- Member Since 9th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
Brightlight24
Quite frankly, I'm a simple person who enjoys watching the show from time to time, and an avid reader/writer.
Brightlight24
Joined 9th Jan, 2014 ·
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Not paying his taxes, yeah the princesses don't fuck around when it comes to income tax evasion. That or not being aesthetically pleasing to the eye, in a land of bright pastel colors, the princesses waged a secret genocide against anything not colorful enough.
Obviously he was busted for not applying for a work visa. That, or being an illegal alien.
4001646
4001379
While that is extremely funny(seriously), you have to realize that they can't really be true. \{'-'}/ After all, he had been living in Equestria with no issue at all for over a year, why would Celestia or Luna suddenly decide to get rid of him?
4001678
Again Taxes, he hasn't paid them for that year he had been living there, see no conflict on my idea.
And yeah, I know that's not really the reason, but it'd work if this was a dark comedy. It would explain why Canterlot is so modern and Ponyville doesn't even have paved roads.
4001854
*Thinks to self*
I'm assuming this is going to be a chrysalis x human fic? There aren't enough of those imo....
Every instance of the word "whether" is misspelled. Just an FYI. When people are looking at stories to read, seeing a misspelled word in the title tends to draw negative attention.
4008618
Nice catch. Talk about egg on my face.
4008748 No problem, bro. Happens to the best of us.
You dumbass.
4008767
Pardon? I'm sorry if I misunderstood this, but could you please clarify?
4008887
Not you.
Was talking to the character.
In the middle of a freaking jailbreak and he zones out to look at one of his cellmates.
this story got me really curious.
like and fav
D'awww, they came back for him.
I liked that those tax collectors (calling 'em that til I know why our HIE was in jail in the first place) couldn't break Jeremy. I can only hope that Chrysalis and Nightmare help him recover and exact their revenge on Equestria if not for the them being defeated then at least for the shit conditions of the dungeons and doing acts that break their world's equivalent to the Geneva Conventions.
Here's hoping his revenge is violent and brutal.
But what happens now, hmm?
You have got me seriously intrigued!
Still waiting to learn why he was locked up.
Pretty good series. I just hope you can string everything together nicely. I must ask, what the hell did he do. Eat the royal cake?
Well, it's good to see them bonding, but I'm kind of annoyed by how much leeway he gives these two.
One of them engaged in the corruption of an innocent but jealous young woman and turned her into a monstrous beast that tried to murder her sister and create an eternal night which would have destroyed all the crops, and she also corrupted one of the mane six and committed assault, kidnapping, attempted murder AGAIN, many counts in fact...
And the other one also did kidnapping, assault, attempted murder...possible possible RAPE if things had gotten far enough with Shining, the attempted overthrow of a rightful government and enslavement of an entire race...but no, that doesn't deserve being thrown in a dungeon? What does? Raping your grandma and eating the corpse? Too much leeway, dude.
And seriously. We are now over six chapters in. Why does he not remember why he was put in jail, and why WAS he put into jail? We don't have any clue.
I swear to God, if Celly locked him up because he's human I'm going to flip a table
yay
new chapter
I like the mystery of why Jeremy was in jail. As for this chapter Nightmare Moon was adorable and it's good to know she genuinely cares for him. As for Chrysalis she'll come around...eventually. I like the chemistry that Nightmare and Chrysalis have with each other and Jeremy.
This is a great story. We have sympathetic main protagonists, a great mystery, douche bagish antagonists, a nice general flow and decent grammar. My only major complaint is the slightly confusing perspective changes that occur within the story as the audience has to think for a second about who is speaking.
awesome chapters you are doing a amazing job with your story
4047234
Of course she did.
He's a human and humans are evil, dangerous and disgusting creatures who should be tortured and beaten every day.
This comment goes out to everyone asking about the crime he commited. THAT'S THE FUN PART:D! Honestly, its great to see so many people giving so many speculations as to what exactly may have happened for someone like Jeremy to have been locked up with such infamous criminals. It shows that you guys are genuinly interested in the story, and that's what I love in an audience.
Also.
4047230
Personally, I completely agree with the whole, 'too much leeway' issue, but the reason he's like this is because, unlike the actual citizens, he never went through any of this on his own, plus the fact that he had gotten trapped in the same room with them, it would actually be pretty sensical that he sympathizes with them. Btw, murder and rape? In Equestria, those are the two unspoken crimes that no villain, no matter how evil they were, would purposely do. Not even Discord, God of Chaos, was willing to hurt anyone. Badly that is.
Nonetheless, I'm glad that you enjoy the story enough to give such a viable and well thought through opinion. ^~^
4047234
usually a reason A. He did a crime against pony kind OR B. Celly became Hitler and persecuted the humans
4047733
Well it's okay to keep us guessing...but perhaps you could have him talk more about what his old life was like? What he likes to do when he's not, y'know, being stuck in a prison? Is he musical, does he fish, perhaps he's good at chess, maybe he's a big Nickleback fan. It would help to know a bit more about where he came from so we can know just who he is.
