Chapter 51: Wits End is Dead, long live the End
Twilight sat by a loaded infirmary bed, flipping open a newspaper that had been delivered to the staff. Her eyes scanned over the headline: Royal Rumble, Shortened Fight for the Throne. I guess the news literally travels fast around here, she thought, reading through the rest of the article. Looks like everything is here. Bastion abdicating the throne to avoid answering for our accusations, Boomer’s entrance to claim the throne… Looks like we were only named as “Princess Glitter’s party of adventurers”, though.
She glanced over at the occupant of the bed next to her. A bandage was wrapped around the mint-colored unicorn’s head. Despite Boomer taking the brunt of the lightning bolt, Wits was still unconscious from the damage he’d taken. I guess magic-users need more time to heal than fighters like Purple Heart.
“How’s Mister Smart-Arse doing?” the purple barbarian asked as he trotted into the infirmary. He sat in the chair on the other side of Wits End’s bed, looking down at the bandage swaddled form.
“Well he’s breathing but he’s still out of it.” Light Patch said drowsily, having just been woken from his nap when the purple stallion entered the room.
“I’m starting to worry about him,” Twilight muttered. She turned toward Purple Heart. “I mean, when you got beaten up in your fight against Grim Hammer, you needed a magical item to wake up again. What if Wits needs something too?”
“I wouldn’t be too concerned,” Purple Heart assured. “Wizards are squishy by nature. Given some rest, he should be fine. His Constitution stat isn’t as high mine too. As for my not waking up, I dunno. Discord might’ve pulled that in the name of Plot.”
Twilight frowned. “Still, I feel like this is my fault. Even though it was Wits’ plan, it was still my Lighting Bolt that put him in this position.”
Purple Heart shrugged. “If you’re so worried about it, apologize profusely on bended knee. I’m certain he won’t hold a grudge. We’ve...erm, rough-housed together and sometimes, we hit a tender spot, usually on accident. He’ll hate you no more than he hates us.”
“Yeah, by some miracle we’re still friends, and he and I disagree on just about everything,” Light Patch said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “We've had such long conversations about all of the stuff you shouldn’t talk about if you wanna make and-or keep friends.”
“And what kind of things are you thinking of?” Wits End grumbled, one eye partially open.
Twilight jumped, tossing the newspaper aside. “You’re awake!”
“Hey, the mummy awakens,” Purple Heart chortled. “How do you feel, thunder britches?”
Wits pulled the bandages off, leaving only a few wraps around his forehead. “Like I was the beginning of a villain’s dramatic reveal before starting down the path of darkness. Did we beat Boomer?”
“Yeah, we beat him. You ate the cheerios,” the grey pegasus stallion responded, patting his friend on the shoulder and ignoring the look of confusion from Twilight..
Twilight sighed, nodding in agreement. “Don’t worry about that right now. How are you feeling?”
Wits End pulled himself up to lean against the headboard of the bed. “Fine.” The unicorn’s expression was uncharacteristically stern. “It takes more than lightning to take down a bull moose. Or, something like that.”
Twilight frowned. Something seemed off about him. “Wits End… do you know where you are?”
Wits raised an eyebrow. “I’m in the infirmary, where Purple Heart managed to landed his rump after every single one of his matches.” With a snort, Purple Heart looked over at one of the beds on the opposite wall. A plaque with his name inscribed upon it hung above one of the cots.
“They must think I’ll get injured more,” he mused. “Hopefully not. And why in the carp is the only medical ward in the Coliseum?”
“Can you think of anywhere else there’ll be more wounded ponies?” Twilight responded.
“Barracks,” the hefty earth pony muttered under his breath, shifting irritably in his chair.
The purple alicorn turned back to Wits End. “Do you know who I am?”
Wits scoffed. “How am I supposed to forget Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship?”
Twilight sighed. “I was worried that Lightning Bolt had done something to your brain.” She paused for a second. “Just… out of curiousity, do you know who you are?”
“Of course I do.”
Twilight’s shoulders relaxed. “That’s go-”
“I’m Dragonslayer Ornstallion, Captain of the Four Knights of Lord Glorious Dawn.”
Twilight blinked. “What.”
“Phfft!” Purple Heart sniggered. “C’mon Wits, she’s concerned. At least wait until you’re healed to pull her tail. Though I do admit, I had a suspicion you’d say something like that. Even if you hated that boss battle.”
“I don’t think you have enough equinanity to make that joke just yet dude,” Light Patch said, attempting to hold his laughter in. “Good to know everything is where it should be. Seriously though, how you feel?”
