- Member Since 5th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 26th, 2023
LoneUnicornWriter
Just a person that reads, writes, and reviews stuff. Oh, and draws.
LoneUnicornWriter
Joined 5th Sep, 2013 ·
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.......That was... something else.Something good. So the story was good you left on a good cliffhanger which makes the readers wish to go further on, but what you must remember is you have to keep the tension going. If the second chapter is slow then chances are i'm not gonna read it. Anyways i'll start from the begging of this chapter to the end.
Spike was free for the night. He decided since hasn't been with Rarity for some time that he should spend the night with her.
This was a little rough at least for me maybe you could try and smooth it out like: Finally Spike had a night to himself. Twilight had found one of Starswirl the Bearded's ancient tomes and was so invested in the book she had no need of Spike. Without much to do Spike decided he hadn't seen Rarity in a long time and thought he should have a sleepover with her. I think this way the story could have a little more depth as to why Twilight would let Spike go on a night on the town. Moving on... wait whoops that was my bad I just noticed you had already added a reason to why Spike left. Hehe. Well you can use ^ if you want as an idea.
"Wow... the sky is looking beautiful tonight," he said looking up at the moon in the night sky. He however continued on to Rarity's place.
You could leave this but I just thought it sounded better like this: Walking down the quiet streets of Ponyville Spike looked up at Luna's moon in all its majesty and said "Wow... The sky looks beautiful tonight." Taking his eyes off of the moon he saw Rarity's Boutique in the distance and continued towards it. Moving on.
When got to the near shop, he noticed Rarity come out of her home, wearing a black transparent dress with a head wear the had a veil covering her face.
A few misplaced words here but it's all good, it should be: As Spike neared the shop he saw Rarity rather subtly come out of her home draped in a black transparent dress with a black veil over her face. I just think this sounds better, it helps the reader decipher what you wrote.
Without a thought, Spike dashed behind a nearby wooden box. He didn't want her to notice her. He then checked to make sure his purple jeans didn't catch any dirt. Spike didn't care much for jeans except for the fact that he had to pay for it, and he wasn't going to let it get dirty or have scratch marks after purchasing it only two days ago.
There's a couple things wrong here like the jeans part you can probably omit (Delete) that part so it should be: Without a thought, Spike dashed behind a nearby wooden box. Rarity was acting strange tonight, the clothing, the way she snuck around acting as if she didn't want to be seen. Maybe she didn't Spike thought as he saw Rarity began walking sneakily. After a while it looked as if she was heading towards the Everfree Forest. This only intrigued him more, as he saw her take one last look then enter the Forest. I think I got a little ahead of myself there, I shouldn't be trying to write new lines and for that i'm sorry.
"Why would she go into the Everfree at this time of night?"
He rose up from behind the box and followed her into the forest. Rarity was getting further and further away from his sight, and he was still struggling to get through some bushes and over thick logs that were broken in.
These are fine you can keep these just fix the second sentences like: Rarity was getting further and further away from his sight. Eventually he found his way into the forest and .due to the terrain he began struggling to get through some logs and bushes, but Spike pressed on determined to find out why Rarity was acting so suspicious. Almost getting to my favorite part. Almost there.
"Wow, she close these doors fairly quick,"
It should be: "Wow she closed those doors fairly quick." No need for a comma. :)
"Spike?"-Rarity removed the veil from over her face. "W-Whatever are you doing here?"
Should be: "Spike?" Rarity said removing the veil from her face. "W-whatever are you doing here?"
Spike looked at her face filled with trouble. "Rarity... I came to know what was going on with you coming all the way out here at almost midnight? I could see the trouble in your eyes." Spike looked down again, and Rarity had turned around and looked at the full moon
Must I say it?: Spike looked at her flawless face and saw a look of distress within. "Rarity... I came to find out what was wrong with you. Why were you acting so weird? Coming out here at midnight, wearing the getup. I could tell there was something bothering you." Spike said as he looked down once more trying his hardest not to look at the vixen before him, while Rarity responded by turning to the full moon. This is the build up to my favorite part. *Squee*
The sounds of the forest began filling the ears of them both.
