• Member Since 23rd Mar, 2014
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BronyDad


Loving husband and proud daddy of two girls

E

A timid and fearful Pegasus, Fluttershy often wishes that she could be more brave and assertive, like her best friend Rainbow Dash. Then, one day, while venturing into the Everfree Forest with two of her closest friends, her wish comes true. The three ponies accidently awaken a mysterious old willow tree that places a spell over them, a spell that switches their personalities.

Now, with their friendships pushed to the limits, can Twilight and the others convince Fluttershy that she was perfect the way she was, or will they lose their friend forever?

This is book 1 of my series. Also, a special thanks to Kired25 for my cover image. Check out his other work.

Author's Note: This story was written for a non-brony audience, so it will contain descriptions and explanations that bronies already know well. I understand that this will not appeal to everyone, but if you would like to experience these characters through fresh eyes, then look no further.
This story is now 100% approved by Twilight's Library!

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 90 )

Oh my.. I wasn't sure what to expect, but this is going to the top of my read list and favorites.

That opening hook was just perfect.

Liked, favorited, and followed.

EDIT: include the information at the top as an authors note in the bottom. It's the common format here, and I'd hate to see someone not read this because when they open the chapter they feel like they're looking at a resume

4131900 Done. Thank you for the edit comment, I'm still kinda new here. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story! :pinkiehappy:

Returning the favor on the critique! I'm a little tipsy, going to record my impressions as I make it through.
Let's do this.. :derpytongue2:

-Dat opening hook, still perfect

-Dat worldbuilding, I can smell it

-This is my meditation

-I could have not even watched the show and know what's going on

-Either a misindented line or a premature enter key before

Inside, the cottage

.
-Rainbow Crash ya done goofed.

-Ah love this dialogue! :ajsmug:

-Daaassshhhh why you gotta make me feel that typa way

-There seems to be a lot of 'said' used. Not a bad thing; it's a little less than neutral in that it doesn't add anything, but it takes away the opportunity to use something that adds to what the character is saying. I'd like to see some variety. Like this...

Gently tapping Fluttershy's head, Rainbow Dash said, "Hello, Equestria to Fluttershy, you are a Pegasus. Use your wings."

I feel like with such a facetious line something else would add quite a bit, like 'teased', and also with a flair with the punctuation like one of those upside down i things at the end. But with that said (ha) sometimes characters do just 'say' things and it's perfectly fitting in those contexts

-Now it's like the Baader-Meinhoff ffect with "said"

-Comma splice here

Hearing the disappointment in her friend's voice, Fluttershy sobbed, "I'm sorry, I just can't do it," and, bursting into tears, she sprinted away from the awful cliff.

Easier to read as

Hearing the disappointment in her friend's voice, Fluttershy sobbed, "I'm sorry, I just can't do it". Bursting into tears, she sprinted away from the awful cliff.

-said and upside down i's don't settle well in this sentence to me.

with an enormous smile, said, "You look like you have a mustache!"

-Maybe said -> plead? Faltered? Depends on what you want Flutterbutter to convey with this, if it's frantic, or solemn, or affirming. Said may be the right choice, but it connotates with indifference

then turned to Pinkie Pie and said, "I'm so sorry for knocking you down that hill, Pinkie."

-Said is used perfectly here, to me

"Nope, not at all," said Pinkie Pie with a smile as she stood back up.

- I feel that as I was reading, I imagined Pinkie taking a pause during this as if she almost came to the realization she had no idea where she was. If that's what you meant to write, I'd love to have seen a ponderous expression or if not, something like "Pinkie chortled, ..." Also, this kind of ends the encounter with pinkie as suddenly as it began, as if it were a cameo. On one hand, it felt almost forced. On the other, that's totally pinkie.

Beaming brightly, Pinkie Pie said, "I'd love to, but I have no idea where I am." Then she turned and skipped away through the dense brush, singing, "Lalalalalalala."

-Oh wait, nope, there she is.

-You truly have a talent for world building. The aside about the weeping willow is laureate-worthy

-Holy. What.
Yes.

Overall, the piece is very well done. Amazing world building, and there's just something about the way that you describe light in particular that adds so much not just to the scenery, but to the tone and the story itself. When I went off on tangents about 'said', it's not a bad thing at all. I'd rather see an abundance of said than have to open a dictionary every sentence. Sometimes characters do just say things, but other times they jest or prod or sneer and it always adds to the dialogue to see that reflected. gr8/8 would read again

4176763 LOLZ! :rainbowlaugh:
I absolutely loved your breakdown, you had me chortling the whole time. I know I have a problem using said, I got so far into the story and started noticing it and swept back through, but apparently missed the first chapter. Let me know if you notice it in later chapters, I will sweep through them today myself...if the children will let me.... They are kinda being brats today.:twilightangry2:
I'm glad you enjoyed the descriptions and dialogue, and hope you continue to enjoy the rest of the book. And thank you so much for taking the time to write out your reaction, it really means a lot to me.

