Twilight Sparkle Solves Carnivory

by Between Lines

The Legendary Tale of Twilight Sparkle, May None Forget Her Name

"Princess Celestia! You actually made it!" Twilight Sparkle bounced about, her wings flapping like an excited chicken despite the crowd of reporters shuffling anxiously before her. Above her, a banner hung from shining brass polls, the words 'behold the future' emblazoned on the gently waving fabric. Off to the side, the other elements of harmony smiled warmly in support of their friend.

"Of course, Princess Twilight." Celestia bowed, Twilight flushing and rushing to bow as well. "I would never question your judgement on the future of Equestria. If you say it is an effort of such gravity as to demand my presence, then I have no choice but to appear."

"Thank you for your support, Princess." She finally rose from her bow, and turned a warm smile first upon her friends, then upon the crowd. "Thank you all for your support. I know I've only been a princess a short time, especially compared to my forebears, but with the faith and confidence everypony has shown in me, I have every hope of reaching the same heights as my peers." There was a solid wave of appluause from the crowd, and Twilight blushed even more. Slowly, she waved their applause down."Today, I hope to make a leap towards that goal, but in order to understand just what I hope to accomplish, I think everypony could use a little background..." With a flare of her horn, a glowing presentation screen popped into existence beside her.

Everypony immediately groaned.

"Hey!" Twilight snapped, her voice slipping into its familiar role of 'annoyed librarian.' "My lectures are not boring! They're a cornucopia of fascinating facts woven around a narrative that is an educational adventure!"

"You know," Rainbow muttered quietly from the sidelines, "I knew seeing Twilight read a book called 'adventures in teaching' was gonna end badly."

"Rainbow!" Rarity hissed, delivering a delicate yet firm hoof upside Rainbow's head. "Don't be rude! Twilight's trying to better the pony condition. You could at least show some respect by listening."

"Oh, just like you?" Rainbow shot back.

"I... well... of course like me!" Rarity quickly got her floundering confidence under control.

"Uh huh, then what did Twilight just say?" Rainbow leaned back with a smug grin as the color drained from Rarity's face. How color could drain from white fur, however, would probably make a good topic for Twilight's next lecture.

"W-well, she just..." Rarity struggled for a second longer, before huffing and falling into a pout. "Fine, perhaps she can be a bit obtuse when it comes to her audience." As if on cue, a loud snore erupted from somewhere amidst the listening ponies. It quickly ended in a startled snort as one of Twilight's note cards found itself levitated directly into his mouth.

"As I was saying," Twilight drew herself up and cleared her throat, before again resuming her soporific lecture on what appeared to be the structure of the equine duodenum.

"This reminds me of the paint wall." Pinkie whispered softly, her bouncy curls perilously close to critical body failure. "I mean, it's always super duper important to support your bestest friends in the world, but this is really boring."

"I kinda have to agree, Sugarcube." Applejack shook her head, her eyes wandering briefly up to her stetson as she contemplated whether or not she could pull it down for a nap. "She's really got herself wrapped up in this little project of hers."

"Five bits says it some boring law or something." There was a soft smack, and Rainbow shot Rarity a glare. "Hey, just calling it like I see it!"

"Rainbow, she's right there!" Rarity pointed at the mare in question, Twilight now pointing out key aspects of an inscrutable line chart. "Can you imagine how hurt you'd be if your friends were ignoring your big day?"

"Big day is right. I mean, how long have we been here already?" Rainbow briefly glanced at her hoof, before remembering the only watch she'd owned had been drawn on. "Uuuugh, it feels like forever."

"Maybe it is forever." Pinkie's voice had dropped to a soft mutter, her hair finally hanging limp. "How do we know it hasn't? I think... I think I remember fun. Do I? Was there fun? Or was it merely the fleeting echos of a half forgotten dream, muttered twixt those ephemeral hours of slides thirty five and thirty six?"

