Loving husband and proud daddy of two girls
Rainbow Dash has never really given much thought to the other creatures that share her sky, but all of that changes when she finds a bird caught out in her storm. As Fluttershy tends to its injury, Rainbow befriends the bird and soon learns a lesson that will likely change her life.
This story was featured on EQD on 11/21/14!
Page generated in 0.205 seconds
Total duration
981 users online
433,030 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This was a beautiful story to read.
Thanks for writing!
This is a peaceful story. I enjoy that.
My condolences if it was brought on or inspired by recent, actual events.
5050072
That is very kind of you.
But not really. I found a bird with a broken leg after a storm about two weeks ago and after calling around for a while found someone who could rehabilitate it, but it died overnight. I can't really say that it was upsetting or anything, but it was a bit sad to check on it in the morning and find it dead. It was then that this story idea popped into my head, and wouldn't quick nagging me until I wrote it. Hopefully, this story will touch people, and that poor little life will have meant something.
5048785
Thanks! And your welcome!
That was a simply beautiful little read. You can have a like, fave and a subscribe for that. Thank you!
This is such a beautiful story! I read it twice
You earned a favorite!
MY FEELS
My feels
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
5055929 doesn't it have to be 8,000 words to be submited to EQD?
Edit: oh, 2,500... Yeah, I will consider that.
Damn that was simply one heck of a beautiful story. You as an author definitely know how to tug at my heart-strings, damn... I couldn't help but cry. I am a huge bird watching fanatic and love all manner of animals, and it is indeed sad when you see something like that, just die. Anyway you did a great job on the characterisation of all ponies especially in your interpretation of RD and in Fshy and your plot was just simply sublime.
Well done and thank you very much for writing.
-Frost
5082037 Thank you very much. I'm glad that I was able to invoke those feelings. They are indeed beautiful creatures, and it's a pity that so many think so little of them.
First, congratulations on getting featured on Equestria Daily, I mean that in all sincerity.
However, I have to play devil's advocate. The story is fine in execution, by no means is it bad. My problem is you really spoil things from the main page, and it's not any real fault of your own. This is a story about Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy caring for an injured animal and promises Rainbow will learn a lesson about life. The second you tell us that, my thought is "that bird is a goner." It's a story that is very worn out, it's obvious the bird will not survive, all that remains to be seen is which aesop you choose to convey from the circumstance. You do the plot well for what it is, it's just, I've seen it, and it really sucks a lot of the drama out when I know this story going in. I skimmed parts of the story because what interested me was which moral you were going to deliver at the end more than the story that the moral was carried on.
That said, I really enjoyed your use of Fluttershy in this story, particularly when she takes Rainbow to the graveyard, because when someone takes care of as many animals as she does she's going to have some of them not make it, and it plays well to her character showing how strong she really is under her meek and shy exterior that she can cope with those losses and be well-adjusted and happy. I've often wondered how animal care workers and hospital staff can cope with such careers for this reason, and you handle that matter well with the moral given.
Rainbow, though, while she is by no means out of place in this story, I'm not really sure the story benefited much from using her as the protagonist. I understood she felt responsible for the bird because of her role in the storm that injured it, but simply finding it would have allowed for the same without needing to tie her into the injury itself. Again, Rainbow is not a bad choice for the story, but maybe she wasn't the best, either. I think maybe this story could have worked stronger if Spike was the protagonist. Spike is a dragon and is going to outlive a lot of ponies he's friends with, so for him to learn this lesson from Fluttershy, come to this realization, and resolve to be happy in his life and not let inevitability taint that, would have had a stronger impact than Rainbow learning it, because mortality is a much heavier issue to Spike than the Mane Six, if he realizes it or not.
My overall thoughts on this story, to paraphrase an internet reviewer, "this is a basic story you didn't screw up". It's kinda predictable, but you executed it well, and if this is someone's first time experiencing a story like this, this is a good story for them to experience it through. My sincerest apologies if this seems a negative review, it really isn't meant to be. I liked this story for what it was, it's just that what it was is something I've already seen before, so it didn't have as much punch as it wanted to have with its emotions.
