Caverns & Cutie Marks

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 32: The Inns or Outs

“Eugh,” Purple Heart grumbled as he swallowed his breakfast. “That apple was absolutely horrid.” Applejack sniffed at the basket of apples sitting in the center of the table and grimaced.

“Those apples ain’t good,” she declared. “Too ripe.” Purple Heart groaned as he munched mournfully on the remnants of his breakfast.

“The apples from my hometown are the best ever,” he sighed wistfully. “Red apples, green apples... Regardless of color, they’re the best.” The orange earth pony arched an eyebrow at the purple barbarian.

“I beg to differ,” Applejack huffed. “I may not know what you do with yer apples, but I for a fact know that mine are the best apples in Equestria.” Purple Heart shrugged and stretched.

“I dunno if we’ll ever find out who’s right,” he grunted. “We live pretty carping far away. Danke for the foods by the way. Even if this inn is… Eugh...”

Twilight glanced around at the simple, medieval-esque furnishings around them. “It’s not… that bad,” she said slowly.

“Twilight is right, it’s not that bad,” Light Patch said, glaring at the recently uncovered remnants of a mean paste stuck to his plate. “It’s so much worse. I mean, I’ve seen hives of scum and villainy better than this place.” The grey pegasus finished pushing his plate away with a look of sorrow to the food still on it.

Purple Heart rolled his eyes and shrugged. “At least there aren’t any convicts with death sentences in twelve countries loitering around.” He looked around the inn with a scrutinizing gaze, unaware of the pony behind him.

“PURPLE!” Pinkie screamed, jumping on the unsuspecting earth pony. “What’s with the metal glove in your pack?!” The earth pony in question gave a surprised yip and toppled to the wood covered floor, entangled with the pink party pony.

Before any of the other mane six could attempt to stop Pinkie, the murmur of the inn was split by a sudden war cry. “Spoon!” the grey pegasus stallion shouted before launching himself to the aid of his friend and prompting a small wrestling match to begin. Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash looked on bemusedly.

The inn doors swung open, revealing Wits End shaking off a drop of morning dew that had managed to land directly on his neck; Fluttershy hovering close behind. “I have come with news,” Wits was saying dramatically as he scanned the table of adventurers. “We’ve been invi- What in the name of Celestia’s heavenly hindquarters is going on here.”

“Mu-mumph mumph!” a muted voice said from the beneath Light Patch and Pinkie Pie. “Pinmph wumph tph berbernmph! GEROFF!!” A dark shape rose quickly from the floor. Light Patch gave a small yelp as he soared through the air, landing with a small thud; Pinkie’s landing went unheard though.

“That was fun,” Pinkie chirped, sitting back at her spot at the table. “Throw me again!” she demanded, looking at the barbarian.

Purple Heart sat back in his seat and scowled. “Nien. All rides now cost five bits. As for the gauntlet, I got it as a gift. Can’t wear it though. Not yet at least.” He swung his gaze to the surprised Wits End and pointed with a hoof. “And seriously? ‘Heavenly hindquarters?’ Yeesh. We were just horsing around a bi...” His voice petered out. His eyes swelled. And then he slammed his face onto the table.

Wits grinned as he took one of the empty seats. “Good,” he rasped, “goooooood. Let the puns flow through you.” He coughed, turning his attention to the other ponies around him. “What’ve I missed? Aside from the Pony Wrestling Federation starting up?”

“Tavern food reeks,” Purple Heart grumbled. “What about you? Did you have fun storming the castle?”

“Oh, loads.” Wits narrowed his eyebrows at the state of the plates around him. “The princess is another castle,” he dissolved into a muttered string of nonspecific almost-words before picking back up, “and we’ve been invited to a ball tonight!”

Purple Heart blinked as the Mane Six began barraging Wits End with questions. Amid the torrent of voices, he raised his head and frowned at the pinto. He banged a hoof on the table to get everypony’s attention and spoke. “What happened to staying low-key?”

“I was low-key! I was the lowest of keys! In fact, I was practically off the keyboard!”

“We snuck around the castle,” Fluttershy said innocently.

“Hasdidiphif!” Wits waved his hooves, his eyes widened. “Ixnay on the neaksay!”

Fluttershy tilted her head. “I thought I was being more assertive?”

Wits sighed, shoulders slumping. “We’ll have to work on timing later. Well, we ran into the chancellor, and he invited us to the ball he’s holding in honor of Amber Glitter’s arrival.” He straightened back up. “Sounds like a good chance to get some sneaky castle intrigue to me.”

“Do it,” Purple Heart hissed, snickering to himself. Then he shuddered, grimacing. “I hate intrigue. Love to read it, hate to partake of it. What possessed you to accept this invitation? Particularly when we should keep our presence a secret here?”

“Ah have to agree with Purple,” Applejack admitted. “Ah don’t think flauntin’ ourselves at a party would be the smartest of things.”

“As much as I do love the chance to, as they say, ‘strut my stuff’,” Rarity said, flipping her mane back into place, “we should practice some restraint.”