4176763 Oh yeah, and the misindent. I don't know what's going on there. There are a few more parts where, for whatever reason, I cannot make the paragraph indent. You have any idea why?

4177750

Thanks BD, I was feeling the cider pretty hard last night. I had to celebrate getting acing the 12-page research paper on Roman political electioneering that I pulled out of my bum in 4 hours and reading your piece really pulled together the whole experience. I also started reading "On The Road" by Jack Kerouac and felt inspired to do a stream-of-consciousness review haha

It was very refreshing doing a review on a piece where I wasn't having to quote an instance of "you're -> your" every sentence. Gave me more time to do a critical analysis on word choice, and wonder why you chose what you did. I'm very critical of word choice in my own pieces; if something doesn't add to the experience, I nix it or find another word that will

Hope those kids are staying in line! Don't be afraid to use The Stare :yay:

And no problem BD! I really dig that you enjoyed my review. I think reviewing pieces is something that's mutually beneficial. It gave me the opportunity to enjoy the piece on a deeper level than the average reader, musing over your word choices and style, and you get the opportunity to read your piece through virgin eyes. Your criticism of Fear and Loathing was a breath of fresh air from the other comments I received on it, and my appreciation for that is sincere.

Also, on the topic of 'said', I can't express enough how much I don't want to see you go through your piece with a thesaurus. 72.6% of the time you used it, it worked. But when it can add something to a character's inflection, why not? If you've seen Maud Pie already, give this piece a read. Really taught me something about inflection on simple lines



4177834

As far as the misindent goes, I'm not sure entirely. I didn't have that problem in my piece, which I copy/pasted from where I wrote it on my tablet (KINGSOFT OFFICE DOESN'T HAVE SPELL CHECK WTF IS WIT THAT).

For FaLiLP I double spaced between paragraphs, I'm not sure if that had anything to do with the lack of formatting issues. I chose it as a personal preference, as it's easier on the eyes for me. Did you import from GoogleDocs?

4179309 Lol, you should totally start a group called Drunken Reviews, I would SO join! And congrats on your 12 page paper, Twilight would be so proud. :twilightsmile:
Oh my God do I wish I had the ability to use the stare on them, that would make my life so much easier. Although I probably wouldn't use it on them...I'd use it on the wife, maybe then I'd win an argument for once!
I was just getting ready to submit this to Equestria Daily now that I got an image that goes well with the story, but, now that I've seen how awesome your review of chapter 1 was, I'm going to wait for you to finish to submit. Seriously, I was impressed with how deep you got into it, everyone else who has read it only pointed out little things that I overlooked, none of them ever got that deep. Now I can't wait for you to get to a few later scenes and see what you think of them!
I copied and pasted this from Microsoft office, its where I do all my work. Speaking of work, do you do any other writing? Cause you seem damn good at breaking stuff apart and examining it. I don't know what you are attending college for, but a side career as an author may not be such a bad idea......

4181029

Ha thanks, that's actually not a bad idea... Once I get more invested in fimfic I'll definitely start that group.

And I'd love the stare, just think of the possibilitiesssss

And I'd hold off on an EQD upload too, if for no other reason to get some support behind the story.

Aww, thanks I'd enjoy a job as a pen-for-hire, but I doubt I'll ever pursue it. I complete in slam poetry events off the web but that's the extent of it. I'm at college for computer science. So I guess I'll kinda be writer, but for programs haha. I do love reviewing though, when I'm reading, I question an authors word choices. It's nothing but an extra step to write it down.

Oh! And I just finished chapter 2 today of FaLiLP and I'll publish it tomorrow and we can crack open some brews and review each others chapter 2s this weekend. Two Confusing Mornings is a pretty tame chapter compared to the first.

4181146 I'm sorry, you confused me with the EQD comment, what do you mean get some support behind it? I thought the whole point of submitting to EQD was for the story to become more accessible. If you think I should wait, then I'll wait, but I don't seem to be stirring up much interest. I'm going to start posting it on some groups and see if that does anything. I know now that I screwed up by uploading the entire thing at the same time, I should have done it chapter by chapter like every other week or something. I could never have imagined the plethora of stories that got published every single day and I got buried alive.
Realistically, I probably won't get to your chapter 2 until Monday, but I will definitely read it and point out anything that bothers me. Have a good weekend!

Alright, it's Monday Funday here in Charleston so let's pour some Firefly and burn oil before the midnight rush to Wet Willy's

-alright, 5.2k that;s a pretty meaty piece of chapter

-I'm hooked by mops.

