After years of attempts to trying to separate the two of them, the Foal Protective Services have finally accomplished removing Dinky from Ditzy Doo's custody. Now being taken care of by Carrot Top and her coltfriend Written Script, Dinky is struggling to adjust to her new life which continues to grow worse for her.
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Do the sequel.
SEQUELS PLEASE
The sequel should be "Dinky the Barbarian"
Loved the story. I hope you do a follow-up!
Sequel!!!!!
It really would be better to just continue this storyline here, instead of making an entire sequel story.
3803399
You sir speak wisdom, I agree.
3803788 And I've got the profile picture to represent it.
Ah god my broken heart.
I need the Waaambulance! quick!
I could have sworn I read a story just like this before...
Wow, forty likes already? I am baffled as well as overjoyed. Thank you for reading!
Sequel please?
Seriously, this was good. It showed us just how bad it can be for a child without their true mother, who had known that mother since a small age and had been raised by her.
feels there. poor dinky.
Sequel where they get back together. Get on that, please.
Do it cur.
Very well written. I look forward to your sequel.
*gets up from computer, walks over to resupply locker and pulls out a shotgun and his minigun, removes top hat and monocle and puts on a large pair of sunglasses. "where is this "foal protective services" that dare hurt dinky?"encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQWLx8IxZdSjNJQ0peLBfSNZSw_ylYZVohgkExVeQdtt-glkCDAdA
all hail the srs, always doing their best to accomplish the worst for the kids they are supposed to do all they can to help
Lot of unnecessarily long sentences; there's so many comma splices and semicolons that it makes things needlessly hard to follow. You simply dump in the descriptions of characters for no reason (Written Script in particular) and it is jarring. Most of the story has no bearing on the plot; I can understand wanting to provide some background and context, but Dinky's internal monologue goes on for an unrealistically long time and contains a lot of pointless information.
Further, presenting a government service as a faceless, incompetent boogeyman is not only incredibly shallow and cliche, but it is painfully inaccurate. In real life, Child Protective Services only separates children from their parents as an absolute last resort, and they go to very great lengths to avoid such a severe solution whenever possible.
When they do take such an extreme course of action, they don't just pick a foster family and let it go. There is both a thorough screening process for new parents, and a large support network for both the new parents and the child once they are together. Both the parents and the child need a lot of emotional support and education to get through such a trying time, and CPS knows that.
You are misrepresenting psychiatrists in a similar way. Psychiatry treats mental disorders, yes, but they don't just throw medication at it. They would definitely not start a new round of medication without very careful consideration of the patient, and medication is more of supplement to therapy than a singular treatment. A child psychiatrist in particular would not be so careless with medication, since switching medications too often can damage the body and children's bodies are still developing.
This story feels artificial and contrived, and it demonizes important professions in an attempt to deliver feels. Fear of the government and doctors are certainly common, legitimate fears, and capitalizing on them can lead to very tense, dramatic situations. This story, however, doesn't explore those fears in an intelligent way. I felt more insulted than sad when I was reading it.
Overall, this story felt incredibly sloppy and bland. Very emphatic downvote.
3811340
It is good to know that someone out there can properly criticize my work, I am a novice writer and the only reason this story has gotten so many upvotes is because it tugs on other viewers heartstrings.
As for the Equestrian child services, I am sorry I was unable to put them in a more realistic light. Perhaps in the next fic I will be able to explore them and how they operate.
Not to be cliche, but...
The feels, man. The feels.
reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/raining_david_tennant_nosedrip.gif
Can they do that?!
What I want to see is a Sequel where the child actually learns to enjoy their foster family.
Rather then the cliche Yank away, make the child be a painful brat to new family under the guise of NOT MY FAMILY, new family is either inept or cruel, get back to mother and happy endings except for the foster family.
3813638 srs does it all the time
3813763
Well this really isn't the case considering the foster family isn't inept or cruel--they're seriously trying to help.
Also sequel please!
3811340
I'm sorry, but I must respectfully disagree with every point you made.
First, and foremost is your comment on the grammar. To be frank, I have no idea what you are talking about. I read this story twice just to make sure. Certain parts are somewhat rough, but nothing cringe worthy. Besides, why does the grammar have to be perfect? Most stories I have read (both online, and purchased) never adhere to proper grammar. In fact, some stories may lose some of their impact if grammatical orthodoxy is upheld. As far as I am concerned, if I can derive entertainment from reading without having my eyes bleed the story is fine. This is not to say grammar should not be improved, but no written work should be unjustly crucified for it.
The next point made was to comment on the Child Protective Services. My rebuttal is that to believe anything infallible is foolhardy. I will not bring up politics, but I feel safe in saying that things fall through the cracks sometimes. Even if blaming CPS is considered cliché that does not stop it from being possible. Furthermore, why must this situation be caused by incompetence? Why can't this situation be caused by some crusading, overzealous, CPS agent? One of those that sees everything Derpy does as proof of her being an unfit mother. The point is, do not attack something with how you think the world works. Other options exist that can be just as valid, if not more so.
