• Published 26th Oct 2014
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My Twilight Facade - axelsempai

Suddenly, I'm Twilight Sparkle and I don't want to be here.

  • ...

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Bitch Griffins and Comic Book Puns

Finally, after nearly a week of straight reading, I have finished my book on Beginner's Magic for Unicorns. My brain was numb, my eyelids were heavy, and my heart was slowly turning black, but I've finally done it. At last, I have enough knowledge to begin casting more powerful spells! The only problem is that I don't actually know any additional spells. That was because this particular book was about the basics of magic, which only includes some information on spell components.

It didn't help that the book was filled with jargon that I had to translate into English. Wait, was I even speaking and thinking in English, or is this something my brain is translating for me in real-time? I shook my head, deciding not to think about it.

There were quite a few "schools" of magic. The school of abjuration, which focuses on wards and shields, conjuration, which focuses on the creation of objects, and so on. Of particular interest were the Divination and Transmutation schools. With the former, I'd be able to find the real Twilight and find some way to restore her back into this body, and the latter will let me become human again, as it is for the manipulation of an object's properties. These schools will do nicely for me.

Let's see, there was also information on dweomer sequences, which were made of dweomers, or glyphs. These specific sequences combine in particular orders to make different spells. Telekinesis is the easiest "spell", since all it requires is the caster's force of will. For any spell more powerful, at least three dweomer sequences are needed. The only exception to that is for one's specialty school, or a particular school of magic that one is abnormally good at. There are apparently some theories around for why that is, but no two unicorns can seem to agree on it. Suffice to say, they can only agree that each unicorn is abnormally powerful in certain schools of magic.

Also of interest was some info about magic itself. Apparently, it is tied to both the body and soul. Only creatures with a soul can cast spells, but they would also need a physical body from which to channel their power. So my idea of becoming a poltergeist and returning home like that was out of the question. I was going to need another body that could sustain itself. That means I would have to create a body from scratch and quickly insert my own soul, but that was going to be tricky. "Necromancy" was a forbidden school, anyway. Yeah, about that. If wizards want to cast lots of spells, then why invent entire branches of spells that no one is allowed to use? That's just dumb, even for wizards.

I sighed, feeling like I was trying to sprint uphill. It was made abundantly clear that I don't have the power to cast the spells I need right away. I don't know the spells that I need, and even if I did, such high-powered spells would only fizzle out without the appropriate amount of power behind it. The only way I was going to increase my spellcasting prowess was to... cast a lot of spells. I mean, sure, I was in the body of a trained magic user, but it was a real shame that spell-power comes from the soul, while the body is more like a conductor, funneling magic into a useful spell. That leaves me with one upsetting conclusion: I was stuck here for a long time, during which I'll need to do a lot of magic.

Great, at what point should I break down into a swearing mass of fur? I had so much that I needed to do, and little of it was worth looking forward to. I wonder how long I can unenthusiastically work on this project of mine without tiring myself out? Surely I wouldn't go insane by the end...

A knocking at the door caught my attention, drawing me from my gloomy thoughts. Weird, who could possibly be knocking? Surely they knew this was a public library? I opened the door, but found no one outside. I looked around, but no one was running away or even paying me any mind. At first, I was just going to shrug and go back inside, but the glare of reflecting sunlight caught my eyes from below. It was a single bit, the gold coin seemingly beckoning with its enticing shimmer. Now, how could I resist gold?

I tried to pick it up off my doorstep, but it was stuck. I tried grasping it harder, but that only made my hoof hurt. I tried again and again, but I always failed to my growing frustration. I was about to tell the coin where it could shove itself, but there was hysterical laughter coming from a nearby bush. I glared suspiciously at it. It was only then that I noticed a bottle of super-glue lying about halfway in the bush, where the pranksters were laughing at me. Judging by the giggles and guffaws, it must have been Pinkie and/or Rainbow Dash.

I smiled smugly at the bush. So they were pranking me, huh? I'll show them. I entered my house and returned with a trowel. I don't know where we got one or why we need one, but I was glad I had it for this very moment. With it, I pried the coin off the ground, and held it up for inspection. Yep, they used a real bit. I smiled victoriously at the bush. "My bit now, suckers." I faked a laugh as I walked inside. That was a nice distraction from my worries.