Should be: The forest began harmonizing almost with its sounds filling the ears of Spike and Rarity.
Wooh, this can't be good, he thought
Should be: Whoa, this can't be good. He thought.
Her mane grew longer and began changing into a darker shade of purple, parts of her coat began changing from white to black, and her eyes were changing into reptilian eyes. Her transparent gown and the dark bikini she had below was torn asunder by the sudden expansion of her rump and chest.
For this part i'm gonna make it more fluent: Her mane began to grow longer and changed into a darker shade of purple, her coat changed from white to black, and her beautiful blue eyes soon turned into teal reptilian ones. The rest is fine (Not sure why I brought it down here.)
But as the winds had calmed and the smoke had disappeared, his eyes laid witness to the most beautiful forms he has ever seen.
Just gonna fix this: But as the winds settled and smoke cleared his eyes laid witness to the most beautiful form he had ever seen.
"Hmhmhm, looks like someone managed to tag along."
Fix: "Hmhmhm, looks like someone managed to tag along." She said as her lips show a lust filled smile. I'm gonna tell you now, everything below this part was great, prefect even.
Before Spike knew it, he had ended up within a room that were filled with many candles 'round about.
Fix: Before Spike knew it, he had ended up within a room with candles spread all around.
She chuckles and looks into Spike's eyes.
Fix: She chuckled and looked into Spike's eyes.
And that's all the errors I could find, so now it's time for my afterword. So all in all I love this story its so well written and thought out that I would actually favorite (And I don't favorite that many stories) you do have a few shortcomings like at the start which is where most of your problems stem from; mainly misplaced words and misspelled ones though. Other than that your golden. Now onto the actual clop parts. Your style of writing build up clop is the only build up clop that actually gave me a boner almost immediately, which is a good thing because that doesn't really happen when I read clop. So in the end you write very good clop and build up but your story telling at the start needs some work (Which is why i'm here.) So in my words just enact the fixes above and this will be a good story. So yeah, when your ready for the next chapter hit me up sincerely Ernest Wood.
I wonder since nigtmarity was made in a comic by HASBRO (I think) wouldn't that make her an actual mlp charecter?
... I suppose the next day Spike will have Twilight perform an exorcism (of sorts).
Damn, you need to proofread this, it's a mess of broken sentences, repeating sentences, weird dialogue
6310414
I'm going to agree with Zealoth here.... It's a bit... 'Broken' mate.... All in all- a good Premise. Nightmare Rarity isn't off Character- but Spike is just.... Out of whack.... He's just... Well- he's acting like he's not really THERE half the time. Ya know?
"wrapping his arms around her waste. " ew
6309462
You have a point, but then again, if they were gonna give some Easter Eggs to the show and comic, you would think that in the last episode we saw before the hiatus began, "Do Princess Dream of Magic Sheep?" would be the perfect idea to have Rarity have that form show up. But we have the Tantabus, and I think the Tantabus in the episode was their way of putting the ideas of Nightmare Rarity and still under the edict that the comics, the TV show, and the EG movies are all on different canons and that they cannot mix.
6310594 Oh god why!
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I do like the idea, but the execution could've been better. The dialogue in particular doesn't seem to flow well, and Spike seems to be...off so to say.
Yeah, good concept, just need to work of the execution somewhat. Problem seems to be pacing... not enough time to draw the people in... conversastion was a little stilted as well.
This tale should have a sequel to explore how Rarity feels about it, if she were to learn the truth ?
Besides it would be interesting to see Rarity retaining the memories of her Nightmare form and how she and Spike had sex. Wouldn't you agree with this ?
So please do keep up the good work upon such a great story.
The grammar and story telling were fine but your syntax was awful, a good number of your sentences were awkward and redundant. Send this back to your editor or get a second editor.
Super stilted.
Pretty nice description, though dialogue might need to be worked on a bit I think.
Its a pretty interesting concept of Nightmare Moon/Nightmare Rarity/Nightmare Forces still exists within Rarity like that and once a month comes out.
Wonder if there is anything going on with Luna while this is happening since she was a host to NMM as well.
Or reacting to the fact the Nightmare Forces still exist like that and this happened.
Would be fun to see.