Pipsqueak and his Mum attend a high-society event hosted by Equestria and dedicated to the kingdom's gryphon friends. Other pony nations, like Maretonia, are also invited.
Foreign delegates and dignitaries. Nobles and royalty. Ponies from outside the kingdom. It will definitely be a fancy event.
But Pipsqueak and his Mum are just common folk...it just so happens that Pipsqueak knows the Princess of the Night.
A special night, with his favorite princess...what could possibly go wrong?
UPDATE: (Dec.17,2014) This is my first fic. Other fics are being written. Some are actually done (BOOK 2, Lu-). But I can't publish until I learn as much as I can from this first fic. I appreciate short, sweet comments. Sometimes they are feedback enough. But, if you can, please give details about the things you liked and disliked. I've had some give such comments, and I very much appreciate them. Such comments can give me lessons and ideas that I can apply to unpublished fics and fics in progress.
Just wanting to improve, so that I could write stories you guys would enjoy.
Wow, no comments after 21,000 words?
That's tragic.
I'm adding this to my read it later so I can comment on it someday.
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I'm not letting the lack of comments stop me from writing. It's just that after one published story with no comments whatsoever, I feel like I'm "flying blind" as I write.
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Well, the story isn't in any groups, as far as I can tell. Maybe add it to some groups, and that will help.
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Was thinking of that too. But if I do add it, it might give away some clues.
I can always do that in the future though.
I'll take a look at it over the holidays.
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Thank you. Much appreciated. Am looking forward to it.
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Not a problem. And thanks.
5342783 Don't fly blind, you might fly into something!
Adding this to my stupidly long read later list and a few other smaller "Read sooner" lists
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Hehe, yeah, I know. I actually feel like I've flown into a lot of things already.
Thanks for adding it to your read later list.
Well, one thing I'd suggest is to merge your chapters. Even though the 1000 word minimum only applies to the fic on the whole, it's generally good practice to have every chapter meet it.
Cute little Pip. I guess he's the kind of pony to like anything or anybody new to him. Such wonder and curiosity. Makes sense he'd like Luna. A quick thing i noticed. Thoughts are typically in italics or bracketed. [Thoughts.] It makes it easier to tell if it's a narration of the character or a thought they think.
If you do a narration as the character was thinking it you should do something along the lines of: As I walked down the large groups of well dressed ponies I saw, for the first time, a group of well dressed griffons.
Or if it's him thinking you could do either:
or
5365796 I agree with Alkonium on this one. I suggest merging the first two chapters so far. I'm reading in sequence and responding as I go, so Keep that in mind as you go along. I also strongly recommend considering what I said in the previous chapter about thoughts vs. dialogue. I hope Pip gets to meet a few griffon friends down the line. His fascination with them is adorable!
Does her like like the Princess? O.o Wonder what mum says to that.
I like when he thinks: chest out Pip. Sounding all high and mighty like a knight.
While on the subject you spell griffon in a unique way. Is that how you spell it in your story by chance? In my stories I use this spelling "gryphon or Griffoness" for female griffons. I wonder how you use yours. 
Still loving this so far.
OK I like this chapter simply because Trixie got a cameo appearance in it right off the bat! I love Trixie! Every story I always look for her no matter how small a role she plays. I'm happy that you put her in the story for such an important role this story just got 20% cooler.
Anyways. Like i said Merging the chapters might still be nice. I liked the pieces you chose for the performance so far. I Wish you used Bach but hey beggars can't be choosers right? Still loved it! I feel the descriptions were done well enough but maybe a bit more next time?
Overall first four chapters should be put together so far at this point here>.< See what I did there? Funny? No? ... Ballocks.
Now who was the mysterious person/pony/gryphon Luna was off to meet? Such an enigma this Luna always is. The show needs her more in the next season. And More Trixie! I can't wait to see where this goes next.
I love the picture you have for this chapter and the little banner off in the corner of it. And your musical selection is vast and well thought out for each piece. After giving it some thought I feel a short maybe six sentence description along with the story would be nice for each piece. All in all it is wonderful to see Pip getting to be an escort for the Princess and not THAT kind of escort. I'm taking an intermission for the day. Five chapters down and about as many to go. Be back tomorrow for more! Hope my feedback and comments help you in any future endeavors!
Fans are temporary, Friends are forever!
