Drunk Ponies Shouldn't be at Hut Parties
I lazily entered the kitchen, eyes half-lidded with an uneasy night's sleep. The table was empty and the room was clear of anyone making breakfast. I yanked open the refrigerator door and pulled out the orange juice. I didn't really care for this morning, so I levitated the carton over to a glass and poured it while I thought over what we should have this morning. We still had some hay bacon left over, we had eggs, or I could cook up some hash browns with the potatoes.
I grabbed the eggs, placing the carton of juice back where it belonged and kicked the door shut. With a single glance, I knew something about the kitchen was off. I looked around for that one detail that ruined the kitchen, and my eyes fell on a single cupcake on the table. I was sure that there wasn't a cupcake there before. In fact, I knew that the table was completely clear when I came in.
It was a delicious looking cupcake. Vanilla with purple frosting and a pink swirl. No sprinkles, the most useless of toppings. This was exactly how I liked my cupcakes.
As for how that cupcake suddenly found its way onto my kitchen table? Who else in Ponyville specializes in mysteriously generated pastries? I turned to the kitchen entrance with a tired half-smile (since it was early morning). "Hello, Pinkie. Thanks for the cupcake."
Pinkie popped her head in from the living room with a playful pout. "Aw, how'd you know I was here?"
I grabbed the cup of OJ and took a nonchalant sip. "Spontaneously appearing from random locations with various treats in tow? That's getting a little predictable."
Pinkie glared thoughtfully at my ceiling. "Huh. Y'know, nopony else has ever caught on before."
"Mm-hmm." I took another sip. "So what's with the cupcake? I didn't think it was my birthday, yet."
Pinkie walked inside with a smile, but her eyes betrayed a sliver of guilt. "It's an apology cupcake. I'm sorry that I upset you yesterday and made you not trust me with something super important to you." She tapped her hooves together hopefully. "Are we still friends?"
Aww, this was exactly the kind of thing that hurts me to see. Pinkie's eyes were misting up and her lip was quivering. She was obviously distraught over the previous day's events, and here she was on the brink of crying about it, then it would be my fault that she's so upset, and I don't want to make my friends cry like that. I wrapped a hoof around her for a one-armed hug. "Of course we are. I can't stay mad at you."
Pinkie grinned wide and hugged me with an audible squee. "Thanks, Twilight! I'm so glad you don't hate me!"
"You're welcome." I concluded with a pat of her shoulder. We let go of the hug, and she hopped in place with exstatic glee.
She stopped suddenly, remembering something else she needed to tell me. "Oh, by the way, I'm throwing a welcome party for Zecora at her place, and you're invited!"
I raised a brow unsurely at the news. "Are you sure that's a good idea? Zecora told me that she didn't like crowds."
"That's okay, I only invited you, me (because I'm throwing the party, duh!), our friends, Apple Bloom, and Spike!"
I momentarily frowned at the roster she provided. It was too soon for me to see all of my other friends at once. I scoured my mind for any possible excuse I could use to get out of this party (aw man, who tries to get out of a party?), but nothing came to mind. Shit, of all the times to have little to no responsibilities, this was one of the worst.
But then I smiled. "I'm looking forward to it." I told Pinkie. I couldn't avoid the party, but I did have a plan for it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I entered the store and made a beeline for the the back row where the more hardcore looking bottles were kept. I grabbed one at random and came back to the clerk, handing it off to him.
He looked over the bottle and myself curiously. "Are you sure you want to be drinking this at your age?"
I plopped the requisite bits on the counter. "Yeah yeah, whatever. Just ring me up, will ya?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My detour to the liquor store took a little longer than I expected. Well, more accurately, I wasn't too sure about the directions I was given to Zecora's hut in the Everfree Forest. The few minutes it took me to get the scotch and walk down to the forest was long enough, but I didn't know how to interpret "take a left at the spooky bush with thorns in it" when all of the bushes had thorns in them.
So here we were, Spike and I walking through this bitch of a forest while I had a bottle of scotch in a saddlebag. Let me tell you, two and a half months didn't make me hate the Everfree any less. Somehow, there was still a path leading to Zecora's hut (not much of a path, but it seemed well-traveled to me). While one would think that makes it easier to get there, let me assure you that's not the case. Bushes and vines still littered the area just to make navigating a pain in the flank (oh hey, I got it right!).