I flipped the bit onto a nearby table. Spike came downstairs at the sound of my laughter. "What was that all about?"

"Someone tried to prank me." I said, pointing at the bit. "Ha! The laugh's on them. I got their money!"

Spike sat on one of the steps. "So, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie got to you, huh? Yeah, they already got me. It was pretty funny, actually."

"So I take it Pinkie and Rainbow have been hanging out lately?"

Spike nodded. "They're causing all kinds of laughs, too. You know they painted all of the apple at Sweet Apple Acres into candy colors?"

I chuckled at that. "I bet that must have been quite a sight for Applejack."

I was about to grab a book off a shelf, but I stopped myself. With a reluctant eyeroll, I levitated the book instead. As I sat down with a spellbook, I failed to realize that Spike noticed my hesitation.

Among the list of spells that I read, quite a few were promising. Ignoring the fact that these were spells, I could think of a few that I could use every day. However, I decided to focus on self-defense for now. As peaceful as Equestria seems to me, self-defense is nearly useless, but I figured that I wasn't quite done dealing with monsters and the like. Ponyville sits on the edge of the Everfree Forest, and one of those beasts would wise up eventually and raid the poor town, since it lacks any kind of defense. That leaves me as the only one with the foresight and eventual capability to deal with whatever threats that might lurk nearby. The weakest and least destructive of the spells I was going to learn was a basic Sleep spell. Forcibly shutting a monster into an unconscious state? I was all over that. A sleeping creature was easy to beat up, after all.

With a quill in my hoof, I wrote down the dweomer sequences for the Sleep spell. Spike looked surprised at me, then narrowed his eyes in confusion. "You're writing using your hoof?"

I raised an eyebrow at the strange question. "Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to be over-reliant on my magic, so how else am I supposed to write things?"

Spike stared at me as if the answer was obvious. "...using your mouth?"

I stared back at him. It was weirder to use your hoof to write than using your mouth? Ugh, ponies. I shrugged at him. "Maybe I wanted to invent a new writing style?"

"Um, okay." Spike sat on the stairs with a comic book.

With a chuckle of victory, I returned to my spell list. Before I could either silently gloat at a successful bluff or try memorizing the Sleep spell, the front door slammed open. Pinkie entered the library with a pouty face. I sighed. Another distraction, just as I was making progress. I turned to her, hiding my indignation. "Oh, hello Pinkie. What can I do for you?"

"I just met the meanest griffin I've ever met in my entire life!" She screamed in complaint. She tilted her head in thought. "Wait, I've never met a griffin before today." She shook her head clear of thought. "But if I did, she wouldn't be as mean and grumpy as Gilda!"

I propped a foreleg on the table beside me. I felt as if I would need the extra stability if I was to talk to an angry Pinkie Pie. "I don't suppose you could slow down and explain yourself? Because I have no idea who 'Gilda' is."

Pinkie stared off into space with a seething expression. "Gilda is a griffin friend of Rainbow Dash. She's so mean! She keeps stealing away Dashie and telling me to buzz off!" Pinkie spun towards me to give me an intense glare. "I don't like her, Twilight. She even popped my balloons!" Pinkie pressed her face against mine, glaring directly into my mind. "Who wants to pop balloons!? What did they ever do to her!?"

I sat there for an uncomfortable moment with Pinkie's stare sending shivers up my spine. I pushed her slowly away, making her hooves skid along the floor. With some personal space attained, I found my voice. But that left me with what I had to say. Was Pinkie wanting my help with something, or did she just need to vent? With an internal sigh, I guessed the least I could do was play counselor. Again. "Somehow, I don't think Gilda is the one being problematic. Remember the introvert you met last week?"

Pinkie brightened slightly. "I remember meeting you, silly. Ooh, that reminds me. Have you gone outside recently?"

I rubbed my face, as if that would clear up my frustration. "While I suppose I can go outside for exercise at some point, that's not what we're discussing. Pinkie, you have trouble communicating with others who are less social than you are. You remember that stallion who gave a reserved reaction to one of those 'superly-delicious' muffins? You almost cried because you didn't understand how he reacts to things."