“I think it would be a great chance to get some first hand knowledge on the Royal Family,” Twilight spoke up. “We should go.”

“PARTY!” Pinkie Pie squealed, prancing around the table in joy.

“It couldn’t hurt,” Rainbow Dash mused. “We could always fight our way out if we have to.”

“Uh...no,” Purple Heart countered. The Mane Six turned to the purple earth pony and gaped at him in stunned surprise as he continued. “Sure, we could be able to fight our way out, but I’m against that. If we had a month to prepare along with a wheelbarrow and a holocaust cloak, then yes, I’d be fine with duking it out in the castle. But not now. We know too little and we would be outnumbered before you could say ‘mahwaige’.” There were a collection of confused looks around the table, but they all understood Purple Heart’s meaning: Too weak. Going in blind. We shouldn’t risk it.

Light Patch looked up from his thoughts. “It might not be a brilliant idea, but as long as we’re careful, it could be useful.” He paused. “I gotta ask; what made you accept the invitations for us, Witty?” the stallion finished, looking towards his friend.

Wits was silent for a moment. “Well,” he started slowly, “I did think we should keep a low profile, like you guys said.” He looked toward the purple and orange earth ponies. “And I also thought we should introduce ourselves to the local nobility.”

Purple Heart frowned as he considered his friend. “You aren’t telling us something. I can see it in your eyes. That, and you’re twitching. Spill.”

Wits’ gaze managed to find something extremely fascinating with one of the wooden beams crossing the ceiling. After a nudge from Fluttershy, he sighed. “Well, ya know, I weighed the pros on one side and the cons on the other, but in the end the biggest factor in accepting the invitation was that the chancellor would prooooobably have me assassinated in my sleep if I said no.” He thought for a second. “And maybe everypony else at this table. It’s the little things, ya know?”

The table of ponies stared at Wits End in dumbstruck silence. It stretched on for some time; so long in fact that the bartender looked up from polishing glasses. Then Purple Heart spoke.

“Whadacarp?” he grunted, his voice low. Then it reached a new level, specifically crafted for that moment of undeniable disbelief. “WHAT DID YOU DO?! Why does the chancellor want you there?! Why does he want us there?! How does he know about us?!” The entire inn looked up in surprise at the outburst, all eyes focused on the heavily breathing purple earth pony.

“Keep your voice down there, Hoofstrong,” Wits End hissed. “We don’t need ponies back in Equestria to know what’s going on too.”

“One,” Purple Heart returned, his voice softened as he brought his face close to the table across from Wits End, “What did you do?! Two, I don’t have a shirt to rip off and I don’t sparkle! Three, it would be a nice help if they came! This is getting ridiculous!”

“I have literally done nothing! It’s obviously the start of the next quest. The party split up, we got back together, now Discord is giving us a clear sign of what our next move should be.” Wits shrugged nonchalantly, mind racing to put together a reasonable explanation before the vein throbbing in Purple Heart’s forehead exploded. “Besides, he didn’t exactly ‘invite’,” he made air-quotes with his forehooves, “you guys at all. He told me I could bring friends, is all. If you guys don’t show up, he won’t go after you.” He glanced off to the side, coughing in a way that could be misconstrued as the world ‘probably’. Purple Heart sighed and rubbed his face with a hoof.

“I’ll go with you,” he grumbled. “If not to learn more of this place, then to keep an eye on you. If you don’t want to come, that’s fine.” He addressed this to the Mane Six.

“And my axe, er hammer,” Light Patch chimed in before muttering. “I really should finish reading that.”

Purple Heart snorted. “Yes, you should.”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “I already asked Fluttershy to be my ‘date’,” he made quotation marks in the air with his hooves again; the pink-maned pegasus blushing in the background. “My dance card is full. You’ll have to wait your turn.”

A smirk twisted Purple Heart’s lips as he arched an eyebrow at the pinto. “I won’t dance. Don’t even think about it, senpai. And are you sure you should’ve said that with Twilight here?”

The humor drained from Wits’ face as he turned to Twilight. “You wanna simultaneously punch him in the face real quick?” Purple Heart zipped his trap and stepped back.

“Dance card’s full, huh?” Applejack muttered. She somehow managed to both blush and blanch when Wits End turned to her, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. “No.”

“Eh, probably for the best. I can’t dance anyway. The only thing about me is the way that I walk.” the cleric said, dancing to a song only he could hear.

“So,” Purple Heart said, “who’s all going to this brewing catastrophe?” The Mane Six all shared silent looks for several minutes as if conversing amongst themselves. The three colts looked on blankly, certain that they were missing out on a great deal. Eventually, the six mares turned back to the colts and Twilight spoke.

“I think we all should go,” she decided. “Strength in numbers. We can also gain more information with more ponies listening in.” Purple Heart sighed.

“Guess we’ll be leveling up our Gather Information skill a carpload,” he growled. “Fine. When’s this thing gonna start?” He directed the question to Wits End.

Wits shook his head, recovering from the magic of purely visual-based communication that had just occurred. “He just said tonight. I assume he’ll send somepony when it’s time.”

