Two years after becoming an Alicorn, the Celestial sisters have given Twilight a whole different kingdom to rule. However as she works to restore the city something begins to stir. An ancient secret that has been waiting all this time now awakens.
Back in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash has suffered a terrible accident and her ability to fly has been reduced. After losing her dream to become a member of the Wonderbolts Rainbow Dash has resorted to drinking away her sorrows with hard cider. However she will soon find herself on a journey, which will intertwine with that of her friend Twilight Sparkle and the terrible secret hidden in the Mirror-Stone Wasteland.
The cover image was created by: AppleStixTime.
Link to AppleStixTime's original image: HERE!
4871552
I haven't read your story yet, but no one is obligated to give you anything -- not even an explanation.
And downvotes aren't always an indication of trolling.
4871691 Perhaps you are right (more then likely you are). Still I would like to at least know what I did wrong.
No such place. I'm assuming you meant Sweet Apple Acres.
That's not really how it happened. And at the time, the three tribes were completely segregated, so the Unicorn Kingdom didn't consist "largely of unicorn ponies", it was all unicorns.
The singular of "pegasi" is "pegasus".
She took classes at the School for Gifted Unicorns, so it's very unlikely she would have met a pegasus there.
I'd have to do some checking to be sure, but off the top of my head, I can't think of any canon ponies with hyphenated names.
And Pinkie Pie most definitely does not have a hyphenated name.
Your bio says you're not a brony, so I'm thinking maybe a failure to do research has something to do with those downvotes. I'm sorry to say that it's a large part of why I'm giving one. My suggestion: start watching the show, or at least spend some time reading through the wiki.
4871827
Thank you. The changes have been added to the story.
Now I actually did/do use the wiki. However there are times it doesn't cover things in as much detail as I would like.
I actually have watched the show up to the season 4 finale, however in my opinion that still doesn't make me a Brony. :)
I am returning the favor for you reviewing my story, Washed Away.
Grammar:8/10
Pros
1. I liked your OC's names. They were very creative.
2. Your references were good, like when Amethyst Pie showed up and wanted a rock farm.
3. The Mirror Stone Empire was a good headcanon. I liked how you tied it in with the canon.
4. Your canon characters were on-spot.
Cons
1. Your grammar wasn't the best. (Sorry, found a few mistakes but can't think of them off the top of my head.)
2. There was one reference, about Twilight and Fire, that was off.
3. Explain your OC's appearence a bit more. Give us readers a better vision of them.
Personal Thoughts
1. You better make Claudia turn into a scary monster that tries to kill Twilight (I've only read this chapter so far, and will try to read more later on.)
2. I like how you made Trixie and Twilight friends. I've always wanted to do that in a story, but haven't found the place for it. (I can't seem to write one-shots or stories that aren't multi chapter or don't have romance or adventure in them)
3. Sorry if this was a bad review, I am horrible at these things.
I give you 3/5 creepy pinkies:
-Lyralover_777
4877173
Hey no problem I thought your review was pretty good. I assume you picked chapter 01 right?
This next section is just me addressing your points:
Con1: Agreed. I hope to find someone to proof read it for me at some point.
Con2: If it comes to mind which one please let me know as it will make it easier for me to fix.
Con3: That is a good point. I will try to go back and fix that.
PersonalThought1: Shhhhhhh! You might spoil something!
PersonalThought2: I am glad you liked it. Every time I wrote Trixie I was afraid she would feel out of character.
Again it was a great review and I will be looking forward to seeing any other chapters you write for your series in the future.
Okay, I'll be doing reviews for as long as I stay interested, which, hopefully, is the whole story. I am actually an editor, so this review might have a lot of stuff.
First, the description and cover:
The title picture is actually pretty impressive. My only recommendation for AppleStixTime is to not mess with the occlusion/shading unless they plan on spending a lot of time on it. I'm not sure what angle the light is coming in on Twilight, and since the rest of the picture lacks shading for the most part, she looks out of place.
Everyone on this site already knows this, so it's not necessary. Or is it a new kingdom?
Comma after 'however'. Though, if you're gonna remove the last sentence, just remove 'however' entirely.
Remove 'that'. With it, what you wrote isn't a proper sentence. For example, here is a similar 'sentence': "A dog that has slept."
