• Published 26th Oct 2014
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My Twilight Facade - axelsempai

Suddenly, I'm Twilight Sparkle and I don't want to be here.

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Confectionary Confusion

I wasn't bothering to pack anything before leaving. What could I possibly need to bring with me? It's not like the library will be locked up behind me. No, this little distraction at the bakery would be a simple affair. I'd just bake a few treats with Pinkie, and leave whenever we finish. No problem.

I stepped up to the library's front door, and called out to Spike. "I'm leaving for Sugarcube Corner! Think you'll be alright on your own for a while?"

Spike stepped out of the kitchen. "Yeah, but why are you going to Sugarcube Corner? Surely it won't take you that long to buy a few cupcakes."

"Actually, I was going to help Pinkie run the store. I'm going to be baking with her today."

Spike winced, as if I just said something painful. "Are you sure about that?"

I gave him a confused look. "What's wrong with that? I'm just going to be baking a few things, it's not that hard."

"Twi, no offense, but you somehow turn cooking into a disaster."

I couldn't help but notice that he didn't use my full name. Maybe my relaxed attitude was rubbing off on him. Anyway, he was dissing my culinary skills? I know I'm not much of a chef, but I can follow directions easily enough. "Relax, Spike." I assured. "I'm going to be working with the master. I'm sure everything will be fine."

"You cooked spaghetti into a single fried mass that tasted like dirt. I don't think a little help from Pinkie will change much."

Okay, how do you screw up spaghetti that badly? Now I'm genuinely interested in what my persona was up to before I came around. Still, I wasn't about to let Spike worry about this, so I decided to show him how confident I was. "Well, five bits says I got better since then."

Spike gave me another one of those looks. "You didn't get any practice since then."

"Sure I have." I tried lying. "You just weren't looking."

"That was two weeks ago."

Oh. "...I learned from the experience."

Spike still wasn't sold on it. "Are you sure you can't find somepony else to help her?"

I opened the door without taking my eyes off of Spike. "I'm going."

"Good luck. You'll need it."

I rolled my eyes at him and left. With the door shut behind me, I lightly walked to Sugarcube Corner. I'd show him. I'm gonna be an adequate baker, so in his face!

Then again, he seemed awfully insistent that I'd find a way to screw this up. He'd be expecting some kind of newsworthy disaster from my mere involvement. If Spike was right about how awful the real Twilight was at cooking, then it would be strange if nothing happened. The way I see it, Spike already knows something weird is going on. The rate at which he gives me looks is increasing, which means he's noticing all of the differences in my behavior and Twilight's. Considering how strange I seem to him, perhaps it was in my best interest to intentionally botch these confections and at least buy myself some time.

But what about Pinkie? She was very excited about opening Sugarcube Corner on her own, and it seemed she wanted to make a good first impression. If I botched these goods on her, then that would definitely hurt Pinkie. Okay, so I wouldn't be "harming" her, so no foul, right? After all, anything could happen in a bakery, and a few mistakes could be easily attributed to my lack of experience.

Both options were enticing to me in some way. Sabotage my efforts in the bakery, and Spike's expectations are met and he'll still think I'm the real Twilight for a little while longer. If I help Pinkie correctly, then she'll be grateful and happy.

I was tempted to do the former, but I couldn't forget about yesterday. Wasn't this the kind of thing that Applejack was talking about? Taking the easy way out at the expense of my friends? At what point would I have to admit that I'm manipulating my friends for personal gain? I had to stand resolute now and draw the line. I may not be able to tell them the truth about myself, but I must still give them my best effort. The least I could do was my honest best to help Pinkie with a few cookies.

With my decision made, I arrived at Sugarcube Corner. The gingerbread building dared me inside, and I couldn't resist. The inside was devoid of ponies and treats. In fact, the only thing in here besides the counter was the service bell. I looked around, looked in the kitchen, looked up the stairs, but I saw no one. Strange, unless Pinkie was using the restroom further up the stairs, then why wasn't she here to greet me?

I stared at the service bell for a few moments. I've never rung one before, even when I saw them back home. I looked around the room, confirming it was empty before turning back to the bell. Aw hell, let's ring it!


"Hey, Twilight!"

The sudden greeting from just beside my head startled me. I spun to face the speaker, Pinkie Pie, with a shocked and confused exclamation. "Jesus Christ, Pinkie!"

Pinkie shook her head disapprovingly at me, clicking her tongue. "Now now, Twilight, you really shouldn't be taking your lord and savior's name in vain like that."

The shock and confusion deepened. "Wait, you know Jesus?"


I tilted my head, for that was the only way to further display my confusion. "Then how did you know he was my lord and savior?"

"I didn't."

