Chorus of Lament: The Embrace
A crossover fan fiction
Equestria is not what you think. The legends from the time before Celestia and Luna's harmonious rule seem all but forgotten now in the hearts and minds of ponykind. Many of these technicolour citizens are comfortable in the ignorant life they live. They etch out an existence with little more then a mark on their flank to guide their path. Some of them even experience the magic of friendship, unaware of how obliviously numb they are to the dark world the exists beneath the surface. These ponies are the lucky ones, fated to be born, to live, and to die without catching so much as a glimpse of the insidious horror that dwells in the dark corners of their fair country. This however is a story of those who were not as lucky.
After Scootaloo goes missing, the ponies of Ponyville find the idyllic world they knew before slipping away. As the mystery grows and friendships are tested, the mane six are plunged into a world of darkness from which there is no escape.
"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" the television series is property of Hasbro
"World of Darkness" the pen and paper role playing game is property of White Wolf Publishing
Allow me to be the first to comment! You are my new best friend! Not sure if the first person to write World of Darkness or first to find, but SUPER YAY!
Are you going to cover the Kindred? The Awakening? Sin Eaters? OR ALL OF THEM!?!
Are you going full-awesome and include all sub-speices as well? (Kindred: 5 clans; Mage: 5 Paths etc.)
Commanding officers gave their orders to their subordinates, and they intern (while the Interns) organized the volunteers, (.) but as (As) the sun began to rise on the morning of day three, exhaustion was clear and heavy in the air and in the eyes of everypony. Grim mummers (murmurs) of fading hope for young Scootaloo slithered between ears and spirits began to dampen in the cold morning dew.
Across from her, on the other side of a fold-out desk covered in scrawled notes and reports sat Lieutenant Keen Eye, (. An) an ash grey unicorn clad in his armored uniform, the ranking officer commanding all the guards assigned to Ponyville.
Absolutely NOT! You're wasting your time and your wasting mine! (remove) Scoot is still out there and you're gonna sit there at your desk, messing around with papers, calling her a victim like she's already gone, and point your hoof at me!?
This brew helps the drinker piece (pierce) the vial, and see the world in true detail."
The story’s pacing is magnificent! A little fast but not too much, grabs attention and holds it there. The “intervals” are quite thought provoking, I for one enjoy it. Hope you pull it off to a conclusion point. The feelings are genuine, they speak their minds and argue realistically, referring to the spat between Rainbow & Twilight.
Your wording is well placed and not out of context. I’m not an expert in sentence construction but you managed to shorten the sentences later in the chapter. You carry ideas or meaning more effective now. I’m excitingly hanging on to every word! The suspense is killing me, even now that I’m done reading it. Hope you update soon. Magnificent job on the plot so far, even if it’s only for an Introdution.
You have my Fav, Follow & thumbs up. Plus some grammar stuff and complements!
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Thanks so much for the interest in this, and thanks for taking the time to point out some of my less then stellar editing. Unfortunately I don't really have many acquaintances who would be willing to proofread for me, so I'm stuck for now relying on the kindness of strangers for that.
I'm planning for this to be a decently long running series, with "The Embrace" maybe even being but the first in a number of stories all focusing on the mane 6's decent into different aspects of the World of Darkness. There is so much content in WoD to work with that I have no doubt I could keep generating ideas on how it could interestingly interact with the world of MLP. That being said I'm going to take it slow at the start, and handle WoD tropes that are more accessible to non-WoD fans at first instead of driving into to all the crazy all at once.
That being said, any World of Darkness player worth their salt should be able to guess what direction this particular story is going by its title, but don't give it away for anyone who doesn't know!
Any reason why this doesn't have an adventure tag?
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I suppose it's mainly because of my interpretation of the word adventure not really fitting with this story, if they had a Mystery tag I would definitely give this story that.
Are we not suppose to know who's talking here?
