Chosen by Pandora’s box Octavia gradually becomes aware that there is more to Equestria than catches the eye. Living in the shadows of society, vampires turn out to be more than just an old mare's tale. However, once aware of the truth there is no way of going back to a regular life. Now it is up to Octavia and her crazy new flatmate to cope with a world that becomes more and more difficult to handle...
ATTENTION:
I am well aware that the first few chapters of my story aren't really appealing to the readers. Therefore I decided to publish only 1 more chapter until I'd have to sit down and revise the old content ^^
Chapters (28)
octavia talking to herself... wow... she is so lonely.
About a faceless pony named slendermane that strolled through the woods looking for fillies
HA!
but he realy is just looking for a friend
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I originally wrote that chapter a few days before halloween .
A friend of mine told me he'd dress up as good old slendy so I was somehow inspired
On a side node...maybe he is not looking for friends but for a new face...and maybe he
will encounter 3 little fillies in the woods who try to get their cutiemarks by being brave...
yeah I am talking about..."the brohoofboys" of course
Nope...just kidding...won't happen...I promise
love it!!!
It was awesome
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Glad you like it
At first I was a little worried that I focused to much on the plot lately but
it seems like I found a good balance between fun, plot- and character development.
This is so awesome~!
Sugar, spice and everything nice doesn't make a good recipe for the past of the one and only Vinyl Scratch
This is exciting~ Can't wait to see more!
I hope the whole thing with Victor leads to something important.
Otherwise... it'd be a waste. Onwards to next chapter.
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Oh it will...but the story just started...everything up to now is just the prelude.
Character-, plot development and funny moments have to be kept in balance.
Rest assured I implemented Victor for a reason. He is in fact a major plot device.
On a side note:
I'm a big fan of hellsing so Victor has to wear Alucards clothes.
Rarity also thinks they look fabulous on him ...
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I will be completely honest with you.
I have nothing against references, and I actually like to find them, but when they are as blatant and obvious as yours they lose their appeal. It, quite honestly, made me consider quitting this story and finding something else.
If you wanted to reference Slenderman without making it as obvious as a dancing pineapple you could have written.
It's still easy to see that it's Slenderman, but you don't shove it in our faces.
My point? Be careful with your blunt references. They can turn off readers easily.
new story to reed!
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I do not inted to make this story a "pun festival" without reason so I really appreciate any form of constructive criticism.
So thanks for the input and thanks for your time.
In response to your input:
It may be because this is my first fanfic that I still lack a little in how direct I should bring
those references across but I try to do better in the future.
The slenderman allusion was a pretty bad idea indeed and a regretful choice on my part.
It probably is for the best if I don't write/publish soon after I got hyped up by something,
Even I don't think that it was funny now that I have some distance to it.
(I'll probably rewrite the part about him.)
Victors' description on the other hand didn't seem that obvious to me.
I may have used Alucard as a mental image but the description:
red hat + evening attire is still very vague.
Now that thought will torment me for a while. Maybe we had the same mental image?
Or is a red hat in the vampire genre really that characteristic for Alucard...
I firmly believe that one can only improve if one knows were his weaknesses lie.
So I just wanted to thank you for pointing them out once again.
I hope it helps me become a better writer.
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I didn't make a connection between Alucard and Viktor at first, but when you pointed it out... Yeah, the applejack emoticon I put in describes my reaction pretty well. That was a reference done well, I think. You took his attire and put it on Viktor, but you didn't say who it was from. I was good until you pointed it out.
As for your first part: I'm glad that you're not gonna make it a pun festival. I've read stories that are like those and it's almost painful to read. I'm also glad that you realise the... "mistake" of making the Slenderman reference so obvious. It's a clear sign of you having become better.
And your final statement... As true as they come. If you don't know where your weaknesses lie, you can't find them and get better.
