Vinyl was born blind, but that hasn't stopped her from chasing her dreams of stardom. when she moves into her first condo she finds a bundle of energy called Octavia. If she can survive this young earth pony's "help" then finding a gig should be a peace of cake.
A short story that came to me after almost getting hit by a bus.
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Hm. Sounds interesting.
I'll give it a read
Be back in a few minutes
Not sure about this line.
Seems imply that this guy once walked Equestria.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/4/6/289767/full.png
“Anything else mein feuer?” She asked.
Is that suppossed to say "mein führer"? Just asking.^^°
That aside, I´m intrigued.
Alright I just finished reading
And I gotta say, it's looking really great so far. I really like the whole blind Vinyl part, it makes the Best Pony even Besterer. And the way you write her is really good, spot on im my opinion. And Octavia is really nice and cheerful, and it's awesome that she's helping Vinyl
And the "Anything else mein Führer?" part was awesome
I'm probably gonna start saying that to my parents now
This is realy great so far and I can't wait to see wat else you have in store for me
4096366
Wow. There's actually a Ponifed Adolf Hitler. Just when I thought I'd seen it all. I wonder what his pony name would be.
4096394
Neighdolf Bitler?
Potentially crazy octy? O.o
Ja, i believe is the spelling. Which, instead of witch. Etc.
Seems interesting. Hope it turns out good.
4096469
Hahaha
That's actually pretty awesome.
I feel like I could use that in some sort of WW II Equestria story. I wonder if the term "Nazi" would be turned into a ponified word
4096394
Upon reading the line, I literally went "I wonder if that's a thing." *google: Pony hitler*
And there it was. Oh the wonders of the internet.
That is a great question.
Acolt Neightler ?
4096545
Yep. Oh the wonderful things of the interwebz. Acolt Neightler is pretty awesome
And Knight Glider came up with Neighdolf Bitler.
4096560
Ohhh Neighdolf Bitler is even better.
Props to Knight Glider.
Not sure about the whole "blind Vinyl" thing. Her (fanon) career is all about loud, pulsing music (and by loud, I mean LOUD), so would the sensitive ears of a pony blind from birth really make that career choice?
4096376
Thanks I'll fix it.
OH BUCK ME!
4097341
The idea came to me because Vinyl is ALWAYS (in the show at least) pictured with her trademark glasses. So The idea came to me: "what if she's blind?" With the whole music thing i think having improved hearing wound do wonders for a musician (though she might have to where earplugs at da club)
4096385
WONDERFUL! I hope I don't disappoint!
4096538
It would probaply be "Neighzi" or something like this. Dunno.^^
4097594
Kein Problem. Allways happy to lend somepony a paw... ergh, hoof. Ja, hoof, I meant hoof.
4099828
Haha that's actually exactly what I was thinking
I wish you explained on how Vinyl was able to fill up the beverages when she was serving drinks. I think it would be interesting for her to explain her unique methods, whether she relied on magic or not. Plus, it will allow Octavia to show further interest as she grasps a new perspective on these things.
All in all, I'm starting to become intrigued with this story.
Oh Vinyl, you delightfull troll, you.
Good Job
I love it
4104405
I guess i just assumed she used her magic...
Sorry about that.
4108668
Thanks okay. You'll have more opportunities to explore that in future chapters.
Good Job can't wait for the next chapter
Neighdolf? that names founds familier......
4114862
I think this story had a good premise, but this last chapter happened too fast and ended too soon. First of all, it didn't sound like they resolve or talk about the conflict that started it all from the previous chapter. They just skipped that and moved on to a new conflict. Second, the part where Octavia talked about being introduced by another colt by her father should have been more developed and seperated in another chapter/story. Third, the character development betweent the two love interests is too short, especially if they just admitted their feelings for each other. Lastly, they don't talk much about Vinyl's blindness in the chapter. Sure, there was a minor part where Octavia leads Vinyl to a waterfall location, but that's all I can recall. Her ability to adapt to her surroundings should be one of the strong points of this story. Plus, there wasn't any physical interaction between Vinyl and Octavia by the time they got together. Now this story doesn't have to resolve around sex, but it could have explored more on Vinyl's sensitive touch to feel some physical closure from Octavia, whether through a deep kiss, the touch of the Earth Pony's fur or cheek, or stroking her black, silky mane.