Purple Heart nodded and rose. “We’d better start getting ready now.” Twilight frowned and looked at the purple earth pony questioningly.

“Why now?” she asked curiously. Purple Heart stared blankly at the alicorn for several seconds.

“Last I checked,” he said. “You six are female. I know how long it takes females to get ready for anything. It’s no great secret. Not like the other thing was.”

Twilight blinked. “Wow.”

Wits End placed a forehoof over his face. “Very wow.”

Light Patch put a hoof over his mouth and acted like he was talking to a radio, “Rampart, this is squad 51. We have burn patients and one seriously battered stallion. Please advise.” The stallion quickly shut up at the murderous glare he received from Rarity.

Rarity stood with a dramatic scoff. “Well girls, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I intend to take my time preparing.” She turned her glare to Purple Heart. “I’m sure you’ll be perfectly fine handling the delicate and nuanced world of court politics on your own,” she finished icily, turning away from the table and taking the stairs to their rooms.

“You operate under the assumption that I intend to speak,” Purple Heart grumbled under his breath, only loud enough for Twilight and Wits End to here. He turned and trotted towards the door. “I’m gonna go see if I can purchase something mildly presentable.. Hopefully, they have something in my size. I’ll be back here in a while.” Without another word, he departed, letting the doors to the inn swing idly behind him.

“I should probably try to get something presentable too,” Light Patch noted, glancing at his hodgepodge armor. With a quick wave, he galloped after his friend.

The remaining five mares turned to look at Wits End. The mint-colored unicorn shrank in his seat, pulling his head into his collar. “Don’t look at me,” he muttered weakly. “I’m a fe-mare-nist.” He fiddled with his robe idly, sinking further into the seat. “Who were those guys, anyway?”

* * *

A pony in elegantly-sculpted armor arrived at the inn just as the sun started to touch the horizon, escorting the nine adventurer ponies to the castle. A nod to the other similarly-clothed guards at the castle gate was all it took to get them inside, and they soon found themselves just outside the ballroom, where ponies in fancy garb danced and talked.

Wits End whistled, his cloak and everyday clothes—now cleaned and pressed—almost an equal match for those worn by the stallions inside. “Mighty fine shindig,” he said, adjusting the broach at his neck with his magic.

“Yeah, just oozing class,” Light Patch said, trying to ignore the ponies staring his armor, which was now as pink as the stripe in his mane and tail. “I’m gonna go find find the snack table, and hide under it,” he finished, muttering about bargain bin mages.

“I might join you,” Purple Heart muttered, shifting in his in his superfluous ceremonial garb the color of the evening sky. “This thing has way too many tassels and ropes. Not to mention the ridiculous shoulder boards. I feel like a commissar.”

“Yeah, but at least you look good.” Light Patch noted, swatting one of the tassels, “I look like a tornado sneezed me through a used armor shop, and a salt water taffy stand.” Before the stallion could react, Pinkie Pie licked his armor with a slurping noise that stopped most near by talk. The pink party mare greeted the stallion’s glare with her number eighty three grin.

“Just checking,” she hummed before bouncing back to Rainbow Dash’s side.

Twilight sighed, waving awkwardly at the staring ball-goers. She and the other mares had managed to find dresses similar to their Grand Galloping Gala wear with only mild difficulty. “Well, so much for trying to not make the wrong first impression.” She turned to the eight other ponies. “Remember, we’re here to gather information, so don’t make any enemies here.”

“And don’t die,” Wits End added. “Helpful advice for life.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna go find a place to clean my armor off,” the pegasus stallion said with a quick glare to Pinkie Pie before he split off.

“Lets split up, gang!” Wits End said with a smile, which quickly fell as he realised what he’d just said. “Why do I keep suggesting that?”

“I dunno,” Purple Heart chuckled over his shoulder as he disappeared into the crowd, “I may sometimes claim to know the inner workings of your mind, but I am just as ignorant of your reasonings as the next pony.”

* * *

After some time spent information gathering, and sampling one of each of the supplied snacks, Wits End turned to find a familiar snow-white earth pony behind him. “I see stealth is part of being the chancellor,” he said with a small bow of his head.

Chancellor Holdfast returned the bow. “Being fleet of hoof is just as important as being fleet of mind.” he motioned toward a balcony overlooking the ballroom. “A place where we can speak in private.”

Wits End put on a polite smile. “Lead the way then.”

The two ponies weaved their way through the ballroom to a inconspicuous door, which lead up a flight of stairs to the balcony. Wits End sat on the offered cushion across from Holdfast, keeping his eyes on the snow-colored stallion. “Nice party,” He said, motioning down at the ball below them.

“I like to hold these regularly,” Holdfast said. “It’s a good way to get gossip and news from both the diplomats stationed here, and more importantly, their retinue.” He motioned to a servant to fill his glass with red wine. “Something I learned during my own time as a diplomat. Care for a drink, mister End?”

“I’m not thirsty.”
Holdfast paused. “Have I offended you in some way?”

