Castle Crashers
“He’s bucking insane!! I told you he’s bucking insane!!!!”
Despite the very angry remark being directed at me, I couldn’t help but laugh at the comment about my mental health. I mean, to be called insane can be joked about, and in some cases used in a very serious manner. Though, to tell someone that they were a few apples shy of a full basket, or for the matter that their basket was in the wrong orchard to begin with, can be considered laughable.
The insane, in an ironic sense, tend to realize that they are in fact insane; they don’t need people telling them that!
So, let’s say for an example, if someone were to watch the scene around me unfold without any information regarding what’s happening, would they consider me insane?
Well, to set the scene, I found myself flying through the air-or is falling the better term?- as my gauntlets were blazing with golden light, the tell tale sign of their max power being unleashed. Above me, now flying in the opposite direction, was the unlucky head of the hydra I had just delivered a resounding haymaker-
Pony puns! Hahaha!
-and now found itself reeling, its long neck dragging it back slightly, forcing the body to compensate by taking a thundering step back into the swamp we found ourselves in.
This however did not mean that the three other heads were idly waiting for their turn to receive their own knuckle-sandwich, as two were rushing up from below, thunderous roars escaping their massive mouths as they lunged upward at me, their attention diverted away from my guards below.
The final head, the one who had decided it really wanted pony for breakfast just received a well placed electrical shock strait to the retina, courtesy of one very frazzled armored centurion guard and her electro staff. Just as she fired of a bolt from her staff, my other guard dive-bombed from above, wings outstretched as he delivered a decent kick to the same head.
Though it was essentially the equivalent of a toddler punching an adult in the head, but hey, A for effort.
Oh, and I was laughing totally not manically and perfectly within the range of social standards.
So, if someone were to consider this scene for a moment, to watch me fall through the air after KO’ing one hydra head in exchange for being vulnerable to the two other heads, laughing as I supposedly fell to what many would consider a hydra’s snack, with my comrades fighting off the remaining head, would I be considered insane?
…
Mmmmmmhhhhmmm no.
No.
I would say I’m functioning at very sane levels.
In fact, I’m so sane that that nyan cat video didn’t even send me into delusional sate of euphoria.
Yep, no insanity here! Besides, the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again expecting a different result! That’s not me at all! I was well aware this hydra was going to reel back from the hit I delivered, not explode into candy or something!
Actually sounds like something Discord would do…
So to sum it all up, no, I’m not insane and my guard is just angry because some trivial matter or some such. Maybe it’s her time of the month, I don’t judge.
Now then, what was I doing...?
…
Oh right!
Twisting in midair, I launched both my gauntlets at the encroaching hydra heads, slamming into both before grabbing a hold of them with my detached hands. With their heads firmly under my control, admittedly still coming toward me, I pulled my arms across each other, pulling with effort as my chains retracted simultaneously.
The end result of course was the hydra heads that had originally aimed to make me lunch found each other to be their target, colliding directly below me in a teeth clenching head butt. Not missing a beat, I landed on the right head just as it reeled back from the force of their collision, using its face as a small jumping off point. Launching off the now earthbound head, I had just happened to be positioned perfectly to be directly above the remaining head, which had yet to realize what had just happened.
“What goes up!” I yelled, falling directly toward my final target, my clamped fists raised above my head, the hydra still battling my comrades on the ground. “Must come down!”
WHAM!
The sound of both my gauntlets slamming down upon the remaining head, causing it to eat enough dirt to keep it full for decades, resounded throughout the swamp like a gunshot.
Followed of course by the sound of the other defeated heads impacting the earth in near perfect succession, the limp body toppling slightly forward before collapsing.
Got real quiet after that.
Save of course for the panting of my guards, each of their golden armor muddied and covered in a layer of grime, their thick camouflage under armor no doubt suffering some wear and tear.
I eyed each of them from atop the downed hydra head, a pleasant smile on my face as I removed my goggles from my eyes. No point getting swamp water in your eyeholes right?
“So” I started, getting both my guards attention, “That was fun right?” The smile I had never leaving my face.
Their faces were priceless.
They looked to each other for a moment, one of my guards mouthing something similar to ‘Did he really just?’ to which the other seemed to reply, ‘Yes. Yes he did’.
Finally, they turned back to me, one of my guards stepping forward while still trying to catch her breath.
