Mayor Mare is sick of Twilight Sparkle's Crap

by TheBigStallowski

The bar

Mayor Mare is Fucking Done.

a novella a short story

A thing by:

TheBigStallowski

Before the defeat of Tirek, Ponyville was a city well-known for its beautiful mornings, but that was about it. Since the erection of Twilight Sparkle’s castle, however, there is now something to look at when the sun sets as well; the glittering branches and magical leaves of the Princess of Friendship’s new home, glistening in the moonlight like a polished gemstone.

All of Ponyville’s citizens bear witness to this spectacle of magical architecture, as it towers above and greatly outshines the homes and simple shops of the small town. It can be seen from everywhere, except for one tavern on the edge of town: “The Everfree Watering Hole”.

Ponyville’s residents have so far enjoyed seeing the marvel of Princess Twilight’s new castle, but in this lone tavern was the one mare who despised it. The old, begrudged mare sat on the stool at the edge of the bar; she was a popular face and the last thing she wanted was to be overwhelmed by ponies. It wasn’t a high priority anyway; she simply needed to get away from it all. She observed the old wooden fixture of the bar, running the tip of her hoof against its uneven surface.

“What can I get ya, Mayor Mare?”

Ponyville’s forlorn mayor barely made the effort to look up and acknowledge the bartender. “The usual,” she said as she continued running her hoof along the wood. Seemingly already prepared for that response, the bartender quickly made her a whiskey old-fashioned. Being from Baltimare himself, he did not learn precisely how to make the drink until moving to Ponyville to take over the Watering Hole.

Setting the glass on the table, Mare eagerly took the glass with her hoof and downed quite a large sip before clumsily slamming it back against the table. The bartender simply let out a sigh, placing his hooves on the bar.

“Alright, I know you told me not to ask, but I’ve noticed you’ve been coming here a lot more than you usually do in the past months. What’s going on?”

She looked up at him, a mix of anger and confusion in her eyes. “What’s going on?” Mayor Mare let out a light chuckle as she sat herself up straighter, no longer in a depressing slouch on the bar. “What’s going on? How long have you lived here in Ponyville?”

The bartender hummed, scratching the scruff of his muzzle. “Five years ago I came and took over the Watering Hole. Why?”

She adjusted her glasses, looking him square in the eyes. “Then you know what’s been going on. It’s the damned teacher’s pet! Or rather, ‘Her Royal Highness’ now.” She carried tired disdain in her voice.

Her words were met with a confused stare, followed by laughter. “Wait? You don’t mean Twilight Sparkle? The once harmless little unicorn–”

“Don’t you dare call her ‘harmless’!” hissed the angry mare, causing the bartender to step back in surprise. Mayor Mare had always seemed to have a calm, gentle demeanor in town and only a quiet, pensive attitude on nights at the bar. Angry drunks are far from out of the ordinary, but Ponyville’s mayor? He was hardly sure he was talking to the same mare.

Mare took a deep breath, beginning what would likely be a long rant. “I had a good thing going on. You remember your first couple years here? This was just a nice, quiet backwater town and everything ran smoothly. Sure, we would be a little late with Winter Wrap-up each year, but aside from that little bit of frustration everypony was happy, content, and our economy was stable.”

Ponyville’s mayor took another drink from the glass; emptying it and slamming it on the table again. She nudged it forward slightly, and the bartender began to refill as she carried on.

“And then that fucking teacher’s pet showed up. Sure, she was just gonna stay for a couple days to help us set up the Summer Sun Celebration, then she’d be back to Canterlot and away from here.”

“I don’t see what the problem is.”

Mayor Mare took her drink and greedily downed half of it. “She was the catalyst for disaster. Remember how calm and quiet everything was? Then all of a sudden, we get Nightmare Moon descending onto our town and terrorizing the population.”

“Not like it was really her fault. And I mean, she did stop her.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame her for that. But it’s what’s made her stay here in Ponyville. And that’s when Tartarus poured through.”