Comma after 'Back in Ponyville'.
'Rainbow-dash' doesn't need to be hyphenated. Her name is spelled, "Rainbow Dash".
'rainbow maned pony' isn't necessary. I mean, you don't say "brown eyed girl" in real life, do you?
Also, wow, that is depressing. You need to leave that there if that's a major part of your story, but you're gonna need something good to counteract that. 'Fate has other plans', is definitely not good enough.
'Plans that will intertwine with her friend.' isn't a sentence. There is a subject, but no verb. For example, you wouldn't just say: "Snack that will be good."
Were these sentences supposed to lessen the impact Rainbow Dash drinking? Because they didn't.
Please keep these to the Author's Notes section. The description is a great place for giving credit though.
Here's an example of a description that could be much more attention catching:
Honestly, if I weren't reviewing, I would have skipped this fic because of the description and picture. I'll read chapters one and two since I'm obligated, but you need to find some writing and grammar games.
On second thought, those are pretty hard to find, and so are good teachers, so here you go:
quiz-like:
http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/dynamic_multiple_choiceB2.html
http://www.majortests.com/sat/reading-comprehension.php
http://www.majortests.com/sat/critical-reading.php
http://sat.collegeboard.org/practice/sat-practice-questions
https://www.khanacademy.org/test-prep/sat/sat-reading-writing-practice
http://www.majortests.com/sat/grammar.php
https://sat.collegeboard.org/practice/sat-practice-questions-writing/sentence-errors
games:
http://www.sundhagen.com/babbooks/adlib.cgi
or other ad/mad libs.
You could search grammar games if you want more game-like things, but most of what I found was less than helpful. If you have an idea for a game though, I might be able to make one.
Don't let this get you down though! If you practiced story writing every day while also playing those games, then after a few months of writing you might be one of the better writers on this site!
Edit: the most important thing for improving is getting quick feedback. So you'll need a proofreader if you really want to improve quickly.
Sorry, I couldn't read two whole chapters. I skimmed half the first one and most of the the second one.
The grammar isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, but you still have room for improvement.
And without further ado:
Rating: 3/10
Pros:
1. The pacing is nice and slow, which is great for getting readers involved in the story.
2. The mare in the obelisk was kind of interesting. I wanted to know more about her.
3. You clearly put a lot of effort into this.
Cons:
1. The premise of your story goes directly against the premise of the show. Friendship is magic, and Twilight is the princess of magic/friendship, so moving her away from her friends for such a long time would not be a good move. Also, Spike burning down Apple Acres isn't a good enough reason for him to leave his only sister along on her long journey, especially since that place breaks every week or so. (Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit, but still.)
2. The speech is too formal to be normal speech. Can you hear the characters saying what you're writing? It sounds strange to me when I hear them speaking.
3. I can't see anything! You're telling a lot of stuff, not showing. It's hard to comprehend that though, so here's something to help: http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/showing-vs-telling-in-your-writing
Get some editors, and only bother writing one chapter before sending it to your editors, otherwise they won't read it. (Source: I've had editors before.) Most good editors won't even read more than a certain amount of words anyway.
4902797 Well, thank you for your help. I will be looking forward to the review you have for one of my chapters.
4903040
Already did one.
4903040
I reviewed, but this isn't a very good format for me.
Despite how negative my review was, your story does have the potential to be both mysterious and interesting. If you want, I could be an editor, but I'm going to limit myself to one chapter per week.
4903096
Well, I suppose one editor is better then no editor but first I need to check with someone who had recently proof red the first chapter of my story. Just to see if he wishes to continue to proof read it or not.
I will let you know as soon as I receive a response from him. Thank you very much for your help.
4903150
You're welcome.
4903150
You--
Did you seriously just paste my alternate description after your first sentence!?
It was an example, it's not something that you wrote and you didn't give credit, which means you're plagiarizing, and it doesn't even mix with the first sentence there!
4903372 Sorry I thought you had gone through and had fixed it for me. I didn't realize you didn't want me to use it.
This has been fixed and has been replaced with a new one. Sorry about that.
4903421
Oh, yeah, I only give examples. I'd be a terrible editor if I just said to use my writing instead.
