Ive Got Balls of Stone!
Na Na Na Na Na. Na Na Na Na. Hey Hey Hey. Gooooooodbye!
Na Na Na Na Na. Na Na Na Na. Hey Hey Hey. Gooooooodbye!
......
Well. I'm bored. Again. Wish I remembered more of that song....or is that all of that song? Eh.....
What to do. What to do. Hmmm, I think I fancy a stroll in the park!
Now if I can just....c'mon, just a little......maybe.....ah. Still stuck. For the 6741 time. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy
Ok, your probably wondering what the fuck is going on right? Cant tell you how many times I asked myself that question. Well, it all started with a convention. Comic-con and the like. My first convention. Yep, not making that mistake again. Considering that there aren't any conventions here. Or humans. Or the fucking planet I was on?!
Ya, emphasis on was, because right now, I'm not on earth. Or any planet in my dimension for that matter. Why would I say that? Oh....I dont know...maybe its the fact that I live in a world of talking ponies, where dragons and other mythological creatures exist? Where two pegacorns.... heh. Pegacorns.
Celly always hated when I called her that.
Anyways, I live in a world where colorful fucking pony princesses, yes, pony princesses. Im the envy of little girls everywhere....Yaaaaaayyyyy
Dam, sorry getting off track here. Well, I live in a world where physics got its ass handed to it by magic. Not the kind of card trick magic. I'm talking about the magic that allows ponies, ponies! To raise the sun and moon like nothing! That was a mindfuck if there ever was one. So I live in that kind of world.
Ya.
What fun.
But I suppose I'm leaving a lot out right? Hmmmm, well I already told you about where I am. Now I need the who, what, and how. Fuck when. I've been stuck here so long I lost track. Ah, I'm getting ahead of myself!
Now, as for the who.... well, my name is Rick. Rick James! Hehe na, im messing with you. Its actually Rick Ross. But you can call me Guants. Everyone else does. Or did. I suppose. Anyways, I'm just your average statue making out a living in the Royal Gardens. You know, the usual.
Now, for the how. I know, I skipped the what. That shits the longest part and frankly I don't like to talk about it a lot. Right then, the how. Well, basically I went to the convention I mentioned earlier. Dressed up in my own costume, well partly pre-made of course.
Basically I had this idea in my head a few weeks before the convetion. I got in contact with metalworker that helped me with the most important part of my costume. So, come convention day, I roll up in my random costume. I wore a plain white tee, a sweet brown leather jacket, some regular navy jeans, and just some plain white shoes. Oh, and I also had these kick-ass mechanic goggles with an orange tint. Loved em.
But I cant forget the best part of my costume, gold painted gauntlet gloves! Imagine hulk hands. Now imagine said hands are made of metal, twice as big and looked positively badass. Ya, best 200 I ever spent. Or the last 200 I ever spent....
Dam, there I go, sorry. Well, everything was going well, gotta a few comments on my costume(mostly the hands) and commented a lot on others. Honestly, people went out of their way to create some sick ass costumes, even saw a dude decked out in full war-hammer 40k armor. Goddamn that was so sick! After walking around a little I started to get self conscious of my costume, sure my gloves were cool, but that was about it. I needed some oomf. If you catch my meaning, something to put me over the top. And it just so happened that a very nice vendor had exactly what I needed, that asshole. He had this duo of gem like amulets that would, "Make those gauntlets into guns! And more!". Ya, should've walked away right then and there. But no, I've got no common sense and actually bought the things.
What? They were cheap! Well, cheapish. Now, I should've known something was up when they actually attached to my gauntlets . I should've known when they began to hum. I should have known when the vendor smiled happily and said "have fun".
God, every time I hear those words I want to rip someone's throat out.
So, ya, they hummed, I blacked out, and I got screwed. Metaphorically. Not a fan of the other option. Then again, probably woulve been better then this clusterfuck. So after I awoke I found out I ended up in Equestria. Ya. That's its real name. Don't get me started on the other horse puns.
