Only Chapter
Dinky dragged her hooves on the dusty road ignoring the commotion of the market, with vendors and customers both adding their voices making up most of the cacophony.
The little unicorn filly had just gotten out from her late class at school, meaning at this point the market was closing up; the afternoon sun was also on its way to its descent, casting long shadows and giving the sky a slight tinge of red and orange.
Halting in her hoofsteps just in time, Dinky narrowly avoided getting run over by a wagon laden with assorted greens, though the dust from the wheels stung her eyes.
The stallion that had been pulling the cart had not even given her a backward glance and continued on his way. Dinky brushed her messy blond mane with her hoof and looked around at all the adult ponies at the market.
“They all suck,” Dinky thought savagely, “This entire town sucks.”
Normally Dinky wouldn’t be having this foul mood, she was always the happy little filly who always saw the best in everything. But a few months of a custody battle and the Equestria Games changed all of that.
Ditzy Doo was charged with being an unfit mother by inspectors from the Foal Protective Services after nearly two years of trying to prove herself to be a capable parent.
The Doctors finally found a reason to implicate Ditzy as a burden to Dinky’s wellbeing: she was an accident-prone nightmare.
After almost destroying town hall due to a lightning mishap, the Equestrian Family Services were given permission to take Dinky from the custody of Ditzy Doo and given to the care of her unofficial aunt Carrot Top who had recently decided to move in with her coltfriend Written Script; Ditzy Doo, her real mother, had to move in with her cousins and to make sure that daughter and mother would not reunite.
Dinky remembered watching her mother being dragged away by those ponies in white labcoats, crying and thrashing as she tried to reach out to her daughter who just stood at the window like a statue. The ponies in white coats attributed Dinky’s state as shock, and said that eventually she would ‘get over it’ and then handed the reins of parenthood to Aunt Carrot Top and her fiancé Written Script.
The days after that Dinky seemed to be unresponsive to anypony else, being aloof to her new parents was one thing but not answering when called upon or participating in class really hurt her grades.
Carrot Top and Written Script tried counseling Dinky reasoning that she was still traumatized by being separated from her real mother, and would attempt to get her to open up.
All they got from the small filly was a vacant stare.
Even after losing her mother the rest of the fillies in class would hardly show her much sympathy other than Tootsie Flute, one of the few friends Dinky ever made.
Today at school had been especially bad, already souring Dinky’s mood to a new level. The Equestria Games were coming up, and everypony was especially excited since they would be taking place in the recently rediscovered Crystal Empire.
The day had been pretty much like any other day at the Ponyville Schoolhouse until Cherilee made an announcement: the class would get a special visit from Ms. Harshwhinny, the head of the Equestria Games who would announce that as part of tradition, each town or city would handpick a few of its fillies who would participate in the official flag-bearing for their respective hometown for the upcoming games.
Ms. Harshwhinny, along with Rainbow Dash, divided the class into separate teams so as to pick who would represent Ponyville and see whose act was the better.
Dinky was at first confused about this. Shouldn’t all the fillies and colts be able to represent their hometown? Why did it have to be a huge competition?
Nevertheless the class was divided into groups, with Dinky paired up with Archer and Tootsie Flute.
It wasn’t a huge surprise to see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stick together, as those two were as thick as thieves and the biggest bullies in the school. They would always find someway to get an insult in at Dinky and her mom, whom they belittled for being retarded.
Dinky hated that word almost as much as she hated those stuck-up fillies.
So where was Cherilee in all of this? As the teacher of the school Miss Cherilee was supposed to rein in the bad fillies and deal out punishments, but all she ever did was give out stern warnings and talks to any troublemakers and that was it. Tiara and Spoon always came back nastier than ever, it didn’t matter if they were disciplined or not. Maybe Filthy Rich and Regal Cut kept paying off Cherilee to go easy on their daughters, Celestia forbid that they receive any comeuppance.
Then there were the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Now Dinky really didn’t have anything against them, in fact they were even nice to her at times which couldn’t be said for most of the fillies in class. The fact of the matter is that Dinky was jealous for them.
The three were famous, or rather infamous, for their shenanigans in getting their cutie marks that often ended up with multiple counts of property damage. The worst incident had to be when they gave Big Mac and Miss Cherilee Love Poison, which ended up destroying the Carousel Boutique and moving Berry Punch’s house a few blocks in the process.
