Twilight Sparkle is all filled up on weird lately, and that's even before she ends up in an alternate world where Applejack is Rainbow Dash's girlfriend instead of hers. Set during and just after "Equestria Girls."
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mousapelli
Joined 20th Jan, 2014 ·
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Wow, that was beautiful. The third person present tense took some getting used to (I'm used to third person past, or first person present) but you packed so much emotion into a simple story that it was totally worth it... I loved it. Great job.
It's good. Though I don't think the present tense was the right one. You show a lot of promise and I'm looking forward to seeing what else you write.
3815598
Agreed. One of the few present-tense stories I've read that didn't bother the heck out of me.
This was pretty freakin awesome!
Pretty nice
People / ponies might occasionally think about what would happen if their beloved had ended up with someone else instead, but Twilight here is one of the few who can claim to have seen it, and not just in a dream. I'm with 3815598 on this one. The unusual choice of third person present puts the reader in the action, in the moment, without the complications of first person. You've used it beautifully here - nicely done!
That was a sweet story. Unusual tense but you pulled it off really nicely.
I don't know if I want to have a glimpse into another universe. It could get all kinds of messed up.
very cute twilight X AJ story.
Glad Twi's Aj was able to help her realize that she loved her.
This is cute and very well written. I got a little confused by the pacing but otter then that it was good.
Story is good and cute and had me feel it sometimes a 8/10 from me not perfect but not bad.
dude u need to write the break between scenes, write when characters move and where, to give the story some pacing as if time passes on a regular way, we all seen the movie but u got to write the stuff on it all the same otherwise we dont know where the characters are or what are they doing :-)
Very sweet. Twilight's emotions, her unease at seeing Applejack with someone else, really come through and resonate. A few of the scene changes in the first half could stand to be a little bit clearer, but it's a minor quibble against how well you managed the tone of this piece. Good job.
I find third person present tense really awkward, but this was a pretty interesting story. It's too bad so many people don't like EqG, there's a lot of potential there as you're shown here.
Came here via Esle Ynopemos.
This is just lovely. Like bookplayer, I think the third person present tense suits the story very well. I think both the story concept and execution were wonderful, and I loved how this was interwoven with the actual events of Equestria Girls. I do think the lack of Flash Sentry (or explanation of Twi's apparent crush on him) makes this not quite fit EqG, but that's a minor quibble.
Damn you, now I can't stop thinking about Twi and Pinkie in bed together, with Pinkie just blabbering on about nothing through the whole thing. Good story though.
That was excellent. Hilarious, well written, interesting. I didn't even see EG, but you wrote it in such a way that one doesn't need to. Greenthumbed!
Beautiful. The prose is very pretty, especially in the beginning.
I think the tense works really well, but it could have used some proper scene breaks.
Quality TwiJack? Absolutely! ❤️❤️❤️