What a beautiful piece of work. This, and pretty much all your stories are criminally underrated.
*sniffles* I've always had little animals, and cats, and dogs. I never regret the relatively short time I get with them, even if the pain of losing them never dulls. Life really is precious.
The feels are real.
5297116
A negative comment is worth more to me than 10 positive comments. You don't learn anything when you succeed, you only learn when you fail.
That being said, I really didn't feel that this review was that negative.
I understand that you found it predictable. Honestly, I wasn't going for any kind of plot twist here, I just had a message I wanted to deliver, and I feel the story conveyed it well. I knew that the sad tag would give it all away, so I didn't beat around the bush or try to trick the reader into thinking the bird would get better.
I like your idea of Spike, I have to admit that I've never really looked at him in that light before. However, I personally feel that he is still too young to face a revelation like that. I chose Rainbow because 1. I love writing her softer side, and 2. she sort of just glides through life without too many worries (pun intended). I refuse to call her selfish, but she is a bit ignorant, and I wanted to explore how she would react to a situation like this.
I'm really glad that you enjoyed my depiction of Fluttershy. I wanted to show how strong she really is, and that she is so much more than the weak little pushover that so many portray her as. I swear if I stumble across one more fic that has her crying uncontrollably over a dead bird, I'm going to scream.
Anyway, thank you very much for the review. I greatly appreciate that you took the time to do it, and that it was so well thought out. Happy writing/reading, and God bless.
5297330
Thanks! Yeah, it's really hard to get noticed on here, but I keep trying. I believe that this is the second story of mine that you have favorited, so thank you for your continued support.
5297368
My wife and I had a rat named Splinter, and he was the coolest pet we've ever owned. We were so attached to him, and I still remember the night he died very vividly. That simple creature that so many people despise brought me so much joy, and still to this day he makes me smile.
5298764 My condolences for Splinter...I know well the love of a great rat! If my name weren't a dead give away, I adore the little guys. My first rat, Yuki, was one of the kindest and gentlest, most caring and wonderful souls I've ever met. I have no doubt in my mind that Yuki truly cared about me, and helped me through many times of suffering with his company, cuddles, and comforting body language. It's undeniable how much depth there is in even the smallest and most misunderstood creatures. I've never really understood the stigma against rats. I've shared my home with many rat friends, and I find them to be very engaging, smart, and adorable as all get out.
5298848
Aww...what a cute story. Thanks for sharing. Maybe Yuki and Splinter are playing together in little rat heaven right now!
5298866 I'm sure they are!! Rat heaven is probably a really rad place to be. Keep up the good work. :)
Insta-watch
This was beautiful. I'd been thinking about what Fluttershy does when her animals die, and this my favorite idea so far.
Thanks for writing.
Hey good news is unless Tank is already really old Rainbow wont have to go through that with him.
Tortoises generaly live 150 years.
Okay, as promised, some actual thoughts on the fic! It was a very easy like, and in terms of how much I enjoyed it, it probably slots in just behind You Really Bug Me. (I know many people don't like that one quite as much as I do, but never mind!)
I will be quite honest and say that for about the first two-thirds of the story, I was a little surprised that it made EqD. Not because it was bad -- far from it -- but because it seemed rather straightforward; good, competent writing but without that extra spark that brings the best fics to life. It's also quite tell-y, which used (though apparently less so now) to be a big no-no on EqD, while there's the odd iffy word choice ("greeted" being used as a straight synonym for "said", for example). I didn't find anything that really took me out of the story, though.
And then I hit the last third, after Champ dies and we see how Fluttershy reacts. And then I understood why this story had been so well received; why it was special. I absolutely adored this portrayal of 'Shy; it may not quite match my own headcanon in one or two respects, but that's irrelevant; it absolutely makes her shine. Those scenes are special and memorable, and very satisfying to read. It felt a bit as though the fic was a flower growing, with not much to see for a while but a slowly rising stem... but then the flower in its full beauty bursting forth to reward those readers who kept faith.
A story that manages to be both sad and inspiring, which is a hard trick to pull off. I'm glad to have read it.