"Okay, yeah, I think we're starting to lose it." Rainbow made to get up, only for a field of azure magic to sit her back down.

"Honestly!" Rarity's head whipped between Pinkie and Rainbow. "You two are worse than the cutie mark crusaders! Just sit still and respect your friend like proper ladies."

"I hope Scoots remembers me when I'm gone." Rainbow groaned. "Just think, speedster hero slain by boredom."

"Where, um, are they?" Fluttershy piped up, her voice only barely audible above Twilight's background drone. "The crusaders I mean?"

---

Apple Bloom sighed, the act spraying up a choking cloud of dust. She hacked for a few seconds, forced to spit out the pudding cup she'd been using to dig, then quickly waved her friends forward. A dim green glow filled the tunnel as Sweetie Belle advanced, leading a noticeably claustrophobic Scootaloo.

"Pegasai weren't meant to dig, Apple Bloom! I don't wanna die down here!" She huddled against herself, eyes glaring at the low ceiling as though it were some terrible maw of fangs.

"Y'all are welcome to go back," Apple Bloom snapped, her words immediately cowing the Pegasus. "Me, though, I wanna see my home again." Her voice softened, and she suddenly hugged all her friends close. "I want all of us to see home again."

"You really think she'd go on forever?" Sweetie Belle whispered.

"I reckon she just might. Now I need another pudding cup. How many we got left?" Apple Bloom sighed, taking one last look at her former digging implement, its cracked rim now useless for scooping dirt.

"Two, and they're both strawberry." Sweetie pulled a face. "I hate strawberry."

"Well, I bet you hate growing up in a folding chair too." Apple Bloom nodded resolutely. "We have to keep going, strawberry or no."

"Do you think Rainbow will be okay?" Scootaloo whimpered, until Apple Bloom's hoof pulled her close.

"She's gonna be fine, Scoots," Apple Bloom said. "She's a big mare, she can handle herself."

---

"I'm dyyyyying," Rainbow moaned. "I can feel the boredom coursing through my veins like the venom of the rare gold scaled death adder of the Tlextila jungle!"

"I must concede," Rarity muttered, her eyes drooping dangerously, "even my endurance is beginning to flag."

"Time is an illusion," whispered Pinkie, "lunchtime doubly so."

"Ain't it time for lunch yet?" Applejack glared up towards the sun. "Or, I dunno, a stretch?"

"And now, to the point of this event!" Every head in attendance snapped up at Twilight's words, as though they'd been doused straight into a glacial river atop the very pole of the world. "As I've shown, the divide between herbivores and carnivores has long been one only barely bridged, preventing a proper flow of culture and communication between the two. Today, I change all that. Today, I present the olive branch that will finally bring our two societies together... in harmony." At her words, the massive stage backdrop opened.

And deathly silence fell.

"Oh sweet Celestia, what is that?" Though the words were spoken by only one within the crowd, their sentiment was mirrored on every face present.

"It's a meat tree!" Twilight declared, gesturing at the twisted, pulsing abomination that appeared to be bleeding all over the stage.

There was nothing. Nary a single sound rose from those ponies in attendance. Then, the first one vomited, his once wholesome lunch of oats and barley voided all over the pony in front of him. Struck by the smell--and in some cases the actual vomit--another dozen ponies began to heave their food all over the ground. Within seconds a terrible domino effect had begun, the filthy sea of emesis washing out like the blast wave of some foul explosion. A terrible symphony of liquid noises and horrified screams rose before the Princess Twilight Sparkle, who could only watch as the situation spiraled out of control.

"Rarity! Take my hoof!" Rainbow screamed, flying overhead as Rarity clung desperately to the top of her chair.

"Rainbow, I--" She extended her hoof, only for another wave of the smell to hit her, and force said hoof back to her mouth as she turned a deep seafoam green. "Oh Celes--" She hunched over and heaved into the sea of sloshing digestive fluid slowly rising around her, even as her chair started to sink into the rapidly softening ground.