Eventually, we found the "spooky bush" that Pinkie mentioned. It looked more like a constantly growling dog than an actual bush, and it was much larger than I was expecting. The thing was twice as big as I was. We found Zecora's hut soon afterwards. Less of a hut, and more of a hollow tree with windows and a tribal mask hanging over the door. I knocked on the door, from which I could already hear a few voices.
The door opened to reveal the zebra of riddles. "Greetings, my lavender friend. Come inside to enjoy your journey's end!"
Could my trip to her house be considered a journey? Yeah, let's go with that. Spike and I stepped inside where I made introductions. "Hey Zecora, this is Spike. Spike, this is Zecora."
"Hi." Spike casually greeted.
While Spike and Zecora spoke, I got a good look around the hut. There was a firepit in the center of the room with a cauldron hanging over it, unlit for now. Potion bottles hung from the ceiling, clearly empty of potential contents. Shelves dug into the walls were lined with alchemical reagents, a bed and a pillow were stuffed into a corner, and tribal masks were hanging all around. I liked the atmosphere this place provided. It had this mystical shaman vibe to it. The effect was ruined by various colorful party decorations. I dunno, something about pink streamers, rainbow confetti, and red-bordering-on-pink punch bowls on a white table just clashed with the natural decor.
While Apple Bloom was sitting on an over-turned log used as a bench, the five friends I was anxious about joining again were standing idly. Things were understandably tense around them, with the exception of Pinkie Pie. The others were merely staring at me, waiting for me to say something.
While they were no doubt expecting something grand from me, I kept things disappointingly simple. "Hey girls, how's it goin'?" I asked with a smile.
"Really? That's the first thing you say to us after your outburst yesterday?" Rainbow criticized.
"What? I'm not going to let things like that make it awkward around us."
"And how do you figure that? You can't just wish the whole day away yesterday." Applejack claimed.
"Well I brought the next best thing." I brought out the bottle of liquor in my saddlebag, rattling it in front of them.
"Twilight, dear, that's a bottle of scotch." Rarity pointed out.
"Yeah. Heh, it's funny, there was all sorts of alcohol being sold, but not a single instance of beer..."
"But there are children present!"
I looked around the room, only seeing Apple Bloom eyeing the scotch curiously. "Children? The only child I see in the room is Apple Bloom."
"Please don't tell me you're forgetting about Spike."
I glanced back at Spike, who was scratching his head in confusion at something Zecora said. I chuckled. "Oh yeah. With how often he matches wits with me, I forgot he's still a kid."
"Matches wits? Don't tell me he outsmarts you all the time!" Rainbow smiled jokingly.
"Hey, don't let his appearance fool you; he's practically a grandmaster at chess!" I said in my defense.
Rainbow chuckled at my expense, though she was obviously holding in even more laughter. "Spike beats you at chess?" She burst into uproarious laughter.
The others looked disapprovingly at her. On the other hand, I was able to open the bottle and drink, all while glaring at Rainbow.
Ah, the familiar burn of a strong liquor. I felt better already. I was glad that Rainbow was bringing some levity into our day, but I just wish it wasn't at my expense.
Zecora tapped my shoulder, getting my attention. "For fear of doing something you might regret, the bottle is one thing you must forget."
I held a hoof to my chest, posing as if she touched my heart. "Aw, I didn't even know you cared enough about me to stage an intervention." I returned the shoulder patting. "Don't worry. In drinking circles, I'm what's known as a 'heavyweight'." I punctuated the claim with another drink from the bottle. I felt the buzz already.
Now, if I were any smarter of a man, I would have realized at the time what was happening. Sure, back home in my real body, I could hold my liquor pretty well. However, I didn't consider that I wasn't in my real body, so the effects of the alcohol were a lot stronger and faster than I was used to. It didn't take long for me to get totally smashed, to the point that I couldn't remember what happened that night. All I know is what other ponies present at the time have told me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Can you tell me another joke, Zecora?"
"You're laughter leaves me flustered, for not a single joke have I mustered!"
"Ha ha! Classic!"
Zecora frowned with frustration. It figured that Twilight (or at least a very unfortunate man who looked a lot like Twilight) was an easily amused drunk. Needless to say, speaking with her wasn't going so well for Zecora.