“Sir…I say this with the utmost respect and kindness, but…” she glared enough daggers at me to leave me a living shish kabob.
“Fun is nowhere bucking close to the word I would describe that as”
I smiled even wider, holding in a laugh I knew was coming. Her face was so serious! I really wanted to make a comment about that, but I might push a big red button for my guard and that might be a little rude.
“Welp” I said, hoping off the hydra head to splash into the swamp water, my mouth curling into the slightest of frowns as I felt all the mucky water rush into my boots.
Nasty stuff.
“We better get a move on, shall we?” I trudged through the soup like water, walking in between my guards as I took the lead. The hydra had been an unexpected development, but it was quick work dispatching it. It took what, five? Ten minutes tops? We should still have plenty of time to-
“Uh sir?” Tree top’s voice caught my attention, as I stopped to look over my shoulder at the pegasus.
“The castle is that way” He said blankly, one slightly wet foreleg raised; pointing in the exact opposite direction I was headed.
A small silence ensued between the three of us, my mouth half open in a response.
“Right!” I stated, doing a complete one eighty as I headed back toward my guards, and the correct way we were heading. I tried to resist the urge to rub the back of my neck, the feeling of slight embarrassment already crashing with the high of battle that was still rushing through my system.
With my guards taking the lead now, we had to take a wide berth around the downed hydra to realign ourselves with our destination.
I eyed the unconscious creature with little fear, a small smile on my face as I remembered the time I had been ordered to assist Celly in actually taking one of these things down.
I had nearly shit bricks at the word hydra. I mean, the first thing that went through my mind was a sixty foot, nine headed, head regrowing piece of nightmare fuel that would make a grown man wet himself like a child, strange powers be damned. I had basically called a ‘nope’ and had tried to bail on the mission, but good ol Celestia managed to rope me into it.
Now, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was though, and the big scaly monstrosity wasn’t nearly as scary as originally thought-still dangerous-but surprisingly nothing me and a horse comparable to Jesus couldn’t fight right?
A drawn out breath escaped me as I continued to think about the past, my body more unconsciously following the ponies ahead of me.
I let my thoughts wander as I let them do their thing. It should be a cakewalk to the castle anyways; we had probably just gotten unlucky with the hydra in the swamp.
I lied.
I utterly lied.
We could practically not avoid every freaking thing in this forest. I couldn’t even…we just, it was like we wanted everything that wanted to kill us to just happen to stumble across us!
Now, perhaps it wasn’t necessarily difficult to dispatch the things that got in my way, such as the manticore whose face was indented thanks to a well placed punch, or the cockatrice I punted halfway to Canterlot Mountain.
That one was pure fucking gold actually…
Though there were a few opponents that had caught me off guard, such as the wooden wolves that literally were held together with twigs and branches as a sickly green glow emitted from their eyes.
I had learned from Morning Star that they were apparently referred to as Timber wolves, and they were surprisingly one of the stronger threats in the Everfar-sorry-Everfree forest since it had been abandoned all those centuries ago.
It wasn’t the fact that they were easy to defeat, but rather in their ability to regenerate at an alarming rate, and sometimes forming into an even larger timber wolf thanks to whatever magic kept them alive.
They were seriously something else, my attempt at asking about their origins only met with the theories that had come from over the years, some claiming it was the forests magic, while other’s assumed they were a byproduct of Nightmare Moon.
I shook my head at the latter statement; it seemed highly unlikely, as they didn’t have anything near Luna’s style.
Finally though, we had arrived near the castle, its grey spires easily visible in the distance. Even from here, hundreds of yards away from it, it was still just as big as I remembered it. Though, even from here, I could see the damage done to it.
Wow. It’s beat to hell…
The place looked for a better word like it had been demolished halfway through, and no one had the decency to finish it off. Most of the stone and mortar was clearly crumbling, certain pieces of walls and structures had either collapsed or were lying halfway crumbled to the adjacent place from which they were originally constructed. It even seemed nature had decided to get in on the action, large vines and plants slowly creeping up the walls, burying what was underneath in a layer of green.
A sadness sort of came over me, as looking at the building that had been my home for most of my un-imprisoned time look so downright terrible. It looked forgotten in a sense, and that was something I could relate too.
So lost in thought was I that I nearly ran into Treetop’s rear, my guard stopping just short of a rope bridge that extended over the chasm that surrounded the castle.