"Rarity, come on!" Rainbow tried to lift her underneath her forehooves, but dodged back as another wave of vomiting wracked her. "Watch it! Don't splash me!"

"It's too late for me." Rarity declared, her eyes watering both from the smell and her own dramatic sacrifice. "Save the others!" With a final moan, she slumped against the back of the chair, upsetting its balance on the now muddy ground and pitching herself into the horrific slurry of soil and half digested daisies.

"Eeeuuuuggghh," Rainbow winced. "Sorry Rares." She flew up higher to get a better impression of the disaster. And a disaster it was: everywhere, the tide of upchucking continued to spread, the ground turning any number of unsavory colors as more and more ponies were overwhelmed by the reeking deluge. Those pegasai that tried to fly away were simply caught by the rising stench and forced to spew on those below in a terrible lukewarm rain. And in the middle of it all, Twilight Sparkle looked on in horror. "Twilight, do something!"

"I-I... this wasn't supposed to happen!" Twilight could only watch as even her stately mentor leaned over the stage and doused some poor mare in an alicorn's worth of used orange juice and tea. "I was supposed to bring about a golden age!"

"I'd call it more green-brown," Pinkie quipped, her spirits revitalized by so much excitement.

"Wait!" Twilight glanced at Pinkie and Rainbow. "Why aren't you two throwing up?"

"Month old gym bags." Rainbow answered.

"A lifetime of baked bads." Pinkie said.

"I see." She briefly wondered at her own immunity, until her gaze strayed over the meat tree, which she had become totally indifferent to over months of work. "Alright, I may have lost perspective on this one. Think Twilight, how are you going to stop this? There has to be a solution!"

---

"So," Luna said, sitting beside her still somewhat pungent sister, "you made every equine unable to vomit."

"I, uh," Twilight giggled nervously, "it seemed like a really good idea at the time."

"Might I suggest updating your definition of 'good?'" Though her voice was serious, a small smile tugged at Luna's lips. "Though I suppose worse things have happened than removing 'puke' from the common vernacular."

"I just... I was going to bring the world together, and I nearly tore it apart." Twilight let out a heavy sigh. "Rarity still isn't talking to me, and the crusaders nearly drowned. I still have no idea what they were doing in a tunnel to begin with."

"I understand what it can be like to make a poor decision," Luna replied, her smile becoming gentle and soft. "Probably better than most. As far as our transgressions go, I'd say you've come out the better. You shall recover, as will your friends."

"Besides," Celestia cut in, still slightly green, "the affair wasn't a total loss. Several prominent authorities on carnivore and herbivore relations have seized on your meat tree presentation as a powerful piece of performance art. Admittedly, they do see the tree as a--quote--screaming indictment of our attempts to force herbivore norms upon carnivores." She smiled softly. "You may yet achieve the very goal you set out for."

"That's good I suppose." Twilight scratched her head. "I'm still not sure about replanting the tree in the Everfree, though."

"Don't worry about that, Twilight." Celestia giggled. "How do you think the Everfree got that way in the first place?"

Comments

[resonance]

i1.ytimg.com/vi/ZJrXvuVi9ww/maxresdefault.jpg

i just....

[Trent Roogna]

To the herbivores of the world, I offer this message: [youtube= www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmK0bZl4ILM]

[Between Lines]

4657168 your link seems to have had a slight formatting issue.

[Kind of Brony]

Actually, the idea wasn't half bad. As long as the meat produced was good tasting, I wouldn't see any reason to go through all the effort of raising and then killing cattle just for a steak. I wonder if what kind of meat tree Twilight had made anyway. Beef? Chicken? Pork? Salmon?

If the tree is openly bleeding, I'd be a bit worried about food poisoning. We have skin for a reason, after all.

