Chapter 17: Pipsqueak - The Dream After
Chapter 17: Pipsqueak
The Dream After
“...Pipsqueak?!”
“Luna?”
“I think he's coming to, Ms. Cheerilee!”
And I'm thrust back into reality. Funny, reality is a bit blurred.
But the happy feeling, and the stinging pierced sensation in my neck, remains. Oh gosh, I'm so happy I'm positively smiling! I don't think I'd care if the class teased me right now.
“Luna?”
I'm still looking up...but the moon is gone, replaced by a ceiling. Hmm, strange.
“Pipsqueak? Are you alright?”
I look at Ms. Cheerilee and all my classmates. They look scared. Why, did something happen? Ah, I don't care.
One of my filly classmates, I can't say who, says something about someone's neck. Huh, really? Fancy that!
Speaking of necks, something is trickling down mine. But I don't care. Who would have known that...doing a presentation about a show...would be so...so tiring.
I'm...kind of cold...but it’s the middle of the day...weird...I honestly don't care. Guess I'll just lie down here and sleep. Maybe I'll dream again.
…
…
…
What? Where am I?...It’s so dark...oh, right. I fell asleep in class…And I didn’t dream again. Too bad it was a dreamless sleep. But it sure was a long one.
Am I really awake? So why is it so dark, then? Is it...is it nighttime already?
“Ms. Cheerilee?” I call out, barely. Throat dry, sticky...really thirsty. Am I even in school?
What the hay happened? “Muuum!?” I call out. Nothing. Why am I calling out so weakly?
What's in my mouth? Feels as thick as honey berry shot, but it doesn't taste like it at all.
If I just woke up...why am I sooo woozy? Oh wow, I'm on a bed! Whose bed is this? Where am I?
Finally my eyes adjust to the darkness. And I can see that this looks like Luna's room in our shared dream, only...it’s...messy and dirty. There are cobwebs everywhere. Luna should really clean her room. Mum always tells me to clean mine.
“Mum...” I gotta get back to Mum...it’s late...and I'm...not home.
Home...I roll off the bed, only to find my legs give way under me and I plop on the floor.
Get up. One step....at a time...to Mum....to home.
I open the door. This place...like an old castle...Mum...home...gotta get back home.
Somehow, one hoof after another, I make it out of that crumbling place.
Rickety rope bridge...Button would love this...like that stage in that video game, Castle-mania...Just...have to get through...Everfree. Hope...don't run across any monsters.
Almost there...almost...through this forest. Oh no...a timberwolf.
Why, why is it afraid of...me? Or is there something...behind me...something on my face...perhaps?
Hey, Timberwolf...where you goin'? Heheh...silly timberwolf...
Mum...almost there, Mum...almost...home.
Is that...the bridge? Town hall...I'll be home soon.
Sorry, Mum, for being out so late...tired...really cold.
I see ponies. I try to smile at them, but...they look at me as if they've seen the dead. Gosh...is there something on my face? Hope not...hope not...
Hi Lily...Lotus, Aloe...hi...Lucky Clover...hi.
Mayor Mare...hi...hi, everypony. I'm...I'm just tired.
Twist...is that you? Hi, classmate...hi...Rainbow? Hi...hi...
Thunderlane, Rumble...hi...
Mr. & Mrs. Cake...hi...Hi Pinkie, Fluttershshshy...really tired...Yeah, hi...everypony.
Everypony is being so funny....like seen the dead...
...like seen the dead...
Mum, almost home...sweet home.
And there it is...home.
Hope...won't be grounded...
Why is it dark in our house? Only one light...like a star.
I open the door, “Mother...I'm here.”
Mum is...sitting in the dark with nothing but a dim candlelight beside her? Her face wet with tears, staring blankly...at my framed picture. Why?
“Pip?”
“Mum, have you been crying?”
“...”
Mum has the look of everypony I’ve come across to on my way home. “Mum?”