I silently thanked that I hadn’t ran into him, as pony heights compared to my own, would have been an unpleasant and awkward experience for the both of us.
“We have a slight problem” He explained, rubbing a foreleg to his chin as he eyed the rope bridge with an appraising eye.
“What is it?” Star asked, trotting up to look over the bridge herself. She received a glance from her fellow guard, and it was easily perceivable to notice the quick dart of the eyes at me.
“Ohhh” She realized, as I took a look at the bridge myself, trying to find out what they seemed to be discussing. The bridge in itself didn’t seem like it was a big problem. Sure, it looked a little unstable, and granted, it probably couldn’t support much weight on its owhhhhhhhhh.
I understood now.
Ignoring my guards for the moment, I took a tentative step on the first plank of the bridge, my foot hovering inches over its wooden surface. Then I pressed down.
And was prepared when my foot easily snapped the bridge piece in half. The two chunks ever so slowly were falling down into the chasm below. Me, Treetop, and Morning all watching unmoving as it soon hit the ground hundreds of feet below.
“Well” I said after a moment, glancing at my guards. “Looks like the bridge is out for me” I started to walk away from the two as Treetop looked into the chasm.
“It looks like there is a path built into the cliff-face…might take us some extra time to walk along it…” he thought out loud, as Morning tried to follow me while still trying to pay attention to her partner.
“How long do you think it will take to get to the castle if we took the path?” Star asked, failing to notice that I had stopped barely fifteen feet away from them.
“Hmmm…half an hour down tops, perhaps forty five minutes for the whole thing if we hurry…” Tree continued, even as I positioned myself like a runner at the starting line.
“Not really an effective entrance and exit. We’d be trapped if a large group of pegasi was sent here” Star observed, her own thoughts debating the path. It was only a moment of preparation for me before I took off in a full sprint, within seconds I was at edge of the earthly divide, and a second after that, I was sailing through the air toward the chasm’s ground below.
He jumped.
He jumped.
He up and jumped.
Treetop and Morning Star could only stare mouths agape as they watched the falling form of the biped Gaunts as he continued to fall toward the opposite side of the wall thanks to the boost from his jump. Still, it was clear to see that his momentum would take him into the ground before he would grab onto the other side.
It was like watching a train wreck. It was horrible, yet they couldn’t turn away.
And especially not Treetop. He liked trains.
“He just jumped” His partner observed monotonly, stating it more out of simple awe rather then processing it herself. However though, years of training had not simple left them, and no sooner had Gaunts fallen a few seconds did both their eyes widen in alarm.
“Save him!” They both cried, instantly reacting in conjunction as the pegasus took to the air in an instant before diving toward his target, his unicorn companion igniting her horn to grab the human in her magic.
Morning concentrated with all her magical reserves on levitating Gaunts toward the wall, or at least slowing his pace so Treetop could grab him. She growled under her breath as her magic continued to fade off of him almost every second, her horn taxed as she was forced to put more and more magic into her spell.
She could not fathom this things brain, truly she could not. She might have at one point retracted her phrase from earlier, but now? Now? After he threw himself off a cliff ledge? He had the letters ‘INSANE’ written all over her mental image of him. She couldn’t understand why the order had put so much trust in him. From what she had seen, this stallion was rivaling Discord in his instability.
Treetop was faring no better, quickly managing to gain on the falling human, only to have realization strike him that he was heavier then he seemed, extremely heavier. While he wasn’t one to boast that he was athletic, he knew he simply did not have the muscle to lift that weight.
Both had a horrifying realization that their charge was going to hit the ground, possibly involving the sound akin to a splat, with his legs more then likely sticking out of the small crater he would make. Ohhhh they were so fired for this. Ridiculously fired.
They had one job. One job. Granted it wasn’t their fault, but one job!
Oh, Ivory wasn’t going to be happy about this.
Their sudden thoughts on a new career choice that didn’t involve cleaning the Atrium’s toilets for the rest of their collective lives was interrupted as the tell-tale sound of Gaunts’ metal fists detaching from his lower arms, the appendages sailing forward to grab into the cliff face.
In less than a second they readjusted his trajectory, swinging him toward the rocky wall as he braced out with his legs. With a thud, the human’s entire momentum ended, dirt and rock raining where his boots contacted with the wall, small indentations made.
