Chapter Three: The Dance Part 1/2
Today was the day of the dance. Obviously, you were excited as heck about it. Because of your marefriend, Snowdrop.
You used your hoof to straighten your bowtie on your tuxedo that you bought with your allowance that you saved up (You were saving it for something else, but you didn't care). Your mom walked into the room and saw you wearing it. "My little stallion is going to a dance" She said ruffling your mane a bit. You gave her an annoyed glance, you spent a long time trying to get your hair right. You sighed as you combed your mane once again. Your mom uttered a "Sorry" before walking out of your room. You looked at yourself in the mirror. 'Not bad, if I do say so myself' You thought to yourself as you smiled. You walked out of your room and went downstairs where you were greeted by your dad smiling at you and patting you on the back. "Try not to do anything serious, okay?" He said winking at you. You blushed realizing what he meant. "Dad! Th-that isn't going to happen! I-i'm too young!" You said with your face turning red. Your dad chuckled seeing this. "I'm just joking, sport. Have a great time there" He said patting you on the back again. You waved goodbye to your parents as you walked out the door. You started flying towards Cloudsdale. 'Wonder how Snowdrop's doing' You thought to yourself as you flew closer to Cloudsdale.
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Snowdrop was getting ready as well. Her mom helped her get dressed and helped her put some makeup on. Snowdrop didn't know what she looked like, so she turned to her mom. "Mom, do I look... nice?" She asked blushing a little. "Of course you do, honey. i'm sure that Thunder will love it" Her mom said kissing her on the forehead. Snowdrop blushed a little more after hearing that. "Uh... Mom?" She asked shyly. "Yes, Snowdrop?" Her mom said. "Could you help me... You know" Snowdrop said pointing at her eyes. Her mom realized what she meant. "Of course i'll help you get there, Snowdrop" Her mom said ruffling her mane a little.
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Wow, just wow. You never saw the school like this! There was decorative ribbons and balloons all about the perimeter of the school.
You heard some ruffling of wings and you turned to see... OHMYCELESTIA! Snowdrop looked amazing! "I-gee-wow" You stuttered as you walked up to her. Her mom giggled seeing you act like this. "Do you like it, Thunder?" Snowdrop shyly asked you. "Y-y-yes" You stuttered. Snowdrop blushed a little hearing this. Her mom giggled again. "I'll leave you two love birds alone" She said before flying away. You looked at Snowdrop for a second. "Wanna go in?" You asked her before grabbing her hoof. "S-sure" She stuttered. You smiled as you both walked inside the school.
You never saw the gymnasium look like this! It was littered with decorations and ponies dancing. You went over to the snack bar and grabbed two glasses of punch and walked back over to Snowdrop. You gave her a glass and you both drank the punch. "This is pretty delicious" You said after you were done drinking your punch. "Yeah, it is" Snowdrop said after finishing her drink as well. You looked around at the ponies dancing and saw you friend Freezy dancing with his crush. You smiled seeing this and you turned to look at Snowdrop. "Hey, Snowdrop?" You asked her. "Yes, Thunder?" She said. You grabbed her hoof. "May I have this dance?" You asked her. She blushed a little before nodding. "Yes, you may" She answered smiling. You walked her over to the dance floor and you both started dancing. 'Wow, she's pretty good' You thought seeing her dance like a pro. Suddenly a slow song played. You looked around to see ponies dancing close to eachother. You were surprised when you felt Snowdrop next to you. You looked towards her to see that she was smiling. You smiled as well as you danced with her. 'BEST. NIGHT. EVER!' You happily thought to yourself as you danced with her by your side. You danced and danced with her. That is until you felt something wham across your cheek. You fell down and you heard the music stop and you heard your classmates gasping. You looked up to see... oh no, not him!
"Well, well, well. If it isn't little Scarface and the blind wuss!" Leafstem smiled as he pushed Snowdrop, causing her to fall right on her haunches awkardly. "Leafstem" You growled as you got up. Leafstem turned to look at you. "I'm gonna kick your whiny ass, Thunder" He growled. "Oh crap" You heard Freezy say. Leafstem walked up to you. "I've been waiting to do this for Seven Bucking Years" He yelled hitting you across the face. You fell to the floor again, holding your nose. You looked down to your hoof to see blood.
You looked up to see Leafstem grinning. "Guess you're not gonna fight, loser" He said turning around and walking towards Snowdrop. He punched her in the face. Causing her muzzle to bleed. You were filled with anger seeing this. You slowly got up and looked at him. "Hey, Leafstem!" You yelled at him. He turned around and smirked. "Guess you're fighting then" He said smiling. "Give it your best shot, loser" He said before laughing. "I'm gonna send you to Tarturus!" You yelled running towards him with anger in your eyes.