Canterlot! My god, these ponies drive me to drink.
Ok. So, two down, one to go!
Uhhhhhhh, I really don't want to tell about the what.....
Look over there! A distraction! No seriously, looks like a field trip. One mare and a bunch of fillies and colts. Looks like she's explaining the statues to the kids. Well, I don't want to talk over her, so I'll just be quiet now...
"Now class, what can you tell me about this particular statue?" The ponyville schoolteacher, Cheerilee, asked her class hopefully. She motioned to the tall bipedal creature which stood upon its pedestal base. The creature was tall, that much was obvious. It's stood at least taller then the largest stallion, and it's frame seemed light and skinny. It's limbs were similar to a diamond dogs, but didn't have the hunched over demeanor, rather it stood tall and strong. It appeared to have a very thin mane, and it's eyes were rather large, almost circle like. It's claws, or hands, to the more intelligent, were incredibly large, but didn't seem to match the body shoe or style that was the rest of its body. It's posed standing tall, its arm was raised forward, where it's hand was positioned in a strange gesture, as it's middle digit was raised upward.
"It's weird" a pudgy gray unicorn by the name of snips wheezed out. Cheerilee's smile faltered, she had expected, a bit more.
"Well, yes. I suppose it is" she kindly agreed. "However, what makes this statue truly different is that is the only statue in all of the Canterlot Gardens that does not have a special meaning!" She nodded her head as the students ooo'd and awwd. "Yes, in fact, it is said that the sculptor was a good friend of Princess Celestia herself and this was a gift to her majesty!"
"Wait, why would a friend of Princess Celestia make her such a hideous statue as a gift?" A pink filly with a diamond tiara, coincidentally named, sneered. "Must have been a blank flank" a grey earth pony whispered next to her, causing both to snicker with laughter.
"I'm afraid I don't really know, the sculptors name has long been forgotten, so no pony really knows why they made this particular piece. But, I think that's enough for this statue, c'mon everpony, we still have much more to see!" The teacher said enthusiastically announced. Together, the small group continued its way through the gardens, leaving the strange statue alone again.
Hmmm, add pink diamond bitch to: people I don't like. Just mark her name right below discord. Yep, they're we are.
Speaking of which, looks like that group is at his statue. Dang it, they're too far away, can't hear much.
While I couldn't hear them, I could easily see them. Thanks to my placement in the gardens, I had a nice view of discord in his stupid pose. Not too mention I've been flipping him the bird for centuries. Hehe. That always did bring a smile to my stony face.
Huh, looks like some of the fillies are going at it. I vote for the orange chicken! Go orange!!! Dang, the teacher broke it up. They're goes my money, if I had actually been betting of course. And now they're moving on.. Well. Back to being bored I guess. Not really in the mood to continue....our....
Discords statue.
It has cracks.
Growing cracks.
Fucking big ass cracks!!
Hell no, no no no. He can't get free! That asshole can't get free before me! That's bullshit! I'm not an evil ass who fucked the world! Seriously the guy was funny 20% of the time and a dick the rest. Oh No no no no no no , the cracks are getting bigger there almost...
"BAHAHAHA, free at last! Ah, it feels so gooood!" The draqonequs laughed happily.
Fuck me.
"Ah, it truly is a pleasure to stretch these sore limbs of mine" discord smiled as he eyed the gardens around him. Suddenly, his eyes soon found the other unique statue. Quickly flying over to the bipedal, he slithered around the structure.
"My my, if I don't believe I'm mistaken, I would say this is my old friend Guants"
I'm not your friend you mismatched pile of shit.
"Oh, come now Guantsy, surely after all this time, we can't have grown so... Apart" At this, he pouted, while displaying large puppy dog eyes.
Why you would ever think... Wait, YOU CAN HEAR ME?!?