Pinkie looked confused. "But what does that have to do with Gilda?"

"I think you might be over-reacting to Gilda. Much like your reaction to the guy from Sugarcube Corner, you are perceiving Gilda as 'grumpy' and 'mean' when she's just being herself."

Pinkie was stammering in anger at this point. "But... but... she keeps taking Dashie away!"

I didn't miss a beat. "That leads me to my biggest point. If Gilda is a friend of Rainbow's, then it's only natural that she would spend time with her. The fact that they are spending more time with each other than with you, while sad I admit, does not mean they are actively trying to hurt you. Because you can't see that, I'm afraid you're just being jealous."

Spike spoke up. "Green with envy. Or in this case, pink with envy."

I cringed. "Spike, for the love of God. Please don't pun." Spike crossed his arms indignantly.

"J-j-jealous? But what about the balloons?" Pinkie demanded.

I shrugged. "What can I say? They make a satisfying popping noise."

Pinkie made a few false starts, always stopping before she spoke a full word in protest. She gave up with an angry groan, and stormed out of the library. I closed the door behind her with my magic. With her gone, Spike approached me to argue. "What's wrong with my puns?"

"Puns are cheap. Playing around with words and their meanings doesn't make you clever, in just shows that you understand the English language." I explained.

"English? But we're speaking Equestrian!" Spike argued.

Damn it! I knew I was speaking a different language! I waved a hoof dismissively. "Whatever. The point is, they aren't really funny."

"But you laughed at the puns in my comics." He pointed out.

"Yeah, because it's absurd when a group of superheroes starts punning away in a battle against mummies and insane hair-stylists."

"Oh come on. Does that really make it funny?"

"Yes. It's humor in absurdity, and I love it."

"So your maniacal laughter from the comics was because you thought it was ridiculous?"

"You know what they say: 'Our lot loves the lavishly ludicrous'."

"So... you like comics because they are weird?"

I scratched my chin in thought. "Yeah, that about sums it up."

"That's pretty weird for you, Twilight."

"What do you mean?"

"Hoofster's dictionary defines absurd as 'utterly illogical'. I just didn't think you would like that kind of thing, since you like logic so much."

I did not expect such a reasonable observation from Spike. I was especially impressed that he had a reference. "Well, it's sometimes nice to let go of reality and just enjoy things."

Judging by his startled reaction, Spike was not expecting me to say that. "You just 'let go of reality'? How... un-Twilight of you."

Aw, shit. Figures I would be stuck in the body of someone who's "all logical, all the time". I might be good at lying, but there's no way I could pretend to be as skeptical and un-fun as that.

Before I could worry too much about it, there was a knock on the door. Again, with the knocking! You can come right in! I telekinetically opened the door from where I was, and Pinkie hopped in with a burst of confetti. "Twilight! Twilight! I'm throwing a party, and you're invited!"

"Already? But you just left," I glanced over at the clock to confirm the time. "Five minutes ago!"

"Well, yeah. But I decided that I would throw a party for Gilda, just like you suggested!"

I tilted my head at that. "I didn't suggest a party or anything... oh to hell with it. Will there be beer?"

Pinkie stopped and stared at me. "Twilight, I don't know what beer is."

My eyes widened with shock, and my eyes drifted to the floor. "Oh God..." No beer? No booze? I'm not in Equestria, I'm in hell!

Pinkie held a hoof to my shoulder. "Will you be okay?" I nodded. "Will you come to the party?" I nodded again. Pinkie bounced back into chipper spirits. "Okie-Dokie! See you tomorrow at noon!" She trotted out of the library. I closed the door behind her again.

"What is beer?" Spike asked.

"Uh, it's a kind of juice that make your brain feel funny."

Spike raised an eyebrow at me. "That doesn't sound good."

I shrugged. "It's not, it just..." I stopped, just now remembering that Spike was a baby dragon. "Yeah, just don't drink it. It makes you temporarily dumb."

Spike gave me another Look, this time for a different reason.

