- Member Since 23rd Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Feb 28th, 2023
Jack Hooves
I am the very first one , first brony in my family and i am quiet the author and i feel like this is my one and only shot at becoming something of myself as i begin my fan fiction, and stories for all
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I love fall from grace stories.
Just a tip for the title and chapter names: Capitalise everything except 'the', 'and', 'or', 'if', etc. (Insignificant words). Your title would, I done like this, be 'The Rise of the Sacred Stallion.' (First word is alway capitalised, no matter what.)
Ch. 1: Late Nights Make Big Fights
Ch. 4: Meaning Well
Just a tip.
~ Decaf
Okay, I'll tell you up front, the reason I'm reading this story is because you are basically in the same boat as me with appreciation to
your ficall of your fics. (I only have one very generic comment and very few likes) I say this because your description to this story (along with your other two stories) are really short and don't really tell me much about the story aside from the straight up basics of the plot. Every one of them are crossovers, but none of them say what they're crossovers of. Here's a blog post by Wanderer D that is a helping guide for writing crossovers (that's a link if you can't see it). This should cover anything else I might say on the subject of crossovers. I would also suggest looking at the Writing Guide (link) that you are given a link to whenever you start a new story or edit the description page of an existing one. If you feel like putting enough effort into getting up and writing a story, you can put enough effort into reading this, especially since almost anything I say after this can be found in that guide. Now I will go through and tell you what I think as I read the story.Wow, first paragraph is a wall of text. I've seen worse, but that's not the best thing to be hearing either. Wait, oh, gosh is that all one sentence?...nope, it's two...three sentences. You really need to work on your run-on sentences. That last bit in the first paragraph where they accidentally switch the car to neutral should be stretched out a bit more. It reads like a wet noodle rather than a suddenly dramatic moment in the middle of a mundane evening like it should be. (oh, gosh. That sounded a bit harsh). Always make sure you leave a blank line in between paragraphs. Also, since there are so many paragraphs that have little to no indication of being their own paragraphs, I will only consider it a new paragraph if it has an indent or blank line before it.
Paragraph 2: Hmm, Jack Valentine. Not a very pony-like name (then again neither is Briggs, so I guess this is more human than pony). Instead of putting in that bit with the brackets you could just say "the old, bulky, scratched up police scanner". It makes the sentence flow better. Okay, there's no blank lines and no indent, so that means this is all one paragraph when it should be three. The first would end with Briggs turning up the scanner and the second would end with "wide eyes of dismay". The last sentence in this bunch of paragraphs needs to be several sentences if you're going to us that many "and"s. (You would think that the scanner would have mentioned that the suspects were heavily armored)
Paragraph 3: Once again, a paragraph that should be three. Keep in mind that a new paragraph starts whenever a new person starts talking. It's better to have too many paragraphs than not enough.
Paragraph 4: Starting off with a really long run-on. If you have to use more than two "and"s (with only one being the usual amount) then that is a very good sign that you need to break it up into smaller sentences.
Paragraph 5: This should be six separate paragraphs. The first two you have figured out, but need indentation and a blank line. The third paragraph should end where the suspect starts lowering his rifle. The fourth paragraph should end after said suspect gets shot, just before the rest of the gang pile up in the cruiser-turned-get-away-car. The fifth ending you have figured out, you just need indentation and spacing. Okay, so the third, fourth, and fifth paragraphs here are all one sentence when they need to be multiple sentences for each paragraph. After that, the sixth paragraph says "were were" when it should say "were where". once again the paragraph needs to be multiple sentences.
Paragraph 6: Run-ons, needs more commas, run-ons, run-ons. Honestly, I give up here. Let it just be assumed that every paragraph is filled with run-on sentences. You sorely need both an editor and to read through this multiple times looking for errors.
So, I continued reading to rest of the chapter. I don't get what the beeping was from and it took me two paragraphs to realize Everyone Hit the Floor! is a song.