“Woo! That was fun! Reminds me of the time I went skydiving!” He laughed, earning a truly stunned look from both Treetop who hovered beside him, and Morning who gazed down at them from atop the chasm wall.
The human coughed repeatedly as a bit more dirt and rock rained down from where his fists had imbedded into the wall of earth. “Eh…probably…ack…should have put my goggles on” he sputtered.
Treetop could only hover there, looking over his seemingly fine charge, though he noticed with a startling observation that the metal toed boots seemed to be somewhat compacted, more or less looking like something smashed between a rock and a hard place.
“Are you crazy!?” his partners angry voice shouted at them from above, both males looking up to see the maroon mare crossing the bridge slowly, her eyes darting between the biped hanging onto the wall and the bridge before her.
For a moment, Tree could swear he heard a mumbled reply of ‘just a little’ though as Gaunts was facing the wall, Tree could not see his face.
Without directly replying to the unicorn, Gaunts detached one of the fists that held him suspended-both his guards tensing-just before he swung it further up the wall, his right hand now digging in several dozen feet higher then its previous position. Repeating the same process with his other hand, he soon had moved several meters up the near vertical wall.
He then proceeded to run up the wall, his chains retracting into the voids from which they came as he ascended, his guards watching in fascination. It looked like he had done this thing before. There was an almost practiced ease to it.
Within less than a minute, he had fully climbed onto the ground on the opposite side of the bridge, Treetop landing beside him. Morning Star stood waiting for them, a neutral expression on her face. While the shock and anger was still there, knowing that he had the situation under control had appeased her somewhat.
Key word being somewhat.
“Sir, do not that again. Or at least tell us before you do it! You nearly gave us heart attacks!” she tried to keep the anger out of her voice. Tried.
Only to receive an eyebrow raise from then human in return. “And if I don’t…?”
Her glare could have crushed mountains. As with Gaunts however, it quickly showed that he had crossed a line with the mare, and possibly the stallion to boot.
“Understood ma’am” he said, making a mock salute. She felt her eye twitch while her mouth opened to respond before she shook her head in exasperation. Treetop for his part was more concerned with checking on the radio still attached to Gaunts’ back, the pack seemingly jostled but in relatively good condition.
“Let’s just…get this done, alright everypony?” She spoke, nodding toward the castle ruins now directly in front of them. Two nods were her response, and she thanked the founders above that that had managed to go over smoothly.
Trotting past various stone pieces that had been nigh swarmed in tall grass, belonging to who knows what, she trotted up toward the main entrance to what she assumed was the main junction of the castle, as the rest of the structure seemed to be built around this particular building. Climbing up aging steps, she was happy to report that both Treetop and Gaunts were following her closely.
Good. It appeared things were finally starting to go her way.
It didn’t take much to enter the main foyer of the castle, as the large doors that had once been its entrance had fallen off their hinges, easily movable without knocking them over.
So enraptured was she in making progress into the castle, that she failed to notice Gaunts pause as they passed the threshold, his head swiveling repeatedly as he eyed the area with sudden suspicion. After a moment though, he continued on, albeit a bit more cautiously, as a strange sense overcame him. He had that feeling before, he felt like he should know that feeling. The sense of déjà vu was startling. What was causing him to feel this way?
Little did he realize that the feeling was the aftermath of a powerful spell collapsing thanks to his magic resistance.
A certain spell, cast by a certain alicorn…
Canterlot Mountain
Celestia’s head suddenly snapped up from the scroll she had been writing on, the feedback from her spell collapsing grabbing her attention immediately. There were few who could have been able to cancel out her spell, and even more who knew how to do so.
Possibilities ran through her head in an instant. And she was quick to narrow down the possible suspects. One in particular stood out to her though, and if her suspicions were correct, she would need to capitalize on this moment at once.
“Alert Shining Armor, bring him here quickly!” She called out from atop her thrown to her guards that stood at the doors to the thrown room, their quick salutes followed by their exiting out the doors.
Both her throne guards glanced up at her, their bodies tense and alert at having half the protection to their princess leave suddenly. But Celestia had more pressing concerns to worry about.
It had been weeks of nothing , her agents reporting no sign of the biped across near the entirety of Equestria, and that had sent warning bells off in her head. Nopony or rather no one simply disappears like Gaunts did without leaving some trail behind. Yet, for nearly a month, she could not find hide nor hair of him.