The mint-colored unicorn stared at the two stallions. “I’m always serious,” he said plainly. “Now, where is Artrotias the Abysstrotter? There is a task our Lord of Sunlight would have him handle in Hoovelacile.”
Twilight inched to the side, leaning over to Light Patch. “Is this normal?”
“No, usually he’d drop the facade after you’d call him out on it,” Light Patch whispered back.
After a moment, Twilight looked between Light Patch and Purple Heart before clearing her throat and addressing the mint pinto. “Wi- I mean, Ornstallion?” she said. “Do you mind if we, uh, talk? Alone? Just for a moment?”
The mint-colored stallion nodded, waving a hoof dismissively at them. “Go. I’ll await here for Executioner Smougallop.”
Twilight forced a smile. “Thank you.” She turned, grabbing the two other stallions by the scruff of their necks with her magic, pulling them to one side. “Something is wrong.”
“Okay, I gotta admit that’s a little disturbing,” Purple Heart said, feeling a little humiliated at being dragged along like a kitten. “He doesn’t usually go that far. Not unless he has good reason to. Can you put me down please? I feel like a kitten who scared its mother.” Twilight stifled a snicker, releasing her magical grip on the two colts.
“Okay, yeah, I think that bolt flipped switches that shouldn’t have been flipped,” Light Patch agreed. “Well, Twilight, you’re the magic pony princesses alicorn. Do you know any spells to fix this?”
Twilight shook her head. “Medical magic isn’t something I had to study that much. Definitely not brain trauma. I take it you don’t have anything for this either?”
“I used what I already had and expected it to work…” The grey pegasus stallion paused. “It obviously did not,” he added needlessly. “Well, assuming Discord is willing to play by some standard RPG amnesia tropes I can think of, one thing we can do is wait for a properly dramatic moment for him to remember in time to save us all.”
“I’d say obligatory memory trigger,” Purple Heart surmised. “But we probably won’t have time to wait for that. I think we should reconvene the entire party to discuss this. Or, you could try zapping him again. Until it makes him remember being Wits End, unicorn snark extraordinaire instead of hateful half of a ridiculous boss battle.”
“Again?” Twilight frowned. “Do you really think that would work?”
“It is another standard RPG trope—more of a comedic one, though—just keep hitting him with the lightning bolt till he remembers,” Light Patch said, shrugging.
Twilight thought for a moment. “Well, this is Discord we’re talking about…” She sighed. “I suppose the worst that can happen is that he has to recover again. Alright, I’ll try it.” She turned back to the infirmary bed, where the seated stallion had been spinning the rolled up newspaper like a spear. “Sorry about this, Wits.”
“What are you tal-”
If it was surprising to the nobility in the throne room when lightning dropped from the rafters, that surprise was nothing compared to what the infirmary staff experienced with the lowered ceiling. Wits End’s body spasmed, occasionally lighting up his skeleton in a cartoony manner. Finally, he went limp again. The Discord-alike’s voice followed the resulting thunderclap. “Wits End has been knocked unconscious. Again. Well done.”
Twilight turned back to Light Patch. “Heal him again, please.”
“Roight!” the pegasus said, jumping next to Wits’ bed before hitting him in the shoulder at the same time as he used a heal spell.
Several second passed in silence before the mint-colored stallion moved again. He groaned, pulling himself back up again. “Did anypony get the number of that truck?” he groaned, holding his head in his hooves.
“And now we find out if it worked,” the brown and pink maned pegasus said looking at the two purple ponies behind him, “I’m going to say a name and I want you to give me your honest reaction, okay?”
“Brace yourself,” Purple Heart whispered aside to Twilight. “This might get messy.”
“What do you mean?” the purple alicorn asked confusedly. Wits End spoke before Purple Heart could respond.
The stallion frowned. “I’m confused and terrified by what’s going on. Go for it.”
The pegasus backed up a bit, “Ornstallion.”
“Freakin’ Ornstallion and Smougallop!” Wits End practically exploded with rage, leaping to his hooves on the bed. “Moon-banished dash spear lunge carp, freakin’ butt stomps and lightning shootin’ every whichaway!” He held up a hoof, which was shaking angrily. “Three days! Three days it took to beat those two! Over fifty attempts! With jerks invading every time I tried to summon Saddleaire! Ran through every healing item I had in store, all of my pine resins, every freakin’-”
“I think he’s better,” Twilight mumbled staring wide eyed at the mint colored stallion as he continued to vent.
“You think?” Purple Heart muttered. “I haven’t heard a rant like that since the Great Doc Debacle in the Winter of ‘14.”
“Tell us how you really feel,” Light Patch quipped, using his final two healing spells until he recharged. “Feel better now that you’ve got that all out, and your mind back?”