-programming in a nutshell

-apprentice, twilight sparkle. I can dig it

-I'd like to know why they called a princess to mop instead of Scruffy or using free foal labor

-does Equestria have an anti-foal labor act?

-okay, this is a hilarious premise. I'm lollin.

-CMC learned a lesson! Spike, take a letter....

-... Not so soon I guess.

- When I first read this piece, it was cool to see how accessible it was because the characters were described as if I could imagine them if I had never seen them. But now, it's almost like characters are being introduced with a cookie-cutter description; color, personality, cutie mark. As far as fimfic.net is concerned, I think we know what applejack looks like. Try focusing on her white desk and white paper instead. Jk don't kill me

-You've got Applejack's dialogue down

-Control+F says this is the third time so far you've used

Frowning, Twilight

Twilight's pretty sad today I guess.

-Great worldbuilding for Ponytown, but I'd have liked to have seen it parallel to the AJ and Twi hurrying through town. Describing the journey as they take it. It took the focus off the duo for like a lot of words.

- 0____o

"ya know how she likes playin' with them foals."

rated M for mature

-OH sHUT :pinkiegasp:

-I love your Sliver Spoon description, shows she can be a b- when she wants to be (in the show) but is really just an emotional lil' filly

-conflicting tense

were several tables equip with

-So much had, might be able to ixnay it

Crossing the room, Twilight had to suppress a giggle as she noticed the look Applejack gave the fitting rooms. Applejack had always found the fitting rooms silly, since, as she had told Rarity several times before, ponies don't normally wear clothes.

-Today I learned my bedroom is more formerly known as an "inspiration room"

- No matter how drunk I get, I'll never miss a comma splice

Despite the room's terrible shape, however, Rarity never cleaned it.

- Rarity's intro was very well done

- Lines like this you can skip the ____ said, ____ed/ly "_____" and just use dialogue since we know who'd be saying it, with applejack claiming the next line

"Sorry," Twilight said, embarrassed, "we called when we came in, but I guess you didn't hear."

-I like this exchange

- disbelief is... question?

"Pinkie Pie...doesn't want attention," Rarity stammered in disbelief.

-Numbah Four

Frowning, Twilight

- Commaaaahamaaa SPLICEE!!!!

So far, all she knew was that Pinkie Pie had lost part of her memory, she couldn't remember waking up or going outside, and had no idea how she had gotten to Stirrup Street. She had also forgotten a birthday.

-unnecessary & &/or comma

Several hundred feet above them was Fluttershy, zooming through the air at exceptionally high speeds, and performing advanced aerial maneuvers.

-H a rararar, you dog

-

Tipping her fedora, Applejack answered, "I think so, m'lady."

Overall, awesome. Great shifts, but I'd have liked to have seen some more focus on our duo during the worldbuilding as if seeing it through their eyes. It makes my feel more like I'm zooming out on google earth than experiencing the story, yaknow? There were definitely a fair amount of moments where I was pushing through the story, either there were parts that could be trimmed & tightened up, but that may be because a lot of the description is redundant for fimfic readers (but necessary for non-fans) so you may have a systemic issue there. The story is a very accessible, relaxing read and I want to see if their bodies were switched, or if they were just imbued with each others' personality traits BUT DON"T TELL ME YET OKAY??

4200491 I'm glad you enjoyed the mops and the CMC, I thoroughly enjoyed writing that part. I'll check out the frowning Twilights, that's something I hadn't noticed. You should have seen all the "all rights" I had when I did my first edit read. I used it 20 times in the first chapter alone! I actually had to comb through the entire story to remove them...
it was horrible:raritydespair:
Oh, just FYI, Twilight isn't a princess. I began this the same week that the episode Magic Duel aired, so I had no idea that Twi would become a princess, or that there was going to be an episode that switched the character's cutie marks. I was well into chapter 4 by the time I found out about Magical Mystery Cure.

I get what you mean with Ponyville's description, but its just my style, I do it in all my works. When I was beginning to write, I worried that my bird's eye description would throw off the flow of the story, but I soon realized that many great authors do the same. Like Victor Hugo, the author of The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, which is an amazing book by the way. So I'm really not too concerned there...I hope that doesn't make me sound bigheaded.
I love you for your comma splice detector, I totally missed those and will fix them shortly. And I must know, you put "hararara you dog," what was that pertaining to?
Also, what's actually happening is three space hamsters from the planet Neewong landed in Equestria and have burrowed into the ponies' brains! It's true! I would never lie to someone I respect as much as you! :scootangel:

4201235

I totally get that about the Victor Hugo styling, I swear that man is the king of description. In Les Mis when he wrote three whole pages about a darn tree? Power swoon. But I totally see it in your writing style now; I did enjoy the description, and it was well handled. It's just my opinion that I would like to have not lost track of the characters during it.

