• Member Since 9th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen July 29th

Ponyess


I just recently started to write stories directly towards the FiM actively, though I have been writing for years, publishing numerous stories at Mibba and the eventual pony story, as far as to the MLP

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Twilight had been planning something for weeks, it had been kept secret to most of the ponies, short of her very closest friends.

She finally had announced a meeting, just the day before, and everyone came, curiosity was apparently killing this particular cat.

If something had been amiss, had it been a leader, clearly seen in the public eye?

This isn't an actual Crossover, but a Play performed by Ponies, based on a real life event from the darker past.

All parts are played by the ponies close to Twilight, yet best suited to play the respective parts.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 18 )

Sorry about the sad shape of the original description, I hope I fixed it.

If there is anything more I've missed, please let me know.

...What? The whole point of this story is lost on me. I can't make out the plot of it to save my flank.

These are the point I grasped:
- Vinyl Scratch supplied 'Wubs'.
- Octavia's music freaks ponies out.
- Nopony understands Zecora.
- Fluttershy is Flutterguy, once again.
- Rainbow-Dash is making a scary lightning barrier.
- Pinkie Pie has an evil smile, and has her cannon loaded... with a muzzle?
- Nopony realizes that Apple Jack's presence signifies anything important.
- The royalty of Equestria is ignorant.
- And Twilight Sparkle is maniacally manipulative (no surprise there).

What I don't get is how these come together to create a story.

3919055 these would be the basic events of the story.

mean speakers does do for a much better scene.
as to Octavia, I guess film music for 'Scary Movie' is the idea behind it.
Zecora always is sounding cryptic, at least to me.
The Flutterguy did make for an interesting ellement, if for Commedy, or Dark.
Mst would be scared by lightning, and Dash is the best weather pony in the first place. just as she would stick by her friends.
Maybe most ponies of the village didn't actually see her from the perspective invoked?
If the Royalties are commonly out of sight, but keeping them out on a situation, where they may have been expected highlights a darkness, or I had intended it to.
She does have the flair for planning and magic in general, so it felt as it was the crowning point to the scene.

3919303 Oh. Ok. You may want to change the status of the story back to 'Incomplete', if you intend to add more to it (which I strongly suggest).

Cheers mate,
Alaester Nikolai Modern.

3919331 it was iontended as a 'One-Shot', in which sense it is complete, doesn't say it is 'Finished'.
I can still adjust details wihin, or even add a few elemens to further the plot.(story)

3919343 I see. But there is one other thing I'd advise; please don't take this the wrong way, but you really need an editor. This story has potential, but currently the readability is very low. If you had an editor, they could help you restructure the wording, punctuation, and grammar. I say this because I understand that, having written the story and already knowing what all the parts of the story mean, you don't see the grammatical and punctuation errors (there are quite a lot for a story of this length). I not saying this to be cruel, nor am I trying to be offensive. I think you should start a post saying "Editor Wanted", as there are many on this site. Good luck to you, and may your story be successful.

Cheers mate,
Alaester Nikolai Modern.

3919582 I tried to find an Editor before I got it past the mod, I guess it is easier once it passed.
I hope o find an editor for this story, just as with the rest of the stories, I only have two in editing right now.
I managed to get it to this level by use of an external spell chack, but that never replaces an actual editor?
It can't be perfect this early on, some restructuring would help, just need some help pointing out how and where it would make the most good.

At least you're taking the time, writing constructive answers, which is what I ned and appreciate.

3919720 I can only ever be honest. Like I said before, I think if make a post declaring that you require an editor, one will reveal themselves. Put yourself out there, and good things can happen.

Also, some writing tips for you. First, put more time into each story, make them longer, both chapter length and number of chapters; people like stories they have time to get into. I see you only just joined 2 months ago, and you already have 27 stories! I mean, you're averaging a new story every 2.3 days, not counting individual chapters. As a practice exercise. try making a new standalone story that you spend at least two days *per chapter*, and pick a random number between 5 and 15, and let the story have that many chapters at least. I bet you'll come up with an amazing story that many people will enjoy. But have it proofread first, though.

Secondly, and this one is very important: Don't leave a story hanging! Cliffhangers are the worst, especially when people never continue the story! So I'd recommend not doing that.

I hope you find these tips useful.

Cheers mate,
Alaester Nikolai Modern.

3920065 There, the 'Request' is up at the 'Editors Group'
I hope I included exactly what's going to attract the Editor, but who knows?

I do have a problem to make chapters longer, if I'm missing interesting details, or the chapter just can't be longer is up to the reader to say.
I hope I'll manage to stay excited and inspired by the story to keep it growing. for now my longest story on side is some 16,000 words. It is one out of three parametres I'm marketing the stories at my page by, and the one easiest for me to control, since it is only my writing input measured.
The Majority of them are new for the site too.
5 to 15 chapters, that shouldn't be all that hard, aside from this story, both my completed stories are 6 chapters each.
Incidentally, the most popular story has it.