The bartender trotted to a nearby patron, filling his mug as he spoke to the mayor. “I don’t think it was that bad. Sure, things’ve been out of the ordinary–”

“One million, one hundred and eight thousand, four hundred and ninety-six bits in property damage. All from that one Celestia-damned mare.” She took a deep breath, her eyes wide with malice. “First she caused mobs over her ticket shortly after moving here. Believe it or not, that was roughly two thousand bits.” The old enraged mare let out a chuckle, “Oh, remember how everypony always came out, socialized, bought things and such whenever Trixie would come to town to do her show? We made a couple hundred bits in revenue for that show every year. Then Twilight’s abilities encourage her friends to try to upstage Trixie. Somehow, that motivates two school-aged idiots to bring an Ursa Minor to Ponyville, causing two hundred thousand bits of damage.” Her tone and speed increased as she continued to speak in frustration. “Then Twilight destroys our water tower to tame it. Repairs and replenishment cost us another one hundred and twenty thousand bits.” The words came out even faster, as she spat each syllable with quick but untempered loathing. “All because a fucking entertainer exaggerated and made up a few stories!”

Mayor Mare slammed her glass on the bar once again, causing cracks to run up its surface. The bartender picked up the tumbler, inspecting it, and threw it in the trash. She did not notice: she was still seething with anger. “By Celestia! I’m surprised she doesn’t call upon the Royal Guard to destroy tabloid journalism! Can you get me another drink?”

“You sure? Think you’ve gotten plenty lately...”

The mayor took a deep breath, somewhat regaining her composure. “No no, I really just need to vent. I’ve been holding this in for a while. Just get me some hard cider.”

“One hard cider coming right up!”

She slouched once more, supporting her head with a hoof as she awaited her next drink. “You know, I know a lot about parasprites. There was a swarm when I was just a filly in Ponyville. It takes a special kind of pony to get rid of them, so once Pinkie came to town I instructed her on what she had to do to safely remove them. Rather than trust Pinkie, Twilight ends up casting a spell on the parasprites which causes them to eat buildings and property. That was over a hundred and ten thousand bits worth of damage.”

The mug of cider slid across the bar until Mayor Mare caught it with her hoof. She looked down into the translucent liquid as it sloshed back and forth in the mug. “But there’s still more...” she said hopelessly. “There’s still more.” Taking a swig from the mug and slamming it on the bar, she went on. “She attracted the God of Chaos here, causing Ponyville to become the ‘Chaos Capital of the World’ for about a day.”

“I don’t think I need to know all the specific costs. Especially for that.”

“Oh? For Discord? No charge at all because of the Elements, but it was her fault he came here of all places. Now let’s see what else...” she took another drink from her mug, sitting up. “Luna came to town to see her on Nightmare Night. That was a costly nightmare of over ten thousand bits of damage. And the bills when her fiendish little dragon grew and rampaged throughout the town? Astronomical.”

“Yeah, I recall that was the first time I saw you here on your own. You fell unconscious.”

“I preferred the hangover to the bill of damages. Believe me. She calmed down a bit afterwards, I’ll give her that. Her cutie mark spell which put Rarity in charge of weather easily cost us tens of thousands of bits, and then hundreds of thousands when she accidentally brought Tirek to town. The collateral from Golden Oaks’ destruction wasn’t repaired by the Tree of Harmony.”

“You got a fair point. I can see why you’ve gotten so frustrated.”

“I had a good thing going on. I really did.” Mayor Mare began chuckling, then laughing aloud. She had gone completely hysterical. “You know, I’m sure you remember before we had demons from Tartarus rampaging through town! Oh! Oh! Remember those three months of bad weather when Rainbow Dash needed therapy because Twilight got her friends to torment her with ‘The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well’? Why in Tartarus is that bitch the Princess of Friendship, anyway? She’s caused absolutely nothing but trouble and devastation for this once quiet and simple town. I don’t know about you, but I want her gone. I want that bitch gone!”