It makes sense that you included this before MMC, I'd like to have seen something in the description about that.

I have no idea what I was calling rararare a dog in reference to :rainbowhuh: haha

4203452 Alrighty, I have added an authors note in chapter one explaining that I wrote this before Magical Mystery Cure, so hopefully that will prevent any further confusion with future readers. Also, I love your opinions (even the ones I don't agree with) so please give them all to me! Every time you critique one of my chapters, I see it in a new light, and that can only be a good thing.
Oh, and I lost track of how long I laughed after you admitted that you had no idea why you put "ha rarara you dog" :rainbowlaugh: Oh the things alcohol does to us.......

Wow, this story. It's so brilliant and creative! Why does it not have more views!? :rainbowkiss:

Well, I can tell you my theory. Your summary is too long and filled with a lot of fluff. While the story itself may be great, readers won't know it's great if the summary doesn't tell them it's great. And people won't even read the summary if it's a wall of text.

Just my 2 cents. Brought to you by me and Vengeful Spirit. :twilightsmile:

4207124 This g(irl)uy brought me here.
:D

Comment posted by BronyDad deleted Apr 24th, 2014

4207124 Yes, but I feel that it is now part of who she is, so it can't really be denied. That being said, I totally didn't see it coming and so she won't be a princess until my 5th story. I'm glad that she did, though, cause it actually makes the storyline I've created even better!
It was quite a shock to get on this morning and find three new people suddenly here, I'm happy to see that you've enjoyed the beginning, and I hope you will continue to enjoy the rest!

You've got some pretty basic errors on punctuation. But nothing too localized to where I can say "work on x." It's not too bad, either, but you definitely need another go-over by either yourself or an editor.

Paragraph formatting. Don't get me wrong, you aren't doing it wrong. But on the other hand, you could be doing it better. The indented paragraph style you are using appears as a massive wall of text. But here's the great thing, since we're on a computer, paper isn't a problem! You can make put as many extra lines in between paragraphs as you want! (Not that I recommend it.) I would recommend switching over to the un-indented, spaced paragraph style (such as in this comment); it really helps with readability.

Telling. You have it.

"Sorry," Twilight said, embarrassed

Here is one example of telling. In case you didn't know, telling is when you "tell" the readers something instead of "show." It's kind of hard to describe, but let me give you that same sentence, but reworded to show how she is "feeling."

"Sorry," Twilight said, ears falling back against her head as she blushed

See what I mean? Here is the way I think of it: if you were another character in the story, how would you know how X pony is feeling? What body actions give them away?

4362125 Thank you for taking the time to look over my work and provide critiques. Although I may not agree with everything you say, know that I really do appreciate it.
I know the punctuation isn't perfect, every time I re-read the story, I make little corrections here and there. However, if you are referring to the Oxford commas, I will argue until both of our faces are blue that they are necessary.
I understand what you are saying about the paragraphs, but I just don't like having all those spaces in my story. I started it off like that, and it just bothered me. It's just my personal preference.
I do understand the difference between telling and showing, and I agree with what you are saying, except for in dialogue. I'm sure you've noticed that I don't shun detail, but I like to keep my dialogue nice and smooth. I like to refer to the KISS method, Keep It Simple Stupid. I try not to bog it down with too much detail. I'm telling you she's embarrassed when she said "I'm sorry," because I want you to know her tone. She isn't blushing, but she's saying it in a kind of "Oops" way.
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to do this. It's obvious that you know what you are talking about, and, even when I don't agree with a critique, it gets my mind going and helps my work. Also, I'll soon be reading your Luna and Celestia hunt Derpy story, and I look forward to returning the favor.
Happy writing!:heart:

Ayyy buddyyyyyy :pinkiehappy: broke the bank on 2 dollar Pacificos at the Sandbar tonight. Got my lappy and I'm feelin happy. I missed this! :rainbowlaugh:

Smiling, Applejack tipped her hat in appreciation, and, glancing into the sky to be sure Fluttershy was following, led the way to the library.

What rhymes with Llama Mice? Comma Splice :twilightblush:

home of Mr. and Mrs. Cake, their twin babies, Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake, and Pinkie Pie, who was a live-in employee.

I understand what you're ssayin here because I know who PoC&PuC are but the comma makes it seem like you're mentioning the twins, and then PoC&PuC as separate entities. Outside of a superlative clause (Tthink that;s the name for non-oxford commas) it's chill, but inside it's confusing, yaknow? I think that comma between the babies and Pound could go. Either that or it could go as a full clause at the end.

icing eaves

Idk what an eave is but it's probably some victorian era architectural term and I'm a uncultured pleb for not knowing it

The second and third floor resembled a pair of stacked cupcakes with pink icing, as well as three candles stuck in the top, and the weather vane horse held a candy cane.

