2nd Person
You're name's Lightning Streak. You've known the Mane 6 for a long time, you helped them on all their adventures. And let's just say your popularity has increased 10-fold. You live next to Fancypant's mansion, and you've been friends since you were colts. He introduces you to one of his adversaries. And this Mare seems to have taken an interest in you. What shenanigans will you get into because of this? Guess you'll have to read to find out!
Cover Art by Blumagpie.deviantart.com
This story was written by TheLightning all the way up to Chapter Two: Love Triangle Much?. Check out his stories, they're really good.
Chapters (3)
short history... =(
The story is okay. I saw no grammar or spelling mistakes. But the story is really ruined when you mentioned the reader's name. If you are writing a 2nd Person story you should NEVER name the reader. It takes away the personal feel to it. The story is extremely rushed and the characters are nothing like they are from the TV show. I highly doubt Fleur De Lis would say "Screw it" even if she is flustered over a crush. The plot is okay but you've made many fatal mistakes.
5.7/ 10.0
4861311 T_T ...
I only found one spelling mistake,
as you rand the doorbell
as you rang the doorbell.
Didn't find any grammar mistakes either.
4861400 Fixed it.
You smiled the rest of the way
I assume you mean "You smiled the rest of the day". It seems that you were smiling for the rest of the time it took you to close the door, which usually isn't very long.
4861434 Fixed! :D
Ponies seem to develop crushes very quickly in your stories.
Keep it up.
You spelled prologue wrong.
Are you LightingStrike? I bet you're LightingStrike.
4861311
Your "review" is rushed.
The tags say 'alternate universe'
so your statement is invalid.
4861509 I've never heard of him.
4861560 Whatever, hater. Cause' I don't give a crap.
4861565
Wait why am I the hater here?
4861576 Sorry, I got confused there. Sorry.
4861311
naming the Reader is hardly the Problem, it just means that YOU have more personality than a Mannequin. the Protagonist Needs a Little bit of characterization too.
4861616 Preach, dude, preach.
4861560
Not sure how long you've been a member on this site, but the AU tag is generally used when a writer wants to bend, and in some cases, even break canon. A good writer can make it work without any issues, but most new writers use it as an excuse to justify their bad/lacking writing. I'm not a seasoned writer, but I've read enough books to have a pretty good idea of what works, and what doesn't.
Point is, people need to stop and think from the reader's perspective from time to time. It's great to write what one wants, but they need to remember that they're opening themselves to criticism by others when they publish stories here. Which means a writer needs to read anything and everything they can to get a sense of what works, and how a story is "assembled".
I'm not attacking or defending anyone, merely just stating what I know from my time and experience on the site.
Now that my rant is complete, I'm going to go enjoy a beer. Cheers.
4861688
Cheers mate.
I'll be a gentelman about this and say you could be right.
But the tag stands for an alternated (not sure if this is right im german) universe wich means anything from, lets say a war between luna's empire and celestias empire to diffrent behaviour or jobs characters have.
4861912
Now the settings and situations I'll completely agree with, for the most part (using it to make Cadence cheat on Shining pisses me off). It's people using it to take a known character and pull a complete 180 and write that character however they want, ignoring the characterization.
Granted, people are going to do whatever they want, but they need to take into account that they may receive hell from the more "serious" members in the fandom for doing these types of things. Take Dislestia for instance: many people are in an uproar because they outright hate the ship, not wanting to see Celestia (an unhealthy obsession for some) paired with Discord. Me? I could frankly care less; I despise Sparity, but I wouldn't start a riot if they made it canon. I'd be disheartened, sure, but it would motivate me to write about Spike being rejected by her.
Whew. Rant #2 finished. I need another beer...
4861957
Yeah I have nothing to say about that.
But your 'rants' sound more like opinions :)
With that ill go to bed because its freaking 3am here
"Okay. Thanks, Spike"
the comma makes it look like you slightly forget his name, putting a break in there. remove when you can.
You saw hew writing in her diary
You saw her writing in her diary.
Only mistakes I saw through here.
Quite a twist you put there. Finding out one of your friends is crushing on you when you go into their home and room without telling them your coming.
Twilight's busted.
4862261 Fixed it. And thanks.
Ok this is my honest opinion, good but needs some work.
First there is a lot of uneeded lines in the story, such as " You had no idea that he was introducing you to a Mare that had a crush on you." I get the point of the sentence, but it really isn't needed. Since you'll learn later on fluer has a crush on you.
You don't have to but I would try to read what you've written out loud or have someone else read it before you keep writing, lets you find errors and lines that can be fixed.
Also, this is just my personal complaint, there are little to no paragraphs! I just kept being ticked off that there is barely any. Idk if you wanted it like that or not, but that's just my own complaint.
I liked the story however, especially with the triangle shenanigans. ^_^
Since for some friggin reason I can't edit my comment before i'll just make another.
EDIT: Thank you for the Paragraphs in the third chapter, I also forgot to say the chapters are pretty short as well.
4862605 I half-like you comment, thank you for the part I like.
4862617 Your welcome and you try stretching out stories alot. It's kinda hard.
4862261
The comma is actually correct. When one character addresses another in dialogue, commas are needed to separate the terms of address from the rest of the sentence.
To give the classic example, it's the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma!" and "Let's eat Grandma!" One is a character expressing their desire to eat to their grandmother, where the other is a character expressing their desire to eat their grandmother.
4863480 Oh right. Forgot.
The grammar is decent, but the only problem I see is short chapters. It's not hard to expand on a scene if you know what you're doing. As a tip: Think about a scene you want to write and brainstorm on ways to write longer chapters.
Idea: You get back to Canterlot and tell Fleur about what happened while on your next date. She becomes jealous, and begins accusing you of weird stuff, like why you were in Twilight's bedroom.
4927503 Geez, how many ideas do you have?
4927833 Near limitless. Fortunately some of them are good.
This story feels extremely rushed. It's like this story is just trying to rush everything at once without too much plot development. Seriously, consider trying to reboot this story, it's a great concept, but the same can't be said about the pacing and development
6231689 Thank you for the feedback, it will be taken into consideration in future chapters.
6232866
Oh yeah! About future chapters...
FINISH THIS!!!!