• Published 14th Jan 2015
  • 4,587 Views, 367 Comments

Caverns & Cutie Marks - TheColtTrio



Discord's hosting a little game of Caverns & Cutie Marks, and the Mane Six are invited! But that's boring, so he adds in three others: three very, very strange colts.

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Chapter 85: EsCA-pe!

“For the last time, I’m not leaving!” Amber Glitter snapped, walking once again past the three mares.

“We’re not asking you to leave!” Twilight called after her, running to stop the Queen.

“Yes, we are,” Rainbow Dash grumbled under her breath. Amber eyed the blue pegasus with an arched brow, lips pursed in an expression of unamusement.

“We just want to help you evacuate your people,” Twilight offered. “Only the combat ready ponies need stay.”

“And me,” the Queen added.

“And you,” Twilight agreed, grimacing in resignation.

“If we are to evacuate the civilians, we must do so quickly,” Rarity piped up. “It appears that the offenders are preparing another attack on the castle gate.”

Amber Glitter growled and dashed past the three mares down the corridor to the front of the castle where her troops were stationed. Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash all shared a look and pursued the Queen to the main chamber.

“Everypony get ready! The enemy is preparing another attack.” Amber shouted, rousing the guards into their ready positions. She observed her troops for a few moments before turning to face the mares. “What is the plan to get my people to safety?”

“Well, we found one way in through the catacombs we might be able to find another way out of the castle,” Twilight thought aloud.

“Sure,” Amber replied. “Holdfast isn’t the first pony to try and conquer Gallopilli. There are secret passages in and out in every direction in case of assault.”

“That’s good,” Rainbow Dash said with a grin.

Amber Glitter frowned. “Except that Holdfast knows about almost all of them. Unless somepony scouts them out first, we might very well be sending those ponies right into those armored monsters.”

“That’s bad,” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“Then we’ll scout them out!” Rarity said. “We can explore them for you and report back.”

“That’s good!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“You should check them out, Rainbow,” Twilight said.

“That’s- wait, what?”

Rarity nodded. “You’re the fastest pony around. Surely you can find an unguarded exit in, say…” she made a show of thinking hard, “10 seconds flat?”

Rainbow Dash’s mouth formed a thin line. “Fiiiine. Where’s the secret passages of secretness?”

“My hoofmaiden inside will provide you with a map,” Amber said. After a moment, she pouted slightly. “You’re the only one who can help us.”

The rainbow-maned mare perked up. “Leave it to me!” With a flap of the wings and a rush of wind, Rainbow Dash shot back into the hallway.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the queen. “Is that right?”

“I remember your friend’s… exaggerated ego.” Amber smiled. However, the mares could see that her heart wasn’t really in it. “I thought I’d give her some encouragement.”

“A wise choice,” Rarity muttered.

* * *

Rainbow Dash barrelled down corridor after corridor; past pony after startled pony. The map she held flapped erratically as she flew at top speeds through the castle, searching for other secret passages that would hopefully be open and free of enemy armor husks. Besides the catacombs passage she, Rarity, and Twilight had entered through, there were three other possible passages through which Amber could send her non-combatants. One was under the dungeons where Purple Heart had inhabited briefly after his arrest. Another was a sister passage to the one from the catacombs and ran parallel from a store room on the other side of the castle. The final passage was probably the most sneaky in terms of bluffing: it was right under a guardhouse that flanked the castle gate.

Since the dungeons were the furthest away, Rainbow Dash elected to scout there first and work her way back to Amber, Twilight, and Rarity. She tore through another corridor and hung a left around a stairway that led underground. This area of the castle was empty of ponies as the guards were all holding the guardhouses and inner wall, while the servants attended to the injured and Queen Amber’s direct order.

“Aha!” the blue pegasus crowed upon reaching the dungeon proper. “I remember this place. Purple Heart was held here for a while.” She looked at the empty cells that lined the walls and looked at her map. Apparently, the secret passage way was in the fourth cell on the-

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash cried indignantly. “Why are you here?!”