Run on sentence

:heart::heart::heart: Lyraaaa! :heart:

:applecry::applecry::applecry: ... Lyra? :pinkiesad2:

and was equip with a telescope,

I LOVE this paragraph about Golden Oaks but I think your tenses are conflicting

Standing on the center of the table was a finely detailed wood carving of a horse's head, its ears up and attentive, as if it were listening to a story being told. The bookshelves, which were masterfully carved from the wood of the walls, were crammed full of every type of book that could be imagined.

love love love love

"Really, Twilight," Applejack indicated the others, "where else round here can a pony go to get this messed up in a single mornin'?"

love love love

Ha this chapter is gold

Owlowiscious

I've always wondered how this is spelled.

Despite all of this, however

Thus is redundant, right? Aren't the phrases "despit all of this" and "however" identical in context? Just use one or the other. Also I rarely ever see however used in the middle of a sentence, it;/s usually a bookend.

Come on, Twilight, think, she desperately urged herself, your friends are counting on you for the solution, how could you possibly let them down? But I've never heard of a spell like this before. It doesn't matter, you are intelligent, resourceful, find a way! I can't. Yes, you can! What are your friends going to think of you if you can't solve this problem?

comma splice in beginning. Maybe some formatting to bring out the internal debate?

franticly

frantically


Ohhhhh I get it Lyra was crying over spilled milk


Nice chapter, really picked up there at the end. Besides these syntax issues and formatting it's well-developed. I'm telling you though, man! double space between paragraphs! It seems like every story on here does that and it's so much easier to read in my opinion. But it doesn't take away from the story that you don't yaknow? And your stories are blowing up!

It's good to be back in the saddle. Can't wait to read your new story!

4363267 God, I've missed you!:pinkiehappy:
Once again, thank you for the comma splice detection, and I am actually really embarrassed about the word frantically, I cannot believe that word got through....
The commas in the sentence about the Cakes and Pinkie gave me trouble, I kept coming back to it and scratching my head. I'll attack it again and see if I can't sort it out.
LOL!:rainbowlaugh: Eaves are simply the overhanging edge of a roof, nothing too fancy.
I'll check out the paragraph of Golden Oaks and see if I can fix the tense problems, I didn't even notice it before. As for the internal debate, I already see how I can fix that.
And I am absolutely thrilled that you got the spilled milk joke! You are the first person to have ever pointed that out!:yay:
4362125 Okay, I relent. Since both you and CatsWithGats have suggested double spacing, I'll go on ahead. I'm not big on it, but I guess when it comes to format, the reader is more important.
Thanks both of you for your comments!!:heart::heart:

4363491
Aww thanks man

Don't worry about a spelling here and there. An author ain't supposed to be the Ash Ketchum of mistakes, we can't catch 'em all.

Can't wait for your review of ch2 pt2 on Fear and Loathing, I got a new short coming out this week too & I'll start editing that one about falling apples and trees by the weekend I'm super stoked to start it. The short has spoilers from the finale though so don't start until you've seen it! IT"S SO GOOD.

This is truly an amazing story! You have all the personalities down well enough that I feel I'm reading an actual episode. Congratz as well for the scenery descriptions; that's something I'm still working on. I'm decent with dialogue, but scene building is still taking some practice. ANYway, I plan on finishing this tomorrow; I love where it's going.

CVD

4398141 Thanks for the compliments, they mean the world to me. :heart:
I hope you enjoy the ending as well, and don't forget to read my other story, I think it's going to put this one to shame.
Happy reading!:pinkiehappy:

As mentioned, the personalities and dialogues are down! The story's clear, and the idea is fluid. This is a nitpicky bone, but check out a few of these selected sentences and see if you agree with me here...

Confused, Twilight asked, "What is it?" as she stepped back inside.

...

"Really?" Fluttershy asked, uncertainly.

(^This one is particularly redundant in my opinion)

Nodding earnestly, Twilight said, "..."

Embarrassed, Fluttershy said with a sniffle, "..."

Smiling kindly, Applejack promised, "And we won't tell a soul, will we Twilight?"

...

"..." Fluttershy exclaimed, annoyed, "..."

The dialogue itself is great, but the stuff outside the quotation marks in the story somehow feel formulaic to me though I can't attribute it to one thing. Often, there were redundant word choices because the adjective describing the statement is implied in the character's line, either that or it feels like 'telling' instead of 'showing'. Sometimes the dialogue read like a script in the dialogue-heavy sections.

