Chapter 4
Vinyl trotted over to the quiet condo and knocked on the front door.
“Um… Octavia, it’s me, you in there?” No response, not surprising. “Um, I know we just had a big fight, but… can we talk about it?”
THAT WAS HER MOVING OPENING STATEMENT? Vinyl drove her hoof into her face in frustration. CELESTIA! This was harder than she thought.
“Ah…” Another brilliant statement on her part, how could she have thought about nothing but this conversation for three days and still have nothing to say? Suddenly she felt something fall of from the door and land gently on her forehoof. She picked it up, a piece of paper, probably a note that Octavia had left.
“Back already?” her father asked when she strode into the front room of her condo.
“Can you read this to me?” she asked handing him the paper. He took it and clearing his throat he read:
“Gone for a walk, out all evening. –Octavia.” Vinyl moaned, great! Now she would never be able to find her! Who takes an all-night walk?
Once her father had left to return home she decided to go up to her room and work on her music. As she did she kept thinking about Octavia and what she should say.
“Hey what’s wrong, what’s the matter with you? Why have you suddenly disappeared? Why are you blocking me out!?”
Eventually her eyelids began to droop, her breathing slowed and she fell asleep in her chair.
***
Vinyl was roused from her sleep by a shake on her shoulder.
“nmmm… what? Who’s there?”
“It’s me,” a very familiar voice replied. Vinyl near jumped out of her seat in response to her friend’s sudden appearance.
“Octavia! What? Where have you-?”
Octavia quickly hushed Vinyl and place her hoof over her mouth to keep her from talking.
“I’ll explain later, come with me.”
She grabbed her foreleg and dragged the unicorn down the stairs and out the front door. From her internal clock she could tell that she hadn’t been asleep more than an hour. Where on earth was Octavia taking her so late in the day? She led her through the streets for a long while, until Vinyl felt a change in the air and guessed that they had entered the forest.
“Octavia what are you-?”
“Shh! We’re almost there!”
Finally, Octavia stopped and let go of Vinyl’s hand. Vinyl perked up her ears; below her she heard a waterfall. She felt sturdy rock underneath her hooves and cool mist beat against her face.
“Where are we?”
“A waterfall in Everfree, I found this place when I was a kid,” Octavia replied.
“Ok, why are we here?” Vinyl asked siting down next to the cellist.
“Isn’t it beautiful?”
“Well… I wouldn’t be the best judge of that now would I?”
“But can’t you just feel it?”
“Octavia, where have you been? I’ve bee trying to contact you for days! I must have left like twelve gazillion messages on your phone!”
Octavia sat down and let her head fall onto Vinyl’s side.
“I’ve been thinking some stuff over.”
“Like what?” Vinyl shifted and rested her back against Octavia’s.
“My father wants me to get married!” Octavia laughed. “I’m only 19! And I have to already think about marriage!”
“Plus isn’t it the colt’s job to propose? I’m all for equal rights, but you seem like more of a traditionalist.”
“That isn’t my main problem either,” she said with a sigh.
Vinyl smiled this was how it should be, how it should always be. Her and her Octopus, talking, just talking nothing in the world to keep them from it.
“Vinyl, I… are you listening?”
“Hmm? Sorry my mind wandered.”
“This is very hard for me to say so please pay attention.”
Vinyl rolled her head and ‘looked’ at Octavia.
“Shoot then,” she said.
Vinyl felt Octavia’s whole body tense up against hers.
“Vinyl, I… believe I have developed feelings for you!”
The earth pony had let it out all so quickly that Vinyl almost missed it.
“Well… maybe you’re not as much of a traditionalist as I expected.”
“Vinyl please this is serious! My father is coming down from Canterlot with a young colt in tow! Oh I Just know he’s going to be some dry old bore!”
“Whoa, language!”
“What should I do? I don’t even know if I like colts anymore!”
“Calm down we’ll think of something.”
The two of them spent the evening discussing plans, talking about what to do if her dad forced her to marry, what to do if they somehow couldn’t meet up. Vinyl enjoyed every second of it.
***
The next day, Vinyl waited at the top of the stairs listening as Octavia paced around the front room.
“y’allright?” she called to her. No response. The two of them had spent almost all of last night discussing what to do and had finally come up with a plan so complex and intricate that Vinyl didn’t know if she could remember it all.
The front door creaked open and a Stallion’s voice boomed from the front hall.
“Octavia? Where are you my child?”
Vinyl skittered up the stairs and hid herself behind the wall listening to the conversation below.
“Daddy! It’s wonderful to see you again.”
“The same to you my dear, this young gentlecolt is Noteworthy, the son of a wealthy pianist friend of mine.”
“How do you do?” a third voice asked.
Now the plan would begin, Octavia would put a sleeping draft in their tea, and then she would escape leaving a fake ransom note. Vinyl felt around looking for where she had left her katana.
“Daddy I’m not going to marry this stallion.”
Vinyl had to cover he mouth to keep from crying out. What in the name of Molestia’s fat ass was she doing?