When it comes to the point about the foster family I must ask so what? The problem seems to revolve less around the family, and more around Dinky herself. She feels that it is right for her to feel this way because she feels she has a legitimate grievance. Which, depending on how the writer goes about it can make any support the foster family might receive ineffective.
Lastly, having the doctor rendered in a bad light is not really not that big a deal. With the doctors that I have been to in my fairly short lifespan, an incompetent doctor has been the rule rather then the exception.
Overall, I find your comment to be a major overreaction with a heavy handed recommendation for practice on just about everything. This story is more within the C+/B- range then anything else. Is criticism good? Yes, but to readily burn work at the stake while citing some grammatical issues and something that does not agree with your world view isn't.
3814687
Which is another major cliche against CPS services.
3814322 I don't mean the whole "take your kid away" I know they do it but I mean"without a legitament reason" and "force you to move away, ruining your career"
3814701
Sorry, that was not the point I was originally trying to get across. Whether or not it is cliché is not the argument. The point I am trying to get across is that to discount something as impossible because of opinion is foolish.
In terms of it being cliché I just shrug. I'm not that big of a stickler about something being cliché, as long as it is done well.
3814687 Opinions are not mutually exclusive; my dislike of the work doesn't impede your enjoyment of it. It is for these reason that I find you ignoring my criticisms because "they are opinions" with your own opinions to be both hypocritical and a little rude.
But as long as we're here, let me respond to each of your arguments point-by-point.
Grammar is incredibly important, because it affects how someone reads a story, and how easy it is to follow. If I have to decode each and every single sentence before reading it, it is obviously going to hamper both my enjoyment and the work's meaning.
Let's take a look at the first sentence for some more specific examples;
Multiple subjects make it hard to tell who is doing what ("Dinky" and "vendors and customers" are both doing separate actions). The "commotion" and the "cacophony" are redundant (they describe the same thing). The "ignoring the commotion" clause is not only tell-y (i.e. readers could infer it themselves), but it adds another descriptor to an already long sentence.
Something like this would be easier to follow;
Obviously there is more information here, and in more words, but you'll notice that it is broken up into more sentences, and none of them have more than one subject or one action. From here it would be easy to segue into more description of the marketplace (and thus the time), and/or into Dinky's near-collision with the cart.
I am not saying that this version is better (or even without its own flaws), but clarity and flow is very important in writing; immersion hinges on it, and it is all too easy to break.
Clearly I'm biased (as my writing style shows), but that doesn't make my complaints any less relevant or reasonable.
My comment on the portrayal of CPS made no mention of their competence, only of the realism (or absence thereof). Of course people are fallible, and of course bureaucracy exacerbates that. But that wasn't my point. My point is that the characterization of CPS is non-existent. If you want to portray an organization as well-intentioned but flawed, please do. If you want to portray them as vindictive but restrained by regulation, fine. But however you portray something, it must be believable. There are no shades of grey or explanations or even vague characterization of CPS in this story; they are just an evil government organization™ and for a story that hinges on their involvement, that is trying to portray a real situation, that lack of explanation is jarring, insensitive, and even crude.
The same is true of Dinky's emotional state. If she's hiding her feelings from her parents, fine. But you have to show that, not just use it as another implicit excuse for why the parents or CPS are failures. This is even worse since children are not good at controlling their emotions, and CPS officials in particular are trained to read them better.
This feeds into my point about the doctor. Yes, there are incompetent doctors. As I mentioned in my original post, fear of and distaste for medical and government personnel are completely legitimate in real life. But this story doesn't treat the doctor in a realistic way, it doesn't even give them the tiniest amount of characterization; it's just one paragraph of "oh and btw her doctor is a callous jerk; isn't that sad?"
So yes, you are absolutely correct that life is full of grey areas and well-intentioned but fallible individuals. This story, however, is too rushed and bland to present these things in a realistic way, and especially not in a way that is sensitive to both sides. You are welcome to your opinion; as above, they are not mutually exclusive. And I am glad that you were able to enjoy the story despite its many sub-par stylistic choices. Assuming that your enjoyment of it invalidates my criticisms, however, is quite fallacious.
And to the author, if you would like me to continue my ramblings in PMs instead of cluttering up your story, I would understand.
I like the underlying themes here, because they can be very powerful, but the execution of this idea was... lacking. Your writing is, at the very least, grammatically correct, but it is still painfully awkward in many places. For example:
For one, that doesn't sound like what a child would say. Two, it doesn't sound like something anyone would say. It's awkward. Something more appropriate would be:
The best way to avoid awkward sentences is to read them out loud. Does it sound like something you or one of your friends would say? Work from there.
3814775 and again, yes
3818617 WTF government?!
I would indeed like to see a sequel to this, my good sir.
3902517 Me, too.
Woah. I'm amazed... This was such a sad and beautiful story. I absolutely loved it. My only reason to complain IS THAT THERE'S NO SEQUEL!!
AH' NEED MOAR!!! 
Pwease?
Truth of MLP.
You can say what you like about Derpy but taking away Dinky from her will destroy them both.
Well it's been 4 years and still no sequel. Shame, I was really interested to see how Dinky will either get her mom back or if she'll just have to cope with never seeing her again.
Giving Dinky prescription meds, for what? Is missing your mom considered a disease?