The next day, Spike and I went to Sugarcube Corner for the party. As expected, ponies were already piling in for a bash, and Pinkie was greeting everyone at the door. You know, it was interesting how the Cakes let Pinkie throw parties in their store. Kinda makes me wonder if they charge for catering at these things.

As for the decorations, what else was there to expect? It was Sugarcube Corner with a few more streamers. There was a cake, a bowl of candy, a punch bowl, and a few juvenile party games around the room. The location of everything was excellent, as no matter where you were in the room, there was something to do. If there was one thing Pinkie knew, it was parties.

Most of my friends were already inside. Applejack and Rarity were having a talk about Gilda, but I noticed Fluttershy was standing alone in the back. I approached her, but when she noticed me coming, she lowered her head and tried to hide behind her mane again. I rolled my eyes at the display. "Hello, Fluttershy. I trust you're doing well."

"Um... I suppose so."

I held back a sigh, which I doubted would help my case with the poor girl. "So, have you met Gilda, yet?" Fluttershy weakly nodded. "Okay, what's she like?"

"She's, um... loud. And aggressive. You might like her."

Well, that was good to know. We're talking about a friend of Rainbow's so she had to be similar. My only problem so far was that Fluttershy was being annoyingly quiet. Having to strain myself just to have a conversation was getting on my nerves. Luckily, Fluttershy walked over to Pinkie to ask about the party. That spared me from having to make some kind of excuse, so I was free to mingle to my heart's content. Unfortunately, I wanted some booze. I settled on punch instead.

To my shock, when I poured some punch in a cup, it spilled right out the bottom. That's weird, there was a hole in the cup. I looked around to make sure no one saw me do that (they didn't) and replaced the cup where I found it. I was just going to let someone else fall for that. Finding a cup without any holes, I scooped out some punch and downed it. There, I felt better. Time to meet someone new.

By that time, the one I assumed was Gilda showed up with Rainbow Dash. I was unsure what I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting an actual griffin. I thought griffin meant some kind of title or something. No, here was a lion/bird right in front of us, wearing the fakest of smiles. I ignored that awful smile of hers, and approached her to introduce myself.

"Hello, you must Gilda. I'm Twilight." I held out a hoof for a handshake, but to my surprise, she inspected my hoof. I couldn't help but think that I missed something.

"Uh huh, yeah. Hi." She said unenthusiastically.

I'd need to say something to break the ice. She wasn't too receptive of me, yet. "So, you're a griffin. That's cool. I never thought I'd see someone so... metal."

Gilda raised an eyebrow at me, surprised. "Wait, you listen to griffin speed metal?"

Griffin speed metal? Oh, holy shit, that's awesome. "I do now."

Gilda elbowed Rainbow Dash. "Well Dash, it looks like you have some cool friends, after all."

Apparently, I was the only one who caught on to that emphasis on "some", because Rainbow just smiled. "Told ya they were awesome. Come on, the rest of them are over there." Rainbow walked towards the rest of our friends.

I went to follow Rainbow, but I noticed that Gilda stayed behind. I turned to see what the problem was, only to see her glaring at Pinkie. It seemed to me that she was warning Pinkie, while Pinkie was just smiling away like usual. Whatever was going on, it couldn't be that bad if Pinkie was smiling.

As if to prove that nothing was wrong, Pinkie raised her voice for an announcement. "Everyone, I'd like you all to meet Gilda, a long-time, dear friend of Rainbow Dash. Let's honor her and welcome her to Ponyville."

The ponies cheered in response, and went back to partying. I had to say, they were all dedicated to this party. Pinkie offered the bowl of candy to Gilda, who initially reacted favorably upon noticing that they were "vanilla lemon drops". I think that sounds nasty, but I was going to reserve my judgement. Well, I was until Gilda breathed fire. I was unfamiliar with that particular griffin ability. Well, I thought it was a griffin thing, until she ran over to the punch bowl to rigorously quench her thirst. Unfortunately for her, she picked up the dribble glass that I tried using earlier. Laughter filled the room as she finally decided to dunk her head into the punch-bowl.

Pinkie giggled. "Well, whaddya know, pepper in the vanilla lemon drops, and the punch served in a dribble glass." Ah, I get it now. Interesting how she chained those pranks together, like that.