“Don’t be ridiculous child, of course you are!”
“Wait what?” Noteworthy interjected. “You said you just wanted to introduce us!”
“Quiet!”
“I will not marry some on I don’t love.”
“You’ve been reading too many romance novels Octavia, It is your responsibility as a young mare of the Melody family to marry into a good name. If Noteworthy does not tickle your fancy, there are a few other young stallions I have in mind.”
“Um, might we take my opinion into account?” Noteworthy asked.
“Don’t you start!” Octavia’s father yelled.
“Vinyl, could you come down please?” Octavia called up the stairs.
Slowly Vinyl pealed herself from the wall and slowly plodded down the stairs. She stood next to Octavia and gave her a ‘this had better bucking work’ look. Octavia threw her foreleg around Vinyl and turned to her father.
“If there is anyone I am to marry it would be Vinyl!”
“I can’t believe you Octavia!” her father blustered. “You, my own daughter living in sin with a-a-a RAVER!”
“Hey, where I come from, that’s a complement,” said Vinyl.
“Well you can crawl right back into the hell hole that spawned you and leave my daughter alone!”
“Daddy, Vinyl hasn’t done anything, and we haven’t been ‘living in sin’ we only got together last night.”
“At one of those wretched clubs no doubt.”
“No, I’m just her neighbor…though that would have been much cooler.”
Octavia’s father stepped forward and pealed Octavia off of Vinyl.
“Look her you harlot!” he said, judging by the puff of breath that hit her face like a stinking summer breeze, Octavia’s father’s face was right next to hers. “There is a word in our civilized tongue called, Responsibility. Now this word can mean a great many things from needing to clean one’s room to marring into a good family.”
“And down here we have a word called, No,” Vinyl replied. “Your daughter’s been saying it for quite a while I can translate it if you like, it means, ‘Buck off and let me live my own life!’”
Octavia’s father growled and turned.
“You will regret this decision, Octavia, and don’t come crying to me when your life goes down the drain.”
With that, he left dragging the bewildered Noteworthy behind him.
Octavia collapsed onto Vinyl.
“We did it!” she said, shocked. The she started laughing. “I was so scared… But we did it.”
“You did most of it, I just stood here and looked pretty.”
The two of them laughed together for a while.
“I am sad I didn’t get to use my katana though,” Vinyl said.
***
“What should we do with this melody?” Vinyl asked. Octavia took off he head phones and put her bow to the stings of her cello.
“Well I think a gentle vibrato to heighten the melodic tension would be good, but we also might try a dip into g minor at the downbeat, which would be better for blending the vocal harmonies.”
“I love it when you talk dirty to me.”
Octavia blushed and began to play, Vinyl popped on her head phones and began recording. The melody flowed like water as Octavia’s cello sung its little wooden heart out. The low tones of the cello blended perfectly to the buzzing frequencies of the synthesizer. Vinyl looked up at the clock.
“Time to close up shop,” she said sliding her chair back from the desk. “Got a party I need to get to.”
“Don’t be out to late,” Octavia asked gently.
“Don’t worry, it’s a kid’s party, I’ll be back before its dark.”
She gave Octavia a quick kiss then began packing up her things.
The two of them together had set up a small DJ business and were doing quite well for themselves. They had not heard from Octavia’s father in a while, and life was peaceful, if somewhat uneventful. Vinyl trotted out the front door, horn primed with locating magic to guide her to her location.
The rest of the afternoon came and went and vinyl eventually made her way back home. Forgetting to check around the corner she slammed into someone coming around the corner of the building.
“Watch it!” she yelled.
“Don’t speak to me that way young mare,” a chuckling voice replied.
Vinyl groaned.
“Hey dad…” she sighed.
She led her father into the house and the two of them sat down together on the sofa.
“It’s been a while since I last checked up on you.” Her father said adjusting himself into a more comfortable siting position.
“yeah,” Vinyl replied “like a whole week!”
He laughed and turned back to his daughter smiling.
“I’ve heard from Mr. Neighdolf that you’ve started up your DJ Company.”
“It’s not so much a company as it is two mares dicking a computer.”
“TWO mares?” Her father said, eyebrow raised.
“Vinyl, dearest is that you? Who are you talking to- OH!”
The two of them turned to look as Octavia trotted down the stairs.
“Hello there.” Vinyl’s father rose from the couch and introduced himself. “I’m Vinyl’s old stallion; you must be the other mare.”
“Other mare?”
“No worries,” Vinyl said rising from the couch to join the two. “Just one of his jokes.”
Vinyl stepped over to Octavia and slung her foreleg around her.
“Dad, this is my Octavia, she a cellist and all around bad ass.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” said Octavia looking at her lover blankly.
“Pleasure’s all mine.”
***
“She seems like a wonderful mare,” he father said as Vinyl walked with him to his cart. “You two make an adorable couple.”
Vinyl snorted with laughter and bumped her father with her flank.
“Get out‘a here old man, don’t you have some crazy old nag to get back to?”
“And you you’re old porcelain doll,” he laughed. “Well I guess she’s not old… yet.”