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO...
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Still need to work on those errors, also you have some large text blocks that need breaking up. You should pay close attention in English class, maybe even ask your English teacher to give you a list of things to do when writing on the computer. Get a proofreader, and if you can't leave the story alone for a few minutes before posting (I know that's asking a lot for some writers, but leaving an unfinished work alone for at least 5 minutes will allow you to notice some of your errors). Also go back through your posted chapters and fix the errors you've noticed.
4943949 You know what? Not a lot of people give a crap about that. So basically, I just don't care.
4948891 okay, just trying to be helpful
4948891 im inclined to agree with a lot of what dracone said.
dont get me wrong, I do like this fic but I definitely think it could be improved by just fixing little grammar errors here and there and working on the spacing throughout the entire fic.
also the pacing in the story seems very rushed as one thing seems to happen right aftee another, leaving no breathing room for the characters and readers alike.
4949036 you did good though. I love it when people tell me what can I improve on with my works.
This story, my good sir, was GREAT! I am very much indeed looking forward to future chapters. and thats enough said
This is probably going to end up being deleted but here goes nothing.
This is going to be the set up for a bad joke, isn't it?
Yep, figures. Okay look. Jokes like this are fine if you set them up properly. As it stands the very first thing we know about "You" is that you called your mom a beast.
The only time I've ever see two yous and two yours together in a single sentence. I hope to never see it again.
What the what? There's no transition at all. Just cut from leaving the your home to ending a lecture. Please let this be a one time thing. And apparently, You slept through the lecture. Remember kids, unless your character is an egghead, they don't like school or talks about... anything really. Also, you have to fly up to Cloudsdale? You'd think most communities on the ground would have their own school instead of depending on a flying city.
I really wish people would look up the proper grammar for dialogue tags. It always bothers me a little to see she, he, or said capitalized after the dialogue. The rules aren't they complicated. Just skim over them. Then there's using ' marks for thoughts. Some people like ' marks and some like italics. Either way works. Regardless of that, you don't use special text to show thoughts in second person (or first for that matter). You just throw the thoughts out there into the narrative. It's one of the major style differences between second and third person pov. I'm going to stop focusing on grammar here and move on to content.
I oh so love that the only big of description we have for her is that she's stuck-up. You never gave an example of her being stuck up, described what she looks like, or hell, even used a name. No, she's generic stuck-up girl. I'm going to go out on a limb and say everyone but Snowdrop is going to be generic stand ins with no description.
Well, it's a good thing she's only known as your friend and not actually your friend, otherwise I'd think 'you' were a jerk to not even having a reaction to seeing her tear up. Don't give me the excuse that you didn't know. If you didn't, it couldn't be part of the narrative. We get another questionable OC name here, Freezy Frost. What's next? Lunar Moon? How about Wet Water? And shock of shockers, his special talent has to do with ice. Ice sculpting to be precise, which got capitalized for some odd reason.
I don't even get what's happening in that first sentence. He has a sword and slipped... then flipped... and someone it all made a straight line. Well, it's better than what I thought was going to happen after he slipped, considering the gore tag still hasn't had it's cause brought up yet.
And there's your third strike. Keeping two speakers in the same paragraphs before wasn't an accident, the writer doesn't know the rule about separating them. Then there's the stuck-up adjective again, though this time as a description for an entire group. Riddle me this, riddle me that, why are you lucky when all we know about her is that she's stuck up? Also, dude, you just called Snowdrop an it after ignoring her on the verge of crying earlier.
Translation: The conflict would be easily resolved if someone gave you a straight answer so you have to find ways around it. Celestia forbid you push for a straight answer out of your mom or Snowdrop.
Stop. Just fucking stop. This is exactly what you don't do in second person. The entire purpose of using that point of view is to put the reader in the shoes, or hooves in this case, of the main character. To get them to feel the same thing as the protagonist. But jumping to another character while steadily referring to the MC as you, you take the reader completely out of the experience. Only tell us what Slash sees, hears, does, and feels.
...huh? you were thinking about what your mother said and suddenly screaming about a dream? Quit it with the random damn jumps. If you were dreaming, tell us. And tell us what was in the dream. It doesn't have to be specific event, just a general idea. What you don't do is just have a sudden strong reaction and then not really tell us why.
Dude! What the fuck? I've pretty sure colts don't just go telling their mom that their boner is huge. There was nothing there to prompt you to say that. And you do it in such a nonchalant way. Damn colts these days, openly talking about boner size to their moms over breakfast. Why, back in my day...
Repeat after me: Sudden jump cuts are bad and I will not use them without indicating the end of a scene.