Apple Bloom watched the increasingly tipsy mare curiously. "Why's she actin' so funny?"
To discover the answer to that question, Rainbow swiped the bottle away from Twilight (who was too busy laughing at Zecora's "jokes" to notice) and examined it's contents. "Ha! She didn't even drink half of it! What a lightweight!"
Applejack grabbed the bottle herself and read the label. What she found was surprising. "Whoa nelly! This here's Griffin made! This stuff's so strong, it could put out a full grown manticore!"
"Goodness! Where did she even find that?" Rarity asked.
"That's easy." Rainbow answered. "Hard Liquor down at the liquor store imports all kinds of good stuff. I'll bet Tipsy went right for the stuff in the back."
"Hey, where'd my bottle go?" Asked the loopy Twilight lookalike. She looked around for it, and Applejack hid it under the punch table. Twilight didn't notice this action, and had no idea where the bottle could be.
Pinkie Pie, sensing an opportunity to distract Twilight away from a frustrated Zecora, brought her a cup of punch. "Here, have some punch! I'll bet it's better than that nasty griffin swill!"
Twilight accepted the offered cup and drank it all in one go. She grimaced in disgust at the cup. "Hey, this spike's not even punched!"
Applejack pondered this situation. Didn't drunk ponies usually say things that they didn't mean to say? That is, they usually say things they wanted to keep secret? Her curiosity got the better of her.
She tapped Twilight's shoulder to get her attention. "Hey Twi, what was it you were gonna tell us the other day?"
Twilight gave Applejack a hard look, and stared for several moments. She grabbed AJ by the shoulders. "I'm from the future."
"Say what, now?"
Twilight widened her eyes with mock intensity. "Sarah Conner, come with me if you want to live." She laughed and fumbled to the nearby punch table, propping herself up with a hoof.
Applejack narrowed her eyes at the joking mare. It figured that Twilight was not taking anything seriously.
They waited as Twilight's laughter died down and caught her breath. They could tell that Twilight was about to do something else that was obnoxious, and not in the Pinkie Sense of the word.
Twilight looked up to her friends. "You know what I could go for? I could go for some wrestling. I'm so drunk, that I could even watch the WWE!"
Now, I wouldn't go that far.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Ah didn't know you watched wrestlin'."
"I do, but it's been so long since I've seen a show." Twilight's eyes widened in realization. "Wait, you mean to tell me that there are wrestling promotions in Equestria?"
"Of course there are. EPW comes by every month or so."
Twilight chuckled deeply. "Sweet, I'll even get to see it live. It's nice to be able to stream it on the internet and all, but I can't wait to be at ringside."
Everyone looked at each other questioningly, nopony knowing what Twilight was on about. Finally, Apple Bloom asked "What's the internet?"
Twilight tilted her head in confusion. "How do you not know what the internet is?" She thought for a moment, then lightly bonked the side of her head in realization. "Oh, that's right, I'm still in Equestria!" While everypony adorned puzzled expressions, Twilight elaborated. "Alright, you see, the internet is this series of tubes and cables and shit..." Rarity winced. "...that carry electrical signals to these big blocks of plastic and metal called computers. Then people use these computers to access a network of information shared across the entire world! Though, it's mostly used to watch porn and read fanfiction. Sometimes both."
They stared incredulously at Twilight, except for Rarity, who's eye twitched at how appalled she was at Twilight's behvior (in front of children, no less!). "Twilight, you're drunk," Rainbow concluded.
"Yeah, ah think you should go home." Applejack added.
Twilight lifted her hoof to protest, but unfortunately for her, the hoof she lifted was being used to prop herself up on the table. Without it holding her up, her head smashed into the table and she fell to the ground, just out of sight of the others. "Argh! Son of a-- Ooh, I found my bottle!" Applejack facehoofed.
Pinkie circled around the table to check on the fallen mare, finding her taking another drink from the bottle of vileness. Twilight put down the bottle and lazed onto her back with lidded eyes. "Man, I'm gettin' sleepy. Good thing Zecora has a comfortable floor." This was a thing she said about a bare wooden floor.
Pinkie sighed and shook her head. "Silly Twilight, you don't need to sleep on the floor. Come on, I'll take you home." Pinkie picked up the fallen mare and propped Twilight onto her back.