[Between Lines]

4657211
Oh, that's why I picked it! A meat tree is a legitimate idea! It's just potentially repulsive to the common folk, especially since it would require a pulse to keep nutrient fluid flowing swiftly enough to keep the tissues oxygenated. Even if its cold blooded, the metabolism would be too high for evapotranspiration to provide sufficient flow-through. And as xylem and phloem weren't designed to operate under compressive pressures like those in a cardiovascular system, I suspect you would have some bleeding and leaking.

I actually thought about this a bit!

[Utopianking]

Meat tree, there are worse ideas. Now for panic mode.
Ah, Pinkie has broken the forth wall! I must get Guide 2.0 and flee from this dimension!

[Between Lines]

4657307
It's not breaking the fourth wall if it's a universal truth.

[Dinkledash]

They weren't expecting a meat tree! They got hambushed!

[Trent Roogna]

4657192
Probably better this way. No embedded video to eat bandwidth, and anyone who cares can copy the link into their browser.

If your curious, it's a song by The Arrogant Worms called 'carrot juice is murder'

[Between Lines]

4657418

Why do my stories always generate wordplay?

[HighTreason25]

4657418 Oh, you wondrous, glorious asshole. You really went there. Like seriously. You're worse than Carlos from Magic School Bus.

[Weird Dragon]

I want a bacon tree

[Permanganate]

Pinkie gets the best line.

[Noble Thought]

That reveal had me laughing out loud, Lines. Kudos on a hilarious comedy! I wouldn't have guessed a meat tree...

I guess her experiments with the meat-tree-dish wasn't that successful.

[youtube=I0e7V2hzqI0]

[B_Munro]

A _proper_ pork chop tree grows 'em properly cooked already.

(Physiologically impossible, you say? What part of "magic" do you not understand?)

[Biplane]

Twilight Sparkle Loves Solving Things

I can't wait to read this!

[Swashbucklist]

Spike's got the right idea.

[Biplane]

"It's a meat tree!"

There. Right there. That's where I hit the favorite button.

[Ssendam the Masked]

I would buy this tree and have it pulsate horribly. I would play games with it.

[DrWhooves007]

At least I don't vomit and I would've love the lecture if everyone's stop complaining and just listen

[ThatClosetBrony]

4658634 Play...games? With it?
Wait, you're a guy, right?

Pulsate...

Eww...You don't even bother to use some blood as lube first?

[ThatClosetBrony]

I dunno, I quite like the idea of a meat tree.

"Don't worry about that, Twilight." Celestia giggled. "How do you think the Everfree got that way in the first place?"

Does not get.

[Ssendam the Masked]

4659687
Not THOSE kinds of games.
Yes I am a dude.
Not gay.
If I could, I'd teach it to throw balls at people I don't like.

Maybe a Bonsai Meat Tree. Yeah, that sounds good.

[Arxsys]

That was freaking amazing

[Arxsys]

i1.ytimg.com/vi/YzQay4ihJ4o/maxresdefault.jpg

[jothki]

4659690
The implication seems to be that the Everfree was once a normal forest that had been repeatedly used as a dumping ground for whatever abominations show up or are created. And now it has meat trees too.

[Magnafox]

The crusaders almost drowned?Vomit inside lungs?This is simply known as "aspiration". Should an infection result it will be called "aspiration pneumonia". Because of the acidity of stomach contents (vomit) it will begin to deteriorate the lung tissue. And should the vomit contain little bits of food that's even worse.Patients in these cases need to be artificially comatose and breathing through a tube in the lungs.Im a nurse and I've seen these situations.Good news is the lungs are quite a resilient organ so recovery is definately possible.

[Karna]

Stupid herbivores. Always thinking in terms of plants. Twilight went the wrong route with this one.

If she wanted naturally growing brainless meat, she should have just devised a way to farm clams, mussels, and oysters.