“Uh, yeah, Mum, it’s me.”
“They...they told me you were dead, that somehow you've lost a lot of blood.”
What?
“I was there, in the hospital...You were completely covered with a blanket...It’s been three days.”
“What? I...I'm here. I'm alive. How can I be dead? I just feel a little cold...tired, that's all...but am home now...Mum...am home now.”
“Pipsqueak? Is it really you?” Mum asks as she walks towards me.
I nod. Mum is really being weird now.
“But how...?”
I dunno.
She looks at me, like she’s examining me. Then she smiles. “My Pip is alive!”
Uh, k.
She hugs me. She hugs me tighter. There we go...yeah. That's really tight. Did I mention that I'm cold and tired? I did, right? Wonder if Mum had dinner yet, cuz I sure could have some.
I hug her back as best as I can.
Heh, mothers, right?
I try to take all this in. I honestly do not understand...But...I think I'm starting to. Right here, in my mother’s embrace. Slowly I do...scenes and pictures of that special night fill my mind...and as I do...my heart breaks. With a blank face that's too tired, I cry...
“There there, Pip, you're home now. Oh, my boy! My dear dear boy!”
Really too tired to cry well, but I still do...because I feel sad.
That night! Oh what a night! In my mind I recall how it was. Truly a night to remember. Everypony was happy, including me. I was with my Princess, Princess Luna.
“Mum...” I continue to cry.
“Yes, Pip?”
Then, something happened. The cello music played. And Luna fell asleep, and I fall asleep right next to her. We share a dream. Oh, what a wonderful dream! Luna, a filly. Same age as me...Oh my Luna...my Luna!
...and we play...we play tag...and we dance too...
I smile at the sight of her as a filly in my mind. And she's calling my name!
I...I feel so happy!
“Oh my Luna!” I say with a painful throat and whatever coherent voice I have left.
I move my lips but no words come out. I think I'm just quivering miserably now.
“Pip, why are your tears reddish?” I hear Mum say in a worried tone.
They are?
“Mum...”
She looks at me, troubled. I am looking up, blankly. The moon isn't up there.
“My Princess is a Vampire.”...To Be Continued.
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Wow, no comments after 21,000 words?
That's tragic.
I'm adding this to my read it later so I can comment on it someday.
5341528
I'm not letting the lack of comments stop me from writing. It's just that after one published story with no comments whatsoever, I feel like I'm "flying blind" as I write.
5342783
Well, the story isn't in any groups, as far as I can tell. Maybe add it to some groups, and that will help.
5343401
Was thinking of that too. But if I do add it, it might give away some clues.
I can always do that in the future though.
I'll take a look at it over the holidays.
5364266
Thank you. Much appreciated. Am looking forward to it.
5364298
Not a problem. And thanks.
5342783 Don't fly blind, you might fly into something!
Adding this to my stupidly long read later list and a few other smaller "Read sooner" lists
5364372
Hehe, yeah, I know. I actually feel like I've flown into a lot of things already.
Thanks for adding it to your read later list.
5366554
I appreciate your feedback. Just what the doctor ordered. My main, #1 concern is to be able to make the reader imagine the scenes and the dialogues. Your feedback so far tells me, yes.
I knew I was still kind of messy with the thoughts and narration. I will have to go through this story again soon to italicize the appropriate sentences. Wonder how I'll edit it. Will I do it in Google Docs and re-upload? Will that delete the comments? Or will I edit it here?
The chapter merging would be my last priority.
Thanks for reading and giving such critiques. Finally, a light in the blinding darkness.
This is Midnight Rambler to VGI, transmitting from WRITE's secret headquarters in
the frozen northdarkest Africathe Ottoman Empirea very secret place.Right, where do I start... First of all, get rid of the Youtube links. They're a gimmick, they break immersion, and very few readers are going to bother with them anyway. If you really want to suggest music to go along with the story, put a link in the author's notes – but never, ever put hyperlinks in the story text itself. The same goes for images (chapter 5) and emoticons (chapter 11). Cut them out, purge them, by fire and by steel! As a writer, you have only words at your disposal; if you want your story to be taken seriously, you'll have to accept that limitation.