I never intentionally leave the story, it's just that the next story tends to grab my attention, pariculasrly if I feel the old story wasn't appreciated.
I have a few extended stories that feels pretty active. I may consider looking for someone to help me bridging the gaps for stories if they feel as if they hit a 'Dead End', in order not to leave them hanging too long.

How long can a story wait, untill it make you call it a 'Cliff Hanger'?

I'll have a thew things to conserer and think over, so it should be usefull.

Thanks.

ok i guess...i don't get it at all. and you made quite a few mistakes in it. the sentences didn't make sense and you put "?" were they shouldn't be.:rainbowhuh:

Here's constructive criticism for you. You don't know how to write. I'm not sugarcoating it. Now, that's not bad thing. You just haven't learned. For example, you don't know what proper sentence is. A sentence needs a subject and a predicate. You need an action and a person.

Ex. Twilight walked down to the store.

Twilight is the subject and walked is the predicate, or the action. Also, when someone owns something they need an apostrophe -s after the word and before the object. To phrase it better, you need to show that someone is owning something by adding apostrophe -s to the subject's name.

Ex. Twilight's quill kept breaking.

Twilight is the subject and that is her quill. It's her quill, so you add 's to show that. Now you know that it's hers. Next, you need to know about plural nouns and singular nouns. When the subject is a singular noun and they did something, you must use the correct term.

Ex. (singular) I was walking to the store.
(plural) We were walking to the store.

You use were for the past activity of more than one person. You use was when referring to the past activity of one person. Now, we need to cover tenses. When writing a story, you must stick to one tense. Here's an example:

Ex. I saw a dog. I thought she was cute, so I bought her. I then went to the pet store and bought some dog toys. She loved them.

I only used past tense words throughout my whole short paragraph. You kept changing. This is what yours might look like:

Ex. I see a dog. I think she is cute, so I bought her. I then went to the per story and bought some dog toys. She loves them.

You kept changing from the present to the past. Another thing to cover is that you swapped the point of view of the story multiple times. In a story, you stick with one person style. First person: I see a mug. Second person: You see a mug. Third person: He sees a mug. You have to stick with one and keep using it. It's either from your perspective, from the audience's or from a character's.

Also,your plot has absolutely nothing. You tell the the whole story without telling us anything. We have no idea what happened. You kept jumping around. First, you talk about Zecora and then Twilight's evil! You need to show, not tell. Write about the evil things Twilight did and why. Explain how these things happened. Why is Applejack small again? Why do you mention Zecora and then just cut her out of the story?

There's really nothing to this story other than some ideas. You need to elaborate and really tell us what's going on! I had a hard time editing this story because many lines made so little sense that I didn't know how to fix them! You have potential, but you haven't really used any of it here. What you need to do is go online and study English. Learn about grammar and how it works so that you get a better understanding. Then, read the Writing Guide here on FimFiction. It will teach you about proper storytelling. Finally, read some stories on here, but only ones from Twilight's library. Only the best are accepted there. You must read the stories from any category other than incoming. Learn from those to get tips on style, grammar, technique and structure.

Best of luck to you, dude!

3777758

Twilight had been planning something for weeks, it had been kept secret to most of the ponies, short of her very closest friends.

She finally had announced a meting, just the day before, and everyone came, curiosity was apparently killing this particular cat.

If something had been amiss, had it been a leader, clearly seen in the public eye?

*meeting

Honestly, there are some people that should not just write and I agree with 3936268 in that aspect.

4141501 ok, that's the 'meeting' fixed.

this is exactly why I asked for help with the story.
weeding out these things.

I'm looking for an Editor to help me with these problems.

4671036 Thanks for the suggestion, I guss i could make a re-Newed effort in getting an Editor for the story.


This critique provided via your solicitation to Professional Editorial Reviews. You asked for it.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh hell.

I can't tell if this is just really bad or an attempt at some Lewis Carroll level abstract poem. I almost don't feel qualified to review this without a Ph.D in psychology. Non-standard sentence construction is one thing, but damn. I don't think this was deliberate.

First, I have to ask a serious question. Is English your first language (also, I would inquire as to your age)? This reads like something translated from a Slavic dialect. Nothing wrong with that. Nabokov wrote his best works in English. Joseph Conrad and Anchee Min also come to mind. If that's the case, stop now and go study English. If not... go study English.

Okay, okay. That was a little harsh.

You obviously need some help, and I would be remiss, by the sacred code of editors, in not providing it.

I had strong trepidation within the first three seconds, starting with the colon. That colon piqued my suspicions. I didn't trust that colon. The Scene: <---- right there. That guy.

That set the precedent for punctuation handling throughout, which was, at best, haphazard. Periods separate sentences, which should delineate a fully formed idea (a complete action or thought). Commas tell the reader to pause, to manage how much information the reader is processing at once, and manipulate how they digest the idea presented in the sentence. Think about how the human mind processes information. Think about the effect presentation has on perception. Marry the two. For any further information on the subject, please reference an English textbook.

On to the examples.

done a beautiful job at it.

-a beautiful job of it

her masterly put up scene.

-masterfully

Now, notes from Octavia were heard, earily,

Earily – in an ear-like manner
I think the word you're looking for is “eerily”

she still did call her friends.