Twilight nuzzled into Pinkie's neck, presumably like a pillow. "Good idea, you're much more comfortable than the floor." She murmured with a dopey smile.
"You know, I could take her home for you. This is your party, after all." Rainbow offered.
"This is Zecora's party, Dashie. Besides, I'll be back before you even know I'm gone!" Pinkie turned to Spike. "Are you going to stay for the party, or do you want to look after Twilight?"
Spike shrugged. "I guess I'll keep an eye on Twilight."
Pinkie and Spike walked out the door. "We'll be back soon!" Pinkie called, and closed the door.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pinkie and Spike walked down the path to Ponyville, with only the sound of rustling leaves and soft snoring from an intoxicated Twilight to accompany them. Twilight fell asleep shortly after leaving Zecora's hut, so that left only one conscious mare and a dragon. Spike poked Twilight's leg to see if she would react, but she was out cold.
For Spike, this was the perfect opportunity to sow doubt into the minds of one of Twilight's deluded friends. "So, Pinkie, what do you think of Twilight?"
Pinkie beamed. "She's a great friend! We baked cupcakes and muffins together, she takes the time to learn about me, she smiles and waves every time she sees me, she always has advice, and she's so considerate!"
Yikes, it sounded to Spike like Pinkie was really digging this imposter. While he wasn't expecting this to be easy, he underestimated how quickly their friendships have grown. "Well, what about yesterday? She didn't seem so nice then."
Pinkie deflated slightly at the reminder. "Yeah, she was pretty upset." Pinkie renewed her smile with a happy bounce in her step. "But it's okay, because we're still friends!"
Spike narrowed his eyes doubtfully at the sleeping Twilight. "Still, that was a pretty harsh reaction. What secret do you think she has that's so important to her that she would lash out?"
Pinkie hummed thoughtfully. "Hmm, I dunno. I thought Twilight might be a robot from the future to bring a glorious new golden age of funk, but that can't be it."
Spike stared incredulously at Pinkie. "What made you think that?"
"Well, obviously, it answered everything!"
Spike raised a claw to dispute that, but lowered it, deciding against arguing with Pinkie's logic. "Anyway, don't you think that if it's so important, that she would tell her friends about it?"
Pinkie turned to Spike with a Serious Pinkie Pie Frown. "Trust me, some secrets are worth keeping." She answered with a grim monotone.
Spike widened his eyes in fear at Pinkie. "Does that mean you have some dark secret, too?"
Pinkie turned her sullen frown upside down with a mirthful smile. "Nope! But that sure sounded ominous, didn't it?"
Spike glared at Pinkie, not approving of her antics. Still, he figured that trying to sway Pinkie was a waste of time. Her mind was already made, and she was too... odd to convince of anything. He decided to go back to the drawing board, and work out how he could reveal "Twilight's" secret plot.
Stats
Page generated in 0.04 seconds
Total duration
975 users online
468,400 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Good thing being drunk will not let the disguise be gone.
And did we just see a bit of Pinkemena?
A large fan and a camera. Once you blow that pesky tail out of the way, Twilight's secret plot will be revealed to everypony.
5663143 I knew it! I knew I would get someone to make that joke! Thanks for not disappointing me!
5663161
The pleasure was mine
This was hilarious.
5663165 The pleasure was also everyones' within eyesight
Drink some more
That was a very good chapter, it was funny at some points, i guess the griffon stuff is a bit stronger than the stuff for Ponys right?
I don't know why Spike can't simply write letter to Celestia. She will take it rather seriously because: 1) She is aware about this that Spike know Twilight behavings perfectly 2) She met bodysnacher once in worst possibly way (NMM).
Also I can only wonder how "Twilight" will react to Trixie, Flim-Flam duo and maybe Appleloosa crisis (it must remind him similar situation in past America). I have great hopes toward Trixie. Firstly I think that "Twilight" do not overlook that Trixie was been taunted to do what she do. Secondly, if you put chapter like in show (with Ursa) I bet he will see the fact, that Trixie lost her card - her only properiety. If he help her in this moment that could turn into friendship, but not like in show on line "redeemer - deafeted antagonist", but "mare with issues - mare with other issues".
I liked this story a lot more than I thought I would.