"Well, I would say so, but I may still have some stone in my ears" Discord proceeded to tilt his head while simultaneously smacking one ear, causing large chunks of stone to fall out.
Don't play games with me! I'm not in the fucking mood!
"Hmm, yes you always did have a temper" He said thoughtfully, stroking his goatee.
IM GOING TO RIP YOU IN HALF YOU PIECE-
"Now now" Discord said quickly, holding up his mismatched claw and paw defensively," There's no reason to get snippy. After all, you don't want to lose your only chance at freedom do you?" he smiled darkly.
............I'm listening.
"Ah! Excellent!" He clapped happily. I swear he was getting the biggest shit eating grin on his face. Hoping down from myslef, he began to pace back and forth.
"Now, as you know we've been imprisoned for quite some time. Now in that time I have taken among myeslf to develop the a most wonderful scheme, ah! Its going to be so wonderful! I can already smell the chaos!" Seemingly out of nowhere, a large oven appears, to which discord removes a very burnt looking pie. Taking a strong whiff of the questionable foodstuff, he gobbles it hole, the oven disappearing as well.
"BBBRRAWWWP. Ah excuse me! Now, then-"
Get to the point. Im losing my patience over here. What? Im being rude? You get your ass stoned for a 1000 or so years and see if you dont turn into a dick. Or go insane. Or both.
Discord pouted again, but decided to wrap things up. "Its quite simple really. I need someone to keep those lovely sisters busy while I deal with the new bearers of the elements. Think you can do that for me Gauntsy?"
New bearers of the elements? Interesting.....
1. Dont call me Gauntsy. 2. Get me out of here, and I'll keep them busy all day long.
"Hmmm, all day long?" There's the shit eating grin. "My my, I knew you and Celestia were clo-"
-Fucking go there and I'll bury you. SIX FEET IN THE FUCKING GROUND.
"My My. Such language." He grunted, before crossing his arms disapprovingly. Then, with a snap of the claw, I felt my prison breaking. Best feeling EVER. Next, thing I know, Im on the ground. Actually blinking, and breathing, and feeling. God what a rush! That feeling almost made up for those centuries of imprisonment. ALMOST.
Ok, not even close. But I was free and high on life, so you cant blame a guy.
"hehehehehahahaahahahahahaha!" First words, or sounds out of my mouth. Yea I was feeling preety good.
"Ah, my thoughts exactly my friend" He placed a pawn on my shoulder. Honestly, I wouldve smacked it away, but the rush of senses seeping into me, I welcomed the contact. "But, I must be off! Chaos waits for no one! Tata!" Just like that, he was gone. But I had much more pressing matters to be concerned with.
Very important matters.
"Where's the bathroom?!"
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Ooooh...
Interesting...
*reads*
I may be mistaken, but I just cracked up!
YEEAAAAH!!
KEEP THIS STORY ROLLING!!!!!!! NEVER CANCEL IT!!!!!! OR I WILL FIND YOU!!!!
4839615 img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120418052354/mlp/images/6/64/FANMADE_YEAH!!!.gif
4840006 Then that is quite the incentive to continue.
LoHAV detected.
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/004/924/FUCKINGANGRY_square.jpg
CLEANSE AND PURGE
wh40k.lexicanum.de/mediawiki/images/thumb/a/a4/AngryMarines.jpg/410px-AngryMarines.jpg
4840990 YOU'RE NOT FUCKING ANGRY ENOUGH TO FUCKING USE THAT PICTURE, YOU COCK-SUCKING CUM-CHUGGER!!!
A WH40K crossover? With what looks like an Angry Marine gauntlet? Aweso- oh, it's a costume fic.
Oh well, let's see if this is any better than the others.