Just wait until you find out that Vinyl's a vampire
Sorry... but you made it quite obvious with the red-eye thing :p
Earlier in this chapter you wrote that it would take some time for Octavia's parents to leave their mansion, and in the end you write that Tavi and Vinyl are going to the mansion. Which is it? Is Tavi's sister getting dropped off at them, or are they babysitting at her parents' house?
Furthermore, this chapter felt a bit weak. You have the potential for quite a well-done conflict, but it lacks impact. You write a lot of dialogue but very little description. What kind of tone does Vinyl use? What kind of tone does Octaiva use? How do they react to what the other say, what do they do? etc.
That aside, being mistrusted doesn't feel like enough reason for Vinyl to blow up like she does. You wrote her as being severely pissed, and all because Octavia thought she wasn't just a normal pony. The thing you need the most, I think, is to set the mood, explain what happens and how they react to the situations. A lot can be conveyed though dialogue, but you still need to show us what happens through the descriptive parts.
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Well maybe it got lost a little because the events in the morning and the babysit chapter used to be one chapter to begin with. The idea was to let O&V depart from their home and let them meet at the parent's mansion afterwards.
The place where the babysitting occurs should be the mansion of her parents. I thought it was a good way to make Tavi pressure her sister.
If the coherency of time and place was really lost through the chapter split...I guess I have to find it and put it back where it belongs...
In response to the mood thing:
Well I could certainly try to improve that scene...puttng a little bit more depth or emotion into it.
Lets see how it turns out afterwards...
Aaaand, *poof* Vinyl is now in love with Octavia... Where did that come from?
There's no build-up, no rhyme or reasons as to why she's now so hopelessly jealous of that colt, and in love with Octavia.
That... really could have been done better. As far as we've seen, Vinyl tends to just get needlessly angry or annoyed at Octavia, and now she suddenly loves her.
Oh my god!!!! Please~! Make the 14th chapter! :D
Again, your characters seem to just change attitude in a second.
One moment they're happy and chatting, the next they're angry and stomping their hooves.
A lot of the times where you write that Vinyl or Octavia are angry there is no cause for anger, annoyance perhaps but not anger.
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Yeah their attitudes changed like the wind, however for ch13 and 14 that went according to what I wanted.
The chapters before were a little different…looking at it in retro perspective I probably really messed up conveying the emotions back then.
Well…I guess the big thing lies in perception. I probably perceive the word “anger” differently.
Maybe it seems a little off to you because your mother tongue is English, I don’t know…
For me the meaning of the word ranges from: irritating, being just a little pissed to things more in the direction of choleric and wrathful.
Seems like it gravitates more to the later part of the spectrum than I expected...
Guess I have to change some things in the previous chapters a little to get the semantics right. Now that’s annoying… ^^
Still, thank you for your input
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My mother tongue isn't English, it's Danish.
And "Anger" can't really be perceived in any way aside from anger. What I mean isn't just that they seem like they get angry every two seconds, but that they are very explosive from time to time. One second they're happy, then Vinyl is jealous. Then Octavia is making a joke, Vinyl gets offended because her concern was brushed aside as a joke, and Octavia gets mad because of that.
There's not really anything that warrants a change in mood. I can understand Vinyl getting irritated, but Octavia suddenly getting mad because Vinyl doesn't want her concern brushed aside (not to mention that Vinyl obviously didn't remember what had happened) doesn't make sense.
I will advise you to pay very close attention to what mood you put them in. What happens? Is it realistic for them to actually become angry in the situation you've put them in?
I don't mean to sound rude, but some of your writing doesn't seem to be very well thought through. Quite a bit of stuff seems more random than it should.
Yay!!!
This was so awesome
Yay!!
New chapter cant wait for the next one
Spectra is... an interesting one. I have a feeling that her one blue eye is a lense, and that she's a vampire. Using her mind reading ability to "know her costumers."
Octy's Mother makes me want to punch her in the mouth.
