After the Gala, and Pinkies stunt with the Poney Pokey song, nopony will take Ocvavia seriously as a musician anymore. After weeks of hunting for a job and living off anything she can scrape together, she finds a very successful nightclub which is looking for new employees. A job is offered to her by the new owner of the club, Vinyl Scratch, and she takes it without a second thought. At first all they are are coworkers but Vinyl soon realizes that she wants to be more than that with the cellist.
Chapters (9)
Thank you to everyone who has enjoyed the story so far. This is my first attempt at a romance story so I'd appreciate any feedback. Chapter Three should be out either this weekend or early next week. It just depends on when I have time to edit it.
Pretty good, seams a bit rushed though and jumps forward a lot. I suggest padding it out with more scenes to establish their personalities a bit more. Scenes of them hanging out, or Octavia's first night on the job, or Octavia deciding to apply for the job, etc etc
Also to develop reasons for growing attractions instead of the standard argue with inner voice.
A little too much 'tell' instead of 'show'. Right now the story is just skipping to parts where things happen but its important to show what the characters are like.
The scene's that are written are paced appropriately, its just the story itself is rushed
Unless its intentional, in that case keep going like this.
EDIT: I hope I don't come off as too pretentiousness and lecturery. Its not what my intended tone is
4217682
Thank you for the advice, I was trying to write it this way a little bit but I feel like I'm advancing too quickly as you said. I was planning on having the majority of the story take place outside of the club and develop their charachters more that way. The club was more of a way to introduce them both to each other but it will definetly be used more later in the story.
I apologize for the latest chapter being so late. I haven't had a lot of time to write anything as of late because of school/track stuff. Thankfully I should be getting back on track and I will try to update the story once a week as I was doing before.
Thanks,
~Wolf
Okay so...Chapter four may be delayed...again. I may have misplaced the flash drive that contains the latest version of the story and chapter. Hopefully I'll find it soon and the chapter will be out on Sunday or Monday.
Mah bad,
~Wolf
Hey, great intro. A suggestion is a bit more investigating with the ledger bit at the end. It went by a little too fast, but than that, great work.
Just from... "if I do it correctly, something else which I will not spoil." you spoiled it.
Amazing job though, try to put more in them. Chapters 3 and four could have been the same one.
Poor Octavia, what are you getting yourself into?
Good chapter — although I should point out that it's 'Rainbow Dash', not 'Rainbowdash.'
4462341 Thank you for that, I didn't even notice that I did that. I was in a little bit of a rush to get the chapter out and forgot to check for that.
4461223
I thought of that but I felt like this was the best format for what I have planned, but I will try to put more into each chapter as you suggested.
4465774 Don't get me wrong. Amazing, but you rush stuff. For example, what does the club look like? Who did that one colt look like? What was the energy of the song Octavia play? See what I mean, multiple spots that would do two things.
Goodluck
A- Increase the length which in the long run is more appealing, more story.
B- More detail, which creates imagery. Imagery allows the reader to visually see a place or thing in your story, as if it was in front of them.
Trust me, this will improve it greatly.
4465811
Thank you for the advice, I really do appreciate it and I'll do my best to do what you suggested in future chapters and I may go back and add some stuff.
4465840 Please add a description for the club, right now it's a techno style set up in Helgen's torture chamber from skyrim... in my head at least...
4465769
Ah, yes, the rush to get chapters out.
Having experienced this myself, I feel your pain.
Hehe, now this is quite a story. It honestly doesn't matter how many Octavia/Vinyl fanfics I read, I can never get enough of those two.
This is getting pretty interesting but there are some issues regarding this:
"You're so sweet. I can''t believe that you don't have a buckfriend already."
1. You doubled up the ' in can't.
2. You said 'buckfriend' which given some ponification conventions may translate to "f*** buddy" with certain readers. If you intended an equivalent for boyfriend, 'coltfriend' is a common term, and is much less open to misinterpretation.
3. The first full stop seems like it should probably be a comma instead. Not a big thing, it's personal opinion, I just think it would be a cleaner sentence that way.
Also with this:
She can't mean...no, there's no way i'd be that lucky.
You forgot to capitalise the i in "I'd".
This next part is probably me being nitpicky, but I can't help pointing it out:
The white pony nodded, her lightning blue mane falling in front of her face.
The term for that colour is 'electric blue' not lightning blue.
5015616
Thank you for pointing those out. I was planning on reading through more thoroughly today to look for grammatical errors and the like. I used lightning blue mainly because of a couple of other stories that have used the term so I had assumed that that was the correct name. As for "buckfriend", I see what you mean but I feel like colt friend is more childish, as a colt is the equivalent to a young boy, not an adult. I have also seen "buckfriend" in other stories where the main characters are primarily adults.
5016012 Glad I could be of some help. Also, fair enough regarding 'buckfriend', though I personally fail to see how 'coltfriend' could be any more childish than boyfriend.
Even drunk, emotional compromised, and in the middle of a tender moment.... Octavia still has the time cognitive strength to be a grammar nazi. XD oh Tavi..... nie ändern (never change)
4461179 Ditto, I was actually going to reply to that comment with the exact same thing you said... Weird...
Usually ponies in fanfics use buck as a replacement for the word fuck... So stallion whores?
Is it not Polka?
That can't be legal...
As you would say
Why are one of these a quotation mark and the other a apostrophe?
I swear it was Polka.
First couple of nights
Well that was quick.
When are you legally an adult in Equestria..?
Wasn't it Pinkie who got Tavi to play the Pony Polka? I expected some conflict considering in a way it is Pinkies fault that Tavi is not taken seriously any more..
5024448 It was actually the Pony Pokey.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JBbXw4V-Tc
I do think that it would be best if they changed 'buckfriend' to 'coltfriend', but if you actually read their response to my suggestion, they seem to think that 'coltfriend' is somehow more childish than 'boyfriend' the word it is meant to replace. I may not understand their opinion on the subject, but I respect it.
Also, one of your 'corrections' is unneccesary.
While technically correct, it is not outside the realm of possibility that one's manner of speaking would cause them to drop 'would' from the phrase. Just as some teenagers randomly insert 'like' into the middle of sentences even though it doesn't belong.
5024448
I do appreciate you telling me about the grammatical issues in the chapter. I do try and read carefully to find them but I sometimes miss some problems. As for all of the phrasing and issues involving age and legality, you must remember that Vinyl and Octavia are still somewhere around the age of nineteen (this is assuming that ponies age and mature similar to humans) so her parents would still have been her legal guardians at the time. And I will change "buckfriend" to "coltfriend". I didn't realize that it would be this big of a deal.
5025456 You could change it to "Stallion friend" if you think colt friend is to childish.
so cute
... I'm gonna like and favorite this
Don't know why but I read this as if they were anthro
Are there two copies of the author's notes? It's showing that there are two on my screen.
Welcome back!
And no, I don't see a second authors note
Eheh, mistake in the short description.
5662695
Thank you!
Good show! Can't to see what happens next
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw10895-download_1.gif
Sneaking out is cowardly Octavia! Vinyl is going to be really sad...
Sorry for the super duper delay!!!
I sooooooooo hope this has a happy ending, it's been going so sweetly >.<
6231930
I'm glad you're looking forward to reading more!
I'm really sad for Vinyl.
Don't give up Vinyl!
You mean bits?
6488683
Thanks, haha. Force of habit I guess
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Almost done
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Whyyyyy octavia why
Well, I’ll just imagine it ended happily for now