- Member Since 8th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
furryman
A simple anthro kitten writing simple anthro stories.
furryman
Joined 8th Jan, 2014 ·
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Where are the brakes? Wow, man. That story seemed so rushed and it bounced around like flubber on one of its coked up days. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea, but you need to sit back and re-read this thing. A lot of paragraphs were bunched together and made it tough to read. I know little to nothing as to what the characters look like. I'm talking about clothing, since this is a Anthropomorphic style fic.
Speaking of detail, this story had none. I don't know what ANYTHING looked like. As a writer, you need to write for someone who has never seen MLP. It makes the story flow so much smoother. Add in where exactly they went to. Let us know what they ordered for dinner, even if it is rather boring, but writers do it anyway so the story can flow.
I'm trying to help you on this. People will knock you down a peg for something like this and will even down-vote it because the way the story is constructed. Not saying everyone will, but some might.
I hope you will someday come back to this story and do it over again, because in all honesty, and I can get Applejack to back me up on this, it needs work.
Not much to work with I'm afraid, the lack of an actual clop is off-putting despite the sex tag attatched.
Very cute. But there should be a lot more meat for these potatos and A LOT more gravy to go with it I'm sure you know what I mean.
Every time this line came up, I heard Chief Brody in Jaws say "You're gonna need a bigger boat."
Normally I don't comment on clop stories, but...
Fear the Macromancer!
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/320/d/e/nightmare_night___big_mac____macintosh_vector_by_quanno3-d4fws4w.png
HAHAHAHA THIS IS AMAZING IT'S SO FUNNY OMG I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING GOOD JOB
I doubt Celestia's Castle would be a big enough house at this point.
Most excellent fic.
3918926 quite honestly I think the entire town of Canterlot wouldn't fit this family at this rate.
if this continues, there isn't gonna be a town or city big enough to hold this family
And then joins Luna, Celestia, Twilight and Chrysalis. Yup, he's gonna need a bigger house.
Well, I know not many would ever comment on why they disliked this but here's my opinion on your fic.
1. The pacing. This chapter read like a bullet train going full throttle with no brakes. Slow down. There's enough ideas in the content to fill out at least two more chapters.
2. Description. Well, lack of really. Unless all these ponies and Spike are naked, what are they wearing? What did they order for themselves at the restaurant? What were Rarity's orders? Readers shouldn't ask these questions, they should have them answered for them.
3.Paragraphs. Everything looked like a big wall o' text. Break it up a bit to make it easier to read.
Well, that's all I got to say about this chapter. I'm going to gather the second is similar to this due to the word count. Don't be afraid to drag the story out. It makes it more interesting when there's a buildup. I'm not downvoting this though because I don't have a reason to. Yes there are issues but so do a lot of fics. Hell, mine have a good few errors in them. But on that note, I'm not upvoting either. Sorry.
For being a clop-fic it was all rather clopless. It was all off camera. Again the pacing is one major issue. Try using a break when doing the 'going to need a bigger house' bit. By that I mean something like this:
(********)
----------
Or a mashup of symbols. I know a writer who abbreviates his fic's title and uses that as a break.
I am neutral about this story.
I am neutral about this story.
..................
4597071
This way I manage to offend both Rainbowshy and Rainbowjack fans at the same time.
4597303
offend? No, I hate those pairings so much!
Hey! Don't tell them that!
A woman isnt just breasts you know
5162080
This isn't about reality it's about fantasies, sexual fantasies.
One clopfing for it.
This story was like a bullet, once it went, it didn't slow down. Still fun I guess.
I would like it a little bit if it wasn't a 2 chapter story
It's a great story but I'd recommend changing the title to we're gonna need a bigger house
8176412
With how many times spike says that i agree.