For I don't know how long, I just stared at Pinkie. I didn't have words for how nonsensical she was being. Fortunately, Pinkie didn't understand just how weird she was, and was able to think clearly enough for the both of us. "Whatta ya say, Twilight? Ready for some baking goodness?"

I nodded dumbly.

She lead me into the kitchen, where we found a table in the center of the room in front of an oven and an assortment of cabinets. She pulled out a few bowls and pans. "Alrighty! I'll get the eggs and sugar! Could you get the chocolate chips?"

I nodded at turned to the cabinets behind me. I opened one of them and found the bag I needed. The bag in hoof, I turned around to find Pinkie watching me instead of dealing with the eggs and sugar like she said she would. Looking in the big bowl before her, I saw that, somehow, she already mixed them appropriately. I looked at Pinkie questioningly, wordlessly asking "How did you do that?"

"Just pour the whole bag in." She answered. That was the answer to a completely different question. Okay, if I stop to ask the "how" of everything, this was going to be a long, unproductive day. I dumped the chocolate chips into the bowl.

"Okay, now we need some baking soda."

I pulled out the baking soda and poured a little into the bowl. I was getting this funny feeling that we weren't doing this right.

"Now a cup of flour."

Wait, now we're getting to the flour? Oh yeah, we're definitely doing this wrong. Still, I supposed that Pinkie knew what she was doing, so I wasn't about to argue. I measured out a cup of flour and poured it into the bowl.

"And finally, some wheat germ."

Okay, now I had to stop and ask some questions. "What the fuck is a wheat germ?"

Pinkie shrugged. "I dunno. I'm not an agriculture scientist."

I raised an eyebrow. That seems like an awfully specific field of science to deny. Whatever, I just looked around for something that was labelled "wheat germ" and dumped it into the bowl. Satisfied, Pinkie stirred it really fast. Pinkie was stirring so fast, she was sending parts of the mixture flying around the room as if she was a blender without its lid. I ducked under the table to avoid it all, and only emerged when she poured the mixture into a muffin tin.

Pinkie shoved it into an oven that I'm not entirely sure was pre-heated. "And now we wait!" Pinkie practically pressed her face against the oven window to watch the baking process in live-action.

I stood there, uncertain of what she was doing. I know I wouldn't want to keep my head that close to an oven longer than necessary, so it was beyond me how she could stand it. I was drawing a line about one minute in. "So, Pinkie. How long will they be in there?"

"Fifteen minutes."

I set a nearby kitchen timer to fourteen minutes to account for the minute we stood there. So we waited. For fifteen minutes. With Pinkie staring right into the oven. As for myself, I could only watch Pinkie watching for about four before I decided to roam about the store for something to do. I wish I could say my search was fruitful, but that would be wrong. When I came back to the kitchen, Pinkie was still staring at the muffins in progress.

Finally, the kitchen timer went off. When the kitchen timer shut off, I swore that Pinkie's mane was ringing. She smacked the side of her head, turning off that ringing noise, and pulled out the muffin tin. The kitchen was filled with the smell of the delectable chocolate chip muffins. They were suddenly very difficult to resist.

"Great, now we just hoof them out!" Pinkie placed the muffins onto a platter and trotted outside with them. I followed her out, of course. The least I could ask is to see if Twilight's culinary screw-ups were a curse placed on her body or something.

Pinkie set out the muffins on the counter. Just as she did that, a group of ponies entered the store, no doubt for the promise of free muffins. Pinkie smiled wide at them. "Hello everypony! Who wants free muffins?"

The group had no problems voicing their excitement over free sweets. One by one, we handed over a muffin to the lucky ponies. Each pony chewed with brightening grins, enjoying their complimentary treats. The only problem was that we soon ran out of muffins for them.

"Sorry, everyone." I explained. "We're out of those free samples."

"No we're not, silly! There's another batch coming out of the oven right now!" Pinkie trotted merrily into the kitchen, and returned with another tray filled with chocolate chip muffins.

"When did we put in another batch?"

"I did when you wandered around earlier." Pinkie handed out another muffin to a small cheer. That was distracting enough for her to not notice that I was staring at her in disbelief. I shook it off to resume our task.

At long last, and after three more batches of mysteriously appearing trays of muffins, the ponies were clearing out of Sugarcube Corner. That left Pinkie and I with four remaining muffins and little to do. So we sat around waiting for someone to come by.

"So Pinkie, when are we going to actually sell something? It's like the only thing we're doing is giving away free food."

Pinkie giggled at my naivete. "Oh Twilight, we're not selling anything, today!"

I had to admit, Pinkie was great at confusing me. "What? How does Sugarcube Corner turn a profit if you just give everything away?"

Pinkie smiled confidently. "Don't worry about us, Twilight. We're not losing any money today because I found all the ingredients myself."

"If you found the ingredients, then how are you not losing money?"

"Easy-peasy, I found them lying by the road!"