And now he had possibly reappeared, in her and Luna’s castle no less? That was no coincidence. Though part of her rationalized that he could simply be returning to a place he knew, that fact he didn’t do it weeks ago proved that this was highly unlikely.
She gazed out one of the many windows of her thrown room, looking out toward the vast city of Canterlot and beyond, her thoughts on the wayward biped.
Rick, where have you been all this time?
Too some relief, I had my thoughts pulled away from the strange feeling that was bugging me as I looked over what remained of the castle interior. It was certainly…better…then the outside. Various banners and tapestries depicting either the mark of Celestia or Luna were hung here and there with little wear and tear. Certainly in much better condition then one would think after a thousand years of aging.
Probably magic involved here. When in doubt, magic.
I tried to keep my expression neutral as we pushed into the castle, yet an overwhelming sense of sadness was creeping over me, and as much as I wanted to resist it, I couldn’t help but feel like someone had trashed my home.
I mean, this place had been my home for nearly two years. Two years! And I had gotten to know it so well, know the ponies as well. I remembered this place in its hay day-
Pony puns…yay….
-it was practically bustling with servants and various other guards and such, and had a small city around it as well. That chasm/canyon wasn’t as wide as I remembered it.
I ran my hand over a passing wall, idly following my guards as my hand removed the dust that had gathered on the stone. This place used to be so…bright, so warm, and full of life…
Seeing it like this, a true shell of its former self was hard. Really hard in fact. It wasn’t exactly dead…but…it was certainly dying.
I couldn’t fathom why they had just abandoned the palace completely like this, but Morning Star was able to answer that.
“After Princess Luna was banished, Princess Celestia decided that the castle had residual dark magic in it, and proceeded to advise everypony to relocate to Canterlot mountain, where they began construction of her new castle within a few years” she told me, her eyes still moving across the various hallways, searching for something.
Bull.Shit.
My anger flared at the thought of the mare in question just up and leaving for the actual reason whatever it was. Just up and leave what ponies had no doubt built with love for these two?!
I resisted the urge to lash out, and tried to reel in my anger.
Now was not the time for that. Later? Definitely.
For what seemed like hours, but was probably a few minutes because my bad mood was exasperating things, Morning found the library of the castle. Because, you know, don’t bother asking the person that actually lived here where it is. No, go ahead. It’s fine.
“Lets check what we can, anything of immediate value we should take back with us, with any luck, we can return later with a bigger group” She said, already browsing across the rows of books that lined the opposite wall, Treetop doing the same to the bookcases that stood perpendicular to the other shelves.
I for one headed toward the opposite end of the room, where a sort of bay window used to exist, some of the panes now cracked or missing thanks to ol father time. I looked out at the surrounding buildings, my breathing calm as the afternoon breeze blew through the open spaces of the window.
How much things had changed…
I don’t know how long I just stood there looking out the window as my comrades searched through the weathered tomes of the library. However, as fate would have it, my attention suddenly locked on a glint of light in the distance, and my eyes narrowed as I realized said glint was growing larger.
I took a few steps toward the window, trying to figure out exactly what I was looking at.
Several minutes of squinting later and I was finally able to determine what exactly I was looking at…or rather, the multiple things I was looking at. I nearly dropped the radio pack as I removed the straps from my shoulders, my body already moving toward the library’s entrance.
“We’ve got company!” I yelled, startling my guards as they glanced at each other with wide eyes.
I didn’t bother waiting for them as I charged toward the castle’s main entrance.
Golden chariots.
A little easy to spot, wouldn’t you say?
I practically skidded to a stop when I exited the castle, instantly spotting the multiple chariots parked out on a stretch of rubble free grass, multiple guardsmen already deployed and helping the charioteers out of their harnesses. My eyes quickly spotted the unicorn in blended golden and purple armor commanding the others, his voice relaying the tone of a true commander. The stallion, a white unicorn with a strong blue mane had failed to notice me for a few moments, till a guard just happened to spot me, giving my position away immediately.
His head snapped to me in a second as he tried to process that I was actually standing there, not thirty feet away from them, one foot placed on the stone steps before me.
For a moment, the good ol Mexican standoff ensued, and I should now something about Mexican standoffs thank you.
