Everyone thinks they're the hero of their own story. Yet nobody wonders just what its like when you swear you're doing the right thing, that everything you're working for is because you have to do it, yet youre seen as the villain for doing so
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The more I read this, the more I wonder when my prison break/ mystery of what the human did to end up in prison turned into a Japanese Harem comedy?
I love how you portrayed Gilda and I can't wait till they find out that everypony thinks Jeremy died in a burning building. What a conversation that will be.
the revel of what he did to get in prison is gonna be good
Woo! New chapter! Given your interpretations of Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis I'm actually interested in seeing how you write for Gilda. That's something of a reversal from the norm for me.
Did you mean "the many shadows"?
That "willingly" is redundant.
Holy macaroni!
midlifegamer.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/fallout-3-thumbs-up.jpg
5145872
The greatest of face palms. -_-
Hmmm so now what? Do we do a change of views in canterlot or with Gilda?
Every chapter I like Chrysalis more and more!
And remember, there needs to be at least four participants for a proper Harem.
Ok, many things here..
First: NEW CHAPTER YES OMG!!!!
Second: Awesome pic! Love it!
Third: I sense a Gilda v.s Moon battle for Jeremy! The feathers are gonna fly!
5145727 Seconded. When are we going to find out what his crime was? I'm a little disappointed in the decision to make this awkward potential love pentagram a main part of the story. Just personal preference.
Also, despite having been born in 1994, and thus having no idea whatsoever what this is, I feel the urge to post this:
Alright, another good character exposition chapter, hopefully this pretty well wraps up the interlude, and they'll be heading out by the end of next chapter.
liar
are ye
plentiful is an adjective. Nouns are Plenty, plenitude, plentitude, or the somewhat odd-sounding, but apparently archaic, mickle.
Putting 'great' before any of them is also redundant, but that can be used as a conscious decision by the speaker to extra-emphasize it.
should be 'you, neither, are as perfect as you mean.' (I think)
However, it's Zecora, and poets and Yodas tend to take liberties with speech to fit their own patterns. (The way this is set up, there should be a 'nor'/or and another clause at the end)
comma after assist to bound the clause
Should technically have a preposition before 'this'.(Of this,)
(Though, it could just be Luna's speech patterns omitting it, and leaving it as implied)
fearsome. fearful means full of fear,(You're actually saying she looks afraid) while fearsome means able to cause fear in others.
directing, not directioning
shouldn't be a comma after 'but' or Chrysalis.
Edit: Or after Jeremy for that matter.
Edit2: Actually, I misread that. It's a somewhat confusing system of clauses and lists.(I think all of them might technically be right) Probably too many for a single sentence though, making it a run-on. Perhaps separating it into "Halfy also gave a slight squeak from Zecora's sudden appearance. However, much like Nightmare Moon, Chrysalis, and Jeremy, she remained comparatively unfazed"
5146322 As far as can be told, he didn't commit any crime to end up in prison... yet. The 'Princesses' probably had some sort of prophecy that said he would cause their destruction or something along those lines, so they decided to pre-emptively strike and take him out of the equation before he could do whatever he did to make it come true. Little do they realise, their actions are probably what doom them...
So Gilda is not the least bit...concerned. Over seeing this being that tried to plunge all of Equestria into darkness...nor the being that invaded Canterlot to try and take over Equestria. She's not apprehensive. She's not frightened. She's not "are you sure they can be trusted?". She's not "HOLY FREAKING HELL". She's not ANY normal reaction beyond essentially "Oh, wow, you are getting SOOO lucky, aren't you"?
Normal. People. Do not act this way. ONE. One single and solitary logical response. Reasonable reactions. Is that so much to ask? This is like seeing your old buddy is palling around with Lex Luthor and the Joker! Makes! NO! SENSE!
5146730
True. But, to be fair, since when is there a 'normal', in this story, or the franchise. Besides... Gilda... Yeah...
I really like the idea of Gilda having a "thing" for her friend and flirts with him every now and then, can't wait to se Nightmare moons reaction to that tough, jealousy aplenty it shall be!!
5146673 Clearly the princesses have no idea what goes on in their own dungeons - I just can't see the princesses condoning constant torture, even of the worst criminals - so somewhere up the chain of command, in between the soldiers doing the "dirty work" and the one who finally reports to the princesses, that information is getting edited out.
If there was a prophecy regarding him, I still fail to see why it would cause him to wind up in a cell with two of the worst criminals in recent history. It's like placing Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin in the same room in the same prison, and then tossing in the pizza delivery guy. It doesn't make any sense. Especially since there is a very large chance that, if he wasn't evil before, long hours in close contact with two very evil villains, on top of the fact that he has no idea why he's in there and thus every reason to hate his jailers, he's probably going to turn evil now.
I could see if it was a vague prophecy, like if the only way for Chryssi and NMM to be redeemed was for him to be in there, the princesses might toss him in. But to never check on his welfare? The torment of an innocent would weigh heavily on Princess Celestia's mind, even just the assumed torment of him being trapped in there with two very evil beings. I can't see her agreeing to pile it on with torture.
Unless he'd done something. Something evil, to be locked up with the worst of Equestria's villains.
5147458 In response to the torture, do remember that he helped Moony and Chryssy to escape, and given their history with the Princesses, Celestia and Luna would be almost desperate to get them back in prison, so it's not impossible to assume they would resort to torture in order to get that information. Don't forget, they faked his death to make sure noone came looking for him, so who's to say they wouldn't torture him as well...
As for the 'redemption', that is also a possibility, but given Celestia and Luna's reaction to the escape, it's doubtful that is the case. That's why I believe if there is a prophecy, it has more to do with the human causing Equestria's destruction than anything else.
And finally, the situation in the prison. This is Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis we're talking about, as well as their human captive, it is extremely unlikely they don't keep up to date on the goings-on in their cell, so they have to know at least something. They may very well 'visit' the prisoners in a disguise to keep the guard from worrying about them, giving them an opportunity to see the conditions of the inmates themselves...
You raise some valid points, and I'd enjoy discussing them more at some point.
5146730
actually, I would be casual around NMM...
I'm getting a sinking feeling that Halfy isn't missing an eye. That she covers her other eye to stop herself from seeing the bad in other ponies. That she left town because she couldn't stop seeing evil in everypony and hides so she can have peace.
And I have a hunch, that blindfold is going to fall off - while in the company of all these flawed beings. And when Halfy sees them for who they are, ...
5146673 Its like Booker DeWitt in Columbia all over again.
Where a man goes to a supposed Utopian land and makes nice with the natives. Until the natives try to f**k him up - due to an old prophecy of a man comming to f**k them up - and by defending himself, he is forced to f**k them up.
This story is amazing so far of that I am sure and I hope you keep itt up. I wonder what kind of shenanigans will happen with all of those girls being in one house.
Fantastic i love this story the writeing is superb any way thanks for the great story keep up the fantastic work!
That bump on her forehead. Me thinks she's no earth pony.
~Have a good one.
this story makes me laugh and cringe... (Stepping on a cat's tail is not cool... I know this)
This is very good so far.
keep up the good work.
This story deserves more likes...
Love everything about this chapter!
And, Gilda, makes a PERFECT flirt. Her sexy body and predator like nature is a dangerous and hot combo!
5297066
I'm serious.
Your drawing of Halfty is gone. Also.. MOAR!
5154005
I'm gonna say yes to the eye thing but no the the evil in the cast
5237552 Totally agree.
But Gilda should also get back on Zecora for withholding info on where is Jeremy.
The little anger symbol on Zicora's forehead was priceless