Thanks for fixing it. I wasn't really angry by the way, more just suprised. Plagiarism is some scary stuff if you get caught doing it. If you were in college, you could get expelled, and if you were in a job related to writing, you could lose your job. Both of those could happen with just one instance of plagiarism.
Edit: just read the new description. There are a couple grammar problems, but focusing too much on that would just get frustrating.
This is your first story, so don't expect it to be perfect immediately, but feel free to rewrite your description later if you want to or if your story changes enough. I prefer to think of this site as a way to learn how to write better than most of your colleagues.
4903096 So I talked with my proofreader and he said he is going to be a little busy so I guess it okay for you to be my editor.
4905506
You know it's okay to have multiple editors/proofreaders, right? No one's gonna hunt you or anything.
4905543 Well, I figured it would be okay but I didn't want to offend him anyway so I asked and he said it was fine.
4905585
Oh, okay. It's always nice to be polite.
I would like to proofread too. After all, even the description is cruddy
4907016 Feel free to do so and PM your findings back to me so that I may fix the grammar issues without clogging up the comment section.
Sorry if that this took so long and is short. I just have a busy life and two stories to update, as well as a hundred stories in my read list. So dun dun duh...
Pros:
1. Your canon was again interesting, as in last chapter.
2. I felt a little scared at the beginning. That is good, making the readers feel something.
3. Your effort levels are amazing. I am amazed at myself when I can do two chapters in a day, but you did 7?! HOW?!
Cons:
1. The grammar wasn't the best. (But not horrid.)
2. Give us, the readers, more detail. Spice it up so we can have a better mental picture!
3. The speech is a tad formal. I know that Fire Stride is talking to a Princess, but don't they know each other? Shouldn't they talk more causally?
Thoughts:
1. Why didn't you turn Claudia into a monster? I was convinced that they would reach the library and Claudia would attack Twilight! It would have been very entertaining.
2. I would love if you would review the next chapter of my story. It should be out in the next few days. Your reviews are amazing and I look forward to reading them.
Overall Score: I give you 3/5 creepy pinkies:
Keep writing wonderfully!!!!
4911607 Truth by told it actually took me longer then one day to write all 7 chapters. I originally posted these chapters on DeviantArt and after posting the 7th chapter I decided to post them here. However thinking back on it I probably should have just posted them one at a time as opposed to all 7 at once.
Con1: if you have the chance to just point me at what needs fixing that would be great.
Con2: more details. I will work on it, any suggestions on what you think should have more details will be welcome.
Con3: yeah people have told me that. I will try to go make and see if I can make it more casual. Yes, they do know each other to a certain extent. They are old friends but just to make things clear (if they are not already) there is no chemistry between the two of them (not that I assume you thought that just I figured I should get that out of the way). Fire Stride is happily married and loves his family so he enjoys talking about them when he is away from them.
PersonalThought1: Everything comes at its own time.
Also I will be looking forward to your next chapter.
This is a review for this chapter. It may contain spoilers, so do not read if you have not read the third chapter yet.
Don't tell Trixie haters.
Grammar: 8/10 (I will send you a message of the errors I found.)
Pros:
1. The details in this chapter were more plentiful than in the last. I had a good mental picture of the underground chambers.
2. Your oc names were again inventive. Is Jerrod a kind of stone? If the answer is obvious, sorry. I'm not the best with memorizing facts and info.
3. Your use of things from the show was pleasing. (AKA the Orthros.) the spells Twilight created are also enjoyable. I love too create spells in my stories
Cons:
1. I did not understand how the excavation team set up all that in a few days. It seems a bit far-fetched. I know a person who recovers artifacts. A dig would take longer than that. (EDIT: Reread and saw that it was a few eeks, not days.)
2. The grammar was a bit iffy. As said before, I will send you a message of the errors.
3. I doubt that the Orthros would be able to sense the protein in the oat burgers. (Just my opinion.) Maybe Twilight would find dog treats or some other food that is more fitting for a carnivore.
Thoughts:
Is the Orthros an agent of whatever evil/bad character is going to show up soon? Huh, huh, huh?
Again, I like how you changed Trixie for the better
I also love this story so much! Again, sorry if this is a bit short. My reviews will never be anything compared to your epic reviews that take up a whole screen. (And that is certainly not a bad thing.)