The emaciated pegasus looked up from his bed, looking the mare over. “Well now. I remember you.” He stood on shaky rust-colored legs, leaning against the bars that separated him from Rainbow Dash. “You were here when that barbarian was brought in. If you’re looking for him, he was taken out shortly after you left.” He grinned with broken, yellow teeth. “Too late to save him, I’d think. If you look outside, maybe you can find him. At the end of a rope, of course.” The prisoner finished with a chuckle, falling into a coughing fit shortly after.

Rainbow Dash had an unamused expression on her face. “Are you done?”

The prisoner thought for a moment. “Suppose so. Not much else to do down here. What’d you want?”

“I was going to ask why you were still here, but that seems like a dumb question,” the mare said. “So, I’ll just go the quick route and put you in another cell. I have things to do in there and I don’t want you peeking over my shoulder while I do it. I’m getting creeped out just from looking at you.” She didn’t repress her shiver of disgust.

“Could always let me free,” the prisoner said with another grin. “I guarantee I won’t be no trouble.” The look on Rainbow Dash’s face was all the answer he needed; the drawn bow was just an added set of exclamation points at the end. “Point taken. What’d you need my cell for anyhow?”

Rainbow Dash hesitated in replying to the prisoner’s question. Was it wise to tell him that he had an escape route right beneath his hooves the entire time he’d been imprisoned? Sure, there’d be several seconds of amusement due to the prisoner’s ranting and raving, but then he’d wise up and start looking. And that would make moving him marginally more difficult. Then, she had a moment of vengeful realization.

“I need to move you to another cell so that I can refurbish this one,” Rainbow Dash chirupped. “Because you’ve been our longest resident here at the Gallopilli dungeon for ten years-”

“12 years,” the imprisoned pegasus corrected.

“-12 years,” she amended, “you’ve qualified for the Newly Refurbished Prisoner Suite by order of Her Majesty, Queen Amber Glitter. Congratulations!”

The prisoner stared at Rainbow Dash, as if peering into her intentions. The cyan pegasus mare felt a drop of sweat run down the back of her neck as she kept from blinking, or showing any other sign of her lie. “Fine,” he said, stepping away from the bars. “I look forward to another 12 years in a cell identical to this one, yet the ones outside call it ‘new and improved’.” He watched as the mare unlocked the door, gesturing to the cell directly across from his. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to know of any adventurers the Queen plans on sending down here, would you?”

“Um… not really.” Rainbow Dash unlocked the second cell door, ushering the prisoner inside. “Why?”

“King Bastion took a couple of months off my sentence for every adventurer I mocked down here.” The rust-colored pegasus grinned as the door locked. “I expect the Queen to live up to her old stallion’s word.”

“I believe she will,” Rainbow promised, moving into the now empty cell. She opened the map once again and looked at it. Lifting her gaze, she blinked at the cell, then returned to the map. “It should be right...” She walked over to the wall opposite the door. “...about...” She considered the wall and the stone bricks there. She raised a hoof, placed it on one of the bricks at about eye level, and put her full weight on it. “Here.” There was a grinding sound and the bed disappeared, dropped into a tunnel beneath the cell.

“WHAT?!” the prisoner shrieked. “There was a secret passage out of here and it was under my cell this entire time?!”

“Eeyup,” Rainbow Dash confirmed, peering into the hole. “Bastion probably put you here to annoy any pony that came along so that they wouldn’t check the cell. And it looks clear. Perfect! Now on to the other passages.” Rainbow Dash trotted out of the cell and was making her way back up the stairs to the castle proper when the prisoner called after her.
“Hey!” he cried. “What about my Newly Refurbished Prisoner Suite Award for my time here?!”

“Nah,” Rainbow called back. “You see, we’re under siege right now. I doubt Queen Amber even knows you’re down here. Anyways, toodles. More passages to check.” She resumed her ascent, shaking her head at the sobbing prisoner below her.

She shot along the passageways as quietly as she could, listening for any tell-tale signs that the Armoroids were in it. Two turns from the exit, she’d heard a clanking sound that stopped her dead in her tracks. She quietly made her way to the corner and peeked around it; coming face to face plate with one of the armors. To her speedy shame, she only reacted after the armor made the first move. Jumping back around the corner and speeding back the way she’d come, she quickly got back to the entrance and closed it. Thinking fast, she pulled her bow out and used one of her special arrow attacks on the ceiling of the cell, causing it to collapse in on itself.