4047883
Ugh...
4047883 or C the guard or upper class ponies ( blueblood) thought him an abomination and framed him for something
4048855
always think with nobles...they cause the most shit
He stole a piece of cake. Celestia's piece of cake
What we have here is an interesting idea. It's a pretty original take on a tired genre, with a focus on a couple characters who don't get much love. That's a GOOD thing.
However...
I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm really not, because you have a good IDEA here, but your execution is rushed, and it feels like you need to slow down a bit and consider where you're going with this.
I get that the major part of the "mystery" is what crime he supposedly committed to get himself thrown in prison. What I don't get is... well, frankly Equestria seems a little OOC here.
Let me explain. I understand that this is an AU, but Alternate Universes have to demonstrate the differences to the reader effectively, and you aren't doing that. I see no real evidence to suggest that Celestia isn't the same as the Celestia from the series, and Celestia isn't exactly the harshest of ponies. There is nothing in the series that suggests that she would condone torture, or cruel and unusual punishment. Her government also doesn't strike me as the kind of place where someone gets incarcerated without knowing what they've supposedly done wrong. I understand we're not talking about American law, and medieval law could be a harsh friggin' thing to endure, but these ponies... they locked a relatively normal dude in with what they believed were the worst of the worst villains in Equestria. After the other two escaped, they then proceeded to systematically torture him for a month, while at the same time starving him. For pretty much no other reason that I can think of other than because beating him passes the time.
Let's be clear here; after a week? It's pretty obvious he doesn't know anything about where they went, or what their plans are. Nobody holds out for long against torture. After a while, you start saying ANYTHING you can to get the pain to stop. Most individuals being water boarded (which while ghastly, doesn't generally do lasting physical damage) start babbling what they think their interrogators want to hear within minutes. The problem with torture is, people will say ANYTHING to stop the pain, tell you anything you want to hear. This dude has been imprisoned for close to four months, undergoing deprivation and systematic abuse. He should be a complete friggin' wreck. After a week or two of this, he should be telling them that HE is Chrysalis AND Nightmare Moon just to get the pain to stop.
In a medieval European culture during the Dark Ages, that's probably pretty much par for the course. During World War II, when civilian casualties in war were considered regrettable, but a sad reality of modern warfare? That sort of crap would get someone held on war crime charges.
So in conclusion, it's an interesting idea, but the torture and deprivation is waaaay too over the top, it actually reaches the level of absurdity. This breaks the readers suspension of disbelief because even though this is tagged alternate universe, there's nothing in the readers perception of the story so far to suggest that it is SO alternate universe that ponies have fundamentality changed from their harmony loving selves to... well, a kind of skeletor version of medieval Europe.
Hell, they allow a reformed DISCORD, who has actually committed more evil against Equestria than Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis COMBINED just kinda wander around free, simply because Fluttershy SAYS it's Ok.
Why does Discord get a slap on the wrist but this poor schmuck who doesn't even know what the hell it is he's supposed to have done gets systematically tortured, starved, and locked away from the daylight? The story is not internally consistent, and that's an issue.
Is it necessary to torture him to get the point across? Not really. Being locked away for a crime you're not sure you even committed, and having dietary requirements your jailors aren't aware of, would put him in the EXACT same position; unjustly locked away, and in poor health, of uncertain sanity, without making the ponies who are locking him up complete amoral fucktards. If you are intending to give him a reason to side with Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon against the regime that locked him up, he's already GOT that without resorting to the sort of over the top "grr I'm evil" stuff we're getting from Celestia and her brood.
TL:DR For a bunch of villains, Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon are actually the LEAST monsterous characters in this story so far, and that's... kind of an issue.
4055422
Wow, that is a damn good comment. Alright, let the explanation begin!
First, the rushing. I myself an see that some elements are... Sketchy, at best. If anything I was in a rush, since I was on a time limit due to some stuff I had to do, but don't worry, I plan on fixing that in the next chapter.
Second, the effects of torture on a person. The ONLY reason he seemed so 'calm' after everything that had happened, was because he already went through that stage of momentary insanity.
'They say that the mind twists and turns to adjust to the horrors of life. Sometimes, yet can split so much that they just snap.'
Jeremy, was at the midpoint of snapping. Suicidal thoughts, homocidal tendencies, and an eerie calm to oneself. Jeremy had only built up a small portion of these symptoms, but luckily, it wasn't too great. As for the guards, lets face it, they knew that Jeremy had nothing for them at this point. As you can probably tell from the text, they were doing this just to screw with him at this point.