Again, this is really picky, and I feel weird about bringing it up because your apples story is just perfect so far and I'm not seeing these stylistic 'errors' that aren't really even errors and are just something that takes away from the flow or sticks out.

4426229 In a piece that has as much showing as this one, I'm not too concerned with a little bit of telling, but what you're pointing out is all in one scene. So, don't feel weird bringing it up, you're absolutely right, it needs to be fixed. Thanks again.

4363267

Smiling, Applejack tipped her hat in appreciation, and, glancing into the sky to be sure Fluttershy was following, led the way to the library.

What rhymes with Llama Mice? Comma Splice :twilightblush:

Know what rhymes with that? Not a comma splice. There shouldn't be a comma before "and," but that's not a comma splice. After removing the comma, this sentence is fine. :raritywink:

The second and third floor resembled a pair of stacked cupcakes with pink icing, as well as three candles stuck in the top, and the weather vane horse held a candy cane.

Run on sentence

Nope. That's not a run-on. The only coordinating conjunction that is in the sentence is punctuated correctly. Though, this line "as well as three candles stuck in the top" would have to be redone, as it isn't quite logically bound to the rest of the sentence.

"Really, Twilight," Applejack indicated the others, "where else round here can a pony go to get this messed up in a single mornin'?"

love love love

You "love love love" grammatical incorrectness? :raritydespair:
There aren't any speaking verbs in there, so the first portion of the dialogue shouldn't have a comma at the end; it should have a period (or a question mark). "Other" should have a period after it, and since "Where" is starting a new sentence, it should be capitalized.

Other than that, you made valid points. Just a friendly nudge that you might want to double check yourself when offering grammatical advice. :scootangel:

This post is Twist approved. :twistnerd:

4449610

Thanks for the critique on my critique. You're right, and I really appreciate your courtesy in your post, but cut me a little slack during my drunk reviews :twilightblush:

I totally agree with you on all fronts, and I'm actually pretty embarrassed. I may be putting my drunk reviews on hiatus after this :ajsleepy:

You "love love love" grammatical incorrectness?

I don't love love love grammatical incorrectness, I love love love the characterization in that line. I did not catch the grammatical error, so good call.

But you seem like you know your shit, happy writing broski

Without warning, Rarity had snatched Applejack's hat from her head and placed it on her own, smiling pleasantly as she fidgeted with it until it sat just right.

I laughed until I spilled my drink, which made me stop laughing. The setup was just perfect.

I didn't notice anything that stuck out at me in this chapter, it was really well done and the new formatting reads much, much easier on a monitor. Your characterization of zecora was spot-on, and the ending of the chapter was gave me a great laugh. I'd give it an 8/8

4463999 The fights over the hat were one of the most enjoyable things about writing this story, I'm glad you liked it so much!
Once you pointed this out,

The dialogue itself is great, but the stuff outside the quotation marks in the story somehow feel formulaic to me though I can't attribute it to one thing. Often, there were redundant word choices because the adjective describing the statement is implied in the character's line, either that or it feels like 'telling' instead of 'showing'. Sometimes the dialogue read like a script in the dialogue-heavy sections.

I've been combing through the chapters and cleaning up the dialogue. So hopefully you won't find anymore of those mistakes.

88milhasporhora.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/citizen_kane_clapping.gif

I loved this story! This was probably one of the most original pieces of fanfiction I've read in a while that has the same feeling as the show. I imagine though, in order to get this kind of story right, you must have really had to portray everyone exactly in character. Admittedly, this is probably some of the best characterizations of the cast that I've ever read on the site!

About your question for this going into the group, I will say this. Fluttershy may have been out of character for 95% of the story, but it was for good reason. Furthermore, the story emphasizes why Fluttershy's true personality gives her strength and how it's viewed by her friends as positive. It's her own traits that make her into a strong character and loved by so many. If the MLP team were to make a movie that focused on Fluttershy, this would probably be it!

Overall, this story was incredibly touching, funny, emotional, heartwarming, and reminded me why I love Fluttershy so much. The only grope I probably have is the paragraphs that describe past events from the show in extensive detail; we all know what has happened to the characters before and don't necessarily need an explanation. It isn't a biggy, but they kind of broke the story flow for me at times.

This will be added to "Fluttershy's Protectors", and I will also favorite, upvote, and follow! :yay:

4668188 Wow...thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as you did.:yay:
I'm very glad to be part of Fluttershy's Protectors, and will happily add any future Fluttershy stories I may write.

Also, thanks for the follow!:heart:

I'll admit it, I noticed this first because I felt like reading something by an older author. (Like me!) Anyway, pretty solid so far. I'm interested enough to want to keep reading, at any rate, and that's the main object for any author. :twilightsmile: Given the Comedy tag, I'm assuming this won't be played entirely straight, and that there'll be a bit of silliness to come. But I'll see in due course!