The bartender was once more caught by surprise as Mayor Mare hit her mug, launching it off the surface of the bar where it impacted the nearby wall, sending bits of wood flying. “I want things to go back to how they were before: before she took over my town and made everypony’s lives miserable! You realize that there’s a Zebra hate group founded on the edge of town because she let Zecora in! And the amount of minor damages caused because she would let Rainbow Dash crash through the library window.” The mayor stood up, yelling in the bartender’s face. “She never owned the library! It was and has always been public property! So guess whose pocket all damages to Golden Oaks went to!? Guess who had to pay every. Last. Fucking. Bit for repairs!?”

Mayor Mare collapsed back onto the stool, burying her head in her front legs resting on the bar. She shook with muffled sobs and moans. The bartender regarded her, then went to serve some reasonably impatient folks on the other side of the bar.

Outside, the crystalline Castle of Friendship glimmered in the dawn’s light.

Comments

[Silverdogz117]

Oh, this needs a second chapter! ASAP!

[Seether00]

There is only one sane solution.

The Mayor needs to murder Twilight.

[Raistlin]

4861357

Or send Celestia a letter (while drunk)
"Dear princess Celestia cakeflank
You brought your pet here, you pay for cleaning her shit.
Sincerely, Major Mare
P.E: I´m also sending you my therapist´s bill"

[Blaze the draconic mage]

KiLl tWiTlIGhT SpArKlEbUtT nOw

[The 24th Pegasus]

This.
Is.
Beautiful.

[Seether00]

4861380

Good idea. Send her the invoice. Hell, Twilgiht's a princess now with access to the treasury. Send her the bill.

[The Servant Archer]

Huh. Never realized this before now. Neat. And a very good read.

[Richardson]

Wow. What an ungrateful bitch.

[OmniFox]

Does Mayor Mare have a crush on Spike?

[Hillbe]

"Mayor Mare?" As three fedora clad stallions entered the bar " Equestria Excess Insurance Agency" He sat along side the mayor, "Your risk management people said you would be here" The mayor gulped "Your coverage was lacking & were taking you to court to make up the difference you are served."

The second Stallion sat on the other side of mayor mare. "Hello Mare My family just noticed that you forgot our cut in the mobs piece of the action" He reached in his coat & slapped down a fish rolled in newspaper on the bar table "Your partner sleeps with the fishes ,You have till the end of the week to pay up, or ELSE"

The third whimpy little stallion walked behind her "Hi, I'm from the committee to reelect the Democratic party of Equestria. . ."
The mayor looked up "Just a minute I'll get my bathing suit"

[Zeyon The Green]

I'd say that tons of good stuff happened as well.
Right off the bat, they got rid of the dragon that would have made the town uninhabitable with smog and Twilight time limits the amount of destruction of the cutie mark crusaders.

[TheBigStallowski]

4863102
Aye, but almost all the problems (aside from Discord, Tirek, and Nightmare Moon) could have been handled without the Mane 6 in Ponyville.
Celestia and/or the Royal Guard could've taken out the dragon, the CMC's damage was limited compared to things caused by Twilight.
Mayor Mare's problem isn't Twilight or the Mane 6's existence, but the fact that they (especially Twilight) are in Ponyville, and therefore the cause of most of Ponyville's misfortunes. And it's Twilight's being there that started it all, and so she blames her.

Aside from all the technicalities (except for the estimated costs for each bit of damage. I went through several episodes to make estimates, and it is easily around one million dollars of damages), it is a simple comedy entertaining the idea that Mayor Mare has reason to not be entirely happy with Twilight's stay in Ponyville.

[Zeyon The Green]

4863155
Well I guess then that Mayor Mare must have slighted Celestia then...

I could probably refute this further, but I'll give up save one point about the mane 6. They do get taxes off of the Apple family though, think of the governmental income loss of the apple cider and Zap Apples if Applejack was gone. You also can't tax carpetbaggers like Flim and Flam. That is the only mane 6 problem that would be caused by at least one of them gone.