“Absolutely not.” Wits End waved a hoof dismissively. “But I’m in a secluded area of a ballroom with the grand vizier. You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t take any chances.”

Holdfast smirked. “And what if I take a drink first?”

Wits End shrugged. “With your time as a diplomat, I’m sure you’ve developed some key immunities. Nightlock, Red Water, Iocaine powder...”

Holdfast chuckled, glancing over the railing at the ball-goers below. “I see you brought your friends with you.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter,” Wits said with a shrug. “Consider it my way of putting all of my cards on the table.” He grinned. “That ‘directness’ that you’re such a fan of.”

“Very true.” Holdfast waved the servant away. “Then I shall get straight to the point. I have a need for your skills.”

“I assume you mean as a Mimic?”

“Amongst other things. I have… certain interests.”

Wits End’s eyebrows narrowed. “If you don’t mind, please speak plainly. I don’t speak subtle.”

Holdfast chuckled. “There’s that directness again. Very well then.” He leaned in. “Over the last few years, I have gathered the support of King Bastion’s inner circle to establish a new ruler.”

“Would this have to do with Amber Glitter’s appearance?”

Holdfast shook his head. “Not exactly.”

“Really? Then who?”

“You’re speaking to him.”

Wits’ eyebrows shot up. He lowered his voice. “Are you talking about a coup?”

Holdfast looked shocked. “Absolutely not, mister End! Simply a change in rulership when the good king… ceases to be able to perform his duties. Killing King Bastion would cause the people to rebel against my new rule.”

“Of course…”

“However, the appearance of Princess Glitter has raised some concerns within the court. The people may very well rally behind her rule rather than… well, an alternative.”

“Such as you?”

Holdfast smiled. “You understand the situation so well.”

“And what do you want from me?” Wits End asked, sitting back on his cushion. “To convince the court that you’re a better choice?”

“In a way.”

“And what do I get out of this?”

Holdfast shrugged dismissively. “I can offer you a place on my own court, of course. But, an adventurer such as yourself would have no use for that.” He motioned to the servant, who produced a wrapped scroll and placed it on the table between them.

Wits End raised an eyebrow. “My reward is paper? Not pants?”

“A scroll. Penned by an ancient master Mimic. It teaches a great many things about the Mimic’s ability to imitate other ponies; even taking on their appearance. Consider it an offering to one who would use it better than I.”

A twinkle shined in Wits End’s eye. An Alter Self ability? he thought. This just got interesting. “Is that so… And what would I have to do for such a princely treasure? Do you think I’m the type of pony to do something without question?”

Holdfast chuckled. “The idea that ponies can be grouped into ‘types’ is a ridiculous notion. No, I’ve had five days to observe you, mister End. I don’t know your type; I know you.”

A shiver went down Wits’ spine. “And what do you want?”

Holdfast leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. “I want you to utterly, completely destroy young lady Amber Glitter.”
Wits End froze. After a few seconds, he stood. “Good night, Chancellor,” he said roughly, turning away.

“You will not leave me without hearing me out.” Holdfast’s voice held an edge that send a second chill down the unicorn’s spine.
Wits looked over his shoulder at the snow-white stallion. “Whatever kind of pony you think I am, you’ve got me wrong.”

“I think I understand exactly the kind of pony you are.” Holdfast glared at the mint-colored pony. “You know I am in a position of power and that you are not. I know that there is some part of you that wants to know why I would ask a complete stranger something like this, threatening my position. And I know that you will put your silly pretence at pride aside and sit down to learn that reason.”

Wits End thought for a moment. “And why do you think that?

Holdfast sipped his wine. “You arrived with such lovely friends.” He motioned for the unicorn to sit down again. “I have many ponies in my employ who would do... anything, if I told them to.”

Wits End slammed his hooves on the table. “If you think that threatening to kill my friends will make me-”

“Mister End, you misunderstand me,” Holdfast said, shaking his head with a smile. “I would never kill any of your friends.” He leaned on the table, steepling his hooves in front of him. “Do you understand? Never.”

The unicorn was silent for a second before the color drained from his face. “You…” he muttered weakly.

“Ahh, the moment of dawning realization.” Holdfast’s smile widened into a grin. “I’ve found you can tell volumes about somepony by what threats they react to. You were angry when you thought I threatened your friends lives.” His eyes narrowed at the expression on the unicorn’s face. “Yes... You’re the kind of pony who’s slow to trust, but fiercely loyal to those you consider friends. You would die to protect your friends; but more importantly, you would kill to protect them. You were considering killing me to protect them, weren’t you?

“But pain?” Holdfast’s chuckled. “Scars run deep, mister End; mental scars even deeper. You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you cause pain to one of your friends. You’d kill me to save your friends; you’d kill anypony in that ballroom to protect them.”

He glanced over the balcony at the ballroom below. “Your yellow pegasus friend seems to be enjoying herself.” Holdfast waited until Wits End followed his gaze, where Fluttershy was chatting happily with a group of songbirds. “She seems like she’d be the first to break.”