Yet for every act of mischief the terrible trio seemed to always get off free. Being related to two of the Elements of Harmony got them special privileges; they even got to be flower ponies at the Royal Canterlot Wedding, an event that would have been impossible to get into for ponies outside of Canterlot!
When the teams were chosen to do routines in order to represent Ponyville, Archer and Tootsie Flute wanted to do one based on athleticism. Dinky couldn’t contribute much since she wasn’t really athletic and was a third wheel to the group, not that she didn’t care that much.
Their whole routine consisted of Archer taking up her namesake and shoot arrows at the bullseye that was being levitated by Dinky. Tootsie Flute in the meantime would be throwing horseshoes into the air, which would catch the arrows and hang from their shafts as each of the arrows would hit the bullseye.
It seemed like a great idea at the time, each of the fillies would have a chance to contribute something into the routine, only their was a problem: Dinky had yet to learn exercising her magical stamina.
When their turn came up, all that Archer could shoot were two arrows and Tootsie Flute missed her targets entirely, leaving Dinky to run away from the incoming arrows after losing focus.
Ms. Harshwhinny was the one who was judging their performance, and wasn’t too pleased what they had to show, and jotted down something on her clipboard. Dinky and her two partner’s were not chosen to perform at the Crystal Empire Stadium, and instead had to see off the others who would be able to perform for a massive audience.
She remembered the looks of disappointment on Tootsie Flute and Archer, their ambitions of being at the Crystal Empire crushed. Dinky didn’t even acknowledge the failure. It was as if Equestria had turned its back on her, so why would struggling make any difference.
But what really made her want to grind her tenth were the finalists ending up being the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who would get the all the honor in carrying the torch to the stadium. Once more they had received all the recognition, just like the Element Bearers who got away with everything.
Her frustrations nearing a boiling point, Dinky let out a low growl and made a 180-degree turn to kick out at anything that would help alleviate her bad mood.
Her hoof met the front door of her house.
A few seconds later the door opened revealing a unicorn stallion with a purple mane and a gray coat. It was Written Script.
He winced as he looked down and saw Dinky giving him a cross look, “Oh! Dinky, you’re home early. So . . . how was school today?”
Dinky gave a bored look at the nervous stallion and sighed, squeezing past him as she went inside.
“O – okay, just let me know if you need something!” she heard Script titter, making her eyes role. Way to pick out a parent, Equestrian Family Services.
Trotting up the steps to her room, Dinky threw her saddlebags to the side near her dresser and flopped onto her bed. Letting out a sigh she had been keeping in since walking into the house, Dinky stared up at the ceiling. Unlike her life, the ceiling and her room remained unchanged: a bookshelf with assorted picture books, her filly-sized bed, and hoof-me-down toys piled in a corner.
Turning over to her left side, Dinky stared out of the only window of her bedroom. Through the hazy and dirty glass she could barely make out the other ponies walking by tending to their business, no doubt in a better mood she was in.
There was a tentative knocking on the door, “Dinky, is it okay that I come in? It’s . . . Carrot Top.”
Dinky groaned and buried her head into her pillow, “Come in . . .” her voice muffled. Whether or not Carrot Top heard her or not, the mare came in anyway.
Pushing open the door slowly, the orange-haired carrot grower came into the room with her husband soon-to-be. Looking at each other nervously, the two foster parents edged closer to the side of the bed facing Dinky’s back.
“Dinky, is everything going okay?” Carrot Top was the first to venture the question, being bolder than her fiancé.
“Everything’s fine,” Dinky said abruptly.
Written Script coughed politely. “Ahem – well we heard differently from Cherilee, your teacher? She says you have been more distant lately and have been failing to turn in any of your assignments.”
“Really, so she actually cares?” Dinky let out a bitter laugh, “I’m really surprised since she likes to focus on other ponies besides me.”
Carrot Top and Written Script gave each other worried looks. They never thought Dinky to be snarky.
“Well . . .” Script spoke hesitantly, “Your teacher has given us a report of your behavior in class, and we need to talk about that.”
“Can we . . . just not?” Dinky mumbled.
“Dinky, face us when we’re talking,” Carrot Top finally managed to act stern in response to her foster child’s rude behavior.
