Everyone thinks they're the hero of their own story. Yet nobody wonders just what its like when you swear you're doing the right thing, that everything you're working for is because you have to do it, yet youre seen as the villain for doing so
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Wow, thats all I have to say.
A lovely chapter! By the way, I think you left the bold font on a BIIIT too long.
Well that went well, now what?
So almost a hundred thousand words into the story, we know Jeremy is afraid of the light, presumably because...maybe...Celestia kept visiting him in his dungeon and it made him hate her? Okay, that's nice, but...again, it's been almost twenty chapters and we don't know why he was there, why NMM and Chrysalis were put so closely together with him, why Celestia seems so scared of him being lose or even him in general, why he cannot seem to remember why he was down there, why he hasn't missed being back on Earth, why they were able to get out of supposedly the most deepest and supposed-to-be heavily guarded prison in Canterlot...
There's still a lot of questions left, and it would be appreciated to have some answers. Real answers. Not to be strung it for another twenty chapters to maybe get another tiny hint.
Very nice, I was hoping to actually see a bit of progress towards helping him get over his phobia, but this is still pleasant. Can't wait to find out what's going to happen now that Celestia is on to them. The suspense is bothering me a little bit, but totally bearable, because suspense can't kill anyone. Looking forward to the next chapter, and best of luck in all your endeavors.
I don't mean to be a grammar Nazi when I say this but
photophobic is when people are sensitive to the light meaning the eye's hurt easier or the skin burns faster
Heliophobic is the fear of the sun, sunlight or of great light
.....I hate myself
on the bright side....damn pun
I just love how the author is named brightlight
4824479 well there IS a difference between no answers and plans for a long story.
patience is the Word of the day here.
4824674
Patience is fine and all, but he does make a good point about it being a hundred thousand words.
Never go full Diaries of a Madman.
I can't tell if the Author's note is about the story..
Or about Chrysalis. Or NMM.
4824736 true, i suppose i should blame me thinking about the difference between good pacing, fluff and simple impatience while Reading glandee's comment.
The FEELS!!!!
4824479
i think it has something to do with that one pony that took his previous job. that dude was seriously excited about jeremy being dead oddly enough.
Feel guilty, Nightmare. I'm sorry, but in this instance you kinda deserve to.
4824479
Jeremy is afraid of the light because every time the light came on the guards would beat him. He now associates light with being beaten and can't see one with out the other happening.
4825213
That still doesn't explain WHY they were beating him, why he was in jail in the first place, what he did that was so bad to deserve any of that treatment, etc, etc. And the thing is, we're almost 100,000 words in. Twenty chapters in. I think SOME answers would be most appreciated. SOME explanations as to the nagging questions that have kept popping up. In Romeo and Juliet, another love story, they established why the families hated each other, where the story was taking place, the backstories for the characters, all within the first couple of acts. For Twilight, they established what vampires were and could do and why Edward was so mysterious and sullen and reserved pretty quickly too. I get that you don't want to give away all your mysteries. But very little was established to explain why the characters weren't acting the way we, the audience, expected them to act judging by what we know of them from the show, what made them different and why, nor why Jeremy was in jail, let alone Equestria, etc, etc. Too many questions, not enough answers, and almost 100,000 chapters in, very little has been revealed about those questions.
I mean, revealing he's got a big phobia and why he's afraid of light isn't BAD, it just...isn't enough.
4825245 Why he is in jail doesn't need to be revealed yet. It is slowly getting their with Gilda looking into it. Why he was beat? Why do prisoners in our world get treated like shit. Sometimes when people are put in positions of power they abuse it. It could be as simple as that. Celestia probably doesn't even know what is going on down there.
4825393
This isn't our world, our politics, our rules. You're applying the extremist human elements to, I remind you, a society that is literally protected by the power of Love and who has literal elements of Harmony it used to seal away a LITERAL embodiment of the force of Chaos. That's a cop-out argument. And the problem is it's been too long. Forget "looking into it". We've been more than patient, some actual answers would be appreciated. Because if you keep teasing and teasing and the build up is so huge but the ultimate answer is so weaksauce...then you've just wasted all our time.