Then of course, he reacted. In quick hoof movements pointing in several directions, the golden armored guards moving without word, several of the pegasi taking to the air with attached lances while the earth ponies and unicorns on the ground carried anything from war hammers to poleaxes. They seemed to fan out in a semicircle around the entrance, and of course, me.
I carefully watched each of their movements, noting who was the closest to me while not appearing to react to the guards. Then the unicorn spoke.
“By order of the Equestrian crown, I order you to cease and desist immediately!” He yelled, pointing an accusing hoof at me. I rolled my eyes.
“On whose authority?” I yelled back, crossing my arms over my chest, my eyes rolling again when several guards tensed.
He seemed taken aback for a second as he processed what I had just said, before gritting his teeth and raged at me once more. Whoa, what’s got him all fired up?
“By the authority of the Princesses of Equestria, and myself, Captain of the royal guard!”
I noticed out of the corner of my vision that Morning and Tree had finally caught up to me, taking positions on either side of the doorway, out of sight of the new arrivals. I resisted the urge to laugh when they stood on their hind legs, pressing their backs into the wall as they looked over their shoulders.
Returning to the captain, I smiled at the unicorn.
“A captain eh? Well, from one captain to another-unofficial of course- I salute your bravery captain!” I said, mock curtsying as he raised an eyebrow at my antics.
“I mean” I stated, taking slow, careful, deliberate steps down the stone stairs, “You’re quite brave to be facing me, let alone thinking you can take me by force” My arms were raised nonthreatening to my sides, my palms upward as my gauntlets thrummed with electricity very threateningly.
The guards on their part did retreat slightly as I advanced, though my scare tactic only worked so well with their captain meeting my advance with his own. His boldness inspiring his comrades to stand strong. I made a mental note to take him out first. If it came to a fight of course.
Removing a commander is the easiest way to damage a fighting force.
“You will stand down and remove yourself from this castle!” He ordered, even as his fellow guards slowly advanced around me, their semicircle slowly tightening. The pegasi in the air not once letting their eyes off of me.
“Or…?” I asked, increasing the power to my gigawatt gloves, small arcs of lighting now dancing along the metal surfaces. The bait was laid and the trap was set. C’mon, captain, make my day.
“Then…we ask you again to cease and desist” he spoke, a good amount of his bravado and strength lost to something akin to resignation. What was this now?
“What? Really, is that the best you’ve got?” I asked, my confused look actually mirrored by some of the guards.
The stallion sighed through his nose, his eyes never losing focus on me. “By order of the crown, you are not to be dealt with by force unless you pose a direct threat to Equestria’s ponies” he stated monotonly, like he was rereading it from something.
I smiled widely.
That was a new one! I glanced behind me, now unable to see my own guards behind the doorframe. I imagined they had surprised looks themselves.
“Is that so?” I said, turning back to the pony.
He nodded. “It is”
My smile dropped. We stood there once more, no one moving as we looked at each other. They were serious about this?
Huh, talk about anti-climactic.
“Welp” I said, turning on my heels, “Goodbye” I waved once before heading back toward the entrance. I had barely made it a few steps when I saw the guards advancing as well.
I turned back to them, all traces of my friendly disposition gone.
“I thought I wasn’t under arrest captain? Or was that a lie?” I accused him, though I was met by a calm stare.
“You are ordered to cease and desist, but in your case, we cannot apprehend you. That does not mean we cannot follow you. To make sure your activities are non-threatening to Equestria of course”
My eyes narrowed as I saw the smallest hint of smiles on the captain’s muzzle. The little sneaky bastard!
“And if I don’t wish to be followed?” I raised an eyebrow, my right hand detaching a foot from my arm, simply dangling there in a challenge.
He was defensive instantly, taking a fighting stance as his comrades prepared as well.
“You don’t have much of a choice there. Despite Princess Celestia ignoring your earlier acts, you are still a wanted criminal by law” I rolled my eyes.
Oh bitch please. I am the law!
…
Well, was.
“Then I’m afraid we have a problem here Mr…?”
He chose to answer me carefully. “Armor. Captain Armor”
I smiled. “Captain Armor, nice name by the way, very fitting. Now then Captain Armor, I believe we may have a problem here, as seeing I don’t want to be followed by guards who have their muzzles so far up Celestia’s ass they can practically taste the cake as she eats it-“
They fucking bristled at that statement, Armor especially.