Gilda glared at Pinkie for a moment, but Rainbow called her attention to a pile of gifts meant for her. I was ashamed to admit that I only realized at that moment those presents were there. They weren't even hidden, they were sitting there all gaudy and attention-grabbing. I instantly felt better about myself when Gilda tried to open a can, only for a bunch of snakes to jump in her face.

With as fast as Gilda was tripping into these pranks, this party was escalating quickly. Gilda was quickly losing interest in the various party activities, but I couldn't blame her. After that pepper, the dribble glass, and the snakes, this was one unlucky party. Gilda looked like she was about to lose it, but Pinkie said something that cooled her down. She announced "Cake Time".

Spike was the most eager out of all of us. "Can I blow out the candles?"

I gave him a one-armed shrug. "That's up to Gilda, since she's the guest of honor."

Gilda roughly elbowed Spike in his face, sending him to the floor. "No way, twerp. They're mine."

I looked down at Spike (who was fine, despite the blow), then glared up at Gilda. "Hey, you just hit my brother."

Gilda turned to me with disinterest. "Whatever, he was in my way."

My glare intensified. "Hey, bitch-twister. I said that you hit my brother."

She returned my glare. "So what? He's fine!"

"That doesn't matter, you don't just hit people for no reason!"

"Oh yeah? Why not?"

I groaned. "Isn't it obvious? Because it's not nice!"

Gilda fake-whined at me. "It's not nice. You sound like a total dweeb."

I grimaced. "Okay, that's it! Time to adopt my old pacifism-is-for-pussies approach. You'd better apologize before I kick your ass!"

Gilda was about to retort, but Rainbow got between us and silenced her. "Whoa whoa, let's calm down! I don't want my friends to start fighting."

"She started it." Gilda said.

"Fuck you." I spat.

"Hey, calm down." Rainbow said, trying to console me. She turned to Gilda. "Look, G, hitting ponies is not cool. I think you should apologize."

"No way, she said some gnarly things to me, and I'm not about to say that I'm sorry." Gilda declared.

"Well, if you say you're sorry, then I'll say I'm sorry. How about that?" I proposed.

"You first."

"Not unless you want a splintered broom-stick up your ass, I won't."

"Geez Twilight, chill!" Rainbow nearly yelled. "Just for that, I think you should apologize first."

I groaned. "Okay, for you, Rainbow." I looked up at Gilda, my eyes narrowing slightly. "I'm sorry I said rude things to you."

Rainbow nodded and turned to Gilda. "How about you, Gilda?"

Gilda glared at me. "I said I wasn't going to apologize, and I won't."

Rainbow wasn't very happy about that. "Gilda, I want you to apologize."

Gilda leveled her glare on Rainbow, now. "Why? She shouldn't get my apology!"

"Because she's my friend." Rainbow asserted. "And I want you two to get along. So, how about it?"

Gilda glared at me, and looked back at Rainbow. "No. No way. You can't ask me that."

"Why not? I mean, you did hit Spike. You should apologize."

Gilda growled. "Fine. I'm sorry." That sounded even less believable than my apology.

Rainbow nodded, not noticing that Gilda was anything but sorry. "There. No more fighting, alright?"

Gilda and I both agreed to a temporary ceasefire. That didn't keep us from glaring daggers at each other. "You'd better blow out those candles." I said, reminding her of the cake. "I know how much you like to blow."

Gilda's expression was lethal, but she let it go since Rainbow was still there. I was just glad that Rainbow didn't catch on to my insult. She blew out the candles, which was a bittersweet action for her at the time. After all, I was chuckling at her lack of resistance, and I can only imagine it was irritating. Even worse was when the candles just lit back up. I, of course, laughed my ass off. Gilda got flustered, trying time and again to blow out the candles. Everyone else joined in on my laughter (which became mocking by then).

Gilda roared, silencing everyone. "That's it! I've had enough of this lame-ass party!" I was practically giddy, since I was a definite factor in making her pick up swearing. Gilda aggressively pulled Pinkie by the mane, and held her face to face. "YOU! You set up all those pranks for me!" It looked like Gilda had lost it. She raised a talon to the air.