4825483 Ok, how about Becuase the guards feel god damn useless. They literally do nothing when anything big happens. They stand around waiting for someone to fix it. So then they have one job, guard this door. The people inside escape. What a failure they must feel. Now they have a prisoner who has the answers to where they escapees went. They want answers, and will do anything to finally be usefull.
4825513
But he doesn't have answers. They don't know he has the answers. He's an engineer who doesn't even know why he's in jail, let alone where the others went to, that makes no sense. And Celestia would have noticed if he was getting beaten. Not to mention it makes no sense he wouldn't mention it to her if she ever went down, like to say "Why do you keep hurting me, what did I ever do to you"? The more you think about it, the more questions arise.
It is not unreasonable to ask for answers to these questions after so long. The fact you keep down voting my comments for being more than patient after almost twenty chapters and 100,000 words is proof of your own intolerance and irrationality.
4825483
4825393
4825245
4825213
Now, c'mon, lets calm down a bit. Eh?
Now, I understand, the stories pacing seemed a little slow. This is to the current rising action of the plot line. Climbing up a slope, basically. As to the reason it's going on for so long, wothout many answers, is because the story also revolves around one of these answers. What did he do. While other answers will come along sooner, his overall 'deserving' action is the main plot. And, as for the new character's place in this, (lets face it, we all know who that is at this point. I just wanted to keep the plot going onwards with this anyhow. A book author, for instance, doesn't speed things up because people have figured things out.) she will assist in all of this.
She, after all, introduced this concept of Jeremy's so-called death outside of Canterlot. To a pony that can visit Jeremy whenever.
Now, though I don't want to put any spoilers, things are going to answered, of course.
Such as how we'll even more on Halfy, the reasoning for his treatment in the dungeon, why everypony might think of him to be dead. This will be answered.
Though, I have no problem with this commentary asking me to hurry my pace. I understand, and in fact, I'm glad about it.
It means that a person enjoys the story so much, that they really want to see it progress, of only a little faster.
Ergo, don't gang up on newglandee or anything of that format. It's constructive criticism, in my mind, and I see no reason to find insult in that.
Only when they openly attack the other readers, or when they unreasonably attack the story.
Anything else is greatly appreciated. So thank you. :)
I think Jeremy needs to bulk up and turn into F**king Riddick or some other dark/night based or fueled character like Jackie Estacado or Sam Fisher.
As for the chapter aside from our human protagonist needing to made the darkness his ally, I thought it was very d'aww and I really liked how much the other characters care for their mutual friend. I liked how Chrysalis defended herself and did the whole comforting thing. My only real complaint is I think the story needs to move on and get a change of scenery. We've been only been in the Everfree forest (a cave, Zecora's hut and Halfy's house), a Canterlot dungeon (cell and interrogation room) and Celestia's chambers.
Hmmm, some more interesting chapters. And now I've faved the story so I won't lose it until it pops back up in most recent updates! I'm curious as to what's going to happen when the information gets out. A bit slow, and as far as 'what did Jeremy do?' I'm going to assume he's just a threat to the status quo. Ya know, givin' them ponies, or perhaps nonponies, ideas. Better throw him in a hole before they can't be put back into a box! Or in other words, he's a political prisoner. (Much like Nightmare Moon, who hasn't actually committed any known crimes since she was split from original Luna. Since she's half of the original Luna, she actually has the right to an equal share of the crown-authority to new-Luna! Also, a scapegoat.)
As for grammar, the biggest things seem to be using it's in place of its (its is a genitive pronoun, it's is a contraction of it and is/was),
and some confusion on subject/object forms of second person. (Try the sentence with a first or third person pronoun. If you I/he would make sense in the same spot you should use thou/ye, if me/him would make sense you should use thee/you.)
I notably didn't bother putting in corrections where 'you' was used instead of 'ye'. This actually occurred in speech and was what eventually led to 'ye' being dropped completely.
chapter 15
ye -> you
it's -> its
finds -> find
we->us
chapter 16
it's -> its
hast->hath/has
wouldst->would
its
ye are
We have
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
its
misinterpret
thy current
thou art returned
thy stubborn
Chapter 20
Thou choosest
hast thou
We have asked
we shall ask
How darest thou (but that sounds somewhat awkward, so perhaps should stay 'dare thee' or maybe changed to 'dare thou'. Mostly because thee sounds similar to he/she.)
we would believe
Thou hast
certainly hast
thou hast not failed
with thine own
its
sees
pegasus's (although maybe that's just the character's error? It's something a pegasus or well educated pony would get correct, but earth ponies probably wouldn't, and humans ARE, in fact, known to make this mistake often enough :))
Ye have been
have reason (also needs a space after the period at the end)
Wow!