[thewaffler]

Aside from the Mayor's blatant equine racism of Zecora, she does have a good point. I wouldn't blame the Zecora situation on Twilight, but rather several nasty rumors started by a combination of Pinkie and the Flower Triplets plus a few others.

Also I'd love to hear her thoughts on Ponyville's other agent or rather agents of destruction: The Cutie Mark Crusaders.

They disturbed a wake, woke up Discord, Applebloom stole potions from Zecora and caused all kinds of havoc and the three of them caused chaos at a parade when they attempted to send Babs off a cliff via crashing a parade float. I'm sure there's more destruction.

[TheBigStallowski]

4863697
Yes. And as mentioned in the story, one of the Mane 6 (Rainbow Dash) was actually hindered because of Twilight. The "Mysterious Mare Do Well" incident caused Rainbow depression/emotional distress that hindered her job as a weatherpony.
4864409
Tallying the costs though, I don't think the CMC caused over one million bits of damage. Twilight had two juggernauts up her sleeve from the parasprites and Spike's rampage. A whole, completed house/building destroyed is over 100,000 dollars' worth of damage in the real world, and it can be assumed that bits are close to USD.
Also, Mayor Mare has nothing against Zecora or zebras personally. Her complaint was that an anti-Zebra hate group was started because Twilight & co. brought Zecora to Ponyville (though it could be blamed on AppleBloom; however, I hardly want to consider her a character of the show when she was that poorly developed) to make her more accepted. Sociologically speaking it is actually the presence of diversity, not the absence of it, that creates hate groups. And what mayor would want to have one of those in her town?

[thewaffler]

4871613
Zecora saved the day from Applebloom's Cutie pox incident.

I still argue that the CMC have caused enough of a dent in the town to be worth some recognition. They woke up Discord and they revealed the Mayor's mane dying secret. The only member of the Crusaders that hasn't done anything bad is Scootaloo.

[TheBigStallowski]

4872161
Not if you've watched the Mentally Advanced Series
And probably. Though the thing with Discord and Mayor Mare's frustration with the event is that, because of Twilight, Discord concentrated the clusterfuck of his reign on Ponyville. And it's entirely hypothetical as to whether or not the CMC are the pure result of Discord's awakening or merely a catalyst in a set of many other circumstances over the past thousand years. (The Elements do seem to have a maximum of a 1000 year effect. Nightmare Moon, Discord, Sombra...)

[SuperGiantRobot]

4863155

the Royal Guard could've taken out the dragon

The Royal Guards couldn't handle a shot of vodka.

If you want something glared at, they're the guys for the job, but when it comes to actually doing anything, a five year old with a bag of rocks would be more competent.

[Kingofstarryskies]

4875485 Oh, Twilight...If I were a lesser pony, I'd be furious with ya. How lucky for us both that I am a God.

[zalla661]

I agree with the Mayor in this story you wrote. You almost sound like a Twilight hater though. Oh well! Funny story though! Love it!

[TheBigStallowski]

5103302 Ironically, Twilight's my favorite. I have 2 or 3 plushies of her. And a figurine on my desk

[zalla661]

5109098 I actually love Trixie. She's my favorite. I actually like the Mayor second only to Sunset Shimmer. It's a close one though. I was surprised there's a group for her now. I never thought anyone would make a group for her! Im glad they did.

[Themaskedferret]

I really do like this idea, I think the poor mayor does go through a lot and it's not seen but this felt really off to me.
I mean having a Princess in town isn't hugely boosting tourism? Celestia doesn't have some kind of damage funding in place to help with such things? Or even insurance?

I agree, Twi is a walking disaster area when it comes to the town. She's as bad as a superhero in that respect But the idea that there's absolutely no upshot to it feels sketchy to me.

[TheBigStallowski]

5151314 A lack of tourism is likely due to the same reason as to why nobody seems to remember the mane 6 saving Equestria multiple times.

[Rocka Leone]

love it and needs a sequel. like twilight hears what the mayor said and tries to apologize or mayor mare takes it to Celestia.