“Look dear, maybe this isn’t the best time . . .” Written Script cautioned her, “Maybe we need to let her – “
“No Script,” Carrot Top spoke firmly, “Dinky can’t keep us shut out forever.”
“Watch me,” the young unicorn filly thought grimly.
“Dinky,” Carrot Top, “I know that the last few weeks have been rough, but you can’t keep bottling up your emotions like this. We need to know what is going on at school.”
“Everything is fine,” Dinky was growing more frustrated with her foster parent’s continued presence, “Can you just leave me alone?”
“Not until you tell us what is going on at school,” Carrot Top spoke a little more harshly than intended, causing Written Script to flinch.
“No!” Dinky blurted out as she sat up in her bed. She glared at her foster mom with as much intensity as she could muster.
Carrot Top looked mortified, “Don’t you dare raise your voice to me, young filly!”
“You’re not my mom!” Dinky yelled angrily, “And you and Script will never be family!”
There was silence, with both Written Script and Carrot Top staring at Dinky in bewilderment in contrast to the little filly’s tear-stricken face.
“W-what?” Carrot Top spoke with a soft voice.
Dinky knew she had gone too far but was past caring, “I said the two of you will never be family!”
Carrot Top stared at the little filly unblinking. Written Script was a stiff as one of the statues in the Canterlot gardens. Dinky remained sitting up in her bed staring defiantly at the two older ponies.
Seconds passed before Carrot Top heaved a strangled sob before she stomped out of the room, with Written Script hesitating before giving retreating after his mare.
Dinky felt sick to her stomach, knowing she had just gave her foster parents more incentive to schedule more psychiatric visits. The doctor would always prod her and ask her a bunch of the same old questions from the last visit.
Every time Dinky would give him the same answers, the Doctor would give her a different set of prescribed meds.
Why did she need medicine when she was clearly not sick? Did they think she was like mommy?
Dinky clenched her eyes shut as she tried to stem the tears. No, Mommy was never sick, all she had was ‘strabyssimus’ which made her eyes all funny. She was still a normal pony.
The little filly huffed, thinking back to what Cherilee said back at school after her group’s routine failed, “I know the three of you tried your best, so don’t let that get you down!
Even though the door was closed Dinky could hear the muted sobs of Carrot Top and even hear the soft-spoken Written Script saying something to her. They were either discussing how to deal with Dinky when she came around, or send her somewhere else.
Dinky felt her tears leaking from her eyes and dribbling onto her pillow. She pulled the sheets over her head and before sleep claimed her, one thought ran through her head.
“ ‘You tried your best’ she said. Well, my best was never enough.”
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Do the sequel.
SEQUELS PLEASE
The sequel should be "Dinky the Barbarian"
Loved the story. I hope you do a follow-up!
Sequel!!!!!
It really would be better to just continue this storyline here, instead of making an entire sequel story.
3803399
You sir speak wisdom, I agree.
3803788 And I've got the profile picture to represent it.
Ah god my broken heart.
I need the Waaambulance! quick!
I could have sworn I read a story just like this before...
Wow, forty likes already? I am baffled as well as overjoyed. Thank you for reading!
Sequel please?
Seriously, this was good. It showed us just how bad it can be for a child without their true mother, who had known that mother since a small age and had been raised by her.
feels there. poor dinky.
Sequel where they get back together. Get on that, please.
Do it cur.
Very well written. I look forward to your sequel.
*gets up from computer, walks over to resupply locker and pulls out a shotgun and his minigun, removes top hat and monocle and puts on a large pair of sunglasses. "where is this "foal protective services" that dare hurt dinky?"encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQWLx8IxZdSjNJQ0peLBfSNZSw_ylYZVohgkExVeQdtt-glkCDAdA
all hail the srs, always doing their best to accomplish the worst for the kids they are supposed to do all they can to help
Lot of unnecessarily long sentences; there's so many comma splices and semicolons that it makes things needlessly hard to follow. You simply dump in the descriptions of characters for no reason (Written Script in particular) and it is jarring. Most of the story has no bearing on the plot; I can understand wanting to provide some background and context, but Dinky's internal monologue goes on for an unrealistically long time and contains a lot of pointless information.