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I appreciate your feedback. Just what the doctor ordered. My main, #1 concern is to be able to make the reader imagine the scenes and the dialogues. Your feedback so far tells me, yes.
I knew I was still kind of messy with the thoughts and narration. I will have to go through this story again soon to italicize the appropriate sentences. Wonder how I'll edit it. Will I do it in Google Docs and re-upload? Will that delete the comments? Or will I edit it here?
The chapter merging would be my last priority.
Thanks for reading and giving such critiques. Finally, a light in the blinding darkness.
This is Midnight Rambler to VGI, transmitting from WRITE's secret headquarters in
the frozen northdarkest Africathe Ottoman Empirea very secret place.Right, where do I start... First of all, get rid of the Youtube links. They're a gimmick, they break immersion, and very few readers are going to bother with them anyway. If you really want to suggest music to go along with the story, put a link in the author's notes – but never, ever put hyperlinks in the story text itself. The same goes for images (chapter 5) and emoticons (chapter 11). Cut them out, purge them, by fire and by steel! As a writer, you have only words at your disposal; if you want your story to be taken seriously, you'll have to accept that limitation.
The Youtube links are only a symptom, though. The underlying problem is that you seem to be more interested in showing off various things you like than in telling a story.
Princess Luna, the gryphons, the music, the performances, even the video games Pipsqueak and his friends play at the arcade... they all get elaborate descriptions, and all of these descriptions are just dumped into the story with zero regard for atmosphere or character voice. The performances are even described twice, in much the same terms – first when Pipsqueak actually watches them, then when he tells his classmates about the evening. The game probably takes the cake, though:
This kind of dry, technical description belongs on the game's packaging or in a review, not in a story – especially not in a story that isn't about the game at all.
Anyway, whereas these descriptions get a lot of attention, the story itself is paper-thin. Pipsqueak is going to a fancy concert with his mum – okay. He's a big fan of Princess Luna – okay. (That's canon, even.) And then, out of nowhere, Luna comes up to him and asks him to accompany her for the night – wait, what? That bit needs a lot more setup.
After that, nothing exciting happens for a long time – just several instances of you shouting, in an increasingly obnoxious voice, 'Look at how awesome this thing is!' Only by the end of chapter 15 do I get the idea that the story's going anywhere at all. I don't have a clue where, though; it's all way too cryptic and confusing for that.
You remind me a bit of someone who's playing an adventure game, and gets so distracted by all kinds of addicting minigames that he forgets all about the main quest. And to extend that metaphor, I want to read about Link fighting Ganon, not about all the hours he spends on fishing, Cucco hunts and horse races.
Now for the small stuff. There were two story elements I found inappropriate for the tone of the story, and pretty creepy in general: the honey berry shots and the Pip x Luna shipteasing.
Imagine a party where there are a lot of young parents with their children. A few hours into the evening – say, around nine or ten – the children start getting tired and falling asleep, because they're little kids and need a lot of sleep. Instead of going home and putting their kids to bed, the parents give them energy drinks, or some kind of soda with ridiculous amounts of sugar, to stay awake.
That would be considered irresponsible parenting at best and outright child abuse at worst. Why, then, are the honey berry shots in your story treated as perfectly normal and acceptable?
As for the shipteasing, come on. She's a millennia-old alicorn princess, he's a colt of... seven years? Eight? They're so far removed from each other that it makes no sense for anypony to even think about shipping them, or at least not to voice those thoughts out loud (like Pip's classmates and Pinkie do).
There are some references to things that shouldn't exist in that universe ('legs like a human', 'Spanish guitars') unless this is secretly some kind of weird crossover / HiE fic.
On a stilistical note, cut out the fake-British clichés, like 'blimey', 'guv'nor', 'evah' and 'chaps'. Those are already extremely cringeworthy to me; I imagine it'd be even worse for anyone actually from Britain.
Your grammar is generally correct, but every now and then you slip into the past tense. If you're going to write in the present tense, be consistent about it.
Your primary concern, though, should be to make this more of a story, and less of a showcase for cool things.
Signing off,
Midnight Rambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman
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Still, I know it's good for me.
Whew! I knew I was taking a risk when I requested for a W.R.I.T.E. review. Buuuut...this is what the doctor ordered. I just wish a gentler nurse administered it.
At last,
(General comments about the fic)
This feels like a good 'light hearted, slice of life' fic rather than a 'dark' fic. Sure, there's the bit at the end, but it's not the main feature of the story till the end, right?