“-I will give you the chance to go home with your tails between your legs and your pride mostly intact” I chuckled as they continued to silently rage at my statements.
“Or we can fight. Your call captain.” I finished, gesturing to all his comrades.
His face was a stoic mask as he looked at me, unflinching. Then, his horn suddenly became incased in an aura of magic and wait-was his magic pink?
With my attention on the color more then himself, I suddenly found my worldview go pink.
As in holy shit everything is pink.
It took me a second to realize I had a shield spell placed over me, reaching to the edge of the stairs and the doorframe of the castle. Well, that was unexpected.
Armor smiled as I glanced around me, my realization that I was trapped evident. Though, I wasn’t particularly worried. Now that color on the other hand…
“Huh, I didn’t know you rolled that way captain” I said, tapping the dome wall with a finger, small pings ringing out. “But eh, not all of us can play for the same team right?”
I smiled as my joke was not lost to them, several guards losing their stoic looks to have small smiles on their faces, only to receive a death glare from Armor.
OOOOOOOhhh, someone was on latrine duty!
“Though, is this really the best you’ve got?” I asked, only to receive a nod from Armor.
“It will hold you” He smiled smugly.
Oh, yee of little faith. But, let’s have some fun with the guy, shall we? I have something I’ve been meaning to try out for a while…
My right gauntlet reattached to my arm with a metallic click, and for a moment, it would seem like I had surrendered, Armor nodding happily.
That was until the same gauntlet began to whir, slowly oscillating before turning rapidly again and again, and turning into practically a blur as it was moving so fast. This was a move I could say that seemed to bring out a more mechanical side to my gauntlets, rather then the magical appeal they usually had.
I pointed my spinning fist directly toward the patch of ground left exposed by the shield, my eyes never leaving the captain’s as he looked at me wearily.
I smiled, waving with my opposite hand as my right hand launched away from my body, impacting the ground for a moment before suddenly disappearing into the earth, a disturbed patch of dirt and my black chain the only sign it had been there.
They all stared at the hole left behind before Armor’s eyes widened in recognition.
“Get back! Get b-“he couldn’t finish his last sentence as my fist appeared out of the ground directly beneath his chin, before impacting it very painfully. He tumbled hoof over heels backwards as his shield dissolved around me completely. I didn’t waste a moment on the surprised guards, detaching my other fist and using it as a makeshift flail to sweep the others off their hooves.
Just as the pegasi were about to dive bomb on me, a bolt of lighting behind me flew past them, a clear warning shot. I glanced back to see Morning slip behind the doorframe once more, her electro staff buzzing.
“Here’s the deal captain. My offer still stands! Retreat and live. Stay or…” I ran my thumb over my neck, leaving it off there. It was a god honest bluff, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with honor bound guards with delusions of grandeur.
Armor recovered quickly, rising to his hooves as he spat some crimson onto the ground.
Oh, might have hit him a little too ha-
“Ahl gawds back to-“he suddenly realized what he was saying, his eyes widening in surprise as both myself and the recovering guards looked at him confused.
“Ma touge! Ah bit ma touge!” He tried to explain, as I resisted the urge to bust out laughing at his face.
He was just like, what?!!! My touge! Oh no!
He glared daggers at me as he noticed I was chuckling at his expense, his comrades recovering from their own hits. Just as a few were getting ready to charge me, he raised a hoof, shaking his head.
“Ahl gawds, back to tha chawiots” his commanding tone was nearly overridden by how ridiculous he sounded. In response, they shot confused looks at their commander, who just shook his head once more, his eyes on me.
“Retweat. Tha’s an owder” he said and cautiously did the guards move away from me, many of the pegasi landing to hook themselves up to the chariots.
Me and Armor had a stare down as his guards reluctantly boarded their transports, watching with anxiety as me and their captain had our little staring contest.
Don’t blink now captain…
“Thes esnt ovah” he growled out, taking cautious steps back as his horn sparked warningly.
I waved him off.
“Yeah yeah, we're enemies now, I’m bad, your good, justice will triumph in the end and all that. I’ve heard that before” I grinned only to receive a death glare in response. I watched as he boarded the nearest chariot, his comrades making room for him to climb aboard.
“Oh and I wouldn’t recommend coming back here again, unless you want another pounding of course. Though given your magic’s color, I assume you wouldn’t mind!” I laughed far too hard at my own joke.