He stepped into his cart and turned to Vinyl.
“You be careful now,” he said in a serious tone. “You’re not one to think before saying things, and porcelain breaks easily.”
“That happened once,” Vinyl replied. “We found out I’m the glue.”
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I think this story had a good premise, but this last chapter happened too fast and ended too soon. First of all, it didn't sound like they resolve or talk about the conflict that started it all from the previous chapter. They just skipped that and moved on to a new conflict. Second, the part where Octavia talked about being introduced by another colt by her father should have been more developed and seperated in another chapter/story. Third, the character development betweent the two love interests is too short, especially if they just admitted their feelings for each other. Lastly, they don't talk much about Vinyl's blindness in the chapter. Sure, there was a minor part where Octavia leads Vinyl to a waterfall location, but that's all I can recall. Her ability to adapt to her surroundings should be one of the strong points of this story. Plus, there wasn't any physical interaction between Vinyl and Octavia by the time they got together. Now this story doesn't have to resolve around sex, but it could have explored more on Vinyl's sensitive touch to feel some physical closure from Octavia, whether through a deep kiss, the touch of the Earth Pony's fur or cheek, or stroking her black, silky mane.
I'm sorry that I'm nitpicking a lot in this story, but honestly, I had high expectations regarding with the progress and eventually its conclusion. Either way, I still give it a "Like" for its potential on a new spin for an OctaScratch romantic fanfic and a great start which I "Faved" and "Liked" this to begin with.
Hope my opinion helps in anyway possible, and again, I'm sorry if I sound over-critical.
"Amor Caecus Est"
Here's a link to a favorite story of mine featuring the romance of a blind Fleetfoot and newcomer Wonderbolt, Rainbow Dash. It's long and it features mature-rated sexual interaction, but if you can look pass that, give it a look and maybe you'll find some inspiration from there in case you want to continue this through another story or so.
...............
.........
.........why? Why is there a human word?
4230348
Nine hells...
I'll go fix it.
4229628
.
)
As a writer I appreciate any constructive criticism
I agree with you, I think my biggest challenge is not making problems happen and resolve to quickly ( If i was any worse i could wright the next EQG movie *ba da ding*
4229666
*shudders* I'll try to read it....
4229953
OK, it might just be my twelve inch thick skull, but i don't see mistakes in most of these.
Could you help me out a bit?
I agree with 4229628 on quite a few points. its very rushed and just jumps from event to event with very little establishing scenes to show us their relationship. honestly much more of the father daughter relationship between Vinyl and her father was established than the one between Vinyl and Octavia. Vinyl being blind seams forgotten at times and sometimes it implies that its used as an excuse to not describe the surroundings.
a good example of blind vinyl is Sounds of a sister, particularly the way she perceives the world.
A lot of 'tell' instead of 'show'. we are sorta told "btw vinyl and octavia are in a relationship now" without being shown this.
as RoyalRainbow said; much of the conflict is never resolved. it's almost as if you had trouble with writing many of the character development scenes in-between the plot events and then gave up and skipped them.
Sorry if im sounding harsh, I know how bad it feels when ones work is criticised, but I feel as if it needs to be said. don't stop writing because of criticism however, just take some of it on board and see what you can do to improve the story. I suggest looking at the writing guides that are on the site somewhere, (I cant be bothered to find them to be honest) they help lots I find.
2.bp.blogspot.com/-LlTDs0iJIdA/UtEfxaBRhoI/AAAAAAAABaQ/Bx8v2rcEUNo/s1600/He-Man1.png
he glue
I'm sure this is already plastered throughout the comments. Just wanted to say what i'm thinking. First, the chapter was rushed. Both between octy getting upset, and the period between the issue of her father and them having a business.
Also, not knowing this was supposed to be the last chapter, i was kind of disappointed. Seems rather premature to me, especially with no point of climax in the story. (No obvious one anyways).
I really hope you add more to it in order to justify the story some.
4230696
Thank you I appreciate your advice.
4232066
Honestly I doubt I'll add any more, It's an old rule of artist that if you keep going back to something trying to improve it it'll never be perfect, just if it's done it's done let it go.
I'm sorry if this story disappointed you, and i hope that I'll be able to impress you in the future.
Thank you for your input though.
but what did she see?
4230744 glue can be made artificially, in fact atrificial glue is generally more efficient than traditional hourse glue.
4239345
OH LAWDY! I completely forgot that glue is made from horses!
Katana!? Was vinyl planning on killing somepony!
4239345 and thats where all the humans went. slaughtered for glue.
4241456 but that is my point, as glue can be made artificially without haveing to slaughter anything(simply mixing chemicals), they do not need to kill humans for it.
4244672
You do if you want to make wonderglue.
4795931 it is probably not as powerful as the better synthetic glues though.
4798830
Never mind, I was wrong in the first place!
Ah, wait, looks like wonderglue is only made out of ponies in Fallout: Equestria, the Fallout Wiki doesn't seem to think it's made out of people.
Has someone being playing Mass Effect?