Midnight Snack

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Comments ( 11 )

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Manes

Manes #1 · Jan 14th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Where the fuck you been, gonzo?

mindlessgonzo

mindlessgonzo #2 · Jan 14th, 2014 · 1 · ·

3784611 I was just taking time with certain films and stuff.

Maud Pie

Maud Pie #3 · Jan 14th, 2014 · 3 · 4 ·

aid of Fluttershy's stare did it's magic

Improper use of "it's". You want the possessive "its", not the abbreviation.

It was an amazing sight that never tires Applejack.

Shifted from past tense to present tense.

She became excited, and delivered a high kick to the trunk of a nearby treat to reap the rewards...

No need for a comma there, and I'm pretty sure AJ wanted to kick a tree, not a treat.

drained of it's fruit and juices. Applejack picked up the fruit and saw two small marks on it's side.

Wrong "it's" used twice in a row.

Daylight in full bloom, all the remaining 5 friends gathered to the farm as quickly as possible.

Much as we would all like to pretend Spike at Your Service never happened, it did. And even if it didn't, it would be pretty fucking cold to pretend Spike is nobody's friend. It also pulls the reader out a little when you punch a number rather than typing the word five.

Daylight in full bloom, [Applejack's five pony] friends [had] gathered to the farm as quickly as possible.

Either way, that's where I stopped reading and hit the dislike button.

mindlessgonzo

mindlessgonzo #4 · Jan 14th, 2014 · 2 · ·

3785023 Thank you for your insights. Correcting now!
And yikes, don't have to be a douche about it.

TheAlmightySage

TheAlmightySage #5 · Jan 14th, 2014 · 1 · ·

That cover art!

Maud Pie

Maud Pie #6 · Jan 14th, 2014 · 1 · 1 ·

3785080 Sorry if my comment sounded dismissive or hostile. I'm just really sick and tired of this fandom pretending he isn't part of the mane six (a bullshit term), and I have zero interest in a story that views him that way.

mindlessgonzo

mindlessgonzo #7 · Jan 15th, 2014 · 1 · ·

3787714 Honestly, this was kinda rushed and forgot a lot of things. Hence why later on, I wrote in that Spike was looking up the spell while they were trying to trap Flutterbat.

Renegade Thunder