I punched her in the face. The surprise of the blow sent her tumbling on the floor, allowing Pinkie to escape the hold. The room went deathly silent. "Keep your whore talons off my friends, chicken strips." I growled.

Gilda growled in response, and she leaped at me. She tackled me, trying to scratch me with her talons, but I held them back with my hooves. I pushed as hard as I could, but my frail body was no match for a griffin's strength. Her talons were just centimeters away, and I had to do something to prevent them from connecting. So I headbutt her. Sure, it gave me a headache, but it disoriented Gilda, allowing me to throw her off and stand back up.

It was such a shame that I hadn't memorized the Sleep spell, yet. This would have been the perfect time for practice. I cleared my head of pain the best I could, giving Gilda the time necessary to get back up and stare me down. She grabbed a chair and threw it at me. I didn't have the time to react, so it smashed into my face, breaking apart. I fell to the floor from the force of the attack, and Gilda took this chance to leap at me once more. However, before she could reach me, she was intercepted by a rainbow blur.

Gilda and Rainbow Dash came to a stop on the floor. "Stop it, Gilda!" Rainbow cried. "Stop fighting!"

"She's asking for it!" Gilda yelled. "Between her and that pink bitch's dumbass pranks, they deserve a thrashing!"

"...Those were my pranks." Rainbow revealed. "Those 'dumbass pranks' were all me."

That stopped Gilda's rage in a heartbeat, replacing it with sheepish excuses. "Heh heh, you're kidding, right? You're pranks would be a lot cooler than that."

I couldn't really tell from were I was getting up, but I would think Rainbow was leveling a glare on Gilda. "You know, I wasn't trying to get you with all the pranks. It was just dumb luck that you hit them all. And you didn't need any help to upset Twilight when you hit Spike like that. Then you threatened Pinkie for my pranks! The one who's asking for it is you!"

Gilda pushed off Rainbow and flared up. "WHAT!? Since when did Rainbow Dash get so lame? I was your best friend since flight camp, and you're taking their side?" Gilda huffed and stomped to the door. "That's it, I'm leaving. When you're done being a... filp-flop, give me a call." With that, she flew away.

Rainbow shook her head, and turned to me. "Are you okay?"

"Hmph. If I had another minute, I would have had her on the ropes." I boasted. Rainbow smiled slightly, obviously torn on what happened. I sighed and put a hoof on her shoulder. "Look, I'm sorry I picked a fight with your friend."

"Nah, it's okay. She was being a feather-brain."

"Yeah, what a party-pooper." Spike agreed.

I grunted. "I feel there is a difference between being a party-pooper, and being a total bitch."

"Language." Rarity chided.

I sighed. "Sorry." I turned to Pinkie. "Turns out you were right. Gilda was bad news."

"I knew it! No one destroys my pedal-chopper unless they're a serious grump!" She smiled.

Wait, Gilda destroyed a what? Before I could get an answer, Rainbow spoke. "Sorry about that, Pinkie. I just didn't expect her to be that way."

"That's okay." Pinkie said. "If you want to hang out with grumps, that's your business."

Rainbow gave her a warm smile. "I'd rather hang out with you."

The two shook on it, but they got each other with buzzers. They laughed it off alongside everyone else. Considering my cool reaction to what happened, most ponies in the room just forgot about Gilda even being there and decided to continue the party. They just danced and played without any regard for the earlier conflict.

Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie all asked to make sure I was okay (since I had a bruise on my face). I waved away their worries with a "this will look cool later", and they left it at that. Spike however, was clearly more worried than they were. "Hey Twilight, about that fight. Did you really have to fight her over me?"

I smiled and pat him on the head. "Don't worry yourself over me, Spike. Whether it's some griffin or a giant monster, no one fucks with my friends and family. I'll make sure of that."

Spike was torn between giving me a Look, and being appreciative of my defensiveness. He shook his head and hugged me in thanks. I returned the hug with one arm, and we continued with the party as if nothing had happened. I was glad that no one was letting that fight keep them down.

Strange, I could have sworn that Fluttershy was here earlier...

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