• Member Since 21st Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

Jet Cannon


I came here to read awesome stories, post mediocre ones, and chew gum. And I'm all out of gum. Well, actually, I never had any gum in the first place, but you get the idea.

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After Trenderhoof leaves Ponyville, Rarity and Applejack have a little talk over some drinks.


A little something that's been sitting around, mostly finished, ever since Simple Ways aired. I'm slow, ok?

Editing/proofreading/making it not suck done by Silent Tortoise.

Cover image produced by myself from stock imagery nicked off found on the MLP:FiM wiki.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 27 )
Comment posted by Silent Tortoise deleted Mar 7th, 2014
Comment posted by Silent Tortoise deleted Mar 7th, 2014
Comment posted by Silent Tortoise deleted Mar 8th, 2014

4045969 First thing's first:
*deep breath in*

WHYWOULDYOUDOTHATTOMEINTHEMESSAGEDOYOUHAVEANYIDEAHOWWORRIEDIWASFORTHESECONDSITTOOKTOLOADTHESTORYUPANDSEEWHATYOUWEREACTUALLYSAYING???!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Calm, calm, deep breaths, deep breaths...

It's not working! :raritydespair:

*ahem*

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:
You assh... silly pony, you. :derpytongue2:
You can indeed feel free to add my story to that list you mentioned, and I shall go attend to the issues you have raised.

Apart from the spelling. That's how we Brits spell those words. Pesky Yanks... :raritywink:

Thank you for the amazingly thorough going-over (I don't know why I'm still surprised by that, although it's probably because I hardly ever have anything to show you :twilightblush:), and I shall give you a shout when I've sorted things out a bit. :twilightsmile:

4045969 And one other, little thing:

p38s1: ""Glad to be of service, Rarity,"
You need a period, not a comma.

I thought you weren't supposed to end a quote with a full stop if the sentence then carries on after it?

4045969 And that should, with any luck, be that. What do you think?

Regarding p38s1, Yes, you are correct in saying you don't end a quote with a full stop if the sentence carries on after. However because the quote continues on a separate line (p39), you enter this gross grey area where everything's just yucky and blurred.
Like do you know how annoying it is dealing with blurred lines? Try making a sandwich that way. :fluttershysad:

Yeah, not so funny, is it?! :trixieshiftright:

The fix to this is simply combine p38/39 into one paragraph. (Just delete the spacing between the two. In general though, if a quote continues on, you generally want it to continue on as part of the same paragraph.

As for spelling, I made sure to double-check everything on Meriam Webster, and when I typed in "sombrely" nothing came up (and generally they include British spellings). Also in all my readings (which include a large number of British authors), I do not recall ever encountering that spelling. That being said, if you're sure it's right, then keep it. :derpytongue2:

And you are most welcome Jet. It's always nice to see an author really spread his/her wings, and soar. :twilightsmile:

I'm just glad I could at least be of some use, some assistance to somepony.

4047508
4050569

It's not really a grey area if you consider the actual sequence of events being described.

"Glad to be of service, Rarity," she chuckled, patting her on the back. When they separated again, Applejack looked around and was surprised to see that they were the only two in the area.

"Hoo-ee, guess we might've been talking for longer than we thought!"

The first part, in green, is a line of dialogue followed by an attribution of who said it and how ("she chuckled") and an action ("patting her on the back") which occurs simultaneously with Applejack speaking that line of dialogue. There is then an implied passage of time during the subsequent actions which are not simultaneous with her speaking the first line of dialogue (in blue), and then Applejack speaks again (in orange) after the events in blue. Therefore, that first line, as dialogue-plus-attribution-plus-simultaneous-action, must be punctuated as shown, with a comma at the end of the dialogue.

A period would only be correct if the intended sequence of events was that Applejack chuckles and pats Rarity on the back after she finishes speaking, not while she's speaking.

That being said, it would be better to eliminate the space between, like so:

"Glad to be of service, Rarity," she chuckled, patting her on the back. When they separated again, Applejack looked around and was surprised to see that they were the only two in the area. "Hoo-ee, guess we might've been talking for longer than we thought!"

Since Applejack is still the speaker, it's unnecessary to insert a paragraph break there.

