Spike's Surprise

randomsurprise #1 · Jan 8th, 2014 · · ·

hmm... although, i don't normally lik one-shots givin t fact that they r too short for my taste ; i found this to be enjoyable read . If u hav anymoar plans for... anythin really then maybe i'll giv u a glance again later

Rubakor

Rubakor #2 · Jan 8th, 2014 · · ·

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Not a bad story but why was Rarity's hair/mane white instead of purple? Also, pregnancy in equines lasts 11 months, not 9.

Bico

Bico #3 · Jan 8th, 2014 · 4 · ·

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Huh. Okay, I think the major thing that needs to be said about this is that most of it reads like a summary of a story and not an actual story. I understand wanting it to be a short one-shot, but you don't do that by trimming out all the actual descriptive stuff, you do it by focusing on one point in time. Also, I have to say the exchange between Spike and Rarity was really weird. So she suddenly accuses Spike of only liking her because she's hot and is upset with this (despite apparently not having a problem with this before) and then she's satisfied when he says oh, no it's because she's going to let him have sex with her. O... kay. I shouldn't even need to explain why that doesn't make sense.

Gavinormous

Gavinormous #4 · Jan 8th, 2014 · · ·

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.......Awkward....

DanvilleBengal

DanvilleBengal #5 · Jan 8th, 2014 · · ·

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Dude, where is that Anchorman "Well That escalated quickly" GIF when you need it?!

But in all seriousness, this thing was on lightspeed, and in this case, lightspeed is not good. There is little to no development, no suspense, nothing that really stands out. It's like this: Spike like Rarity, Rarity mentions that she likes Spike, tells him that she likes him, then almost it seems like a day later, marriage, kids, and the threat of more. Escalated quickly, indeed!! Slow it down!!

I understand that it's short, but I do believe that if you do desire to re-write it, you have to include more detail with it, and basically, make it longer and less chaotic.

Was this your first attempt? If that is the case, it's good for a first draft, but it's also obvious that it is your first one period. Kinda of a cherry-popping fic. Hopefully we can see more from you, and we can get to see what type of style you have. I do hope that you will take those suggestions and comments to heart and use them to improve your work.

DanvilleBengal

DanvilleBengal #6 · Jan 9th, 2014 · · ·

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3754698

First one looks to be a little error in the context, probably looking for Rarity's white coat when the author put in white mane. Second thing is that it appears that since the characters are anthro, they are using human pregnancy of 9 months.

furryman

furryman #7 · Jan 9th, 2014 · · ·

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Actually I did think it was kind of rushed, but I'm afraid that sometimes I come up with ideas and have a hard time building a support structure. Any advice?
Also about the exchange between Rarity and Spike I was trying to come up with a plausible reason why these two characters should love each other. You think my idea was to unbelievable? Do you have a better idea?

furryman