mint-colored unicorn clinging to the hilt of his sword with both hooves; his panicked screaming drowned out by the equally panicked barking of his unwilling mount.

“Um.” Fluttershy backed up slightly as the wolf landed next to her and Pinkie Pie, sending bandits scrambling in all directions. “What do we do now?”
Pinkie Pie hopped up the Timberwolf’s leg, grabbing onto its thigh. “Well, duh! We ride out of here! Giddy-up, Woodsworth!”

“Oh, uh, o-okay.” Fluttershy flew up to where Pinkie was, but just as she was about to grab on, the Timberwolf took another panicked leap, causing her to instead grasp onto its tail as it sailed out of the bandit camp’s valley. “Eeep!”

Author's Note:

Author(s): Wits End

Comments

[Seeking Dusk]

So... Wits' end tastes like mint? He must be awesome to kiss then.

I other news; this was all to get a magic weapon? I wonder what Discord is playing at...

[Canary In The Coal Mine]

This is actually pretty clever for something planned that on the surface appears hopeless. I'd give the DM props for coming up with this if I was at the table.

“OBJECTION! I am no mare!”

The chief’s eyebrow raised again as he looked the mint and sea-green unicorn over. “Are you sure?”

Wits End nodded. “Yes. Definitely. Wait.” He glanced between his legs, pulling his cloak aside slightly. “Yes. Definitely sure. One-hundred percent.”

Having to check because you realize that you are in a transformed body and you just assumed that you were the same gender is a transformation joke that isn't played often. The timing here was perfect. Good job.

[Giftmak3r]

The most terrifying words that can come from a DM's mouth.

"Are you sure?"

[StarzGecko]

He still a dude right? Just looks a bit like a girl