4826094
Fixed it. Thanks for the help there. ;)
I can't handle all teh plot!
Another great chapter, loved how overprotective NMM was here.
He went outside into the sun?
4825528 Your impatience amuses me
I'm supprised no one's bitching about the lack of sex
4829121
If they just rushed headfirst into sex without truly building up any kind of emotional connection, that wouldn't really be satisfying. I respect that the author hasn't immediately gone into a love triangle or threeway just ten chapters in. Though if the idea DID come up, this would raise some questions. Would Chrysalis think he'd find her attractive? Would she want to look like a member of his own species? Would Nightmare Moon be afraid of hurting him?
Plus there's plenty of stories on the site where we could see hardcore porn of those two already. Would it truly be so bad to wait for an actual sexual connection to build? Not just romantic, but genuinely sexual?
Mhm, nice to see what kind of strenghts and weaknesses the three main characters are having (especially in this chapter). Of course this will also add a new layer of interesting things that might happen to what we already have in the form of "The hunt closing in", "Licking your wounds" and "Friendship".
4829267
Whoa clam down there buddy I- oh waityou typed more....
No I would have left the story long ago if it was just strait up clop. I should have said I'm supprised the perv's haven't bitch about the clop scenes not coming up yet.
Oh well...
Celestia will pay!
Nearing 100k words, and I still have no idea why his death was faked, thrown is prison and tortured.
It all seems so pointless.
4841908
ya know, attacking someone for making an obviously sexist joke reveals alot about yourself as a person. you must be very very lonely *comfort*
I was a bit miffed at the rushed beginning, and I think sometimes you have obnoxious padding, especially on the occasions when you have your characters constantly chuckle, but I really am coming to love this story.
While I wish we knew Halfy more, I really like how she functions as a plot device. I was a bit concerned at first because her talent is extremely anvilicious, it's a direct, in-story connection to the "word of god", but I think it works. It shifts the focus from "are these actually good people" to "why did they do what they did", which compounds extremely well with what we know of the antagonist's, Celestia's perspective. It allows the theme of the story to shine through unambiguously:
Good people do bad things for simple reasons.
On a side note, OP, I have a question. Have you played Saya no Uta? Jeremy's affliction, while different than Fuminori's, is functionally similar. It erects a wall between him and normal people, and it pushes him into the company of beings, which most people would see as terrifying monsters.
If you haven't, I highly recommend playing it. It's an extremely unsettling experience, and I think it will give you some good inspiration.
4841973
I was merely illuminating the folly of your apparent perspective. Perhaps if it were not common for people to seriously think like that I wouldn't have questioned your character or the character of your floozies.
4842468
On it!
4842739
Do be warned, it's more of a read than a play, although I specifically said "play" to ensure you experienced the original, visual novel version, not the adapted U.S. comic version.
Also, do be warned, some of the content is extremely disturbing depending on how much weight you give cartoon drawings. It is not a story for the sexually pious.
How have I missed this fic for so long!? This is solid gold!
4858462
Glad you like it. ^~^
I am enjoying this story and I don't mine that it hit 1000 words. It allows for building good back ground for the story. saying that I hope to see a new chapter soon, so Keep up the good work you are doing.
Dragonfox
4824736
PS I am enjoying the story, Diaries of a Madman. I have read it 4 times and I am waiting for the next chapter.
4867047
Good for you.
I on the other hand, have taste and barely got through with my sanity and a very jaded outlook on the state of fanfiction.
Damn, and here I was thinking Jeremy was a zombie.
are people really afraid of the light in real life? is this really a symptom, I'm searching it up on wiki but I can't find anything, I actually want to learn about this
Man i just find this story on Hero Nightmare Moon and i already want to see it as movie well for now i would do many things to get next chapter its too good to wait.
4829668
still waiting and praying though.
4906710 I just watched some R34 on Newgrounds.com with Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon
4906861
I think I know what you're talking about.
4906861 I hate you. I don't have adobe yet!