I'm sorry that I'm nitpicking a lot in this story, but honestly, I had high expectations regarding with the progress and eventually its conclusion. Either way, I still give it a "Like" for its potential on a new spin for an OctaScratch romantic fanfic and a great start which I "Faved" and "Liked" this to begin with.
Hope my opinion helps in anyway possible, and again, I'm sorry if I sound over-critical.
"Amor Caecus Est"
Here's a link to a favorite story of mine featuring the romance of a blind Fleetfoot and newcomer Wonderbolt, Rainbow Dash. It's long and it features mature-rated sexual interaction, but if you can look pass that, give it a look and maybe you'll find some inspiration from there in case you want to continue this through another story or so.
so many spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes.
some of the mistakes that i spotted tough there are a few that I've missed. I bolded the mistakes that I've corrected
...............
.........
.........why? Why is there a human word?
4230348
Nine hells...
I'll go fix it.
4229628
.
)
As a writer I appreciate any constructive criticism
I agree with you, I think my biggest challenge is not making problems happen and resolve to quickly ( If i was any worse i could wright the next EQG movie *ba da ding*
4229666
*shudders* I'll try to read it....
4229953
OK, it might just be my twelve inch thick skull, but i don't see mistakes in most of these.
Could you help me out a bit?
I agree with 4229628 on quite a few points. its very rushed and just jumps from event to event with very little establishing scenes to show us their relationship. honestly much more of the father daughter relationship between Vinyl and her father was established than the one between Vinyl and Octavia. Vinyl being blind seams forgotten at times and sometimes it implies that its used as an excuse to not describe the surroundings.
a good example of blind vinyl is Sounds of a sister, particularly the way she perceives the world.
A lot of 'tell' instead of 'show'. we are sorta told "btw vinyl and octavia are in a relationship now" without being shown this.
as RoyalRainbow said; much of the conflict is never resolved. it's almost as if you had trouble with writing many of the character development scenes in-between the plot events and then gave up and skipped them.
Sorry if im sounding harsh, I know how bad it feels when ones work is criticised, but I feel as if it needs to be said. don't stop writing because of criticism however, just take some of it on board and see what you can do to improve the story. I suggest looking at the writing guides that are on the site somewhere, (I cant be bothered to find them to be honest) they help lots I find.
2.bp.blogspot.com/-LlTDs0iJIdA/UtEfxaBRhoI/AAAAAAAABaQ/Bx8v2rcEUNo/s1600/He-Man1.png
he glue
I'm sure this is already plastered throughout the comments. Just wanted to say what i'm thinking. First, the chapter was rushed. Both between octy getting upset, and the period between the issue of her father and them having a business.
Also, not knowing this was supposed to be the last chapter, i was kind of disappointed. Seems rather premature to me, especially with no point of climax in the story. (No obvious one anyways).
I really hope you add more to it in order to justify the story some.
4230696
Thank you I appreciate your advice.
4232066
Honestly I doubt I'll add any more, It's an old rule of artist that if you keep going back to something trying to improve it it'll never be perfect, just if it's done it's done let it go.
I'm sorry if this story disappointed you, and i hope that I'll be able to impress you in the future.
Thank you for your input though.
but what did she see?
4230744 glue can be made artificially, in fact atrificial glue is generally more efficient than traditional hourse glue.
4239345
OH LAWDY! I completely forgot that glue is made from horses!
Katana!? Was vinyl planning on killing somepony!
4239345 and thats where all the humans went. slaughtered for glue.
4241456 but that is my point, as glue can be made artificially without haveing to slaughter anything(simply mixing chemicals), they do not need to kill humans for it.
4244672
You do if you want to make wonderglue.
4795931 it is probably not as powerful as the better synthetic glues though.
4798830
Never mind, I was wrong in the first place!
Ah, wait, looks like wonderglue is only made out of ponies in Fallout: Equestria, the Fallout Wiki doesn't seem to think it's made out of people.
Has someone being playing Mass Effect?