A Dragon's Heart

SeventhBrony

SeventhBrony #1 · Feb 10th, 2014 · · ·

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all in all, pretty good story. could it have been done better? not in one chapter I can tell you that right now

Dragon Blaze-X

Dragon Blaze-X #2 · Feb 10th, 2014 · · ·

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not bad for a one shot

beirirangu

beirirangu #3 · Feb 10th, 2014 · · ·

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not bad, but there are a lot of things that many, including myself, would disagree with in terms of the story, the presentation, and/or the characters...

though for the idea (which is what I read stories for) it was grand

Pencyke

Pencyke #4 · Feb 10th, 2014 · · ·

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What is this I hear about Barbed Wire? From the sound of it he's like a spike from an alternate dimension.

Dartagnen

Dartagnen #5 · Feb 12th, 2014 · · ·

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This was a little fast paced. And there was not that much Mature stuff. A few spelling errors, but that's it. Over all, great story.

KaleStarhorn

KaleStarhorn #6 · Feb 12th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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ah crud pony spike

Christian2400

Christian2400 #7 · Feb 16th, 2014 · · ·

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I liked it, bit fast paced & all that, but a brilliant story that could be expanded if one took the time.
Bit of a goof up that you miss spelled Pinkie Pie, one of the mane 6.

Aura Zero

Aura Zero #8 · Aug 28th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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.............okay! I finished it!

Geez! I'm sorry but that was kinda painful. There were lots of errors, grammar mistakes, random jump locations and scenarios that seemed to pop up more frequently and randomly than Pinkie in a ISpy book. You really need to work on this. Perhaps rereading it will give you a better understanding of what I mean.

There were a few things that I have to point out tho: First, Rainbow Dash's eyes are not pink. They're cerise. That's a closer shade to red. Celestia's eyes are not purple. They are a faded rose color or pink to simplify it. Twilight's mane is not purple. Her fur is, but her mane is a dark navy blue with a strip of brilliant rose and violet. Also the image of her having a white horn confused me but i wont delve into that.

Second is the meetings of the mane five(not including Twilight)......... Those really need work. They were too fast, they seemed to skip some dialogue, and I couldn't picture anything except their appearances(which were actually pretty good and detailed ). More actions need to be shown and also make the dialogue more smooth like a real conversation. Don't skip.

Third is the spacing and the story's point of view and writing format. It's too weird honestly. Maybe its because I'm new to it but I cant get into the writing style. The spacing I could live without to an extent, but the reading was slightly painful to read at times.

Another thing is the romance overall. Well, I cant really say it was romance. True you did say that whenever Sunrunner wanted something, she doesn't hesitate, but, you skipped over any and all the bonding that they could have shared. Basically, you removed the romance. That is honestly what I came here for and I'm sad to say it wasn't delivered.

I will say this tho; this story's premise is great, and with some tweaking, you could really make this a great story. However, by how it looks, it shouldn't be a one-shot. More like a short story.

3 out of 10 for Romance
10 out of 10 for AU
10 out of 10 for Anthro
5 out of 10 for grammar
5 out of 10 for overall story

Needs work but has the potential to be much better!

However........

THIS!

“Pinkie Pie this is Sunrunner. Sunrunner this Pinky Pie, supreme party planner and baker’s assistant.”

Sunrunner this Pinky Pie, supreme party planner and baker’s assistant.

Pinky Pie

NEVER spell her name like that ever again. I will forgive you for now since it only happened once and I surmise it was an accident.... But never again.

Aura Zero