Wits End felt his heart drop, his mind blank for the first time. The color drained from the world; the sounds of the ball below them dulling to silence. “Y-you wouldn’t,” he whimpered.

Holdfast’s grin widened, showing teeth stained red with wine. “And now, I own you,” he sighed. He leaned back, sipping his drink again. “I’ll give you a few weeks to fulfill your end of the bargain.”

“I… I…”

“Oh, one more thing.” Holdfast tapped the balcony railing. “It would ruin all of your hard work to protect your friends if you were tell them what happened in this meeting. Understood? Good night,” he emphasized his last word with a possessive tone, “boy.”

Vastly weakened compared to before, Wits End stood on shaky legs, taking the stairs down from the balcony. He crossed the ballroom, making a straight line toward Fluttershy. “Oh, hello mister End!” the pegasus said cheerfully. “This is a very nice pa-”

Wits End grabbed her forehoof, pulling her toward the exit. “We’re leaving. Right now.”

“Mister End?”

Sweat beaded down the unicorn’s forehead, his voice strained from the tightness in his chest. “We’re leaving. All of us. We’re running away from this castle and the ponies in it. We’re running fast, and we’re running far, far away.”

“Mister End!” Fluttershy dug her hooves in, pulling the two ponies to a stop. “What is going on? Are you okay?”
With his momentum gone, Wits End’s legs gave out and he slid to the ground. “No,” he muttered. “I am very much not okay.”

Fluttershy stared in shock at the utter defeat in the voice of the stallion she had seen take on a massive scorpion without flinching. “Can… can I help?”

Wits End looked up at at the pegasus filly, forcing his mind to work. After a moment, some of his composure returned. “Fluttershy,” he said, his voice still shaky, “I’m going to need all the help you can give.”

* * *

“And you know, like totally.”

“I think you should go out with him.”

“You know, I just don’t know.”

“I think you should.”

“Yeah, I think I should.”

...Seriously? Even in such a different world, these ponies use anachronisms like there’s no tomorrow.

Purple Heart walked slowly through the crowd of dignitaries and the upper class of Gallopilli in silence, irritated that the conversation he had just heard was of absolutely no help whatsoever. The purple earth pony held no interest for the aristocratic ponies and their schemes, even if he was capable of understanding them. Too many times had he witnessed the kind of things that could happen at such gatherings. And that wasn’t considering the fact that he stuck out like a sore horn. All these ponies were either born and bred into the aristocracy or had been tutored within inches of their plushy lives so that they may go through the motions to please others. A plethora of other descriptions for such ponies and what they would do to get even a sack of grain more than their neighbor sprung to mind:

I hate politics.

When it came to diplomacy, politicking was not Purple Heart’s forte, not by a severe margin. Oh, he could get by with a few words and be a mildly successful orator, but grand schemes? Convincing the masses along with keen-minded officials and members of royalty? Nope. Purple Heart operated on an, albeit more violent, but significantly less dangerous battlefield. And he was confident and comfortable there whereas in this ball room, he was paranoid and cautious. If he absolutely had to participate in politics, it was under somepony else’s trusted guidance, or not at all.

Twisting his muzzle into a grimace, Purple Heart made his way over to the buffet. Much of the gossip he had accidentally eavesdropped in on was complete and utter rubbish. As he considered the array of goodies before him, Purple Heart hoped that his compatriots had had better luck obtaining pertinent information.

On the plus side, his Gather Information skill was ridiculously high now.

A number of couples stood around the buffet table, filling up plates that sat on specifically designed racks on the backs of serving ponies. A lone mare garbed in an unnecessary amount of fabric looked up from the table and tittered when she noticed the smartly dressed purple earth pony.

“I say,” the ridiculously garbed mare huffed. “To who do you belong, hmm? Some lower lord? Are you a common servant?” Purple Heart flinched and tried to ignore the obvious error. He scrunched his eyes shut and began to recite a phrase to calm him down. It didn’t work.

This is gonna come back to bite me, I just know it.

“Whom,” Purple Heart corrected, placing a pastry into his mouth. The lady blinked in surprise, an act that shook the entirety of her headdress.

“Pardon?” she asked. “What did you say?”

“Whom,” Purple Heart repeated, not turning as he reached for another pastry. “The proper sentence should have been ‘to whom do you belong?’ Honestly, you’re a part of the aristocracy, you should know these things. Being able to speak correctly is required when sucking up to somepony.” He didn’t have to see the colored fan to know it was coming as it swung towards his face. With a dramatic swish, the fan breezed within inches of Purple Heart’s full cheeks.

“How dare you!” she screeched, silencing conversation in that part of the ballroom immediately. “You think yourself better than me?!”

Of course I do, the purple earth pony thought to himself. I’m not the one sagging under a veritable ton of fabric. I’m smart enough not to suffocate myself. He turned his head to the young mare, his eyes flat as he spoke aloud.

“I was merely making a suggestion,” he said aloud, so that the entire portion of the room could hear. “I meant no offense.”

