• Member Since 13th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Jan 11th, 2017


im 21 going on 15, pony loving, anime loving and fun loving.


Starburst loves her life in Ponyville. She has good friends, a farm to train on, and dreams to achieve. Love never truly crossed her mind, but when her older cousin, best friend and crowned princess of the Crystal Empire, who, though born a pegasus, can't fly, comes to visit her in Ponyville with a request, will the princess of love and true feelings open Star's eyes to whats been in front of her all along? Will she, herself find love? A sweet love story about being true to yourself and not taking no for an answer.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 50 )

Great job with this story. I can't wait to read how these 30 days will play out. Best of luck writing, and typing.

This is pretty good for your first story!:pinkiehappy: Keep up, the good work!

Good story setup so far, and pretty good use of the characters. Tips: proofreader. There are quite a few errors. Also, break up your paragraphs a bit more. Bite sized chunks work better for the reader.

Please tell me this is not another lesbian story

4138460 nope . Though I have nothing against anything of the like, this story's all boy girl.

>>EquestrianRiders thanks. I'll take not of that.

8 likes 4 dislikes...... I'd update soon

This will go in my RiL list.

Yes, that means I will Read it Later. :twilightsmile:

I like where this is going so far. Although, a proofreader or editor would be a good idea for you. I see quite a few mistakes. Also, don't type numbers, spell them out.

4140839 I'd love a proofreader. I've been going through and reading it and seeing some of my own mistakes. I've fixed the ones I spotted, but I'm sure there's some I've missed ^^'

If you haven't gotten a proofreader by Saturday, contact me and I'll do it. I can't do anything till then because I have my fingers full with this little 'One-shot a day' thing I imposed on myself this week.

4140983 Ok, thank you. I will :)

This be pretty awesome!!

Well we see the seeds of romance and now I can't wait to see them start to bloom.

Nice chapter. Where is your DA page. Best of luck with the next chapter. Don't keep us waiting too long.

4190666 http://cemfin.deviantart.com/

The next chapters actually kinda done. I always do them one behind to leave room for myself so I still have something to post in case something comes up. :twilightblush:

Nice fic. I have one small complain, thought - it's sometimes difficult to tell who is speaking.

Ok, I'll try to fix that up.

I was a little skeptical at first, but you've managed to hook me. I look forward to reading the rest of what you've got written during my lesson planning breaks. :twilightsmile:

Luckily, the exercise of the day had done well to fight away her insomnia, she fell asleep for the first time in years, not watching the moon.

I think what you meant was
Luckily the exercise of the day had done well to fight away her insomnia. She soon fell asleep, and for the first time in years she wasn't watching the moon as she drifted off to sleep..
Or something like that.

Other than that, I think it's a good chapter. :twilightsmile:

Nice job with this chapter. Lyla should be glad Annie was asleep or she would have spotted the spell. Great chapter, I can't wait for the next one. If you want to expand the demon dog, go ahead, I thought it would have been a long drawn out villain for the story, I'm glad it wasn't for now.

4235796 yeah, now that you pointed that out it does look odd. I'll probably change it around tomorrow.

You should definitely at least explain the creature a bit. I'm not sure you need a whole to-do about it, but I'm quite curious what it was. I enjoyed the fight scene, and I loved that Lyla used her magic to heal her friends even with the risk of being found out as an alicorn.

4239211 I was kinda goin for that air of mystery around it so the readers know about as much about it as the ponies do. But if it helps here's a pic http://cemfin.deviantart.com/art/Everfree-Demon-446293525

It sounds like the demon dog was some sort of...Hell Hound? Or based off of Hell Hounds? :rainbowderp:

I'm reading Fallout: Equestria right now, too, and just read the part where Little Pip sees a Hell Hound for the first time, so that's exactly what popped into my head, too. :rainbowlaugh:

I just meant at some point in your story. We're all willing to be patient. The story's damn good in general, after all. :twilightsmile:

For Lyra to keep her secret from everyone else, especially Prism, is risky. She should end up betraying/destroying their trust as a friend if she is found out accidentally.

I liked this chapter, and now you have Star looking for who Lyla has a crush on. I can't wait for the next chapter. Best of luck.

I learned how to link! this is my deviantart account. And for those of you following the Del x Star fan paring, you have to hear this ! It's sung by the actor Kilala picked out for Del, and I so see him singing this about Star :fluttercry: Lemme know what you think, and hope ya continue to follow :pinkiehappy:

This is Midnight Rambler to cemfin, transmitting from WRITE's secret headquarters in the frozen north darkest Africa the Ottoman Empire a very secret place.

