Applejack was out on the orchard going about her usual daily business. She is startled by some creature causing her to nearly break her leg. Unable to do anything for herself she reaches out to her friends for assistance. Unfortunately they are all wrapped up in their own affairs, all except for Spike. Applejack had always thought Spike was a respectable dragon with a good head on his shoulders, maybe more than she thought. Will she start to feel for the one of a kind dragon or will she drive her self to the edge to deny it.
Chapters (9)
this look intresting ceep up the good work man.
lance blazer
Already I can see:
• A miswording that's more than a typo (it's not "buidness", the correct term is business);
• A tense inconsistency (past tense in one part, present in the other);
• A lack-of-commas punctuation issue;
• Beige prose (rigid, robotic-ish transitions between actions, without any smoothness or flexibility at all, as if the reader is looking at a shopping list).
Just the two first lines already give all this away and turn a more demanding reader back and off this fic.
That should tell you something: you should really get some assistance before writing any more of this.
5340529
Where did u get your avatar pic?
5340555 Check my profile page, it's in one of the comments. Which, for the record, is where you ask those things, not on a completely unrelated story that belongs to someone else.
I'm not liking the way the paragraphs are but still I faved and like!
5340529 I had uploaded this from my phone the previous night so any errors were simply my aurocorrect acting up. I will take your comment into consideration though.
I like how things are going, can't wait to see them get beater.
Okay I need help getting continuing the momentum on this one so to speak. (I have writers block) Message me some ideas that'll help spark up some creativity on this one.
Please, continue, please.
5433427 I'll try to get it out before the end of the month
Moarrrrrrrr
Awesome
5576449 Thanks
Moar!
5576677 Okay okay there will be more
I really like the applespike paring keep it up my friend
I like this so much, but... I see complications.
...Rarity stared intently at Spike.
“Rarity?”
“Hm, oh yes of course, we will muscle through this together.” she said nervously.
5579470 You've a very watchful eye friend.
Not the biggest fan of Applespike, but this one is actually pretty good.
Awesome Chapter Man On The Moon! I hope the next chapter comes out soon. I can't wait to see what you do with Spike and Applejack.
Thank goodness, you didn't make an alicorn OC. Great chapter btw.
All the yes!
Lovely story. I'm usually not one to ship AJ, but I can certainly see how some chemistry could evolve between AJ & her sugarcube, given the futuristic setting.
Big Mac seems out of character given the state of the farm, which bugs the crap out of me. Yes, life moves on, but it feels off that he would take off from the farm so easily. Cheerilee, I presume, is still a teacher, so why can't Big Mac still be a farmer? Does he have other employment? It just seems like he is too absent from the life he grew up with with the show.
Also, I imagine Spike looks more akin to this now. Was Spike taking AJ to the hospital literal? I love the idea that he finally has dragon wings now!
4.bp.blogspot.com/-xlWXafnmNSU/TjSQjY2pDxI/AAAAAAAAJf0/RCMRbAzcpuY/s1600/39810+-+absurd_res+applejack+artist+crunchnugget+fluttershy+grow-up+pinkie_pie+rainbow_dash+rarity+spike+twilight_sparkle.png
5655156
Thank you! Yes Big Mac is highly out of character (Big Macintosh fans'll rip me apart) but that plays into my plan for this story. I'm glad that you like it, but I also like Kilala97's version of Spike.
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/365/e/4/spike_and_rarity_by_kilala97-d70aa28.jpg
5655195 Oh that definitely is a better portrayal of sugarcube
Go, AJ! Go!
Spike is going to be appled
Man I just read this again and.... I need to stop writing on my phone.
I'm curious...how long have you been writing?
5717017
Well, I usually read a lot. I started writing in November with my first story, “Rainbows in the Sky ”, so that was when I actually started.
Hmm...okay, finished up the latest chapter. I'll wait until I'm back home to post my thoughts. Look forward to it (if you wanna, that is).
Plz moreeeeeeee :'D
5717461
I'm all ears or eyes in this case.
This is so awesome. I can't wait to see what you have in store now.
Sorry for the text wall. I got a little carried away.
On the whole, I'm enjoying the main idea. Spike helps Applejack after she's injured, and the two grow closer across a period of time. Simple, effective, and not quite done to death just yet. However, just past that basic premise is your writing style and execution, both of which are in need of considerable work. I'm willing to look past small things, but not if they occur for two entire chapters.