[Between Lines]

4661805
Nah, it's not just brainlessness. Eating the oyster kills the oyster, whereas harvesting the delicious sirloin fruit leaves the tree alive and otherwise healthy.

[Karna]

4661900

Ponies eat bread. And hay. And flowers.

They kill their food plants all the damn time. Freaking hypocrites.

[Doctor Nightmares]

4661900 What if we was to like, just cut parts out of a animal, then sew them back up and let them heal before repeating the process. Surely, the healing time would be about same as the time it takes for fruits to ripen.

[BackgroundNoise]

4662507
They make a clear distinction between plants and animals as living beings... which, if you think about it, is actually rather foolish of them. One would think that the existence Timber Wolves implies that some plants may very well be more intelligent then others; but no, nobody seems to realize the implications.

[Karna]

4662862

To be fair, fruits are grown by plants specifically to be eaten, and then the seeds passed through a digestive system and deposited in a great big pile of fertilizer, so that's an improper comparison.

It works for things like tubers and mushrooms(I know, not plants), flowers, grains, grasses, etc. though. Vegetables. Actual vegetables, not fake ones like tomatoes.

4663135

Realizing that they're no better than carnivores would damage them. They wouldn't be perfectly sweet and innocent then!

*Thinks of all the jerkass ponies we've seen*

Oh wait, they never were.

[Biollante]

When ingenious practicality, and society's sensitivities collide. I wonder what vegetarians would do if meat COULD be grown separate from animals. It would throw the vegans for a loop especially since they champion, "We eat nothing that came from an animal." The concept of such a thing has interesting implications for society

Well written author, I applaud your comedic writing and ability to display something interesting to think about.

[Kaelzoroden]

4662862

That is possibly the most cruel method of meat farming I've ever heard of in my entire life.

[Between Lines]

4663958
Thank you! I enjoy putting thought provoking material in my stories, though sometimes, especially on the more absurd pieces, I don't get the opportunity to do so.

[Mr.Pink]

Yes because in my world we made a tree from steel, wires,wood and water and it makes $20 bills for the leaves

[Aotrs Commander]

Silly herbivores.

(Well, actually... that's debatable, since it is said ponies (by Pinkie specificially) are vegetarian which is, of course, not quite the same as "herbivore." I'm still personally convinced that ponies are in fact only culturally largely vegetarian (because eggs and baking and so on) and biologically omnivorous.)

4657628

Because we think it meats our expectations?

4657248

See, this, right here?

This is what gets you special bonus points.

[Aurora Dimmet]

4662507

Not to mention all the eggs they have to eat with the amount of cupcakes and cakes they consume.

[Aurora Dimmet]

4664171

Pinkie also did mention she was part of a hotdog eating contest, I believe. If it was hay or soy, she'd have said haydog or soydog. Like the burgers Twilight ate at the fast food store were hayburgers. She specifically said hotdog.

[SapphireSparks]

Proud to be your hundredth like.

[The Book]

It's 100% vegetarian approved.

[Djerid]

4663958 partially that is kinda why lab grown meat is so awesome. Especially if we can get the growth costs down to a acceptable level for mass production.

[SPudRum]

Meat tree..... Did you get your idea from Oskar Osaker cause that thing also have meat tree
(A meat tree that was grown by changing the tree genetic with Blacklight virus (Prototype 2))

[Between Lines]

4666645

Let's call it convergent intellectual evolution and leave it at that

[dnj110]

The crusaders nearly drowned in a flood of puke...

Okay, Ew. But I still give this a 10/10
You've earned yourself a like!

[Razalon The Lizardman]

That last line confuses me.

[Kai-Zr]

img.4plebs.org/boards/tg/image/1392/74/1392747984813.png
This could have worked too.

[Farnham]

giant.gfycat.com/ElatedHatefulBetafish.gif

[Didlsbrony4evah]

4664248
Yet in "Rarity takes Manehattan" we saw that Equestrian hotdogs are basically steamed carrots on a bun.