Though this isn't a criticism as such, you spend a lot of time describing Ponyville and the Mane Six. Given that everyone reading the story is likely to be familiar with the show, it's not as if you needed to do that. I think it's very harsh on Fluttershy to say that she was "always disappointing her friends", but otherwise your characterisation seems pretty good. The writing is pretty solid, with only minor bits of choppiness, as other commenters have mentioned.

Two small quibbles: the "twenty percent cooler" line is really, really overused these days, and I'm not sure Applejack would ever use the nickname "Dashie". But the pluses outweigh the minuses so far, and I intend to stick with the story! :twilightsmile:

4723893

you spend a lot of time describing Ponyville and the Mane Six. Given that everyone reading the story is likely to be familiar with the show, it's not as if you needed to do that.

Yeah, I get this a lot, but I also hear from people who love how accessible I make them. Also, I didn't write this for Fimfiction or bronies. In fact, I didn't even know all that much about bronies when I wrote this.

As for being harsh on Fluttershy, I'm not saying that she is disappointing the others, it's just the way she feels. The whole story is about her learning that she is incorrect in thinking this way. And where did you find Applejack using Dashie? That was definitely a mistake, and I thought I corrected it. If you wouldn't mind pointing out the sentence, I really want to fix it.

Thanks for your opinions, I love reading what people think and discussing it with them. I'm glad you've enjoyed the story so far, and hope that continue to enjoy the rest.:pinkiehappy:

4724631 Thanks very much for the reply! :pinkiehappy: I've finished (and enjoyed) the story now, and I'll get to that in a minute, but to reply to one or two of your own points first:

I didn't write this for Fimfiction or bronies.

Ah, that explains the descriptions, then. As a purely brony/FimFic-targeted story, I think it might have been more effective if those had been pared back (maybe making the whole story about 10% shorter) but since that's not what you were writing, I can't really complain.

And where did you find Applejack using Dashie?

There were a couple in chapter 2, but you've changed those to "Dash" since I downloaded the file! There's still one in chapter 5:

"Uh, Pinkie...er, Dashie...um..." Applejack stammered, then yelled, "There's a tail a-twitchin' here!"

Anyway, as promised, a few comments about the story as a whole! I enjoyed it, as I said. I thought you generally nailed the characterisation (Rarity, especially, was loads of fun) and the subplot about Fluttershy's decision in the latter part of the story was excellent. I'm not usually one for extended battle scenes, but the Timberwolves kept me interested. I liked the idea of the Sun Glow, and Rainbow taking Fluttershy back to see the field was a really lovely touch. Luna was used well, too, and the epilogue was nice.

Because of the aforementioned issue with detailed descriptions, for me it did drag just a little at times. There were a few minor issues with vocabulary (eg in chapter 9, you have "admirably" when you mean "admiringly") but nothing terrible. Your chapter breaks are unusual, in that they're sometimes halfway through a scene; I'm sure that's deliberate, and I don't have any objection to it; it's just a bit disconcerting at first.

I'll finish simply by saying this: I now have another of your stories on my Read Later list. :twilightsmile:

4734680 You downloaded the file! That explains it! I went through chapter 2 twice since your comment, and was near to insanity trying to find it. The other one is acceptable, however. It can't be a Pinkie sense if it comes from Dash, so it would have to be a Dashie sense. As bizarre as their day had been up to that point, I could totally imagine A.J. saying it this one time.

I know that all the descriptions made it hard to get through the story, and honestly, that's why I sat on the story for almost a full year before finally deciding to put it on here. I wasn't sure if fans of the show would put up with all the detail. But I love the story way to much to change it. Also, just last night, I finished going through the whole thing and polishing it up. I'm sure the punctuation still isn't perfect, but it is much improved, as well as the grammar, but thank you for pointing out the admirably part, I didn't catch that.

I'm really happy to know that you enjoyed this story so much, and I'm super excited to hear what you think of the next one. My Apples story only has the too much detail problem in the first two chapters, and then I really let up on it. And the other two stories are nowhere near as hard to get through. Thanks for the comment, and happy writing/reading! :pinkiehappy:

4734797 Fair point about the ch. 5 line; it was really the ch. 2 ones I'd noticed. As for downloading: I usually read on an e-reader, since I find it less straining than using a PC screen and less bothersome than printing out. So I can be a little behind sometimes!