“Looks like you’re doing some refurbishing after all!” the prisoner shouted, keeping away from the bars. “Sounds like that siege is a bit closer that you thought, eh?”

“Oh, shut up,” Rainbow groused, listening to see if the Armoroids were going to try and dig through the rubble. “Looks like you won’t be getting the chance to heckle a bunch of walking empty armors. Anyway, I gotta jet. Good luck getting out. If I remember, I might even make sure Amber knows you're here.”

“Know that I’m he- Hey!” The prisoner watched as the mare bolted away. He had some choice words for the retreating mare, but they were inappropriate for the rating of this story, and this is not his story anyway.

Rainbow frowned as she sped through the castle's lower levels. Technically, the passage to the gate house should be the next, but if Holdfast doesn’t know about that I’ll eat the first thing Pinkie pulls from her hair, she considered. I guess I’ll check the store house next and double back if I have to. With that final thought, she veered off the path she was taking and headed down a new one. After a few minutes, she arrived at the store house in question; the thick coating of dust showing the disuse. Well, at least I know the Armoroids don’t know of this place. Or Rarity, she added with a snort.

One sub-sonic fly-by through the inside of the storehouse cleared away the dust, along with the lighter contents. Under a stack of crates, Rainbow Dash found a trapdoor; made in such a way to blend into the floor as long as it was covered. “Jackpot,” she muttered, flipping the trapdoor open. “Let’s get this over with.” She dove in, following one wall through the passageways.

She stayed closer to the ceiling to avoid the alleged slimes, only occasionally having to dodge something protruding from the ceiling. She slowed down once she got closer to the end of the passage, again listening for any noise from the Armoroids. She paused at the last corner and peaked around it close to the floor. She sighed thankfully at the empty passage and made her way to the end. She ran her hoof along the wall near the door until it caught on a slightly protruding brick. Pressing it in, the door slid open and she quickly moved to the other side and closed the door. Taking a couple of minutes, she checked the nearby area and, finding it pleasantly free of enemies, she hopped back through the door and sped back along the way she’d come.

She burst through the door back to where Amber was and, with a quick loop, landed in front of her. “You may now applaud,” she said, polishing a hoof on her chest. “I found the passage we could use. Even cleaned it a little,” she said smugly, looking at Rarity

“Not exactly ten seconds though, was it, dearly?” Rarity fired back with a similar grin, wiping the smug look off of Rainbow Dash’s face.

“Not now girls,” Twilight said, looking between the two before she focused on Rainbow Dash. “Where does the passage start and end?” Rainbow pulled out the maps she had and laid it all out to the others present.

Rainbow Dash tapped a circled building on the map. “Here, the storehouse. It goes all the way out to the forest way outta town. There none of those Armoroids anywhere nearby.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Armoroids?”

“Beats saying “empty suits of armor” all the time.”

“...Fair enough. Let’s tell Amber and get the citizenry out of here.”

* * *

Discord cheerily whistled as he worked on building a bastion so strong and mind-bending it would be impervious to attack. The song was one that had wormed its way into his head while he had been exploring the media from the colts’ home. Before everything had gone all wrong, he thought a frown. The thought also marred his work with a particularly mind-bending set of sigils that he swore he’d heard a sort of gurgling, squid-like laughter when he looked straight at it. With a shrug, he made the sigils sparkly to draw the eyes and went back to work. Or at least he would have had one of the scouts he’d sent out chose that exact moment to interrupt his Ultimate Tor of Rubber Ducky Doom.

“Lord Captain Gentleman Combat Scholar Master Discord the Fancily Panted Third,” the scout managed after a couple of tries. “I spotted ponies approaching from the capital. I thought it was some of those adventures you’d told us about. When I approached, I noticed there were too many for it to be them. Turns out they are refugees from the capital. I led them to a spot they can take cover until you’ve had a chance to talk to them.”

“Hmm, sounds fun. I’ll just finish slapping this together and then you can show me to them.” Discord said, finishing with a snap, causing a giant rubber ducky to appear. “Eh, close enough for now.”