His face was burning red with rage, anger, and probably some embarrassment.
“Ah hav a mawefwiend ya kno!” he shouted at me, to which I was ready for.
“Oh! A threesome? Haven’t had one of those in a long time, count me in!” He probably would have destroyed me with his glare if the charioteers hadn’t taken that moment to take off, quickly heading toward Canterlot Mountain.
I calmly waved goodbye as they began to disappear into the distance. Shortly after they were far enough away, did Morning and Treetop emerge from the doorway, their eyes cautious as they gazed around.
I turned back to them, a smile on my face.
“Well, that was fun!”
They looked at me blankly before looking at each other and back to me again. Their groans as well as simultaneous face-hoofing caused me to laugh out loud.
Ah, what a day.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- MineLittleDashie · 19k words · 244 20 · 5.6k views
- The Zealot · 34k words · 383 30 · 7.6k views
- Sgt GobSmacker · 19k words · 195 33 · 4.1k views
- A marionette · 5.8k words · 163 13 · 4.6k views
- Wild Riot · 12k words · 245 27 · 6.5k views
- Runa · 28k words · 331 37 · 8.3k views
- Spartan889 · 5.8k words · 202 28 · 5.8k views
- Mega NewWays97 · 10k words · 301 56 · 10k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.255 seconds
Total duration
749 users online
635,806 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
First thing that came to my mind when i first saw this story: Fist him
6239803 Fist him?
6239810 it's a dirty joke that i read another day from HERE while browsing internet, and the title reminded me of that.
6239810 No offence meant of course, the story is great and interesting.
6239817 Ah. I wasn't entirely sure if we thinking of the same thing, but since we were, none taken.
6239825 gotta love modern world, where there's so many words that can be taken as their meant to be or dirty way....
6239830 Indeed.
Jesus, he's like a mish-mash of Franky, Brook and Sanji.
We enjoy this displaced's antics! We wonder how the royal sisters, the mane six and velvet sparkle would react to his encounter with Shining Armor?
6239963 But wait, there's more!
That was great. Can't wait for the mane 6 to show up. That should be great.
Reminds me of some of the more ridiculous anime out there, like bobobo.
Good story, but you seriously need an editor. To start with, sentences inside quotation marks "like so," Require a period inside the marks if the phrase has no followup sentence, or a comma if it does. Example:
"I want to go sky-diving."
"I want to go sky-diving," said Mark.
The only times I've seen you follow this properly is when you used more complex punctuation, such as question marks or the 3 periods that indicate a sentence trailing off.
Other than that, you try to use a lot of big words but don't know how they're spelled. I can tell which one you want to use, but it's frequently messed up with one that sounds similar or is another option in spell check. Example:
Strait is a narrow passage of water between two larger bodies. Straight means not crooked. There's also evasive vs. invasive, Overhual vs. Overhaul, moral vs. morale, emitted vs. emanated, and many others that I couldn't be bothered to go look for.
Also, a couple of your sentences are worded awkwardly. Try reading your chapter out loud before posting. If it's awkward to say, it's awkward to read.
If you get an editor, or just go back and try to fix these problems I'll punt this story up a shelf. The plot is solid, and the inner monologue humorous, it just needs more polish.
6242619 I really appreciate the criticscm. Honestly, I didn't even realize I was making some of these mistakes, though I admit the grammer mistakes I was completely unaware of. Unfourtanetly, I don't have any plans to get an editor at the moment(as past bad experiences with editors have sort of moved me away from getting one). I will try to hopefully catch these mistakes from now on to lessen the amount I have to correct later on(especially the many, many, many errors across the first five chapters).
I have read some stories, but I hoped that I someday would find one, where Shining Armor's magical aura would cause some laughs. I mean, it is so obvious, but so rarely used!
Glad I found this story!
Edit: Goddammit! This was the last chapter! Now I have to wait for more! What a cruel world!
more please!
6955752 OH you!
when the next chapter coming out
has this story been canceled
Is this storie going to continue because I am very intrigued by what will happen, and I want to know how will this end
Another good story that died
8872433
indeed... But none the less I will add it to my taking list... just in case... though the author has not been seen since Apr 12th, 2018 so the future is grim indeed.
Ah that was wonderful. Reminds me of myself really. Sad that this was discontiued
It's been years, but I still like to come back and read this from the beginning.
Good day.