I can imagine Fluttershy's reaction to a dying bird
Nice story
Now I have a sad.
Beautiful! Just beautiful! I usually don't cry when reading something sad, especially with death, but you managed to bring them out.
Probably because I have birds of my own, and I don't want to lose them.
Thank you for submitting this to my group.
I have to admit, that when I noticed the line, "Featured on EQD" in the description, I had to give myself a moment to indulge in a bit of an eyeroll. It also gives me a bit of a doubletake, because it really has been years now, to allow me to say that over the years I've seen plenty of examples of great stories rejected by EQD for the most headscratchinest of reasons. Basic, "objective" stuff like grammar I can get behind, sure. But all too often these rejections make no little sense. Things like "x" element wasn't developed well enough to be convincing (typically a criticism of a relationship in a romance story). Thus the eyeroll. So what got this story through? What obvious things could I pick out while reading that, were I some EQD prereader, would cause me to reject this story?
I'm not going to say it's a bad thing to have a tag like that in your description. I am saying that it influences how I come in to the story though. I'm already rather critical of what I read, hence why I do these reviews. But that sort of begs me to be especially nitpicky and such, so take that as a bias of mine.
If you want a much more eloquent description on the whole description-box thing, have yourself a read.
On to the review proper. As usual, review means spoilers. That said, this story doesn't rely much on surprise, and you probably have a good idea of what happens already going in.
The characterization for Fluttershy felt pretty spot-on. little quirks like how she handles answering the door, to her tunnel vision when presented with an injured animal all fit well to expectation, and were "brief" enough to not feel like I was being forced to rewatch the show in text form. Other parts, like the cave show something "new" about Fluttershy that feels like it fits, but likely won't ever appear on screen. All in all, it felt true to character, explored new area, and didn't try to twist her or turn her into a gross caricature. This feels far more like Fluttershy as she should be than even some episodes (like Power Ponies). As someone who isn't very fond of Fluttershy, that this is a pretty acceptable and meaningful accomplishment I think.
A nitpick I have that is positive is the injury the bird suffered. I've read through several stories that depict injuries and usually try to go hard on the trauma, only to have it all heal up and work out in the end. Here we have a simple wound, things seem fine, then infection overwhelms a tiny little being and proves lethal. It is very believable and fits the theme of the story well.
On to the technical stuff. Normally, when I read one of these stories, I don't really focus too hard on the grammar and such. If you misuse a comma, fail to maintain your style, or slip out of tense here or there I am generally not going to notice. Typos or improper word usage (likely due to lazy spellchecker use) sometimes catch my eye, sometimes I notice, then forget as I keep reading. While I have done editing, my goal is not to be an unsolicited editor, but to give a rough opinion on the competency demonstrated in a work. This is just fanfiction and not professional writing, and as long as most readers would understand what is being told to them and have a decent amount of immersion, this section usually is pretty short. If it stands out that things were especially noteworthy due to an unusual style or poor grammar, then I'll hammer on it a bit. However, since EqD is pretty notorious for some really obscure grammar issues at times with their rejections, it felt like I should probably include this in my nitpick.
This is the first sentence of the story. While the 'comma+conjunction' does technically imply the subject of both clauses is Rainbow Dash, the structure of the sentence is at least a little ambiguous. It could be interpretted still that the wind is circling beneath the clouds to ensure everything was in order. Little things like this chip away at the suspension of disbelief readers build to get into a story, as you spend brain processing cycles reading that, realizing it is silly, rejecting it, and establishing in your mind that it is indeed Rainbow Dash performing the actions. Moving the "wind steadily grew stronger" part to the front or back of the sentence, so that everything Rainbow Dash does is in a nice steady sequence would be less ambiguous.
The problem is that however you configure it, it is only a step above "It was a dark and stormy night." It is essentially a weather report, with a bit of action to it. Within the first seven paragraphs, The real "action" that happens is that the bird is seen hurtling by and about to splat. Even though you have some bits of description here and there describing a building storm, none of it feels very... tense. I get that Rainbow Dash is doing a rather routine duty of her job, but it would be much more exciting for the readers if this were built up to be more intense. More lightning and thunder and howling wind. Draw out the effort to save the bird so that it isn't over so fast. Make it uncertain for the readers that Dash will even succeed. Since the point of the story is that life is fragile, this would be an incredibly powerful opening to the story, and serve as a solid hook.