I agree with Queue de Spool in
5665913
Let me specify: I was reading it before my sleep and finished near 4:00 when the text was over. It's a rare thing for me to continue reading after 1:00. And it was worth it.
Great job, axelsempai!
5681441
Wow, thanks! I always enjoy reading positive feedback!
That was... wow, it sucked me right in, and I ended up reading the whole thing in one go.... Now I'm curious, Spike's obviously on to something, but he's probly also unsure, because there was supposed to be a big reveal, but they weren't accepting of a stranger.... Upvoted, and tracked. keep it up, and I may upgrade it to a fav XD
Edit: added to Why_am_I_X? group. this fic needs moar love.
5688584
Wow, thank you! I appreciate every bit of love I can get!
I'm really digging this story, the way her/his relationships differ from
's and the way it parallels cannon is pretty cool. Looking forward to the next chapter 
thanks for writing!
5663143
That is the best pun I have read on the whole site. Thank you Maud.
Very enjoyable fic and best human in Twilight Sparkle (not in that sense, my little perverts) that I saw.
interesting story. I for sure thought in his drunken stupor that he would reveal everything.
althou... call be crazy but what if he actually is twilight? what if twilight got so worried on the chariot to ponyville that she basically fried her brain shoving who she really is into the back recesses of her mind and created a fake persona that she believes is who she actually is?
also, did twilight leave the botle at zecora's? if she did i bet Dash is going to swipe it!
hope to see a new chapter soon.
5698626
You know, I really like the idea of Twilight frying her mind like that. It would make for an interesting what-if scenario in which Twilight adapts to her new environment by being crazier than it is.
You're crazy.
5698779 your welcome!
don't suppose you could give us an idea for the next chapter's release date?
Thank you for the wonderful story!
Like everypony, ah judged Chapter 1 like judgin' Zecora.
Ah was bein' a might superficial, an' let mah first impression color mah judgement.
Yer story seems really interestin. An' it seems ta be improvin!
Eager ta read more. ^_^
5698815
I feel that I can get the next chapter out on Sunday.
5700057
Thank you! I'm very glad that you have decided to give my story a chance!
5703198 ok!
*waits patiently in the closet*
Applejack would be probably the easiest one for Spike to sway his way.
That was something I wished happened more often. A drunk Twilight-look-alike! And it was quite entertaining, reading the dialogues in the voices of the characters. I was grinning all the way through, and since my friend next to me was also a "book nerd" as she puts it, she didn't notice!
5664846 One flaw there. NMM was not a body snatching. it was an alternate personality.
Wait....I thought equestria didn't have beer? or at elast pinkie didn't know what ti was...I am confuzzled
5892979
"Beer" doesn't exist. "Scotch" and "alcohol" do, however.
i.imgur.com/YAGpXPd.png
Oh man, i'm still laughin' at that one.
Your characters are a bit more in-character than in previous chapters.
Also, i know it's a pain, but your non-Twiliclone characters occasionally say things like: human instead of pony, child instead of colt, etc.
Other than nit-pickyness you're really getting into the groove of adapting episodes into your overarching Twiliclone plot.
I suggest you get an editor, since, bluntly, you seem to write weekly, and you'd end up writing bi-weekly if you properly grammar nazi-ed the whole thing.
And that would be a shame.
Great, pony's can't puke, wonder if there's a messed up or something close to a hangover.
5698779
I don't suppose we can get an alternate ending to this story where this is indeed the case?
Omg I'm lying in stitches here!!
blogs.warwick.ac.uk/images/jonesm/2006/07/20/tubes.jpg?maxWidth=800&maxHeight=600
And she is explaining that to a child!
Of course she finds the bottle again! Hilarious!
On that note it was still kind of a sad chapter. So I was listening to this song while reading it. It somehow fits.
5961917 Technically, beer is what you distill to get whiskey or Scotch whiskey, but I can see why ponies wouldn't want to drink it. Unless beer is flavored with a bitter herb like hops... No, wait... even then it's sort of an acquired taste.
...I'll have a Buzzsaw Brown!
derpicdn.net/img/2014/5/24/635362/thumb.gif
7013869 I watched that Gif for two seconds before my doge add blocker decided it was an add and changed it to a shiba jumping on a trampoline.
7013869 That about sums up the internet.
whether this pun was intentional or not it's hilarious.
No. No no no, that's crossing a line!