Next, alternate universe. So far, the only ones to show indications of an alternative form of acting are the guards, who are usually never this cruel. That's mostly because its so early in the story. As we progress, we will see just how alternate this universe really is.
Finally, Evil. Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon don't really seem to be that cruel for two reasons. One, they have little to no power. Even Nightmare Moon still needs to regain her strength before she can't do anything besides common magic. As for kindness, Nightmare Moon seems to be the only one who truly shows care for Jeremy so far. Reason? Because of her background and who she was part of. In medieval times, if someone were to save or assist another, it was customary to think of them as 'one of their own'. As for Jeremy, he just happened to have shown a lot of his 'noble' qualities to Nightmare Moon during their time in prison, only reinforced by his freeing them. Chrysalis is... Different. She doesnt really care for nobility, or friends, only debts and allies. She repaid her debt for Jeremy after helping him leave the prison, and she has a powerful ally in Nightmare Moon.
Also, I completely agree with the whole discord BS. How in the hell does Discord get excused from all of his crap, which easily topped whatever Nightmare and Chrysalis did combined, just because Fluttershy said its okay!?! Is she like, the god of court cases or something.
'I rule innocent, under Fluttershy's cuteness!'
'Ruling accepted! Innocent!'
Just... What!?!
That's the one part of the show that I never understood. -_- still love it though.
As for the second reason, perhaps the alternate universe thing has something to do with it? After all, I did say that Jeremy had begun to sympathize and be affected by his time with Chrysalis and Nightmare. Who's to say the same didn't happen to them?
Anyways, hopefully that'll at least help you understand why things are going as they are. If not, I'm truly sorry.
I hope you enjoy the readings as they come, nd keep up comments like these. Its constructive criticism like this that I love in my readers.
4056672 I rather like the seemingly evil Equestria and somewhat nice villains. It adds to the 'Brothers Until The End' vibe I'm getting from the three. It also shows that our villains and enemy's have a capacity for having friendships and love.
And be honest, seeing these villainesses interact with Jeremy this way is cute, awesome, adorable, and is something that isn't seen too much. This would be my main reason for reading this.
I for one enjoy the unknown of his crime for being locked up. It causes more of main conflict and I believe it will add to the climax of the story.
In terms of the leeway he give Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon, he could see a bit from their views maybe because of past experiences. It all depends on how the person perceives the action of themselves and others. As I have seen through multiple comments, some people thought Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon to be downright evil. Others might think of the 2 "villains" as simply doing things that would be considered grey; either doing the wrong things for the right reason, or having actions that, while bad, were cause through the negligence of others. I especially stress this with Nightmare Moon as she was the product of other people. Think about it. Try to empathize. You create wonderful art and try your best to be friendly. But everyone ignores you, or worse avoid you. While this is happening your best friend is gaining all this praise from the people who constantly ignore you and possibly degrading you, and you get depressed.
But your friend doesn't do anything. He just ignores your troubles.
This would cause a person to become caustic, would it not?
In terms of Discord, he supposedly ruled in chaos for a while and then Celestia and Luna stopped him. When he later escaped over 1000 years after being imprisoned, why does he do?
He creates a 6 year old dream filled with sugar and candy, and simple imagination. No murder that we know of. The only thing he did "bad" was make ponies annoyed and uncomfortable. It's like a toddler drawing on a wall. You would simply tell h what e did wrong, and send him to the corner with a slap on his wrists, not throw him into a prison.
As for the ponies, I don't really have much to say other than the guards seem a bit cruel (Possible minor AU).
Well, now that I'm done rambling just going to say that this story is wonderful so far.
I'm really not sure why I'm liking this so much, but I can't bring myself to care. Spin your tale, oh mystical author! Seriously though, loving it so far. Very nice! :3
Wow this is actually an awesome concept.
yay it only took 6 chapters but you finally learned his name
Moar!
Naww but seriously awesome story, awesome idea, awesome work!
It would be great if he said something along the lines of "BY CELESTIA'S BEARD! YOU'VE LEARNED MY NAME." Maybe it's just my sleep deprived brain talking though.
Interesting. I'm curious what their plans for the future are. Also, is Nightmare Moon separate from Luna? There isn't enough material to determine how AU this is yet, save for Celestia's pleasant demeanor being an act.
4088677
IKR! XD
4089023
Yes, NM is separate from Luna. And don't worry, everything shall be clear soon enough.
Will they stay in Equestria or locate somewhere else?
A friendly comment
I await the further chapters of this grand tale with baited breath
Awsome fic so far, i shall Watch it!!
4196749 Nah.... there are too many human x NM / luna stories already. We need a good full human x chrysalis for once. And nightmare is at least a thousand years old, I don't really think she would be interested while Chrysalis's actions and personality shows that she is still pretty young.
Was the story supposed to slip into permanent italics partway through, there?