This gave me an uneasy pause. I glanced suspiciously at the muffins that remained on the counter. These things were made of abandoned ingredients that Pinkie found in the dirt? Suddenly, I was less concerned about profit and more about sanitation.

Eventually, someone I was interested in speaking with came in: Rainbow Dash. I haven't seen her since she just flew out of my house yesterday before I got back from the farm. "Hey, Rainbow!" I greeted.

"Hello Dashie! Here's a muffin just for you!" Pinkie tossed a muffin at the pegasus, who smoothly caught it.

Rainbow bit into the muffin, plainly enjoying its deliciousness. "Mmm, these are good. Thanks, Pinkie."

"No problemo!"

Taking another bite, Rainbow turned to me. "Oh, and thanks for letting me crash at your place."

I smiled slyly. "Multiple times."

Rainbow coughed, almost choking on her food to scoff at me. "Just that one time! And that was not my fault!"

I chuckled. "I know, I'm sorry. And you're welcome. How are you feeling, anyhow?"

"Awesome. I feel like I can fly around the world in a few seconds. So, you know, just the usual." She arrogantly raised her head, continuing to eat the baked goods in her hoof.

I was glad to see my friend back in shape. I was a little worried when she passed out like that, but things were all right. This bragging of her's was definitely a good sign. "That's good. So what are you up to today?"

"Ah, not much. I have to get back to work in a few minutes. Clouds don't bust themselves, you know?" Rainbow gulped down the last of her muffin. "That reminds me, I gotta punch back in in two minutes. See ya around!" Rainbow sped off, leaving a prismatic trail in her wake.

I found it hard to believe that busting clouds was a full-time job. Was there more to it than that? I'd have to look it up. Still, at least I wasn't quite so worried about... whatever was worrying me a moment ago.

As Rainbow's trail dissipated, another pony came in. A brown stallion with a disinterested frown sauntered in, looking like he might fall asleep. I greeted him with a smile. "Hello, welcome to Sugarcube Corner. Want a free muffin?"

"Sure." He grunted. I could tell he was just being concise.

I handed him a muffin, which he promptly bit into. His eyebrows raised, as if he found something interesting. "Hmm." It was a vocalized noise of contentment. When he turned to leave, I knew he liked it.

Pinkie sniffled. I frowned curiously at her. Pinkie was visibly upset, but I had no idea why. I asked her what was bothering her.

Pinkie looked up at me, nearly in tears. "He didn't like them."

"What makes you think that?" I asked.

"He didn't smile!" Pinkie sighed sadly. "Everypony else was smiling, so why doesn't he smile because of our sweets?"

Wow, it didn't take much to upset Pinkie, did it? I put a comforting hoof on her shoulder. "Pinkie, trust me. He enjoyed it."

She looked up at me unsurely. "Really? What makes you so sure?"

"Trust me, as a former introvert, I know how they react to things."

"Uh, what does staying indoors a lot have to do with knowing how ponies react to things"

I rubbed a hoof on the side of my head. "As a former loner, I know things. Believe me, he might not be showing it, but I'm sure he's got a big smile right now."

Pinkie smiled hopefully. "Really?"


Pinkie hopped right back into her usual exuberance. "Okay! Thanks for cheering me up. Remind me later so we can can get you out some more. Being indoors all the time doesn't sound healthy or fun." With that, Pinkie gobbled one of the last muffins in one bite, and hopped back to the kitchen, presumably to get some more "free samples".

I sighed. I would be a bit more perturbed by Pinkie's misunderstanding of the word "introvert", but I couldn't be bothered. I was just glad that I managed to keep her from being mopey. Sadness doesn't really suit her. I was glad that I tried my best, after all.

After a day of baking and manning the counter, I finally returned to the library. I stepped right in to find Spike chewing on some more gemstones from a bowl, which he quickly tried to hide from me. I just shook my head at him with a smile, and sat down where I left that copy of Power Ponies I meant to start reading.

Spike placed his bowl behind under a chair. "Hey, Twilight. How bad was it?"

I shot him a playful glare. "For your information, it went off without a hitch."

Spike looked very surprised. "Seriously? No giant messes to clean up or anything?"

"Well, Pinkie did get quite a bit of muffin mix on the walls, but that was easily fixed. The muffins, cookies, cupcakes, and experimental cookie cupcakes all turned out rather well."

"So, nopony got sick?" Spike scratched his chin in thought. "That doesn't sound right."

I rolled my eyes and opened up the comic. Today was a very interesting day. Baking was mostly waiting, but Pinkie made it a lot more interesting than that. Between her boundless energy and love for baking, time just passed me by. But for now, I was tired, and I wanted to relax. I was in the mood to read about super hero ponies.

When Spike noticed what I was reading, he gave me another Look.

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