“Yes you did, you cur!” the mare bawled. “I’m going to tell Father!” For a split second, fear reverberated through Purple Heart’s body before his mind cast it out. He watched as the mare fled, reminded of another blonde ponce who had an unhealthy love for their father. Purple Heart sighed. Thankfully, nopony confronted Purple Heart about the ordeal and merely ignored him, much to his silent gratitude. I’ve made a right mess of things. I tell my friends to be careful and then go make some poor mare cry. Well done, lad. Well done indeed.

He turned back to the buffet, snatched several more pastries and consumed them in record time, eliciting several cringes of disgust from some nearby party goers. He then absconded, seeking to find refuge from the wrath of the young mare’s father.

“Purple Heart!” a voice cried. The purple earth pony froze, swallowing quickly to relieve his cheeks of food. He knew that voice. He knew it too well unfortunately.

Why the bleeding carp is she he-

Cuz it’s HER ‘Welcome Party.’ Idiot. Purple Heart slowly turned and promptly gaped.

“Purple Heart!” Amber Glitter greeted, a bright smile etched into her face. The princess wore her mane up in a tight bun, leaving two thick strands of hair to frame her smiling face. Her tight dress was a deep red and complimented her gold coat in more ways than one. A ruby encrusted necklace ringed her throat and definitely succeeded in catching the eye. Purple Heart felt a flush rise to his cheeks as he gazed at the unicorn in awestruck silence. The mare frowned and cocked her head to one side.

“Purple Heart?” she asked. “Are you alright?” Jerking in surprise, Purple Heart blinked and looked around.

“Um, yeah,” he grunted, clearing his throat. “You look, uh… You look amazing.” Now it was Amber Glitter’s turn to flush. She pawed at the ground with a hoof and played with her mane.

“T-thank you,” she stammered. “You look very dashing in that suit.” Blushing even deeper, Purple Heart smiled weakly.

“Thank you,” he replied.

“What are you doing here?” Amber asked curiously. “I thought you wanted to keep a low profile for the time being.” With a shrug, Purple Heart gestured, offering to walk.

“Wits got a bit carried away with something and he got invites for us,” he answered, omitting the fact that the pinto had most likely snuck around the castle after escorting Amber and Opal. “Anyways, how are you?” Amber smiled brightly.

“I feel amazing!” she crowed cheerfully. “I forgot how much I enjoyed the parties and balls from my youth. I’ve been away for some time actually. Almost 12 years.” Purple Heart arched an eyebrow.

“How old were you when you left?”

“Six. My guardians sent me away for my safety.”

“Your guardians? Who are they? Can’t you remember anything about your parents?” Immediately, Purple Heart cursed his lack of tact. You just don’t ask lost princesses about their parents. It just isn’t done. Lucky for him, Amber didn’t notice his candor.

“I can’t remember. All that I can just seems vague and faded, as if the years dimmed their features.”

Purple Heart shifted uncomfortably. “Hmm. Shame. I-”

“There he is Father!” a voice interrupted. “He’s the one who insulted me!” All conversation ceased once more as all gathered watched the two couples in interest. With a sigh, Purple Heart turned to face the impudent mare and her father. His eyebrows rose as he looked at the stallion in question. The mare’s father was shorter than Purple Heart by far, but was also great deal wider. His copper coat was covered by priceless fabric and expensive finery that would surely make him topple if even a light breeze gusted by. His white mane was puffed and extravagantly waxed like his tail. A certain fat merchant came to Purple Heart’s mind as he gazed down at the blob of a stallion.

“I hear you verbally insulted my daughter,” the fat stallion mewed imperiously. “What have you to say for yourself?” Purple Heart choked as he tried to keep from laughing at the ridiculously unimpressive attempt at status change. What came out was a dry cough mixed with a snort. Amber frowned at the purple earth pony as she inclined her head respectfully to the stallion.

“Lord Heavy Wait,” Amber greeted. “A pleasure to meet you for the first time.” The lord blinked in surprise and seemingly noticed the princess for the first time.

“Your highness,” he bubbled. “It is an honor. I didn’t know you were back.” Amber Glitter twisted her muzzle into grimace as she watched the fat stallion posture. She turned and pulled the purple stallion beside her forward.

“Allow me to introduce you to Purple Heart, an adventurer,” Amber said. “He saved me and my friend while we were on our way back to the capital.” The royals assembled looked on the purple stallion with mixtures of interest and disgust. Purple Heart shifted uncomfortably under the variety of gazes. He didn’t exactly like being the center of attention. And the looks he was getting weren’t friendly. Not in the least. He cleared his throat, making those looks harden.

“Thanks for that,” he hissed aside, addressing the princess. “I feel really loved now.” Amber smiled, not catching the sarcasm.

“You’re welcome,” she said cheerfully. Purple Heart twisted his muzzle into a scowl.

“The adventurer,” Heavy Wait squeaked, “he insulted my daughter.” Amber and the other royals blinked in surprise.

