After the calamity that came of this year's Sisterhooves Social, Ms. Cheerilee asks her students to share their thoughts about what the event truly means to them.
{Spoilers Ahead!}
<---- Falco Judging your cringe
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The essay was not the only magnificent thing Cheerilee was talking about.
6494102
Oh my
Good for a thirty minute run, although I would suggest an editing pass as well.
It was great
6494302
Well I guess that's what happens in a speed write
I will go through and edit it myself
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Glad you like it
Man, I love being a big brother.
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You and me both
Let's dwell into this caven of a speedwrite, shall we?
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OH FUCK THAT HURT DON'T CRACK YOUR KNUCKLES!!!
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*AHEM*
First of all, the structure of the story itself. Of course, it's a one-off short story to be neat and cute. However, comma, with every story that needs worked on, it felt like the tone shifts back and forth occasionally. I can't say if you took the story seriously, because the entire premise looks rushed and quite frankly shoved out of the wood works.
The dialog wasn't painful to read, however, comma, it was the moments between the dialog that had me teetering on the verge of awkwardness. The story felt awkward, which is not supposed to be the case.
I find myself reading one lines between every character, and then suddenly a huge brick of text. My eyeballs weren't ready for the sudden impact, which honestly makes the story hard to read--if not hard to read, just an awkward turn to a rocky start to a very promising one-shot.
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I'll let it slide, but watch the dialog next time.
The next, the story itself.
Once upon a time...
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Okay, on a more serious note, I had no idea what was happening the entire time. This sort of story, with the specific elements you included, needs to have explanation, and a well written explanation at that. Otherwise, you're going to lose the attention of the reader because they're trying to figure out what the bloody hell they just read two 'paragraphs' in.
Details matter, they guide the reader, not just situational awareness. Even though this was speed-writing, as your comments suggest, it's a rookie mistake for writing. (I would know rookie mistakes) As I look into the story, I often find myself disengaged. It's tough to keep track of the situation because of the constant scene changes, and then this
It's a letter, but there's no indication of a letter! No italics (master of italics here!), no font change, nothing.
For grammar, I can't complain. You had a few fragments here and there, a couple run-ons, easy mistakes that I won't bother pointing out.
If I had to grade this story, you get four spikes out of ten. It's a promising idea with a thoughtful meaning, but the execution is done poorly. I would have rated lower if it wasn't for a speed write. I'm impressed, thirty minutes and that? That's skill.
But, yeah. This is one of those spur of the moment ideas that I usually do. One of my others, "What's Faster Light or Sound...?" Is my first and most successful. If you'd like to read it then by all means go ahead.
Indeed I like it
Short and sweet and a nice way to summarise the epsiode but could use a little more story development for a one-shot story.
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Thank you
I know that this is lacking in quite a few elements, but I wrote it in about half an hour. Thank you for the advice though