Further, presenting a government service as a faceless, incompetent boogeyman is not only incredibly shallow and cliche, but it is painfully inaccurate. In real life, Child Protective Services only separates children from their parents as an absolute last resort, and they go to very great lengths to avoid such a severe solution whenever possible.
When they do take such an extreme course of action, they don't just pick a foster family and let it go. There is both a thorough screening process for new parents, and a large support network for both the new parents and the child once they are together. Both the parents and the child need a lot of emotional support and education to get through such a trying time, and CPS knows that.
You are misrepresenting psychiatrists in a similar way. Psychiatry treats mental disorders, yes, but they don't just throw medication at it. They would definitely not start a new round of medication without very careful consideration of the patient, and medication is more of supplement to therapy than a singular treatment. A child psychiatrist in particular would not be so careless with medication, since switching medications too often can damage the body and children's bodies are still developing.
This story feels artificial and contrived, and it demonizes important professions in an attempt to deliver feels. Fear of the government and doctors are certainly common, legitimate fears, and capitalizing on them can lead to very tense, dramatic situations. This story, however, doesn't explore those fears in an intelligent way. I felt more insulted than sad when I was reading it.
Overall, this story felt incredibly sloppy and bland. Very emphatic downvote.
3811340
It is good to know that someone out there can properly criticize my work, I am a novice writer and the only reason this story has gotten so many upvotes is because it tugs on other viewers heartstrings.
As for the Equestrian child services, I am sorry I was unable to put them in a more realistic light. Perhaps in the next fic I will be able to explore them and how they operate.
Not to be cliche, but...
The feels, man. The feels.
reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/raining_david_tennant_nosedrip.gif
Can they do that?!
What I want to see is a Sequel where the child actually learns to enjoy their foster family.
Rather then the cliche Yank away, make the child be a painful brat to new family under the guise of NOT MY FAMILY, new family is either inept or cruel, get back to mother and happy endings except for the foster family.
3813638 srs does it all the time
3813763
Well this really isn't the case considering the foster family isn't inept or cruel--they're seriously trying to help.
Also sequel please!
3811340
I'm sorry, but I must respectfully disagree with every point you made.
First, and foremost is your comment on the grammar. To be frank, I have no idea what you are talking about. I read this story twice just to make sure. Certain parts are somewhat rough, but nothing cringe worthy. Besides, why does the grammar have to be perfect? Most stories I have read (both online, and purchased) never adhere to proper grammar. In fact, some stories may lose some of their impact if grammatical orthodoxy is upheld. As far as I am concerned, if I can derive entertainment from reading without having my eyes bleed the story is fine. This is not to say grammar should not be improved, but no written work should be unjustly crucified for it.
The next point made was to comment on the Child Protective Services. My rebuttal is that to believe anything infallible is foolhardy. I will not bring up politics, but I feel safe in saying that things fall through the cracks sometimes. Even if blaming CPS is considered cliché that does not stop it from being possible. Furthermore, why must this situation be caused by incompetence? Why can't this situation be caused by some crusading, overzealous, CPS agent? One of those that sees everything Derpy does as proof of her being an unfit mother. The point is, do not attack something with how you think the world works. Other options exist that can be just as valid, if not more so.
When it comes to the point about the foster family I must ask so what? The problem seems to revolve less around the family, and more around Dinky herself. She feels that it is right for her to feel this way because she feels she has a legitimate grievance. Which, depending on how the writer goes about it can make any support the foster family might receive ineffective.
Lastly, having the doctor rendered in a bad light is not really not that big a deal. With the doctors that I have been to in my fairly short lifespan, an incompetent doctor has been the rule rather then the exception.
Overall, I find your comment to be a major overreaction with a heavy handed recommendation for practice on just about everything. This story is more within the C+/B- range then anything else. Is criticism good? Yes, but to readily burn work at the stake while citing some grammatical issues and something that does not agree with your world view isn't.
3814687
Which is another major cliche against CPS services.
3814322 I don't mean the whole "take your kid away" I know they do it but I mean"without a legitament reason" and "force you to move away, ruining your career"
3814701
Sorry, that was not the point I was originally trying to get across. Whether or not it is cliché is not the argument. The point I am trying to get across is that to discount something as impossible because of opinion is foolish.