I can't promise when I'll read your next story, since my Read Later list has more than 70 fics in it right now -- but I will get to it sooner or later, and when I do, I'll certainly leave a comment about it. :twilightsmile:

Okay, I finally got around to reading this one! :yay:

I've noticed there are a few chapters that don't have any comments, so I've decided to leave a comment on every chapter myself, even if my comments aren't all that constructive... I apologize in advance for the small flood of notifications I'm about to send your way. :derpytongue2:

So, a few protagonists enter a magical forest and then suddenly become unconscious?
That either reminds me of an early part of the GameBoy Advance game "Golden Sun," or it just sounds like the setup for a bad joke...

Also, it looks like the formatting for this chapter's title got a little bit messed up. Based on later chapters, I'm assuming you meant to center it...

Nope, I definitely don't see any Fantasia reference here. None whatsoever. :trollestia:

Pinkie Pie forgot a birthday!?!? :pinkiegasp:
What sort of evil fiend are you to even conceive the idea of such a heinous crime!?

Recognizing the symptoms of a Twilight Sparkle mental breakdown,

How can so much truth be held in so few words? :rainbowlaugh:

With a mischievous smile, Applejack asked, "Would you rather her ask Dash what she remembers about Tom?"

:raritydespair: "I thought we agreed to never speak of that again!"
:ajsmug: "Ah never did say that Ah agreed, sugarcube."

"Oh, why must everything that comes by here wake me up?" the Sleeping Weeping Willow asked in a surprisingly high pitched voice.

A talking tree? Seen it plenty of times before...
A talking tree with a surprisingly high pitched voice? :twilightoops: That's actually a first for me!

You're good at getting Zecora to rhyme pretty well.
I don't suppose that's a secret you would like to sell?

Seriously what's your secret? Even that previous line of mine took me a while to think of, let alone getting it to rhyme decently...

Smiling broadly, Twilight marveled that she was lucky enough to have such great friends.  

It struck her then that it had been a very long time since a thought like that had last occurred to her, and realized that she had become so used to having these wonderful friends that she had begun to take them for granted.  If there was one thing that this situation had taught her, it was how important these five ponies were to her, and Twilight silently vowed to never take their friendships for granted again.

That is a wonderful scene. Worthy of the show's subtitle. Friendship IS Magic.

Always nice to see a Luna appearance, if you ask me.

Hooray! Pinkie's back to normal!
This crowd pretty much sums up my reaction:

I'm starting to think that Applejack should just keep a rope handy at ALL times. Especially when they know they're going into the Everfree. It's a good thing Rarity found that vine...

"Yeah, and remember all the things we've done together," Rainbow Dash smiled.  "Like the butterfly migration and our walks around the lake?"

I know it wasn't intentional, but I'm going to choose to view that as a bit of a call-forward to another one of your stories. (Just because I read that one before I read this one... :twilightsheepish: )

The entire part between where Rarity tells Fluttershy she underestimates herself too often, and where Rainbow Dash says that 'Shy is the most awesome pegasus she's ever met, is a truly beautiful scene. I have no shame in admitting that my eyes started to get slightly blurry as I read that...

Well, I figure this is a good spot to let you know what I thought of this story overall:

It was thoroughly enjoyable, I had a fun time reading! I'd even go so far as to say that this story actually felt like it could be an episode for the show.

Although I can see what you meant when you told me that you got some complaints about describing the characters and past events too much, I believe that sometimes it is quite enjoyable for some of us to be reminded of such things once in a while.

Well, I know this is rather belated, but thanks for writing! :twilightsmile:

(p.s. I'll try to get around to reading Apples Don't Fall Far From The Tree sometime soon... Which reminds me: Since they are part of the same series, you might want to consider adding a link to that one in this story's description.)

4825534 So, when I logged on, I was surprised to see all of these notifications, and when I saw they were all from you, I cracked up. You know I love your comments, they never fail to amuse me. Also, thanks for pointing out that little mistake with chapter 1, I didn't realize it was off.

Seriously what's your secret? Even that previous line of mine took me a while to think of, let alone getting it to rhyme decently...

Sorry, I really can't say, they just come to me when I need them. The back and forth between Twi and Zecora in the hut was the first scene that I wrote. I intended to only use Zecora for that one scene, but then found that I enjoyed her so much that I changed the story a bit so that she could come along as a guide.

I know it wasn't intentional, but I'm going to choose to view that as a bit of a call-forward to another one of your stories. (Just because I read that one before I read this one... :twilightsheepish: )

Pretty much all of my stories are going to be connected like this, but I'm mainly going to be focusing it on my series.

I have no shame in admitting that my eyes started to get slightly blurry as I read that...

I'm glad you felt the emotions that I was trying so hard to portray. It's always a good feeling when someone confirms that I did my job well.:twilightsmile:

I'm glad that you enjoyed it and look forward to your comments on my Apples story. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts on this, I truly appreciate it.

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