“Did you?” she asked softly, looking to the purple earth pony. Purple Heart shifted under the princess’ gaze. The feeling he got from her was so much worse than that of the royals’. They knew nothing about him, aside from him being a dirty adventurer, but he was fine with that. They only cared about appearances. But Amber… She knew at least something about him. And her disappointed gaze was a great deal more painful. Yeesh, why do I have to like this mare? We aren’t even the same species.

“Weeeeell,” Purple Heart said, avoiding her question. Amber frowned.

“Purple Heart?” she ground out. The purple earth pony winced and hung his head in shame.

“I didn’t go out of my way to do it,” he defended, “but yeah, I guess I did.”

The princess’ eyes became sad and she looked away.

“You know what this means, right?” she murmured, not looking at the purple earth pony. Purple Heart shrugged.

“I die for the virtue of somepony I hardly know?” he suggested. Amber’s eyes flashed in annoyance.

“Of course no-” She paused. “Actually, yeah, you do.” Purple Heart snorted.

“Figures,” he sighed. “Is there any way I can get out of this? Fight to the death? Go on a quest? Pay absurd amounts of gold to make him forget about it?” Amber shook her head while some of the royals, including Heavy Wait and his daughter, scoffed derisively at the purple barbarian’s attempt at defusing the moment with humor.

“There’s nothing you can do,” the princess whispered, gesturing to something behind Purple Heart. “Guards, take him to the dungeon.” The purple earth pony blanched as he was pulled away by the guards, his eyes fixed on the satisfied expression Heavy Wait’s daughter wore. As he was pushed out of the ballroom, Purple Heart spotted Light Patch’s awestruck face in the crowd. Smiling weakly, Purple Heart waved an apology as he passed through the doorway leading to the dungeon. A thought crossed his mind followed swiftly by another.

Aw carp. Wits is gonna have a fit… I knew coming here was a bad idea. Being socially inept and all... His humor didn’t dim as the iron door of his cell clanged shut. But his enthusiasm did.

* * *

Barely minutes had passed before Light Patch found himself wall-flowering near the food tables. He’d circulated through the nobles for a bit, but he’d never been one for large gatherings; much preferring smaller ones with just good friends. And while he wasn’t going around the nobles, he was still doing his part. After all, even the bluest of blood nobles still gotta eat and drink. He was still managing to get his fair share of information.

And all of the goodies, from the spreads of the twelve or so tables set up. An impressive and highly varied array of pastries, small sandwiches, and other assorted dishes. He tended to avoid most the drinks, however, recognizing the smell of alcohol when he smelled it. He also got to have more than a few short conversations with the staff who, in a castle like this, would more often than not have more than one rumor about local going ons and happenings.

“Would you allow me access to the tables, your lordship?” an older stallion’s voice quipped. Light Patch whirled around to face a stern looking older stallion. “Unless you’re simply raiding them, in which case I’ll have to bring you to justice,” the blue grey stallion finished, a small grin maring his stern face.

“I suppose this bandit lord could show the starving masses a little mercy, and allow them access to his food,” Light Patch responded, stepping aside with a small but over exaggerated bow. The older stallion laughed as he grabbed a couple of pastries from the tables before sitting down next to Light Patch’s spot.

“The starving masses will appreciate the showing of mercy. It’s a shame none of them are here.” The stallion took a few bites of a pastry he’d grabbed from the tables. “Not one to find comfort in a party this big?” he asked, turning to look at the grey pegasus, “or is it the attendees that have you shying away?”

“I never was much of a party pony. If I was gonna have anything approaching a party, it’d be just a few friends of mine, and I just shootin the breeze; maybe playing some games. The stuff we’d do when we meet normally, just in the name of something bigger,” Light Patch responded, looking at a strange tasting pastry he’d tried. “Also, I figure if I mingle out there, it’d be only a short amount of time ‘til I’ve gotten myself thrown from a window for one thing or another.”

The older stallion’s laughter shook the punch in a near by bowl with its deep bass. “I would assume that as a pegasus, that shouldn’t concern you. Then again, you do have more gear than I’ve ever seen a pegasus normally carry.” The blue grey pegasus frowned as a thought struck him. “Yet, you don’t seem concerned about saying the wrong thing around me.”

“You’re not the same as them, though, that you started with a joke rather than ordering the obvious not noble me out of your way,” Light Patch said.

“You are correct in part. I am noble, but not nearly as highly ranked as most present. My lands consist of a small town and the hard mountainous terrain around it. It leaves me with plenty of time to minister to my town's legal needs,” the stallion said. “Not that there is a lot of that, even.”

“So why are you here at the party, rather than out there doing whatever you do?” the pegasus stallion asked.

“Even for our small town things have been slow, I came to try and garner some extra support for my town. I’ve also been spending my time assisting the local courts.” The earth pony stallion was interrupted by a larger noble cutting into the conversation.

“Talking to the commoners again, Just Duty? That's why so few nobles take you seriously. You don’t ever seem to take yourself all that seriously,” he said, ignoring the glare from the blue grey stallion as he trotted away with his food.

“Ignore him. He is simply sore that I ruled in favor of a commoner rather than him,” Just Duty responded before turning to look at the pegasus sitting next to him. “It would seem, however, you have a leg up on me however. You know my name, but I lack yours.”