I'm sorry for getting really abrasive on this, but run-on sentences are the bane of my existence unless used for comedic effect (like how Pinkie Pie talks). I didn't intend to be so rude, but I've been spending two-and-a-half hours writing this comment and I had only gotten to the sixth paragraph of the thirteen in this chapter. In other words, I was going way too slow for my taste and it was bugging the heck out of me. Once again, I'm sorry for being rude and I hope that this will help you become a better writer. If you decide to rewrite this after reading the two guides I gave you and fixing the errors I have pointed out, then please send me a message and I'll come back to read the rest of this story along with the other two you have written. Until then, however I will be disliking this story for all of the errors listed above.
P.S. If you are having trouble dealing with not getting any appreciation, there's always this thread post and video (link) to help you out there.
I thank you two for showing me my errors and thank you for it, I am not clearly a author but I do try my best when I am writing and am truly sorry that it is not......at it's best, again I apologize for the inconvenience of my poor writing and hope I can learn a valuable lesson from this mistake.
3926220 You are not rude, and I appreciate your honesty, would you like to be a editor for me since you have so much experience?
3930218 Sorry, but I'll have to decline on that. I'm a very slow writer (due to nervous perfectionism), and if I were to edit your stories I would 1: Basically rewrite the stories for you (Although it needs to be rewritten, I think it would best be done by your hand with help, not done for you), and 2: I would be spending more time than I have doing so. Sorry. I can, however, send you a link to groups like Overly Extensive Editors (the one that I've heard the best things about), Looking for Editors (the most popular), Editors for Struggling Fan Fiction (small group=less competition for editors. maybe), Editors-R-Us, and Proofreaders, Editors, Authors, and Idealists. I wish you luck in finding a good editor, and hope you always keep aspiring to be a better author.
Dear viewers and readers, I the author ask only one thing, If you the audience would please rate and comment what you think about it, what you think is right and wrong in the story, what you feel about the characters, That is my only wish, Thank you. ~ Jason Ynclan Valin
And I'm back to check your progress. Ok, so this time wasn't so painful to read, but I'm really only going to chalk that up to not trying to edit it while reading. So, aside from the indentations, empty lines, and paragraph splitting, I'm really not seeing much of a difference between what it was when I first read through it and what it is now. Now, part of the problem here is akward wording, which I don't blame you for not changing since I didn't go over it last time (that's work for the author and editor alone). A few other tidbits before we get to the main problem. Read the thread I linked in the last line of my first comment if you haven't already. If you aren't getting comments, its because people just don't know what to say. If they write a comment anyways, it would be something meaningless and useless. I have 300 views on my story, and yet only three people (that's including me) have commented on it at all. You still haven't said what this is a crossover of. (I even looked up Jason Valentine and came up with nothing) If you're keeping that a secret until a later point in the story, please don't and just say what it is in the description. You haven't done anything to the park-to-nuetral car scene. You split the first two paragraphs in a weird place. "Tell me wife, I tried." This quote from the 17th paragraph actually made me laugh at the thought of him suddenly bursting out into a Scottish brogue on his death bed. Anyways, the main problem is still all these run-on sentences. I really don't know how to help you with these without pointing out every run-on sentence. However, I can tell you that the biggest amalgamation of run-ons is the scene with the armored villians. Run-ons suck the life out of dramatic scenes and just make it seem like you're just trying to get past that scene as fast as possible. If things are happening really fast, slow down the reader's point of view so that suspense can take hold.
P.S. I really just didn't feel like spacing this out into paragraphs, so don't use this as an example for that.
Does anypony even like the storyline of this story?
4208014 Well, there are some errors but I like it. I'm actually here to see if you would like me to do cover art, however. I'd love to do some art for ya!
4760340 I am interested in your offer mam, but may I see some of your previous artwork?
4771123 Sure. I sent you a link to my deviantart via PM. I have hand-drawn art as well and digitally made art. I personally prefer to create digital art for others because it gives better quality.
4771866 Alrighty mam, you may do it in digital art if you would be so kind, and I really liked your work, what did you have in mind for the cover?
4771988 I will draw whatever you wish for me to draw. What I have in mind, however was to put the main character in a close up with the one he is after in the background. And the story's name will be printed either at the top or bottom of the pic.
Can you please tell me what is the main characters fur color and eye color. There is not description of his fur or eye color in this.
Dawwwww so adorable/evil theis homless mare is (evil because of the use of terminal adorableness to get him to stay) godd show mate jolly good show
4208014 buck yes its going good so far