Changing the title seems to be of most importance. Setting a good first impression to your authors is always handy, and for the majority of the fic there is no 'revelation' to be had. It's just a theatre-outing and talking about it at school.
If you label this as 'revelations' as it is, then it feels like it took you 20k words to get to the 'revelation', without any context on it.
You know what? A reason 'why the plot point at the end happens' would probably be a 'revelation'. Therefore, explore that in your next book, call that one revelation, call this one 'Pip's Spiffing Theatre Adventure!' or something, have the 'revelation' be the part at the end that no one expects, which gets people to read the next one.
Other than that, minor errors, a couple of 'OOC' character interactions, a bit of repeated exposition, but nothing that can't be fixed.I'd say your use of words such as 'fellowship' and 'My dear Pip' were a bit weird, but likewise, they can be fixed.
I'd say one of the main issues I have with it.... is context.
We are just supposed to assume Pip likes Luna and Luna likes Pip, no questions asked?
It's very weird. Especially since they have so little dialogue in the show together, and we're now meant to assume they just love each other to bits. Or, that's what I think I'm meant to assume, anyway. They certainly act like it.
There should be some reason for her to call him over, some reason why she acts so...strangely kindly to him. Like I said several times, it's as if they are dating.
And they're not, right? Please say they're not.
Don't be afraid to correct me. I'm a reader, and this is what a reader's perspective of your story looks like. Therefore, I probably got some stuff wrong, and it's up to you (and if you want some help, me too) to make it so that what you're saying is what is in the fic.
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I love the questions and things you said, like the context and such. So it means I am definitely on the right track. As you have noticed, the title is Revelations BOOK 1. It's just book 1 of Pip's perspective.
Are they dating? Why does Pip like Luna and vice versa? Nice! You might consider this a "date," but in a more innocent context, like a family going out for Valentine's day or something.
I'm definitely going to look at those OOC interactions.
There's another character perspective in book 1, and that is Octavia's. I could have edited Octavia's POV first so that it would have been the first story, but Pip's is more "on the ground." The "Revelations" bid gets more and more as the story moves into book 2, 3, and so forth.
Your input is invaluable because it definitely tells me that I am on the right track - I got the audience (you, at least) to ask the right questions. Yes!
Aaaand now I'm wanting me and my editor to work on Octavia's POV of BOOK 1 again.. It's editing has been put on hold in favor of the fic I made of her OC. I've finished writing a character's POV for BOOK 2, and actually kept on writing. So now I have a bit of another character's POV of BOOK 3.
Again, thank you.
I really liked your fic by the way.
You got Pip's reaction spot on, and that made it enjoyable to read. The only problems that I found were you chapter length, and the links.
As for the length, you should think about combining your chapters; it'd make your story smoother to read. I'd recommend keeping with the same chapter until a break in the timeline of your story, or around major points in your plot. Don'y worry about making your chapters too long, there are a lot of fics out there with really long chapters/
For the links, they just need to be removed. Most will ignore them (I did), and they'd interrupt the flow of your story anyway, and they also cheapen the feel of your story. To tell the truth I would've liked to read more of Pip's reaction to the songs. Also, from the rest of the story, you have shown more than enough skill to do without.
Overall, your story was a great first shot, and a very enjoyable read!
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Thank you. Your comment makes me smile.
I...I got Pip's reaction spot on? Oh...my.
So yeah, I will focus on the main character's reactions.
I will definitely take into account the suggestions you have given. I have, actually. Book 2 - Luna's POV, does not have any links to youtube vids, and i don't know if i will add or not.
Would you mind putting your reply in the fic's comment section? I'm trying to keep all comments (good and bad) there for proper comments archiving.
I love how you could capture the curiosity of a child. Really well done
5590997 Thank you. Your perspective gives me a clue into what I may be able to do. (I'm so much in the dark that I doubt my own abilities, let alone develop them)
Much appreciated.
6266143 I had an editor. She was good with a lot of technical stuff. But apparently 1 wasn't enough in my case. Plus I kinda shocked her with the last two chapters.
Also, isn't it pretty obvious that the one talking, most of the time, is Pip?
An example of the "poor English" would be appreciated,too.
This series is effectively on-hold, and I am working (with editor/s and proof and prereaders) on other stories to gain much needed experience.