“Of course, please follow me, L.C.G.C.S.M.D.F.P.T.,” the scout said ignoring the cheshire grin that spread across Discord’s face as the scout used the initials of the title he gave himself. He silently floated behind the scout, hiding his inner thoughts.

I can understand the refugees, but why aren’t the mares leading them? Or Amber? Or even amongst the group? Well no, wait, they could be amongst the group, and the scout just didn’t notice them. Or more likely they followed behind the group to keep them from being followed. A thought occurred to him and he voiced it aloud. “You didn’t happen to see any guards amongst them did you?”

“No, sir,”

Well, that lends a little more credence to them following behind. With any luck, they’ve caught up by now. His thought finished just as they entered a clearing filled with thousands of ponies.

“Miss Landed Title,” the scout called out to an older mare prompting her to come over. “This is Discord, the one setting up the defences of Roads Crossed.”

“Ah, my Lord Discord. Thank you for meeting with us so soon. It was a long hard trek to here. The sooner these ponies can be behind walls and feel safe, the better,” Landed Title replied, giving a small curtsy.

“Miss Title, you’ll be happy to know that your ponies are about to be behind the safest walls in all of the kingdom, long as they don’t look too closely at most of them.” Discord finished quietly. “I have to wonder though, why hasn’t Queen Amber been the one to meet me? Surely the soldiers guarding your rear would have caught up by now.”

“That would be because she and all of the able-bodied ponies stayed behind in the capital to hold it. Including the three mares; Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Twilight,” Landed Tile said, a small look of worry crossed her face at Discord’s reaction to her news before she remembered. “Oh, that reminds me, I was told to deliver a message to you as soon as I could.”

The draconequus arched an eyebrow as the unicorn pulled a small scroll from a belt pouched. She levitated the scroll up, offering it to Discord. Plucking it from the air, the mismatched being unrolled the message and blinked down at it. Landed Title stood there, waiting for him to finish reading.

Discord,

As you may have noticed, we aren’t with the refugees fleeing the capital to find safe haven in Roads Crossed. The reason is simple: the Villains are assaulting Gallopilli.

Holdfast’s forces have already sacked the city and surrounding countryside, but the castle remains. We need reinforcements. We’re holding out for now, but I’m not sure how long the castle will stand. Bring any combat ready ponies from Roads Crossed and contact the Colts. They need to hurry.

Twilight Sparkle

Discord groaned in exasperation and rubbed at his forehead with a paw. “I just finished putting the last touches on my devious and chaotic trap here!” he whined. “And yet, I have to leave all my hard work and planning here to go storm the castle?! I. AM. NOT. PLEASED!” He raised a fist above his head and looked eager to strike something in a fit of petulant rage.

Landed Title shrunk away from the ranting being, very keen to not be introduced to his wrath. However, no wrath came. The draconequus merely sagged to his haunches and went silent. Landed Title blinked at Discord’s slumped form and confusion settled on her lined features.

“Ehm,” she cleared her throat and walked over to Discord to tap his shoulder. “Lord Discord? Is everything alright?”

“Nope,” he grunted. “I just got trolled. Built up all these defenses, prepared for overwhelming odds, I even made a MOAT! But NOOOO! Instead, we’re assaulting the colt-forsaken capital! Excuse me please while I play Operator! Hey! Colts! WAKE UP! We got a problem! This is Discord calling the Derp-Colt Hotline, 555-0123!”

“WHAT DID YOU DO NOW?!” Purple Heart snapped. “Did you get Banish’ed? Did you become the Bulwark? Did you become the MVPB? ‘Most Valuable Punching Bag’?”

“Oh come on! You're still salty over that? Dude, it’s been months! Get over it. Anyway, what's up, Discord?” Light Patch asked.

“Calling it now,” Wits End jumped in. “Something borked up and the plan has gone the way of the dodo bird and EA’s moral integrity. Do we need to scatter to the four corners of the map? Or is it time for a Big Darn Heroes Moment?”

“Second one,” Discord replied. “Apparently, Twilight, Dashie, and Rarity weren’t able to get Queen Amber out of Gallopilli. Instead, they got trapped there with her while the castle is under siege by an army of Holdfast’s Armor troops. I just got a message asking for reinforcements.”