“Light Patch: general healbot, and Holder of the Self Crit Stick,” the pegasus replied, giving his bow. He missed Duty’s raised eyebrow as the crit stick mention. “You’ve probably heard something about the group I’m with. Somepony’s probably been spreading what they’ve heard.”

“Yes, now that you mention it, I seem to recall rumors of a group that fell for the most obvious trap in the world. I also seem to recall something about a spider queen, or something along those lines.” The older pony’s face filled with a grin; a grin which bloomed into a full smile as he saw the annoyance in the youth next to him.

“You’re despicable,” Light Patch muttered, just catching a flash of mint green and butter yellow in his peripheral vision.

“And I’m also said to be overzealous in my duties, and harsh when it comes serving justice,” Duty finished. “Some ponies...” he hesitated, “no, this extends to all races. Some...”

“Beings? Sentients?”

“Beings will work,” Just Duty said, giving a small nod of appreciation. “Some beings will say anything to sway others. That is why you must be diligent in hunting for the truth.”

“Harsh justice huh?” Light Patch asked, snickering at the older stallions look of annoyance.

“I am known for being fair in my rulings, but harsh when it comes to wasted second chances. It is my duty to see justice done, and if I could stop criminals before they act,” the earth pony punctuated his remark with a stomp of his hoof, “I would, as most beings might.”

“What if you could go back to some point before a criminal committed their crime?” Light Patch said, looking at some kind of commotion brewing in the party. “Like say, back to before they even thought of the crime, would you punish them for the crime?”

Just Duty froze in thought, the gears turning in his head as he worked the question over in his mind. It was an interesting question; certainly impossible but philosophically and morally interesting. He finally opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by a near hysterical mare bounding up to Light Patch.

“Thank Celestia, I found some pony!” Twilight nearly raved as she grabbed the pegasus stallion. “I was too afraid to try anything when I saw it, and- and I couldn’t find anypony else! I don’t think anypony else saw it-” Her ranting was cut off when Light Patch hugged her.

“Calm down, Twilight. Deep breaths. You’re not able to help anypony by being this worked up,” the grey pegasus said.

“He is right, miss. I have had to fix many of my mistakes made when I too angry or worked up,” Just Duty added, causing Twilight to wheel around in surprise.

Light Patch motioned to the older earth pony. “Twilight Sparkle, meet Just Duty. Just Duty, meet Twilight Sparkle.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Twilight said, her voice still a little shaky but much calmer sounding now.
“And you as well, though it would have been nicer had it been under better circumstances,” the blue grey stallion said with nod. Twilight looked confused for a second before her reason to search for her friends came back to her. She quickly turned back to the pink and brown maned pegasus.

“It’s Purple Heart! He got himself arrested or something. I just caught sight of him being escorted out by a few guards!” she shouted. Light Patch squeezed his eyes shut. “What are we going to do? We can’t-” she was cut off as Light Patch grabbed her to stop her raving from starting again.

“We’re going to gather the others, find Amber, see what kind of trouble PH Balance is in—if any—and then figure out what we’ll do from there,” he said, giving a small smile when he saw Twilights resolve harden at having a plan. “Don’t worry about Fluttershy and Wits End; I think I saw them head out into the hallways. Fluttershy probably was getting stressed out, but didn’t want to be completely alone.” With a nod, she quickly trotted back into the party, heading towards where he could easily see Rainbow Dash hovering in the air over the party.

“I will go to the court and see if I can soften them up, if it’s needed at all,” Just Duty said, turning to Light Patch.

“Thank you. Hope we get to talk more later,” Light Patch said, giving a quick wave before heading towards where he thought he’d seen Team Herbal Butter. He didn’t notice Just Duty watching him disappear into the mass of ponies. With a shake of his head, the older stallion finished off his last pastry before getting up to head towards the royal courts. All along the walk, however, he couldn’t help but keep thinking about the final question Light Patch had asked. More specifically, is it really as impossible as I thought it was? the stallion thought, glancing at the horns of several guests he was passing.

Author's Note:

Authors: Purple Heart, Light Patch, Wits End

Comments

[Charedfirescale]

Well, there in hot water now

[Wind of the Skies]

ahh... the self crit stick. those are fun. especially when thhey got some real good momentum and smack you in the back of the head. i sahttered a steel bar like that. crappy steel, but it still got me the reputation of hardest head in the world.not official because i can't do that again and i've managed to coerce my friends to keep quite. but yeah light patch is not the only one who self crits. i've caught myself on fire' headbutted a steel bedpost, had part of a tree fall on me, and ran crotch first into a cart handle in the middle of the night. oh and ETC. for i am the self crit champion!

[Dravkwn]

Found it , read it , loved it and now following it.

[Reykan]

Minority report, if I'm remembering correctly. Are they guilty if they've yet to commit the crime?

[Luckyfanisaac]

“The princess is in another castle,” he dissolved into a muttered string of nonspecific almost-words before picking back up,