Unoriginal title. Very unoriginal premise. Poor descriptions, and what is being described is completely bland. The dialogue is just as bland. The main character is already completely obnoxious, acts just the same as pretty much every other bland and obnoxious main character in the vast majority of these fics, and I'm sure we're going to have distracting and pointless flashbacks showing what idiot ball was given to Celestia to make her OOC enough to turn him into stone, and I'm sure it will be filled with such witty remarks like calling her sunbutt. I mean, Sunbutt, right? It's clever! Oh I'm so funny.
Huh, sorry for the unintended rant at the end. But, considering how 99% of the characters in these fics tend to call Celestia "Sunbutt" (I guess the characters think they're being funny when it actually just makes them look stupid), so I honestly wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see this guy do the same.
4841947 Well, that was a very blunt review. Not quite sure what to say.
4839615
yay!
First you say it then ya do it. Oh crap
4842663
No, I do fear I'll never be able to top your rage. But you wanna bet I can make you go full Exterminatus with two words?
4842687
Please don't. My rage-meter is running low from all the capslock.
4842689
"spiritual liege"
4842694
*head explodes from sheer rage*
I've noticed a bad tendency for these kind of stories. If there is cursing, there is so much it distracts from the story.
Started reading, it felt like one of those jock kinda fellas telling a story about how he totally banged that cheerleader yesterday.
The F-bombs are kinda distracting in the narrative, and the way the narrator himself addresses the audience is kinda...'keep your distance buddy' inducing for me.
My face was cramped up in an epic frown for at least half a minute when I saw the title of chapter one. Don't make me remember the biggest failure of a returning franchise that butchered my childhood gaming memories
Also quite some grammar and tense errors just made me stop reading altogether, despite me really loving WH40k related stories. Guess not my style in the end.
Interesting. Although I suggest you acquire an editor so that the grammar and punctuation errors, which detract from the story, will be fixed.
-Spirit
Please us spellcheck man, I mean damn man parts were almost painful for me to read because of misspelled words.
4845334
4844639 Ok, went back and spelled checked and edited a few things. Hopefully that looks better. First part lit up like a Christmas tree with all the errors.....
4845361 Great. Can't wait for the next chapter!
There will be violence, right?
Feels kinda rushed, and you need an editor. But otherwise, you're doing pretty well!
I'm assuming that 'Guants' is short for 'Gauntlets' in which case 'Guants' should be 'Gaunts'.
Unless Guants is short for something else and I'm having a major oversight?
4846605 No, your right and I just can't spell. Dam, I need an editor
4846816
No, you're right, and I just can't spell. Damn, I need an editor.
4848094 my point exactly.
NO
We are not fucking doing this shit again
4842005
Crap, I'm sorry about that. I tend to be blunt, but not usually that blunt. For what it's worth, the reason my comment was so blunt is that I really enjoy a good crossover fic (especially if it isn't a fusion), and these costume fics have been one massive disappointment after another, especially since I see one and expect a pretty rare crossover, only to find yet another costume fic. Seeing what looked like a WH40K crossver only for it to be another costume fic just really bothered me, and I took that out on you by leaving a comment that was way more abrasive than I meant it to be.
I still hold the criticism I left in my comment, but I could have (and should have) worded it much better. That was completely wrong of me to take my frustration with these costume fics out on you, and for that I sincerely apologize.
4849076 That's quite alright friend. I myself enjoy a good crossover fic. Also, in fact the fist is a Warhammer 40k fist. It was the closest to what I imagined they looked like in the story.
Skip to 2:10
Oh my god. That last part
4849721 OPPRESSED AT LAST!
Also, on a side note, when I saw the grammar and punctuation errors in this story, this happened;
....I blame you for the loss of my eyesight.
5030279 I GOY U GURL! HUZZAH! MORTIS EZTAGOSTA! *EXPLOSION!* THERE! THEY ARE FIXED!
So many artificial lakes in this chapter...
If you're going to 'curse' at least spell out the correct word!
Oh my.
Fists of fury, more like fisting furries, amirite?
6414891 we all know she wants some of those fists to herself
Ha ha ha. Oh thats great.
Oh, even better