Wits End was breathing heavily, his jaw clenched. Finally, he relaxed. “Sorry, what happened there? I blanked out for a second.” He looked over at the three other ponies. “So, did we beat that disappointment for a boss fight?”
“Cheerios were eaten, hero factories were filled, and experience was had,” Light Patch summed up.
“Good. After that planning, I should certainly hope so.” Wits End stepped off the bed, stretching his back in a manner similar to a cat. “Oh, Twilight! For some reason, I think I learned Lightning Bolt from when you hit me.” He thought for a moment. “Which is weird, ‘cause usually it takes a couple of hits for my Learning ability to get something.”
Twilight looked away, her mouth forming a thin line. “Y-yeah, that’s weird.” Purple Heart clapped his hooves together.
“Welp, now that you’ve got all your facilities in working order, why don’t we go deal with throne succession shenanigans?” he suggested. “We’re nearing the quest’s home stretch.”
“You could say,” Light Patch began as the four of them walked towards the room’s exit, “that it’s the final count down~” The stallion finished by starting to transition to song.
“I take it back,” Wits groaned. “I wanna be unconscious again.”
“Sorry, no can do, comrade,” Purple Heart said. “We need your brains to help with Amber’s claim. Maybe… They may still be somewhat toasty after your...shock therapy.”
Twilight used her magic to clamp the singing pegasus’ mouth shut. “If he can rant like he did, I suspect he’ll be just fine. Come on.”
* * *
It took them some time to get out of the infirmary as several of the nurses weren’t exactly confident in Light’s healing abilities and demanded that Wits remain until they themselves were certain of the minty colt’s health. Eventually, they managed to leave and made their way towards the castle, going at the pace of their slowest member. The court had taken a recess for an indeterminant amount of time, citing a request from Purple Heart on the grounds that Wits End was required for providing evidence and whatnot. In actuality, all the court needed to see was the Heritage Spell cast upon Amber Glitter. But Purple Heart and Light Patch wanted Wits present for the quest’s completion. Being unconscious caused a bit of a problem for that desire.
“So why isn’t Amber the empress of Roania yet?” Wits End asked as the four ponies made their way up the castle’s main steps towards the throne room. “If I were you, I’d’ve cast that heritage spell thing as soon as that pitiful boss battle was over with.”
“Being the nice pony that I am,” Purple Heart said, “I wanted you to be awake for the quest’s completion.”
“Ah,” Wits grunted, wheezing at the effort of climbing the stairs. “How... thoughtful of... you.”
“Yes, aren’t I just the epitome of kindness and virtue?” the purple earth pony snarked. Twilight choked back a laugh.
Light Patch just grunted. “And I’m the gosh darned tooth fairy,” the stallion quipped. “In all honesty though, we kind of just wanted you there in case something else goes wrong and we need another plan.”
“I feel so loved right now,” Wits End muttered. The group fell silent as they entered the throne room and made their way towards the rest of the Mane Six and Amber Glitter. The six mares were sitting around the throne, chatting in hushed tones amongst themselves. Several of the royals that had remained looked up at the newcomers’ entrance. The clopping of hooves on marble alerted Amber to the advancing ponies and she looked up. Upon recognizing the four ponies, her face split into a grin as she stood.
“Welcome back!” she called cheerily. “How is Mister End feeling?”
“I have a newfound sympathy for Frankenstallion,” Wits End replied dryly. “That aside, I believe we can finally settle this matter of succession.”
“Yes, I believe we can all finally see this issue settled,” Just Duty said, striding to stand in the front of the nobles along with Holdfast. “I believe, before we were so rudely interrupted, that your group was advocating for Amber to take the throne.”
Holdfast nodded. “Indeed. I have to wonder why you nine would go through all of the trouble of deposing Bastion only to suggest a minor noble take the throne in his place.” He gave a small bow to Amber Glitter. “No offence intended, of course.”
“None taken,” Amber replied amiably, her lips twitching as she looked at the Colt Trio. “I think they have a reason though, don’t you?”
“Of course,” Purple Heart piped up. “Given the choice, I personally would choose Amber as ruler of Gallopilli over Bastion or Boomer.”
“That’s a little biased don’t you think?” a royal commented from the crowd. “You are in a relationship with her, are you not?” Purple Heart flushed, nodding.
“Yeah, I guess that would make me seem biased, wouldn’t it?” he mused. “But I’m not totally biased. Let’s look at the track records for the other ponies with claims on this throne, shall we?
“Bastion was plotting to regain lost land. Now, I won’t fault him for wanting to expand his borders or enrich his citizens, heck, all rulers should have that mindset. But they shouldn’t go about doing it in the method Bastion did. War is never a good thing.”