Let me break down the impression I have...
PROs:
•The premise is nice and interesting.
•The pacing, as far as the passage of time between chapters/scenes, is good.
•Some research has been put into certain areas, such as medical terms.
•Foreshadowing with the main characters and minor characters (Applejack and Rarity respectively) is done well and leaves me eager.
All in all, great main ideas to move toward as you write. I particularly like the little detail where Spike figures out the method to help Applejack ignore her pain, but neither realize (yet) that it's because Applejack is focusing on Spike that she's able to ignore her pain at all. That alone is a fantastic little development that will carry you far, as long as you handle it correctly.
CONs:
•Paragraphs run for far too long. Breaking them up will make reading easier.
•Dialogue between characters is jumbled, static, and uninteresting.
•Punctuation is a giant mess, predominantly in chapters one and two.
•The story's own continuity and logic is askew.
The first three points are very self-explanatory, as you have already noticed those problems (judging by an earlier comment you made). The last one is a more complex issue, because it's easy to make but difficult to resolve.
Riddle me this: why does Applejack flee for her life in chapter one, yet she and the story goes out of their way to say that whatever threatened her never existed? Clearly something caught her attention and sparked her instinctual desire to run, yet she assumes it was nothing because she's too stunned at having broken her leg. Plus, it's weird how Applejack, the most down-to-earth pony in the show, automatically fears dying just because of a leg fracture. What's worse, both those points are made literally next to each other - Applejack herself thinks of them in the same sentence!
Why is Spike worried about books or working with them? I assume he's caught a job at a library, but no library has been mentioned in the story. We're left to assume that one has since been built, and that's plausible since the story takes places twelve years following the show's events. Regardless, there's no mention of one, so we're forced to assume he has just stumbled upon piles of books and has decided to take charge of them all. And yes, it's possible that Twilight has a library of her own inside her Castle Toy Set™...except that Twilight says that Spike doesn't visit her. Clearly he cannot be operating out of there. Something must exist to make his career choice possible, yet none is told nor shown.
Why is Applejack resigning herself to literally being pushed around, instead of doing what tasks she can to feel useful? As soon as she starts to realize these budding flowers for Spike's affection, she stops worrying about nearly anything that isn't related to bucking apples. Call me a traditionalist, but it would add much more character depth (and chapter length) if Applejack were shown doing smaller jobs, such as putting away dishes or sweeping while in her chair. Instead, she puts up very few, very small fights, and just lets her friends do what they like. It's not at all like the stubborn-as-ice Applejack we've come to know and love.
If this is the direction you plan to take your story, then more power to you. The story certainly isn't bad - I've read and written far worse. But it's also not yet good. You have fantastic ideas and are making strides to reach them, but those strides tend to make me as a reader stumble. There are simply too many inconsistencies for me to ignore, and it's distracting from the enjoyment of the story.
As of now, I'd rank this story as Average with a score of 5.75/10. There's still a lot of good to be done with this tale. It just isn't there yet.
~Leo
Nice to see there's hope for Applejack
I don't go running around looking for romance stories usually...but this has been enjoyable so far.
5750187 Thanks. I'm glad that you like it
Niceeee
Go get him, Aj. Go get him!
Oooooooh
I would love to Applejack's special somepony.... but it seems my buddy has it covered.
ok.... Two things: Grammar needs work and you gotta stop putting the punctuation after the quotation marks. Thats incorrect.
Also, Spike, you need to pay more attention to AJ. She need lovin here!
Rarity..... don't even think about it.
Wow, this is a really good chapter. Forget all the errors. This made me smile.
5896200 I'm glad that you've finally gotten around to reading, and you enjoy it. I will be going over the chapters though, spruce em' up a bit.
Intriguing, i wonder what that creature could have been. I wonder if it could have been Garble, since there where red eyes, and i don't know of any other characters with red eyes. Or maybe Applejack's just going nuts. Most likely the former.
All in all though, story is looking good
Story is continuing nicely and i like to think not to rushed or slow, just at the correct pace for full awesomeness.
5905498 Thank you
Hehehe, throwing the Aussie accent description in there was priceless! Couldn't really figure out the voice to make him in my head but throwing the accent in there with the comedic relief of the squirrel made me.....
Bust a Nut! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!