4982893
Pro1: Thank you I am glad I did a good job with that. I was a bit worried about it.
Pro2: To be honest I just came up with the name off of the top of my head. I don't know if it has anything to do with a stone or not.
Con1: I thought I made it clear that they uncovered the area and that most of was in descent shape but perhaps I didn't. I'll go back and see if I can fix that bit.
Con2: And I look forward to making changes to improve the grammar. Thank you for your help.
Con3: Well, dogs do have a good sense of smell so it is possible that an Orthros might be able to smell it. Do keep in mind that a lot of modern dog food brands use Soy bean as a major source of protein.
No, the Orthros isn't evil.
To be honest some of the elements of my story are based off of other games I like such as haunting grounds. Originally it was supposed to just be a dog but after I saw the episode with the Orthros I know I couldn't settle for anything else.
Yeah I like Trixie too and I hope that she returns as a redeemed character in season 5.
Once again thank you and I will be looking forward to the next chapter of your story too.
Chapter 08 is finally out.
Review for Chapter 4 of The Mirror Stone Wasteland
Pros:
1. You had me believing that Twilight was about to be attacked in her hallucination. Which leads us to our second pro...
2. You had me scared and on the edge of my seat. I was screaming "No! Twilight! You can't die yet!" for a long time and my dog came in and looked at me weird..
3. Descriptions in this chapter were once again more plentiful. Better mental image. I got the best mental image from the diamond dog/shadow (bicorn, I'm guessing. Don't tell me if if I'm right.)
Cons:
1. It seems you have changed Jerrod"s name to Jerrode in this chapter... Consistency, Gray! Sorry. Just had to say that.
2. Grammar again was a bit iffy. Several examples were Jerrod''s name and(quote)
This should be ended with a question mark.
/
3. Is it possible for Twilight to do magic and use a first aid kit on a hurt mare while still sleep walking? I'm no sleep walker, so if you can do that while sleep walking, I would love to be a sleep walker. I could do my stories all day and night with out having to be awake! Double win!
Personal Thoughts:
It also seems that you have changed the shadow(bicorn?)'s gender. In the story it said it was a filly, but in the Author's Notes it said it was a colt. So which is it?
From the quote at the top of the chapter it seems that Celestia and Luna know of all of the shadow bicorns and masked diamond dogs... and they sit on their e fat plots. It might be needed for your plot, and I'm not hating on your story, but really? The two most pwoerful ponies in the world can't dstand against it? How can Twilight? (Don't tell me if she is somehow related to a super pony from the past or something.)
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter.
I hereby give to you: Four out of Five Pinkamena faces!
5064939
My responses to the review.
To Pros 1 & 2: I am glad I got that reaction. It means I did my job well.
Pro 3: I do my best.
Con1: I must have made a mistake with the previous chapter. Original his name was to be Jerrod, however later I decided to change it to Jerrode. I thought I have gone back and fixed that but I guess I didn't go back far enough. This shall be fixed.
Con2: I will fix that. If you found any other grammar issues please send me a PM alerting me to them.
Con3: Well, she is an alicorn as well as the element of magic so could be possible. The question is do you think Twilight was really sleep walking. She might have very well been awake.
Personal thought: As for the colt/filly part I don't know too much about horses (as a result mlp has also been rather educational for me) but it is supposed to be a colt (a male) as opposed to a filly (which apparently is female), this shall be fixed.
As for the two celestial sisters they will in fact have a more vital role later in the story. However I can't give away too much about that.
I am glad you enjoyed the chapter and I will be working on a review for your next chapter soon. Thank you for all your help.
Good story, but it's a wall of text. Try to space paragraphs more.
noooooooo, please finish it :/
7207073 I mean the only reason I kind of stopped was because I felt the original story I was going for was a bit too cliche. I mean at one point their was going to be a ship (which I am no longer a fan of shipping) and I just felt like I was deviating from my roots.
Now if a lot of people harass me about it I suppose I could try to return to this project, but at this point there are so many other things I am working on (like the Smiling Stallion) that it might be a while before I return to it.
But thank you for letting me know that you enjoyed it.
ok ,i just, this story looks realy interesting, but ok and i hope you'll come back to this story and you will finish it ;)