Instead, it is weak. It is not very engaging at all.
Stuff like this, while fitting for Rainbow Dash's personality, don't contribute to the scene. Overall you've crafted it too much on the "boring routine day" feel instead of the possibly exciting beginning of a storm.
Preceding the quoted sentences above is this one. This is incredibly "telly" and more or less trips all the "this is bad writing" flags that "It was a dark and stormy night." trips. Have the wind buffet Rainbow Dash and threaten her. We know she is a great flier, so if she is fighting strong winds, that would easily let us know that this is serious business.
Those first seven paragraphs are all rather short. Most of them are only 2 sentences long, with one at 3 and another at 5 sentences long. The "largest" one, 5 sentences long, contains several very simply sentences, and ends up the same overall length as the 3. This would be a fairly "quick" pace, except that most of the sentences are complex, compound, or both. Most of the paragraphs feel like they should be combined due to being so close in topic, so the overall result is more choppy than quick. Since most of the topic is "slow/routine" stuff, it comes across as scattered.
A short, catchy sentence about the heart of the action, the bird hurtling by out of control, would be a better opener. Then maybe build up in paragraph density to bring out all the details of how dangerous it is, but contrast with Rainbow sticking it out to rescue this critter. then speed up as the ground/tree gets close, and finish off with how she succeeds.
Moving on from the opening scene.
There are no scene breaks.
Depending on how you wanted to structure things, there should be one naturally when Dash falls asleep. This means the first scene (I'm trying to get past it, honest) covers the rescue, getting home, setting the bird up for the night, and her own falling asleep from exhaustion. The morning, trip to Fluttershy's, and dropping him off under her care would be a sort of short scene, but it feels like it would be natural to break scene when Rainbow Dash meets up with Twilight and Pinkie. Alternatively, you could put the rescue as it's own short "introductory" scene, have the bits before and after sleep act as a scene that focuses around her initial interaction with the bird. Then decide from there.
By deciding how to separate your scenes, you can make each one focus on specific goals better. As it is, the story sort of feels like it drifts from topic to topic like one of those especially boring professors or public speakers who drones on and never really takes a break because they just shuffle their papers around, never take any breathers or drinks of water, and just keep going and going.
Here is an incredibly simple and effective way to indicate a scene break: [ hr ] (remove the spaces).
The overall "choppiness" of the story continues on throughout. Occasionally we get paragraphs that manage to break three lines on my screen, but each of those is alone in a sea of one-liners. At no point are we ever "invited" to slow down and take in the scenery or focus on the more emotional parts.
This could be a really powerful line. It should be all by itself, and it is. But the surrounding paragraphs are all short also. For this scene, I think opening with a fairly slow-pacing, and maybe speed things up with shorter and shorter paragraphs, but at least three lines long, then drop down to that short single line, would really add to the impact a lot. Follow it up with a mix of 2-3 line and 4-5 line paragraphs, and you could really sell the kind of turmoil that Rainbow experiences after.
As it stands, it sort of gets lost in a whole story of short choppy bits.
Nearly all of the dialogue in the story is, as is probably no surprise at this point, short and choppy. Nopony really ever speaks more than one or two sentences at any given time without meaningful pause or somepony else speaking in turn. There are points, such as when Rainbow, Pinkie, and Twilight are having lunch, where "talking heads" feel starts to creep in. Even when Rainbow Dash is supposedly lost in internal argument, it is just four lines of "inside voice."
Between the pacing and the scene structure, a lot could be improved to really convey the story. The lack of scene breaks especially is startling to see in something that passed EqD standards.
On to the non-technical negatives.
While Fluttershy's character was handled pretty well, Rainbow Dash is the main character here, one of my favorite ponies, and was overall done on the poor side I felt.
This is what we call brain worms. There is an epidemic that crosses authors, stories, and styles. This is a fairly light case, probably because this isn't a romance story, but it's still there.