The Youtube links are only a symptom, though. The underlying problem is that you seem to be more interested in showing off various things you like than in telling a story.
Princess Luna, the gryphons, the music, the performances, even the video games Pipsqueak and his friends play at the arcade... they all get elaborate descriptions, and all of these descriptions are just dumped into the story with zero regard for atmosphere or character voice. The performances are even described twice, in much the same terms – first when Pipsqueak actually watches them, then when he tells his classmates about the evening. The game probably takes the cake, though:
This kind of dry, technical description belongs on the game's packaging or in a review, not in a story – especially not in a story that isn't about the game at all.
Anyway, whereas these descriptions get a lot of attention, the story itself is paper-thin. Pipsqueak is going to a fancy concert with his mum – okay. He's a big fan of Princess Luna – okay. (That's canon, even.) And then, out of nowhere, Luna comes up to him and asks him to accompany her for the night – wait, what? That bit needs a lot more setup.
After that, nothing exciting happens for a long time – just several instances of you shouting, in an increasingly obnoxious voice, 'Look at how awesome this thing is!' Only by the end of chapter 15 do I get the idea that the story's going anywhere at all. I don't have a clue where, though; it's all way too cryptic and confusing for that.
You remind me a bit of someone who's playing an adventure game, and gets so distracted by all kinds of addicting minigames that he forgets all about the main quest. And to extend that metaphor, I want to read about Link fighting Ganon, not about all the hours he spends on fishing, Cucco hunts and horse races.
Now for the small stuff. There were two story elements I found inappropriate for the tone of the story, and pretty creepy in general: the honey berry shots and the Pip x Luna shipteasing.
Imagine a party where there are a lot of young parents with their children. A few hours into the evening – say, around nine or ten – the children start getting tired and falling asleep, because they're little kids and need a lot of sleep. Instead of going home and putting their kids to bed, the parents give them energy drinks, or some kind of soda with ridiculous amounts of sugar, to stay awake.
That would be considered irresponsible parenting at best and outright child abuse at worst. Why, then, are the honey berry shots in your story treated as perfectly normal and acceptable?
As for the shipteasing, come on. She's a millennia-old alicorn princess, he's a colt of... seven years? Eight? They're so far removed from each other that it makes no sense for anypony to even think about shipping them, or at least not to voice those thoughts out loud (like Pip's classmates and Pinkie do).
There are some references to things that shouldn't exist in that universe ('legs like a human', 'Spanish guitars') unless this is secretly some kind of weird crossover / HiE fic.
On a stilistical note, cut out the fake-British clichés, like 'blimey', 'guv'nor', 'evah' and 'chaps'. Those are already extremely cringeworthy to me; I imagine it'd be even worse for anyone actually from Britain.
Your grammar is generally correct, but every now and then you slip into the past tense. If you're going to write in the present tense, be consistent about it.
Your primary concern, though, should be to make this more of a story, and less of a showcase for cool things.
Signing off,
Midnight Rambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman
5431479
Still, I know it's good for me.
Whew! I knew I was taking a risk when I requested for a W.R.I.T.E. review. Buuuut...this is what the doctor ordered. I just wish a gentler nurse administered it.
At last,
(General comments about the fic)
This feels like a good 'light hearted, slice of life' fic rather than a 'dark' fic. Sure, there's the bit at the end, but it's not the main feature of the story till the end, right?
Changing the title seems to be of most importance. Setting a good first impression to your authors is always handy, and for the majority of the fic there is no 'revelation' to be had. It's just a theatre-outing and talking about it at school.
If you label this as 'revelations' as it is, then it feels like it took you 20k words to get to the 'revelation', without any context on it.
