BONUS: Alternate Version, Mostly Different
Sunset looked around the small room that Fluttershy’s family had graciously given her months ago, not long after the Fall Formal. Upon starting her new life, she opened up to her friends, if a little wary at first, and eventually admitted to living in a homeless shelter. While Fluttershy’s parents had been reluctant at first because of the way Sunset once treated Fluttershy, they let her into their home and for awhile actually treated her as one of the family. That all stopped a couple days ago.
Ever since the ‘Anon-A-Miss’ blog went live, Fluttershy refused to talk to her. And after explaining to her parents what happened, the older couple had started giving Sunset the cold shoulder as well. It had hurt, very badly, because Sunset had come to see them as her family. She had come to love them very much. Now she felt like an outcast, like she didn’t belong.
“Yer not welcome here, Sunset!” Applejack had told her, and though she didn’t mean this house, Sunset still felt as if she might as well meant that.
Even rainbow Dash had told her to, “Hey! Get out!” which added to the hurt Sunset had been feeling lately. Chipping away at her heart.
“How could you do this? After all we’ve been through together?” Rarity asked, disappointment filling her voice at the time of telling Sunset that. It hurt that they didn’t believe in Sunset after everything they had been through together.
Even Pinkie had jumped at the chance to turn her back from Sunset, accusing her by saying, “You secret stealer!”
As much as all of that hurt, nothing hurt more than what Fluttershy had told her. After all this time living under the same roof, living as if they were a family, the girl had told Sunset, “You’re not our friend!”
She wasn’t their friend, they didn’t want her to be. And by the way they were acting, they didn’t want her in their home either. Even after the girls who were really responsible for the blog admitted their fault, no one bothered to apologize to Sunset except for Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Applebloom for the part they played in hurting Sunset. If they really cared, they would have at least said they were sorry, but when it was obvious that it wasn’t going to happen as the girls talked to the younger girls, Sunset had walked out. She had come back here, she couldn’t really call it home anymore after tonight anyways.
Stuffing the last of her clothing in a duffel bag, the rest in her backpack with her school stuff, Sunset straightened up to take one last look around the room. For awhile it had given her hope of finally finding where she belonged. A hope that was as shattered as her heart.
“Sunset, can we talk?” Mrs. Shy asked, poking her head into the room. A loud gasp escaped her as her hands flew to her mouth in shock.
“Don’t worry, I’m leaving. I know I’m not wanted.” Sunset said softly, refusing to cry. She refused to let this woman see her tears after what happened.
“You can’t!” Mrs. Shy gasped out, stumbling into the room and collapsing in the chair at the desk as tears filled her eyes. “Please, I know we’ve been a little hard on you these last few days. I don’t want you to go though.”
“Look, you’ve been great, really. I know when I’m not wanted though, it happens enough as it is, I know the signs by now. I was stupid to think I finally found a family.” Sunset said, a few tears escaping as she realized what she just said. She never wanted to admit it out loud to them, that she loved them like a family and wanted to be a part of it. She was surprised when the woman surged out of the chair and captured her in a tight embrace crying.
“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. The girls told me what happened, that it wasn’t your fault! Please, I want you to stay so much! I’ve come to love you as a daughter. I really have.” Mrs. Shy sobbed, refusing to let go of Sunset as she started crying as well.
“Look, you don’t need me complicating your lives anymore than they already are. I was stupid to even accept the room here.” Sunset sniffed, “I’ll be fine, you don’t have to worry. I’ve survived on the street before, I can do it again.”
“No you won’t, I won’t let you go back to the streets.” Mrs. Shy hiccupped.
“Look, I know you feel responsible for me after letting me come here, but you aren’t. I’m a grown girl, more than capable of making it on my own.” Sunset sniffed.
“You shouldn’t have to.” Mr. Shy said as he walked into the room, a manila folder in his hand. “And you won’t either. If I have to, I’ll call the police and report you for running away. We love you young lady, but even we make mistakes. You were given a second chance before, please allow us just one chance to prove that we want you.”
“Look guys, I don’t know what to say.” Sunset said as she pulled away from Mrs. Shy and walked over to the other side of the room, crossing her arms as she leaned back against the wall. She couldn’t bring herself to look up at the older couple, there was just too much pain there at the moment. Even if a part of her wanted to grant them another chance, what proof did she have that they wouldn’t do the same thing again? “I really do appreciate this, but it is my choice. There is no way you can keep me here.”
“Actually, there is.” Mr. Shy proclaimed, stepping up to Sunset to hand her the folder he was carrying. “Do you remember those papers you signed a few weeks ago? Well, not all of them were bank papers for the account we opened for you.”
“Are these adoption papers?” Sunset asked, a little shocked as she went over the papers. There was now a birth certificate in her name, even if her age was a year off on it. There were court documents approving the adoption, as well as a social security number. It all looked completely legal.