Rainbow Dash rescuing a bird during a storm doesn't feel out of character. Hell, we had an entire episode where saving ponies was a thing she did (Mysterious Mare Do Well), as well as other random acts of heroism (Sonic Rainboom, Sleepless in Ponyville). Worrying about the welfare of animals while doing her job is weird. Leaving it to "why am I thinking this?" is brain worms. No, really, author, why is she thinking this way?
It seems like it is used to form a foundation for her guilt. Her regular job, which has plenty of necessary consequences like irrigating farms and so on, might sometimes injure critters. It also comes with some undesired consequences, like ruining picnics or otherwise sunny/beautiful days. Dash is no stranger to dealing with these consequences. The safety of critters is Fluttershy's job though. It seems to me that if you explored a bit of worldbuilding, Fluttershy would probably work with the weather team at least well enough to keep informed of their schedule so she could prepare for the storms.
Now, it isn't really all that wrong of Rainbow Dash to feel some guilt, when presented with such an injury right in front of her face. It gets weird when the issue is pushed further, and Dash tries to take on more blame than is reasonable. Instead, I think it would have been much more natural that she would feel bad for taking something out of the sky, an aspect of the situation that was not touched on at all.
I get that you don't want to come up with an hour's worth of dialogue. But the dialog leading up to it wasn't all that satisfying, and this really is supposed to be an important point of the plot. This is the point you're supposed to be really selling the fact that Rainbow Dash cares for this bird. Take "May the Best Pet Win" and see the kind of bonding she had with Tank. Opening up with his admiration of her saving him and being cool is a great bonding point, but this could be sold so much better.
So, lets wrap this up.
Death is sad, but it isn't the end of the world. Moving the tragedy from a close friend (as is all too often done in fanfics) to a new friend was a good choice for this story, I feel, and treating the event with dignity and showing the closure made for an overall good story. Unlike a lot of what passes by my queue, this did feel like a story that was worth telling, and thus worth reading. It had a lot of technical problems, and there was a lot of trouble for me to believe this was Rainbow Dash. This really felt like a Fluttershy story, despite being told from Dash's perspective. I guess you could say it is a good story, just wasn't told as well as it could have been told.
5774950
Well, hello there! I wasn't expecting a full on review, but thanks for taking the time to do this. I initially had no plans to submit this to EQD, but after several suggestions that I should, I went ahead just to see what they would say. I was very surprised when it got through. The EQD prereader was very moved by my portrayal of Fluttershy, which probably played a huge role in it getting through.
Anyway, I wanted to say something about the weather report opening. I know that it is considered "bad," but the fact that it was "a dark and stormy night" is the reason why the story happens. How many stories with the weather report opening actually use the weather as the inciting event? But I see what you mean.
As for the rest, I completely agree. I have to admit, I really dislike oneshots. After writing three of them, I've decided that I will never write another again. I mean, if you can write a oneshot, then you can beef it up and make it into a mutli-chapter story. I have a lot of problems with pacing on stories this short, but I find that if I make them a bit longer, I'm able to better manage it. Like this one; I could have beefed it up and added all of those little details that you were apparently starving for, and I could have easily brought Scoots into it earlier and created a subplot with her that would have tied into the story nicely, and then have chapter breaks at each of the scenes that you mentioned. And you know what? I think that I will eventually do so.
Thanks again for taking the time to read this! And until next time, happy reading/writing/reviewing!
Despite me having certain misgivings about this story, I felt the characters pulled it through enough for me to accept it into the goodfic bin.
Details are here.
I loved the story, for me, it was very engaging, though I am a poet, not a writer, but I can say this: it that was a poem, it would be a beautiful poem indeed, the intent in a poem is to paint a picture in words, and this is what your story did for me, painted a picture that came to life before my eyes.
This was such a great story! I love how all of the characters are portrayed.
Dash is a walking, open book.
Edit: Wow. I’m crying. Wait, I’m crying? How the- what? It’s a fictional blue bird I’ve known for just a few minutes and I’m feathering crying?! What?!
I really like the ending even though it’s a bit of a sad one