At any point in a story, a reader might stop and ask a few questions, such as:

- Where does the current scene take place?
- What does that place look like?
- Who is the viewpoint character?
- Which other characters are there with him/her?
- If there's dialogue, who's currently talking?

Unless you're deliberately being mysterious, the answers to these questions should be obvious at all times. "Obvious" doesn't mean "well I did mention that 500 words ago, I can't help it if people don't pay attention"; it means that if a reader would actually stop and ask those questions, he should be able to answer them immediately.

Of course, you don't have to explicitly answer all of these in every paragraph. The reader's imagination can fill in a lot of blanks. Imagination needs input, though, and you're not giving us enough. Take the opening:

Starburst awoke to birds chirping, opening her eyes to be greeted by the morning light. She liked to think of herself as an early bird, after all why waste a perfectly good morning sleeping? The earlier she rose the more training she could complete, so she half brushed her mane and headed out the door to do so.

The morning was her favorite time to practice her flight maneuvers, mostly on weather duty, although, nopony ever asked her to participate, being a princess and all. But she was a pegasus and lived in Ponyville, so she may as well help out. And if it was good training she wouldn’t complain.

You don't give us a clue where in Ponyville Starburst lives, let alone what her home looks like. How are we supposed to picture this?

Most later scenes have the same problem: they take place in a Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue. Put some more words, time and effort into describing the surroundings.

The same goes for characters. In the party scene in the first chapter, you introduce a bunch of them in such a short time that it's hard to keep track of who's who. Their relations to each other and to the Mane Six are left a mystery for too long. Of course, you don't want to stop the story in its tracks to describe someone's family tree – this isn't the Bible – but a little more context wouldn't hurt. I have a sneaking suspicion that you assumed readers would already be familiar with Kilala97's "next generation" thing; if that's true, fine, but then you should mention it in the description.

On top of that, in dialogue, it's often unclear who's speaking. In the second chapter, there are even passages where it's unclear who the viewpoint character is.

Writing fiction is walking a tightrope between over-informing and under-informing your readers. This story is pretty far off to the "under-informing" side. And when you do give us information, you do so in a very bland, forced, beating-us-over-the-head-with-it way:

Lyla was always the perfect child and princess growing up, sweet, polite, smart, Starburst had always thought highly of her. It wasn’t like her to go against her parent's wishes…

Show, don't tell!

On another note, it's blindingly obvious that Starburst is going to end up with Golden Delicious and Lyla is going to end up with Prism Bolt. Whenever either pair of lovebirds appears in a scene, I want to shout "Get a room already, you two!" Romance writing should not be that straightforward. Take some time to build things up; show us why they're attracted to each other and how their relationship develops. There's more to it than just having characters blush and giggle when they're talking to their crush.

The fact that your two main characters are both princesses, and that the story opens by describing what a strong and devoted athlete Starburst is, might set off a few people's Mary Sue alarms. Just sayin'.

And now we get to the mechanical issues: spelling, grammar, punctuation. This story has those issues, and they're serious enough to severely distract and annoy your readers. It's particularly bad in the first two chapters. That fragment about Lyla I just quoted – that fragment alone contains a tense error, a comma splice and a misplaced apostrophe. I've picked out some recurring errors, with examples:

“You too, but unfortunately I wont be able to stay long.”

“Mm, well, ma said we need more clouds brought in since the suns getting hotter.”

Contractions need apostrophes: I won't be able to stay long; the sun's getting hotter.

There was no way she’d ever notice the stallions feelings for her, especially when he hid them so well.

Possessive forms need apostrophes, too: the stallion's feelings.

She helped as best she could, but she couldn’t hardly feel her legs…

This is something you do throughout the story: "not hardly". It's wrong. Drop the "not": She could hardly feel her legs.

“Yep. She wanted ta work out her legs.” He explained rather plainly, still walking with Starburst…

Dialogue punctuation is another issue. Dialogue followed by a tag ("he said", "she said", "he explained", "she suggested" etc) should never end with a full stop, and the tag itself shouldn't be capitalised. So the correct way would be:

"Yep. She wanted ta work out her legs," he explained rather plainly.

See this section of the Writing Guide for a longer look at dialogue punctuation.

As pathetic of flier she was, he was equally pathetic of liar.

...oh, come on. This is a story, not a Polandball comic.