“We were planning on giving them to you for Christmas.” Mrs. Fluttershy whispered, but Sunset heard her. They really wanted her as a daughter? Sunset wasn’t sure what came over her, but she threw herself at the couple, hugging them both while sobbing loudly. She couldn’t help smiling through her tears as they hugged her back, crying a little to.
“We do love you, Sunset Shimmer, please don’t think otherwise.” Mrs. Shy whispered, kissing the top of Sunset’s head.
“Thank you both.” Sunset hiccupped, noticing the girls crowding into the room as she looked over their shoulders.
“We wanted to say that we’re sorry to.” Rainbow Dash said. “We messed up, we were so not being good friends.”
“Yeah, we stole your smile.” Pinkie Pie sighed, her eyes misty. “We don’t want to steal your smile, we like seeing your smile.”
“Pinkie’s right, sugarcube. We really do luv yer smile, and yer friendship.” Applejack sniffed.
“Please, big sister, please don’t go!” Fluttershy sobbed out, throwing herself into a hug with Sunset and her, their parents. Sunset was only a few months older than Fluttershy, but something in her felt so good at being called that by the girl. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere.” Sunset whispered as she held Fluttershy, their parents hugging them, and soon everyone was sharing a group hug. Sunset couldn’t help musing that perhaps her heart was as broken as she thought as she felt warmth and love flowing over her, returning it in kind.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- scrounge · 2.4k words · 351 14 · 23k views
- Twilight Nightmare · 74k words · 445 23 · 15k views
- CoverArt · 24k words · 332 20 · 15k views
- Burning Sunset · 30k words · 382 17 · 20k views
- Twilight Nightmare · 6k words · 222 5 · 12k views
- SadisticFluttershy · 112k words · 373 44 · 17k views
- Frozen Feathers · 10k words · 282 20 · 19k views
- Star Blazer · 3.7k words · 240 22 · 20k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.21 seconds
Total duration
846 users online
1,021,285 hits today, 2,156,967 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, that was nice and fluffy. Though I'd expected the alternate ending to really earn that Dark tag. Thought that might've spiraled into Tragedy territory.
Truly brilliant. Thought of adding more chapters?
5396688
Maybe one with Sunset running into the Dazzlings? I can imagine a few ways it could go.
The Sirens could be all 'we outcast Equestrian villains have to stick together' and want to make friends and get along as their own little group.
The Dazzlings mock Sunset, saying how her trying to make amends was for nothing, and that even though she was the reason the Rainbooms won the Battle of the Bands, she was just a means to an end to them and making Sunset feel even worse.
They want Sunset to join them, not out of friendship, but as a way to get back at the Rainbooms and they all go back to their evil, scheming ways.
5398384 I was thinking more of a chapter where the rainbooms actually try and earn back at least some of the trust that was lost, and dealing with the guilt and shame of driving sunset (whom they were tasked with teaching friendship) to suicide.
Personally I'd love to see the 'friendship' report to twilight on this one, plus I'd love to see twilights reaction in general to this whole episode. I dare say she'd have 'words' with the rainbooms.
Plus it'd be nice to see how sunset eventually gets over this, after all suicidal tends cues don't just go away cause your mates said 'sorry' once. Gonna be a long way back for sunny after this, and the others have a lot of after care they need to provide
>sunshit shimmer in despair
Probably want to make that wasn't.
They adopted her without asking her if she wanted that beforehand? That feels too presumptious for me to get fluffy vibes off of it.
Again, lots of grammar issues, but cute stuff nonetheless. If you could clean up the grammar on both chapters, I feel like this would be much more enjoyable.
For this chapter specifically, though, it felt a little short. I feel like it could have added in some more arguing between Mr. and Mrs. Shy and Sunset. That conversation felt a little too quick.
Beautifully written for such a short story. 10/10 and fave
I'm going to cry in happiness.
I would LOVE to see you take the BONUS chapter and rewrite and expand it as a separate story. You could truly make something wonderful with such an interesting setup.
5414604
I agree that the ending scene at Sugarcube Corner was quite lacking. However, when I said 'actual ending,' I was referring to the last couple panels where it talked about family and such. That would have been a pretty great ending if the Sugarcube Corner scene had been handled properly. With this story in mind, that scene becomes pretty great.
There was an Equestria Girls holiday special?
5414776 I thought it was a bit rushed, but the principle concept of the ending was there. Remembering what someone would really do versus believing what they could have done was conveyed well enough, just could have been handled better.
This story on the other hand, while there is a logical progression of events, there are some problems in regards to... well execution. It's a bit too convenient the girls and Mr. Shy just show up, it takes away from the tension. Not to mention their's a bit too much focus on dialogue versus showing of emotions, so that it feels that every girl is taking a turn speaking. I mean yes they do need to speak, question is when and where. Eg. the scene could have been extended to the girls guiding sunset to their house and comforting her + revealing the homeless secret.