3941162 A proofreader? I'll do it.
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Right at the beginning, no you don't know. Though those asides are eventually explained, I promise you.
As for proofreading, if you are interested in doing so, feel free to PM any technical errors you come across to me. I'd like to try and keep the drier discussion of spelling and grammar in PMs and not in story's comment section. Any assistance you can render is very much appreciated!
3941837 ...Why can't you just use google docs?
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I have absolutely no experience using Google docs, but from the sounds of it, I should find the time to learn how it works if it makes proofreading easier for others to do.
3941978 Ask The Albinocorn for help.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
So how soon until the next chapter comes out?
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I'll take a look at Google docs myself. Thanks for the recommendation but I'm sure I can make head or tails of it if I just take the time to learn it.
As for EQD, I was considering it, but at this point I want to have more of the story completed before I vie for more exposure.
And as for part 2, I've been working on it pretty sporadically over the last few days, mainly because the only time I have to really sit down and sink my teeth into it is the weekend. Thankfully it's Friday today and the decently positive reception this has received so far has given me a little shot of motivation to keep at it.
I'm trying to put money in the disc tray of my laptop. Is it working? * shoveshove * Are you getting it?
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Haha! Thank you for trying, but if you really want to do something nice for me then all you have to do is pass this story on to anyone you think would enjoy it! :D
I am loving this story so far, keep it up. Defiantly deserves more views and ratings then it has.
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Thanks so much!
Glad you enjoyed it, I'm trying to push myself to get the next part out before the end of February. Gotta make goals for yourself!
Part 2 is up and ready for reading! Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy it!
well.... i did not expect that
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The World of Darkness is not a nice place.
I must say, given your current avatar picture, I feel pretty guilty for not providing you with something happier to read. Sorry little tiny foal Fluttershy!
4019175 at 1st i was like no don't kill scoots but now that has changed i mean i don't want her to die but ugh its confusing lol
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Stay tuned for part 3! dun dun DUN!
Yes. Thankfully the 2nd part came out.
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Hope you enjoyed it!
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I did it was fantastic
Yay! 1st, update! 2nd, Dramatic change in the story! 3rd, still as excited to read it since the first! Not to be a ball breaker, but I like the longer chapters. It feels like pulling its weight more effectively. You writing style is detailed and covers a multitude of finer language words that describe a situation. It does wonders for your story and grabs one's attentive thoughts adequately.
Anyhow as long as you keep doing this great of a work and enjoy it, its all good.
Just so you know, it's spelled Zecora, not Zacora.
Rarity's mane is purple.
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She was actually brushing her hoof through Fluttershy's mane in an effort to calm her down. I changed the pronoun to Fluttershy's name to eliminate confusion.
As for Zecora, you got me there. I'll have to do a full find and replace for that one when I get the chance.
Hey, any reason why you're not using google docs yet?
Greetings fellow friend! Just a pop in to say hi! Great luck on your story.
Should be "matted".
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Heya! Thanks for all of the support! Part 3 is just around the corner! Hope you like it!
YES, IT IS NOT DEAD YET :D
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Haha! Had you wondering, did I? Don't worry, if this story dies out I'll make a post telling people
Greetings fellow friend of Darkness! I shall peruse your word with all the lights off. Off I commence...
Damn worth the wait. Thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. It was quite thrilling to have Twilight underestimate Keen Eye's alarms.
Although she had the most perfect plan (according to the story), she can still make a mistake. I'm glad you keep a feel of realism
to your story (despite it being fiction). Gathers more tension and appreciation in that manner.
Lore wise:
Was Willow a Malkavian for using Hysteria on Scootaloo?
Fighter would probably be Gangrel for changing his libs into "claws"?
Wind just sound too much like Damsel in VTMB, so I'm assuming Brujah?
Suggestion:
Wouldn't it have been super if Scootaloo have Embraced Rainbow Dash? You could have built a story how the inseparable duo
survives the Kindred society. Just an idea. Still wish to know how your story is going to play out.