“It never changes,” Wits offered solemnly; although the grin on his face was at odds with his tone. “Sorry. Continue.”
Purple Heart flashed a glare at his mint-colored compatriot before continuing. “War only breeds revenge. And revenge only becomes an endless circle of heartbreak and bloodshed. So yeah, I wouldn’t support Bastion.
“Moving on to Boomer. He kind of made his point just by showing up. I mean, attacking the entire ruling class just to get a stiff, uncomfortable looking chair? Stupid. So, I don’t condone Boomer’s actions. As for Amber Glitter...” The purple earth pony fell silent for a moment, considering his next words carefully. The ruling class watched expectantly, waiting for him to continue.
“Amber Glitter...is an unusual case,” Purple Heart said finally. “In my humble opinion, I don’t believe she has any grand designs on this country further than ruling justly and fairly. As for her claim, why don’t you case that heritage spell, Twilight?”
Twilight nodded. “Lords and ladies of Gallopilli.” She turned to Amber Glitter and leveled her horn at her. “I cast Heritage Spell on Amber Glitter.” The silver sparks rained on the princess once again, settling and rolling over her in waves. After a moment, the sparks flew back into the air, forming letters above her to spell out two names: Melee Glorious, and Vale Blossom
For the first time in many long years, surprise flooded Holdfast’s face. His jaw tightened, his mind spinning as he attempted to regain control. How? he wondered. How could I have missed this of all things? How could- His thoughts snapped into focus as he looked at Wits End, a smug smile spreading over the mint unicorn’s face as he watched the snow-colored stallion. “I see,” Holdfast said, forcing himself to unclench his jaw. “This certainly… changes some things.”
“It would certainly make for a much smoother transition between rulers to have a pony with such a strong legitimate claim to the throne become the next queen,” Just Duty noted. “Even the outside kingdoms will breath a small sigh of relief. Few like it when an unknown takes the throne.”
“Just so,” Purple Heart commented. “It’s lucky we found somepony we believe worthy of taking the throne. Especially after-” The purple stallion was cut off as Just Duty cleared his voice to interrupt.
“I am sorry to interrupt, but while you certainly wouldn’t be the first party of adventurers to play politics in a kingdom, as far as I know none of you are actually Gallopillian, and as such have very little claim to being entitled to influencing the politics in this kingdom,” Just Duty finished. “Please do carry on however.” Purple Heart arched an eyebrow as he went over what he had said.
“Welp, you’re right on the account that we don’t have much influence in the political arena,” the purple earth pony decided. “And if you’re referring to our ability to vote in Gallopilli, you’re absolutely right. We may not be able to vote on who gets to rule Gallopilli, but our task is already pretty much done. We brought Amber Glitter’s heritage into the light. That’s all we really needed to do.”
“Besides,” Wits End said, “the choice is obvious. Unless Bastion’s third cousin's brother’s wife’s step-niece’s great aunt,” he paused to breathe deeply,” twice removed shows up, your decision is between Amber Glitter, a proper member of the royal family, or somepony completely unrelated.” He shot another smug smile at Holdfast. “Sounds like an obvious choice to me, wouldn’t you agree?” The snow-colored stallion remained silent, as if he hadn’t heard the unicorn.
“So,” Purple Heart said. “How does one go about making Amber Glitter the Queen of Roania?”
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Oooo.... Bit of humour and a bit more politics. Nice chapter, but we are winding down to the end and I still don't know what's going to become of Purple and Amber's romance when the game wraps up... Also, you worried me with the chapter title. But it all worked out and Wit learned force lightn- I mean thundara.
Also, there are a few points in early paragraphs were the perspective jimmies between third and first person.
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Apologies. I missed a few thought italics while uploading the chapter. We write in google docs and copy+paste into the text box. Any italics, underlining, or bolding doesn't get carried over, so there are a few times when we miss a sentence that's supposed to be italicized or bolded. [PH]
You are either psychic or my life is full of coincidences. That commercial with final countdown came on right when light patch made that pun. On a side note I need wallpaper and plaster. Again.
Hey folks! Just incase you're following just this story and not the rest of this account, we've got a set of companion tales for Caverns & Cutie Marks now! Head on over to Caverns & Cutie Marks: Companion Stories to check them out! We're gonna be updating it with more stories as time goes on.
Some of them are kinda-sorta canon, some of them could be canon if you choose to believe so, and some of them are most certainly not canon in the slightest to the main story. In any case, it's more C&CM to read, if you're in to that sorta thing.
[Wits End's Author]
Ever since the DS references, I've been humming 'you died'
Took me a whole month and god knows how long....