5396417 Thankies! Awesome that you find it adorable!
5396448 Actually I diid think about a third alternate for a few moments, but I really don't like writing tragedy a whole lot. I don't mind reading a good story with tragedy, but I prefer having a nice happy ending when possible after some angst and struggles. Also love fluff, so its awesome you liked the fluff part.
5396499 lol thankies, and I am thinking about writing a story based off the first chapter and fleshing it out a lot more. My brother really wants me to which is kind of funny usually I'm the one wishinghe'd write more to some of his stuff lol.
5397575 Sunset thanks you!
5398384 Hmmm, maybe using the Dazzlings in a chapter or two like that could be awesome. I think I'd make Sonata good though perhaps by the time it's over with.
5398418 There would be a lot of the girls trying to earn back Sunset's trust.
5398815 Sunset will get over it, she's awesome! lol
5399652 Thankies, I'lI fix it
5400505 Sorries you feel that way
5402947 Thankies, I share the computer with family though so it makes it hard to get a good chance to go over everything. Awesome that someone agrees with me that the comic end needed more though!
5402989 Sorries, I didn't have a lot of time to work on it, but w3anted it out before Christmas.
5403147 Awesome! Thankies so much!
5403528 it is, it really is lol
5405419 Glad it's in happiness lol
5406673 Thankies so much!
5414510 Seriusly debating both chapters getting expanded on
5414604 The comic would havebeen 120% more awesome with a betterending
5416146 yes its a comic special
5416178 thankies, awesome you liked it, the grammar is mostly becuse I have to share the computer and often times get rushed off it, sorries
5424285
Heya, a tip for the future: You can reply to all the comments at once. Just space them out by hitting 'Enter'
5424273
Like so.
Editors are your friends
5416764 sorries, didnt have enough time to actually do some of the stuff I wanted to in it since we were packing to visit family over holidays. Also why I have to answer comments quickly today because I have a very short amount of time. I am planning on fleshing it out n another story though and might actually tie the two chapters together somewhat later on in it.
5419545 You know what, I was upset at first, but its Christmas and I refuse to let you get o me. In fact, I'm going to take a page from 2 of my favorites characters and not let you tear me down while showing a bit of kindness with 2 words: Merry Christmas
sorry for the quick replies today everyone, im away from home and borrowing my brotehrs tab to check comments and emails. we will be returning home around the 1st though, most likely the 2, so hope everyone is having a Merry Christmas and has a Happy New Year!
5424257
Goh!
Amazing
The bonus chapter made me cry a bit. So here, have a fave :D
I love this.
This girl stole your fic.
Copied/pasted it and claimed it as her own fic.
You should do something about that don't you think right now?
Hmmm.
I just wonder about a third ending... Where sunset actually nearly dies or actually dies.
That would be a twist
5435478 I second this. ( I don't know why, but your pic of Sunset reminds me of a meerkat.)
5497939 I love meerkats :3
5497965 Well that worked out well, didn't it?
5501230 Unexpectedly so!
First of all, I want to say that I do understand what you were going for here, and it's really sweet, but...
This part of the story feels off. I'll try to explain why I feel that way. It's not just that they tricked her into being adopted, because I could almost excuse that as being a 'surprise' that Sunset could theoretically refuse by saying she was tricked. What is really disturbing is that Mr.Shy presents this as the way they can keep her there, implying that she does not have a choice in the matter. Like this legally makes Sunset their daughter, and they can prevent her from leaving because of it.
I honestly think that the story would improve if you removed that line. (and maybe change the first line into something that sounds less like a command, like "Actually, we were hoping we wouldn't have to.")
Just the adoption papers in and of themselves are already a massive heartwarming gesture. They don't need to be already signed and filed because ultimately all that means is the government knows about it. The papers are merely to make it official, but what is really important is meaning behind the gesture itself, that the Shy family already love her enough to consider her their daughter.
(I'd have read this story sooner, but I had a hard time finding the comic.
)
This is a good story; it touches on a topic that the original author of the comic was stupid for leaving out (I'm sure you can agree)...but do you know what would make it even better? A follow up with other characters.
I would LOVE to see more chapters follow the first one, each touching on more topics. 1st idea would be the part where the CMC learn (most likely by accident) what their actions almost made Sunset do to herself, and how they cope with the knowledge that they nearly drove someone to kill herself (which is actually considered murder in most countries, when one or more people are directly responsible for driving someone to suicide). 2nd idea is how the school as a whole reacts when they learn the truth, and how everyone who once mocked and laughed at the Mane 6 now deal with having their own secrets exposed.
5584707 someone uploaded the comic on youtube. Check this video out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-MMfsFt2NE
Love it. The one thing that bothers me that you probably don't know is that Sunset is actually at least a couple years older than fluttershy.