Last but not least:
Still love your story and still rooting for your writing. Apart from some grammar issues, it flows well. Keep awesome and have fun writing.
I'll be happy to hear some of your ideas if you want someone to bounce it off on.
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Heya! Glad you're still so interested in this! You're like, my original fan!
I suppose I can slip a few details for the WoD nerds:
This story operates using NWoD or (New World of Darkness, the more recent edition of the pen and paper game. As such, there are only 5 Kindred clans, (Deava, Gangrel, Mehket, Nosferatu, and Ventrue.) with the other clans from the older edition of the game (like Malkavian, Brujas, Tremere) existing as branching bloodlines from those 5 main clans. For the purpose of maintaining a realistic scope of the story, I'm only going to explore those base 5. I have a lot of ground to cover and although Vampire: The Requiem is the game I'm most familiar with, it's far from the only games I'm going to be exploring in this series.
Willow Wisp was actually a Deava. Deava's are known to be the emotionally manipulative, passionate vampires. They maintain a close tie to their former humanity, (ponyanity) and it gives them more skill with interacting with mortals and Kindred alike. As she was the sire of Scootaloo, Scootaloo is also a Deava.
Fighter Flight is indeed a Gangel, the same rough and noble brutes from the first edition of the game, and Wind Shear is in fact, another Deava, brought on by Fighter especially for this bounty because of how Kindred of the same clan can all supernaturally scene one another, and used her to track her down.
Scootaloo had been the target of a number if different Vitae powers from the Majesty discipline, the Deava's signature abilities of which Willow was skilled in, but on top of that she had also been afflicted with the Vinculum, the supernatural enthrallment that occurs when a mortal or Kindred drinks the Vitae of a specific Kindred multiple times. All of which wore off upon her Final Death.
I most certainly did consider the idea of Scootaloo embracing Rainbow but I decided it didn't work for a number of reasons.
1. I don't feel like fledgling Kindred like her have the to practiced control over the Blood necessary to perform the Embrace. Scootaloo barely understands what she is at this point.
2. Quite honestly, I didn't want to have so many of the characters to all be over one clan, if Scootaloo embraced Rainbow then Rainbow would have become a Deava as well.
3. Those two can still share a story together if they are of different clans, in fact, I'm writing that story right now~!
Thanks so much for continuing to support my writing. We should trade skype and talk all nerdy sometime!
4314060 Hello! I guess I'm still lacking in the NWOD 'verse. Still Oldskool, ha hah ha. I'll try and follow it up on a later date. I'm assuming that Toreador would then be the branching of Deava. Makes sense in that manner. Anyhow thanks for the update & will be researching nerdy things in order to grasp your story better with those 5 clans. Thanks for the heads-up.
This is so awesome
I loved every single part of it you are such a talented writer I can't wait for more! Keep up the fabulous work : raritystarry:
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Thanks so much! Glad you're enjoying it.
I have take a little break just because part 3 was so massive, but I'll be back into the swing of things soon.
4324325 That's so wonderful but don't rush yourself I don't wanna push you
Can't say I would be super happy to see an update tho :rrainbowlaugh: 
....What kind of sick piece of fuck kidnapped Scootalo?
(Seeing as this is in the Vampire folder of Supernatural Creatures, it should be obvious when coupled with the blood everywhere....)
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You're right. It should be obvious. Just remember though, in the World of Darkness, nothing is certain.
4333529 Heh. It's a vampire. (No using mind games on me!) Anyways, the Royal Gaurd will do fuck all against this threat without firearms of some sort. Nice story by the way!
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Muhahaha MIND GAMES for everyone!
Anyways, don't expect firearms to appear anytime soon, other then the World of Darkness influence, this is canon Equestria.
4336878 I know. I was just saying.
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No worries, just teasing! Glad you're enjoying the story!
4338045 It is very enjoyable, especially with the absence of vampire fics not written by a retard.