In terms of it being cliché I just shrug. I'm not that big of a stickler about something being cliché, as long as it is done well.
3814687 Opinions are not mutually exclusive; my dislike of the work doesn't impede your enjoyment of it. It is for these reason that I find you ignoring my criticisms because "they are opinions" with your own opinions to be both hypocritical and a little rude.
But as long as we're here, let me respond to each of your arguments point-by-point.
Grammar is incredibly important, because it affects how someone reads a story, and how easy it is to follow. If I have to decode each and every single sentence before reading it, it is obviously going to hamper both my enjoyment and the work's meaning.
Let's take a look at the first sentence for some more specific examples;
Multiple subjects make it hard to tell who is doing what ("Dinky" and "vendors and customers" are both doing separate actions). The "commotion" and the "cacophony" are redundant (they describe the same thing). The "ignoring the commotion" clause is not only tell-y (i.e. readers could infer it themselves), but it adds another descriptor to an already long sentence.
Something like this would be easier to follow;
Obviously there is more information here, and in more words, but you'll notice that it is broken up into more sentences, and none of them have more than one subject or one action. From here it would be easy to segue into more description of the marketplace (and thus the time), and/or into Dinky's near-collision with the cart.
I am not saying that this version is better (or even without its own flaws), but clarity and flow is very important in writing; immersion hinges on it, and it is all too easy to break.
Clearly I'm biased (as my writing style shows), but that doesn't make my complaints any less relevant or reasonable.
My comment on the portrayal of CPS made no mention of their competence, only of the realism (or absence thereof). Of course people are fallible, and of course bureaucracy exacerbates that. But that wasn't my point. My point is that the characterization of CPS is non-existent. If you want to portray an organization as well-intentioned but flawed, please do. If you want to portray them as vindictive but restrained by regulation, fine. But however you portray something, it must be believable. There are no shades of grey or explanations or even vague characterization of CPS in this story; they are just an evil government organization™ and for a story that hinges on their involvement, that is trying to portray a real situation, that lack of explanation is jarring, insensitive, and even crude.
The same is true of Dinky's emotional state. If she's hiding her feelings from her parents, fine. But you have to show that, not just use it as another implicit excuse for why the parents or CPS are failures. This is even worse since children are not good at controlling their emotions, and CPS officials in particular are trained to read them better.
This feeds into my point about the doctor. Yes, there are incompetent doctors. As I mentioned in my original post, fear of and distaste for medical and government personnel are completely legitimate in real life. But this story doesn't treat the doctor in a realistic way, it doesn't even give them the tiniest amount of characterization; it's just one paragraph of "oh and btw her doctor is a callous jerk; isn't that sad?"
So yes, you are absolutely correct that life is full of grey areas and well-intentioned but fallible individuals. This story, however, is too rushed and bland to present these things in a realistic way, and especially not in a way that is sensitive to both sides. You are welcome to your opinion; as above, they are not mutually exclusive. And I am glad that you were able to enjoy the story despite its many sub-par stylistic choices. Assuming that your enjoyment of it invalidates my criticisms, however, is quite fallacious.
And to the author, if you would like me to continue my ramblings in PMs instead of cluttering up your story, I would understand.
I like the underlying themes here, because they can be very powerful, but the execution of this idea was... lacking. Your writing is, at the very least, grammatically correct, but it is still painfully awkward in many places. For example:
For one, that doesn't sound like what a child would say. Two, it doesn't sound like something anyone would say. It's awkward. Something more appropriate would be:
The best way to avoid awkward sentences is to read them out loud. Does it sound like something you or one of your friends would say? Work from there.
3814775 and again, yes
3818617 WTF government?!
I would indeed like to see a sequel to this, my good sir.
3902517 Me, too.
Woah. I'm amazed... This was such a sad and beautiful story. I absolutely loved it. My only reason to complain IS THAT THERE'S NO SEQUEL!!
AH' NEED MOAR!!! 
Pwease?
Truth of MLP.
You can say what you like about Derpy but taking away Dinky from her will destroy them both.
Well it's been 4 years and still no sequel. Shame, I was really interested to see how Dinky will either get her mom back or if she'll just have to cope with never seeing her again.
Giving Dinky prescription meds, for what? Is missing your mom considered a disease?