Oh, one other thing about the formatting: your paragraph indentation is inconsistent. Either indent all paragraphs, regardless of whether they contain dialogue or not, or indent none of them; don't mix styles. (Note also that if you go with "indent none", the extra line of space between paragraphs is mandatory; if you indent all paragraphs, it's technically optional, though I think it looks somewhat better to do it anyway; it just seems easier to read on a screen.) If you imported this from Google Docs, it's probably an import error; GDocs likes to screw that up for some reason. :twilightangry2:

(You done bein' pedantic now, sugarcube?) :ajbemused:
(Oh, like you even know what "pedantic" means, Applejack.)
(*ahem* Pedantic: overly concerned with minute details, formal rules an' book learnin'.) :ajsmug:
(...)
(She's got you there, darling.) :raritywink:

4052361 Thank you for the clarification. :twilightsmile:

As to the indentation, I think that may mostly be down to us having different ideas of where a paragraph begins and ends in this story. I don't have the time to explain what I mean right now, but I shall come back and clarify in... a couple of hours? :twilightblush:

4052361 Never mind, back now.

Basically it's just that I leave a space between new lines of dialogue and the lines that came before them. I feel that it looks a bit cleaner than having everything clustered together, new line for dialogue or not. This could be confusing when it comes to picking out when a new paragraph actually starts, and that's why I use indents in those places.

What do you think, is that still a bit confusing?

"Well I'm glad you’re enjoying it, Trenderhoof," she said with a more genuine smile. "It was my pleasure to organise it all, once I got my head together, that is..."

Organize is spelled wrong

It was ok...pretty good. The dialogue I found a bit hard to follow though, but other than that, it was pretty good :twilightsmile:

4052641
Not necessarily; "organise" is an alternate spelling, common in the UK and Australia. Given that the author also insists on using that extra "u" in "color"... :rainbowlaugh:


4052506
(Speaking of British vs. American English, BTW, Applejack's line of dialogue:

I'm sure Big Mac'll have some put by for us.

is a bit off. An American – and with that accent, AJ is very definitely a Southern USA farm girl :ajsmug: – would say "I'm sure Big Mac'll have some set aside for us", not "put by.")

Anyway – yes, the formatting is confusing, and technically incorrect. By definition, a new paragraph is marked by the indentation of the first line, and/or by leaving a line of blank space beween lines of text. So, for example:

“I suppose?” Applejack shrugged. “Tall, dark, handsome, ain’t afraid of getting his hooves dirty, doesn’t shirk his responsibilities, kind and funny, the usual sort of stuff. I’m not too fussy either way; so long as we click in some way or another then that’s good enough for me. If he makes me happy, and I make him happy, then that’ll be a job well done in my book.”

»She nodded, happy with her summation, before glancing at the clock and laughing slightly.

“Well, that’s the second time tonight we’ve let the time run away with us, Rares. Hate to cut short our little chat but I’ve got chores to do in the morning, and I’m sure you’ll have your Boutique to attend to as well.”

By leaving those blank empty spaces between lines, which I marked with the red symbols, you have by definition begun a new paragraph. The indentation, marked by », also begins a new paragraph, by definition.

If something is meant to be one paragraph, then you have to format it as one paragraph – which means no extra space between lines, and no extra indentations. You can't spread it out across multiple indented, whitespace-separated lines and still call it one paragraph.

4052725 4052729 I do insist on it! 'Tis how 'tis spelt! :twistnerd:
Pesky Yanks... :raritywink:

As for formatting: yeah, I suppose so. :ajsleepy:

And thanks for your tip on British v American English for AJ's dialogue, EquesTRON.

EDIT: Actually, having changed it about a bit, I'm not really so fond of how it looks. It may be technically incorrect, but I just think it'll be easier to read if it's more spaced out. And having checked some other stories by popular authors I see they have often done similarly to myself. This doesn't mean any of us are right, but oh well. I shall face the consequences if and when any arise! :rainbowdetermined2:

4053034

Spacing the paragraphs out is fine, just don't indent some and not others. (A lot of people around here write "loose" instead of "lose" and think "it's" is the possessive, too. Doesn't mean they're right.) It's confusing, because the visual cue of where a new paragraph actually starts is not consistent.

Don't feel singled out, though; if I'd seen any of those other authors doing it, I'd've called them out on it too. :pinkiehappy:

(And dialogue is always tricky when you're trying to write a character who uses a vernacular different from your own, to be sure. Even here in the States, there are occasions when something that's a common and well-known expression in the southern states is completely unknown up north, or vice-versa, despite the fact that we all supposedly speak "American" here! :rainbowlaugh:)

4053236 Well it's good to know you're equally discriminatory to everyone. :trollestia:

A really nice story here. I like episode reflections.

Super cute story

That was a nice, relaxing read. Would have been perfect just before going to bed, but it's noon and I'm at work, unfortunately...

Also, thanks for making me learn a new word. I'm sure I'll have multifarious chances to use it in the future :pinkiecrazy:

4061300 I apologise for your unfortunate timing. :raritywink:
And indeed, 'tis a good word. :twistnerd:

Nice work Jet cannon, like and fav from me.

4178233 Thank you for saying so. :twilightsmile:
And ooh, I recognise you! :raritystarry:

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