You know what? A reason 'why the plot point at the end happens' would probably be a 'revelation'. Therefore, explore that in your next book, call that one revelation, call this one 'Pip's Spiffing Theatre Adventure!' or something, have the 'revelation' be the part at the end that no one expects, which gets people to read the next one.
Other than that, minor errors, a couple of 'OOC' character interactions, a bit of repeated exposition, but nothing that can't be fixed.I'd say your use of words such as 'fellowship' and 'My dear Pip' were a bit weird, but likewise, they can be fixed.
I'd say one of the main issues I have with it.... is context.
We are just supposed to assume Pip likes Luna and Luna likes Pip, no questions asked?
It's very weird. Especially since they have so little dialogue in the show together, and we're now meant to assume they just love each other to bits. Or, that's what I think I'm meant to assume, anyway. They certainly act like it.
There should be some reason for her to call him over, some reason why she acts so...strangely kindly to him. Like I said several times, it's as if they are dating.
And they're not, right? Please say they're not.
Don't be afraid to correct me. I'm a reader, and this is what a reader's perspective of your story looks like. Therefore, I probably got some stuff wrong, and it's up to you (and if you want some help, me too) to make it so that what you're saying is what is in the fic.
5437186
I love the questions and things you said, like the context and such. So it means I am definitely on the right track. As you have noticed, the title is Revelations BOOK 1. It's just book 1 of Pip's perspective.
Are they dating? Why does Pip like Luna and vice versa? Nice! You might consider this a "date," but in a more innocent context, like a family going out for Valentine's day or something.
I'm definitely going to look at those OOC interactions.
There's another character perspective in book 1, and that is Octavia's. I could have edited Octavia's POV first so that it would have been the first story, but Pip's is more "on the ground." The "Revelations" bid gets more and more as the story moves into book 2, 3, and so forth.
Your input is invaluable because it definitely tells me that I am on the right track - I got the audience (you, at least) to ask the right questions. Yes!
Aaaand now I'm wanting me and my editor to work on Octavia's POV of BOOK 1 again.. It's editing has been put on hold in favor of the fic I made of her OC. I've finished writing a character's POV for BOOK 2, and actually kept on writing. So now I have a bit of another character's POV of BOOK 3.
Again, thank you.
I really liked your fic by the way.
You got Pip's reaction spot on, and that made it enjoyable to read. The only problems that I found were you chapter length, and the links.
As for the length, you should think about combining your chapters; it'd make your story smoother to read. I'd recommend keeping with the same chapter until a break in the timeline of your story, or around major points in your plot. Don'y worry about making your chapters too long, there are a lot of fics out there with really long chapters/
For the links, they just need to be removed. Most will ignore them (I did), and they'd interrupt the flow of your story anyway, and they also cheapen the feel of your story. To tell the truth I would've liked to read more of Pip's reaction to the songs. Also, from the rest of the story, you have shown more than enough skill to do without.
Overall, your story was a great first shot, and a very enjoyable read!
5469776
Thank you. Your comment makes me smile.
I...I got Pip's reaction spot on? Oh...my.
So yeah, I will focus on the main character's reactions.
I will definitely take into account the suggestions you have given. I have, actually. Book 2 - Luna's POV, does not have any links to youtube vids, and i don't know if i will add or not.
Would you mind putting your reply in the fic's comment section? I'm trying to keep all comments (good and bad) there for proper comments archiving.
5590997 Thank you. Your perspective gives me a clue into what I may be able to do. (I'm so much in the dark that I doubt my own abilities, let alone develop them)
Much appreciated.
6266143 I had an editor. She was good with a lot of technical stuff. But apparently 1 wasn't enough in my case. Plus I kinda shocked her with the last two chapters.
Also, isn't it pretty obvious that the one talking, most of the time, is Pip?
An example of the "poor English" would be appreciated,too.
This series is effectively on-hold, and I am working (with editor/s and proof and prereaders) on other stories to gain much needed experience.