“...Ah,” Purple Heart grunted. “It’s the call of the ‘Deep Doo Doo Bird’.”

Wits End sighed heavily. “I hate being right about this stuff. So, we bring what we’ve got to Gallopilli, hit Holdfast’s numbers with our numbers, and hope our numbers are better numbers. Where’s the Daemon Prince of Bel Air and Just Duty It Don’t Let Your Dreams Be Dreams in all of this?”

“I’m no-”

“Or at least hope we’ve got the bigger force multipliers,” Light Patch interrupted.

“I’m not entire-”

“Or a general with more stars than theirs,” Wits mused.

Discord waited a few seconds to see if they were going to continue, “I don’t know whe-”

“Or enough nukes to lag the game like nothing else,” Purple Heart sighed.

“Do you three want me to actually tell you what's going on so you don’t blunder into a trap and get stack wiped, or not?” Discord mentally shouted through the link. They were silent. “Good, now shut up and let me finish speaking, or I just may finish what they started. No, I don’t exactly know what Bael is up to. I can tell that Just Duty is near the capital, most likely in it but I don’t know for sure.”

“Well, two outta three ain’t bad,” Light Patch said. “So long as we can finish those two before Bael shows up with whatever army he pulls outta his fur, we should be good.”

“That might actually be a problem,” Purple Heart said. “Fluttershy and I ran into Bael a short while ago. He was recruiting any ponies of the Emerald Legion that he could and seemed like he was on his way to Gallopilli when he left. And now that I think about it, no one will know which Legionnaires belong to either of us… BOLLOCKS!”

“LEEKS! LEEKS ARE THE ANSWER!” Light Patch shouted through the link. His cry was met with confused silence.

“What the absolute frack are you on about?” Wits deadpanned.

“Leeks. You put leeks in your legionnaires helmets. The Welsh or some such did it before they had to fight Saxons, so they could tell who was on who’s side,” Light Patch replied.

“...And you know this...how?” Purple Heart inquired. “Was it a factlet from Aging Kings or did you find it while surfing the web?”

“I saw it in an episode of Good Eats,” Light Patch said.

“...Huh...All Tonne Brown does find that kind of stuff. Spiffy. Discord, could you please put some identifying mark on the Legionnaires coming to Roads Crossed?I sent the few that I managed to recruit there,” Purple Heart said. “I also have the support of the Hare Clans. I managed to convince them I was the newest Badger Lo- OW! Her timing is uncanny...”

“And I’m finding out about this NOW?!” Discord raged.

“Um...yeah? I don’t have telepathy. Hence, I can’t make calls. Unlike some other petulant god being I know of.”

“Patch that in next time, Discord,” Wits said. “I’m pretty sure everypony will be able to tell whose side the folks I’m bringing are on.” He fell silent for a few seconds. “I feel like I should apologize in advance.”

“...And why is that?” Discord asked.

“Well, I don’t feel THAT bad. This is gonna be hilarious.”

“Well, now I’m just all atwitter in anticipation,” Light Patch said in his best Rarity impression. “As for the forces I’m bringing, just know that when the bell tolls midnight and the rain abates, your journey to Halloweentown will be complete,” Light Patch finished, adding his best 'deep dark chuckle'.

Wits End muttered something about 'bells of awakening' and 'undead asylums' before sighing. “Alright. I better tell my waifus what’s going on. Wits out!”

“Indeed,” Purple Heart agreed. He paused briefly and continued speaking. “I don't have waifus, so I can't tell them what's going on. Though somehow I think Wits would disagree... Regardless, abscond!”

I’ll need to practice my cackle and see about teaching my army to play something spooky for when we show up,” Light Patch said. “Unless there is anything else, armageddon outta here.”

“Very well,” Discord sighed. “Make haste to Gallopilli. We have a game to finish.”

Discord severed the connection to the three colts and raised his head to see Landed Title looking worriedly at him.

“Prepare the troops,” Discord ordered. “We march to reinforce Gallopilli.”

“Yes, my lord!” Landed Title squeaked, flashing a little curtsy salute before darting away. A grin curled Discord’s lips as he rose.

“I’ve always wanted to say that,” he chuckled.

Author's Note:

Authors: Light Patch, Purple Heart, Wits End

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