Sleep. You didn't enjoy it when you had to go to bed, but you liked it in the morning. But a dangerous beast made you wake up...
"Thunder! It's time for school!" Your mom yelled from downstairs. You grumbled as you got up and went downstairs.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't mister sleepyhead" Your mother said when you entered the dining room. You rolled your eyes when she said that as you began to eat your breakfast. Once you were done with your breakfast you grabbed your backpack and ran off for school.
"Tell Snowdrop I said hi!" You heard your mom say. "Okay, mom!" You yelled back before you started flying up to Cloudsdale.
"...and that's how the the clouds we stand on are made" Your teacher said finishing her lecture. You slept the whole time she was lecturing before somepony tapped your shoulder. You looked up to see it was one of those prick fillies in your class.
"What?" You groaned.
"I was just wondering if you'd like to... Umm... go to the Dance that's happening this week?" She said blushing a little.
'Ahh, yes. The Cloudsdale Middle School Dance. You've heard about it happening this week and... Wait... One of the stuck-up fillies in your class asked you to the Dance!?' You thought to yourself jotting up in your seat. "Wait. You're asking me to the dance?" You said pointing your hoof at yourself.
"Y-yes" The filly said blushing even more. You were dumbfounded. One of the rich fillies in your class, who never bothered to talk to you, just asked you to the dance. "O-okay" You stuttered.
The filly smiled and mouthed 'Thank you' before turning back to look at your teacher. You seriously thought you were dreaming. A filly known as your friend, Snowdrop, slooped back in her seat after hearing you say yes to that other filly. A tear fell from her face.
After school you walked out of the school to be greeted by your other friend, Freezy Frost.
He had a Cutie Mark on his flank of a drill and an ice block. His special talent was Ice Sculpting.
You were pretty surprised when he slipped on the ice while holding a sword that was given to him by his father and saw him flip and make a perfectly straight line. You still haven't gotten a Cutie Mark, but that didn't bother you at the least.
"Hey, man! How was School?" He said walking next to you. "Well. I learned how clouds are made. Also I got asked to the dance by one of the stuck-up fillies" You answered. "Wow, dude. You are one lucky colt, my friend" He said patting you on the back. You smiled before noticing a pony walking by itself. You knew it was Snowdrop.
"Hey Snowdrop!" You said walking over to her. She noticed your voice and said "H-hi, Thunder". You got confused by this. She usually says that happily, but she's acting weird. "Is there something wrong, Snowdrop?" You asked her.
"N-no, nothing's wrong, Thunder" She said quietly, her cheeks Rose-Red. "Are you sure? You're acting pretty odd" You said. "Oh! Ummm.... Igottago, bye!" She quickly said before flying off. "That was weird" You said to yourself.
"Hey, Thunder!" Freezy said walking up next to you. You turned to look at him. "Yeah?" You said. "I gotta get home before mom yells at me. Seeya!" He said flying off towards his home. "Bye!" You said waving.
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"Are you okay Thunder? You haven't touched your dinner at all" Your concerned mother asked you. "Mom, can I ask a question?" You said looking up at her. "Of course you can, honey!" She said ruffling your mane. "Snowdrop's been acting weird lately, mom. Her cheeks have been turning red whenever I talk to her" You said.
You mother giggled at this before saying "I'm sure you'll find out soon enough" before patting your head. You were utterly confused by this. You went to bed thinking about what your mom said. 'I'll find out eventually? What does she mean by that?' You thought before falling asleep.
Back up at Cloudsdale...
Snowdrop was out on her cloud next to her house. She was thinking about you and what you said to that filly. She groaned because of this. 'What's wrong with me? I should be happy for him... But why do I feel like this?' She thought to herself.
"Snowdrop?" She heard her name being said by her mother. "Mom?" She said. "What are you doing out here, Snowdrop" Her mom said flying over to the cloud. "Th-thinking about something" She said blushing.
Her mom noticed this and smiled a little. "Something? Or somepony?" Her mom said laying down next to Snowdrop and putting her wing over her. "Umm... I-it's about Thunder" Snowdrop said. "I don't know why but at school today, I heard him getting asked out by one of the other fillies. And... I felt something" She continued.
Her mom smiled at this before saying "What did you feel?". "I-i don't know" Snowdrop said drooping her head down. "I think I know what you're feeling, Snowdrop" Her mom said. "R-really? What is it?" Snowdrop said putting her head back up. "Remember how I told you how I fell in love with your father?" Her mom said. "Y-yes" Snowdrop said, confused about where this was going. "I think you're feeling about him like I felt about your father" Her mom said.
"Y-you mean.. I'm in love with Thunder?" Snowdrop said with her face turning red. "Yes, Snowdrop" Her mom said nuzzling Snowdrop. 'I know everything now' Snowdrop thought to herself.
END OF PROLOGUE
There is one main problem. When you say "you" you probably mean Anon or Anon Pony. I can live with this deviation however you forget one thing that is a blatant reason to say this is rushed...
Snowdrop is blind... I can excuse some grammar but mistakes like that aren't nice at all.
4872459 Fixed it. I put heard instead of saw.
4872470 Serious question now. You tagged this fic with sex... Between two fillies i presume experimenting and stuff? What kind of ages do you picture them? In human years speaking.
4872509 I put that there cause' of some inappropriate stuff in future chapters. And they're in Middle School. Which means their age reigns from 12 to 15 years old. Stuff happens to your body during that time, okay?
Good setup. Interesting story idea. Excited about more from you.
4872529 Perfectly reasonable. But i dont think they are fillies anymore.
4872747 Meh, just winging it!
Audience:
Really, Really good I can't wait for more
4872783 Thanks, Rainboom!
No prob.
This chapter could go into a little for detail about things, it's very straightforward.
But anyways this is still a great story in its own rights.
hmm, I'm interested but honestly the formatting and some of the grammatical errors are really ruining it for me?
You say a lot of things without going into to a great deal of detail about any of them, so scenes that could fill paragraphs instead struggle to fill sentences.
That I can forgive as extending things can be hard for some people.
One thing that is really irking me however is how your dialogue is structured, and by that I mean, it's not.
Dialogue is supposed to be new speaker, new line. I would recommend reading the writing guide on this site if you haven't already as it would greatly improve his story.
However overall I think this story has excellent potential and defiantly has my interest
More. I must has D:
ErmahnerdI loved it and cant wait for more!!!!!
This is a nice story start. I noticed a few typos and errors. You need to start a new paragraph when you change speakers, it's a basic rule I remember from English and Computer class. Remember basics of writing and typing are your friend.
Well, as much as I like romantic stories such as these, I'm afraid this.... I don't wanna sound like an ashole, but this story needs a lot of work.
Specially the first chapter.
Though the plot and the idea for this story is great, both the pacing and formatting/grammatical errors are... wrong. Not in the 'completely useless' way, but more as in the 'not well executed/could be much better' direction. If you can, somehow, extend the whole concept and time it takes to develop each character (including the protagonist) and the relationship within the story more properly, you will get a much better result than the one you already have.
Like I said, instead of jumping from part to part just like that, take some of time to create a longer, yet understandable development for both the story and the characters themselves. Also, don't forget to check out Ezn's writing guide; it might help you in more ways than you think of it, because, let's admit it, this leaves a lot to be desired.
Other than that, good job!
Just make sure you correct this, 'kay? People get hooked in a story because of the first chapter. If you worked more on the later chapters, it won't matter if people inmediately ignore the fic by reading the first couple of paragraphs.
See ya around!
~Ashardu, prepotential writer and a knucklehead