Why is the blind girl on a stray cloud? Shouldn't she be kept away from cloud edges when possible? Also, her being sad and alone on a stray cloud is taken straight from the Snowdrop animated short. One more thing, the writer is laying it on pretty thick with them being this grossed out by it.
You know what? For this one part, kudos. It's frustrating when stories drag on and on with characters that never want to come out and just tell each other how they feel to the point that it loses all tension and just becomes silly. The story sucked before this part and will likely suck after this part, but this was kinda good. Thank you for having her be direct.
What the hell is going on (I've had to ask this way too often in this story). First off, another sudden jump cut and secondly, dad out of fucking nowhere. Why is it a big deal that he's home now? Does he have to be away for days at a time? Are your parents divorced and he only visits once and awhile? If not that one, then why does he have to knock for his own home? Don't throw random, explained events at your audience and expect them to care. i can't give a fuck about his dad coming home if I never even noticed that his dad wasn't around or that you missed your dad. Damn, you made me go from praise to criticism right away.
It's a good thing you're planning on ditching her considering that the one and only part to her entire personality is that she's stuck-up. I mean, if there was more to her you would have said so, right?
Woah, time out. Snowdrop, you were fucking there to hear her asking him out. That was only yesterday. Why are you getting pissed? Give him a chance to actually talk to her about the change of plans before you go yelling at her. While they were yelling at each other, at no point did the teacher take notice what so ever. It was as if he simply ceased to be. He's flown off to join the choir invisible. This is an EX-teacher.
Because you didn't go yesterday to talk to her. Or tell her before class. Or tell her when your new girlfriend and her were fighting.
And now a blind girl was hit because you couldn't just tell Stuck-Up (who by the way did nothing wrong in the story up until this sudden fight) that you changed your mind. Way to go hero. Also, I don't think scars work they way. They're marks on your skin. To 'rip them open' would mean ripping the skin. If that's the case, dude, that filly hits hard. Oh and thanks for telling us about any marks on Snowdrop or her reaction to being hit. It really set the mood and showed why he had to jump in and take a punch for her.
Holy shit that filly hits hard! Someone needs to get her on a sports team or to join the guard, cause that's one strong girl. She took his ass out with one punch. And here's the cause of the gore tag, I guess.
Fuck if I know. I've had to ask what's going on during the story already. Your younger self gets flown up to Cloudsdale by your mom -- again, I question the logic of ponies living on the ground going to a school in the sky. He can't fly yet, huh? Sounds perfectly fine to make him stay in a city of clouds during the day.
Dun dun dun! The same bully from before is back, with revengance! Sorry, had to. Is Seven Bucking Years a band name or something? If not, it probably shouldn't be capitalized. Also, seven years he's been waiting... for what? One round of bullying gets broken up and this guy holds a grudge for seven fucking years? Seriously? And what was stopping him from doing this six years ago? Whatever. Yelling, fighting starts, chapter ends.
So many cliches, irrational behavior, characters with the personality of cardboard, you never even named the filly that asked him out, sudden jump cuts, little to no description most of the time, many instances of multiple speakers in the same paragraph, and just bad grammar in general. There is a lot that needs to be fixed in this story.
5080501 This is all I have to say to your criticism "..."
5083661
Y'know, just going to be helpful and point out, if you're not interested in criticism, you don't really need to act so standoffish about it. That's not exactly the best way to respond.
Are you okay? There hasn't been much activity from you for a while, and you don't seem to be taking kindly to some of these comments. If it's the stress of writer's block getting to you, I understand.
Just got an idea for a story: Luna is creating the night sky, special for her friend Snowdrop who she hears has a date to her school's dance, when she hears a report about something happening at Snowdrop's school (because Snowdrop is important to Luna, that's why Luna wants to know if anything happens to her), so then Luna rushes to the school to help her friend...
Hope you consider using this, and I hope it's enough to help with whatever's going on.
5112290 That idea is great, dude. I think my writer's block is over and i've been gone for so long because of school and stuff i've been working on (Like Gamejolt and Deviantart, and i'm having a hard time getting back into writing)
Not to be extremely offensive here or anything, but... WHAT THE HELL!?
a story centered around children doesn't need to include sex! a story centered around children doesn't need to be this fast! and most of all, my biggest pet peeve, I honestly don't feel any emotion when reading this. the entire time I read this story, top to bottom, the entire thing that went through my mind was how much of a mary sue you made me feel.
I honestly believe that there is SOME gold in this hill, but the execution of how its being mined out isn't being done too well.
6330866 Thank you for your input.
5080501
When you think it'll get deleted but is still there. LOL