I say this out of personal experience (No, I haven't punched my mother in the mouth, but I've wanted to.), as my Stepmother is the exact same way. She just won't stop talking about the absolute worst things that happen in my life, and shrugs the fact that I'm in the same room off like it's nothing. She is the most judgemental (REFRAIN) that has ever stepped into my life, and I'm sick of it.
And I can't do anything but watch...
Amazing work, definitely favorite.
Congratulations, I only counted 2 Ice puns.
Either I missed some, or you haven't done much with it. I feel good about this story either way
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Thanks ^^
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I love how Spectra turned out as well.The veil of mystery does really suit her.
Interesting thesis; sadly I can't really confirm or deny any theses without creating spoilers.
Not being able to reply even if I could bothers me a lot tbh.
I wonder if every author has that kind of problem...
make more........ IM SICK OF WAITING!
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Aye, will do!
Expect an update soon...
by soon do you mean by the end of the month... i realize writing can be hard. so answer me this. are you into it? or do you just do it every now and then
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I guess the problem at the moment is that I want to turn the ominous villains into fullfledged characters. I never really was much of a perfectonist but no matter what I tried I wasn't satisfied with how the chapter turned out. It was kind of frustrating to be honest. he biggest obstacle is that I can't "show" what the villains do because I'm shackeled to Octavia's view. Their whole thought process can't be perceived by Octavia and therefore it is pretty hard to avoid making the next chapter look clunky or cliché. However, two days ago I decided on an entirely different approach and so far I like how it turned out. So I guess I'll be able to finish the chapter within the next three days...
hmm... try using transversals and ‘some unknown ponies talking to eachother’ it will be implied (in one way or another) that the ponies in the transverse are the ‘enemy’ and it will also add a bit of mystery to the story. im not one into writing my own chapters, but im a huge helper when it comes to other people’s stories. maybe if you want we can work together on this. (but remember do whatever you want it IS your story) (((you want to colab in one way or another msg me)))
you mean pseudonym not synonym (there are other mistakes as well) but on a side not I'm loving this story and the mistakes aren't too distracting.
and now the wait for the next chapter begins. (I can't wait for the next chapter the suspense is killing me!!!)
THANK YOU THANK YOU UPDATE! (when i saw this updated i was skyping someone and i flipped my shit, when i did i scared the crap out of my friend)
When you asked about the weapon that would come to mind, the first thing i thought..... Scythe
umm... did you get the blade acolyte from maplestory? if you did i love you!
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No I didn't. I just found out that "maplestory" is a mmo. However, that is something I love about the internet; People always find some allusions...be they intended or...not.^^
dang. blade acolyte is a ‘job’ for the dual blade class. 2nd job to be exact. i really thought you would know that, lol. well whatever, unintended or not its still funny to me. (btw maplestory is awesome. play it in your free time! (((totally not an advertisement))))
This story needs more likes!!!
WOO! NEW CHAPTER. lovin it
4210017 Hey what about you put a crossover of vampire Cheerilee series to make your story more interesting?
3596871 i think there was lots of hints in the other chapters...
Subtle hints but they were obvious enough, vinyl liked her for a while now
Octavia is also hopelessly lost in that DJ but fails to see it^^
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Your danish? o.o
Well hello there fellow dane! ^^
Rød grød med fløde og alt det der.
Your the first dane i've met on fimfiction^^
Octavia you stupid mare... why didnt you tell the vamponies to stay off vinyl!
Everyone knows you secretly love her and fail to see it yourself
Nice chapter, i like the explenations :3
God damnit Octavia wake up! you know you like vinyl... and stop sticking to the norms..
I hope she finds true happyness soon, with vinyl by her side :3
On top of bieng what?.. what is vinyl really?
Hmmm she has red eyes... *thinks*
Awesome chapter :3
On Hiatus
Nuuuuu!!
no more Midnight melody? did you get a writers block?
Please continue this! >.< i wanna know what happens!
There you go :3 15 followers Wohoo, hope it can motivate you a bit even if i dosent, i think your story was really good ^^