So, there are many issues to work on here: too sparse information about setting and characters, and way too obvious romantic plotlines. I'd advise you to work on your grammar first, though; good grammar is a boundary condition for writing an enjoyable story.

Signing off,

MidnightRambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman

4290078 I do see a lot of the points you have. The place descriptions is something I tend to overlook, and the romance thing, well, it's kind of supposed to be like that right now. They'll go more into what they like about the other later when the feelings become more serious.
Thank you very much for your input, it will be taken to heart. :twilightsmile:

Awesome work on this! Just maybe a few corrections?

She liked to think of herself as an early bird, after all why waste a perfectly good morning sleeping? asleep?

First paragraphs should really make the reader ( or reviewer ) to want to read on. Errors that occur in the first paragraph is not really making a good first impression for you story. Making the reader think that the entire story could be full of errors.

'I wonder if Dels Dels' or Del's busy?" She hoped so she asked herself.

Sometimes speech can be muddled up, but if you know the grammar correctly you might be in for some good stuff.

Just a heads up, I don't wanna do the entire story because I'm not that kind of person. :pinkiehappy:

But I do have a few tips for you.

1. If you didn't have a proofreader, I suggest you get one.
2. Be prepared for things like this, you will get negative criticism from people.

So yeh, happy writing!

4298253 Gosh, everyone's making such good points, I knew the first two chapters weren't very good, but now m thinking I need to go back and re do them.
Thank you very much for your review, it was very helpful.

Lyla has a crush, but Star is thinking about the wrong stallion. I hope something will help star realize that she has a crush on Del.

4305614 me thinks she's gonna be blissfully unaware until some pony tells it to her straight up to her face.

I like it a lot! I'd like it about ten bajillion times more with more adorable Starburst/Del fluff, though. :scootangel:

I ship Del and Star sooooo much.
And I like it, keep up the good work :pinkiehappy:

Nice job with the romance in this chapter. I loved it. I am sad you are taking a break, but I understand. I hope you don't keep us waiting too long though. I do love reading this story.

Comment posted by Sebastate deleted Oct 27th, 2014

It's been eating me for the entire story so far. Is Twilight an alicorn in this? I feel like she is, but I need to know for sure.

"Shed seen him pull it stuffed" shouldn't be be 'she'd seen him pull it', I noticed some other typos but that one's the most glaring. Also isn't Lyla her cousin as well as her best friend? I think you should have pointed that out as well.

There so many typos in this chapter, I noticed quite a few in the earlier ones too (and I'm sure there are some pretty bad ones in the later chapters). I'm just going to say it as nicely as possible, get a proofreader for your future chapters and projects and go over everything you have posted with a trusted friend (preferably one that's good with English) and fix all your little hiccups. I was half way through the chapter when the typos got so bad I just couldn't stand it. I'm not trying to be mean, I really was enjoying the story up to that point and honestly would like to continue reading it but with all the typos you need to be more vigilant and have a fresh set of eyes look at your work before hitting post. You need to be aware of the There, Their, and They're rule. Also saying saying things like Lylas indicates there are more than one and saying it like Lyla's indicates something belonging to the character, don't feel to bad I've seen the same problem and some similar problems in a few professionally written works but you still have to be aware of the rules. Talk to an English teacher if you still need some help with your writing or your friend wasn't as helpful as you were hoping in fixing the errors of what you've got written up. Still like the story, just want to be able to get back in the swing of it. Everyone has a typo and error limit per chapter or story they're willing to tolerate before they stop, and I hit mine a minute or two ago. You need to be aware of the fact that that after you reach a certain point with your errors they can take the reader out of the story, the only time it is highly acceptable is if you a deliberately misspelling something to illustrate a point with a character (whether they are unfamiliar with the language or rather dumb, etc.)

Also it looks like your deviant art page is down, I get a message that says it's been taken down or suspended when I try to connect to your deviant art page.

I enjoy this. I can't wait for you to continue, but I understand you're taking a break.

*Cries because you may never continue this story* :raritycry:

Well be fine

I think you meant "We'll be fine" the chapters have quite a few little hiccups like this, and if I spent time looking for them all I wouldn't be able to enjoy the story (I am enjoying the story by the way). So look through all of your posted chapter (for all your stories and not just this one) and see if you can spot any mistakes, also have someone look through your posted works doing the same (and look into getting a proofreader).

What an amazing story, you sir have a 10/10 score! I look forward to future updates and hope the next one is soon! :eeyup:

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