-she still called her friends
*Use auxiliary verbs purposefully. This is sloppy.

Not even Nightmare Night was coming close?

-I don't know. You tell me, Yoda.
*Not even Nightmare Night, which was close.
*Not even the impending and rapidly nearing Nightmare Night.
*etc.

The ponies who had been the heroes, in countless events.

-Why the comma? Why should the reader pause there?

Planning is after all what she did best, only second to the creativity of her ample supply of magic.

-Her ample supply of magic lacks sentience, and thus cannot, in and of itself, be creative.

who had commandeered them, is anypony's guess?

-This was not a question.
*Nopony could be exactly certain who had commandeered the royal guard detail, but the list was damn near singular.

Okay, I'm going to take a crack at re-writing a paragraph. I'll go for “foreboding”.

There was a clear line of scorched earth, marking a no ponies land between the scene and the crowd, there were no iron fences needed, no guards required, and no pony was brave enough to move closer.  Had there been an initial incident, you fear the body would have been left in place in order to instil the desired feet, or would the guard standing closest pull the poor pony out of site, what little was to remain of her?

-Ponyville may as well have been divided by a fence. Nopony would cross the long, unnervingly straight burn that bisected the square as if some immense cartographer, looking down on the town as if it were on a map, had simply lined it out. That burn delineated everything. Delineated safe from not safe. Ponies knew that if something happened on the other side of that line, that might be it. That might be where their body stayed.

I'm stopping there. Honestly, not trying to be mean, but this story requires a full re-write to make sense. I think it's supposed to be second person, but I can't be sure. There are almost no action verbs. Everything is an “is” or a “was” (someone already commented on the fluctuating tense), which denotes that something is simply there. It renders all action into pastiche. Use direct and meaningful verbs. Make action happen.

If I edited this, I would line out the entire page.

You want to get the ideas in your head into someone else's, right? To show them that a small, dedicated few can overcome sickening odds? Right? About the million beautiful little accidents, the crooked smiles of children, the noontime miracles where the faulted bonds of emotional chemistry, for a few seconds, explode into a dazzling reaction? How the ones we love go away, or the hearts we want go home with someone else; sometimes for a short time, sometimes forever; and it hurts, but the love itself doesn't go away, and it all gets better (or maybe it eats us, like rust on an old bridge, until we fall)? Right? Right!?

So, why should I care about this story? What happens here that would stir me?

How are you going to tell that to me in a way that rushes the blood to my head then sends it back to my ticker?

-Think up a story worth sharing,
-Formulate a mentally engaging way to present these concepts: the underlying theme(s).
-Make or choose characters that help convey this message.
-Flesh out those characters beyond simple devices into something readers can relate to.
-Have the characters progress through meaningful challenges and relationships in ways consistent with the theme.
-Keep the ball rolling.

When you figure that out, get back to me. I'm moving all the stories you submitted into the red stamp folder until then.

I honestly, truly, hope this helped.

:twilightsmile:

5132861 What if I said you weren't too far off, with this point? Although you may consider a look into history of contemporary Europe? Aside from the clip on Youtube where ponies reinacted Pokemon?

Since you asked, yes, it is my second language. Since you made the point, I did study Russian and a certain Isaac Asimov was a very good Author back in his days.

Yes, I know I do, which is why I asked in the first place.

If you refer to a colon at the end of a title, I used it to denote which compute the story file was stored at, maybe not the best of reasons, but when you have more than two computers at hand, it does become a problem.

Not to make excuses, but it is an early story and a one-shot, which I stopped doing due to the lacking result with this one.

Even if the snipet is short to the point of out of contest, I am looking into these and will make adjustments as I see a better alternative than the original.

You have to consider comparisons other then the location and time here. How about comparing the represented events, how scary they were? At least we know when Nightmare Night is, if you put it into a calendar perspective. It is your Halloween, you know.

There are currently four Princesses. Then we have both Discord and Queen Chrysalis who could have pulled that part. Not counting yet unknown characters not previously seen. Not to say I could have worded the statement better.

Would you consider phrasing what it meant in a correct manner?

I think you are looking from the wrong side of the fence here, just because Twilight was the hero before, doesn't mean she is it in this case.

Doesn't Narrative commonly count as third person? Even if I commonly use it as first person.

In all fairness, have you read any of my other stories to get a solid base-line of my writing?

As to this one story, do you think I could have made more out of it in a clearly defined 'First Person'ä pe4rspective?

Would the story be easier to follow, if it had been divided into chapters?

If popularity or views are aanything to go by, check one of the more popular stories and compare it with this.

Even if I have a few old stories published later, the image seems clear, the better stories are commonly published on the later half of the year.

5133483

Are you typing this in English or feeding it through translation software? It's like talking to a copy of English As She Is Spoke.

How about comparing the represented events, how scary they were?

-I couldn't tell what was happening. At all. It didn't even make sense. I was talking about the mechanics of how you put words together. It's nonsensical.

just because Twilight was the hero before, doesn't mean she is it in this case.

-That's fine. Establish it through villainous actions, dialog, and intent. All we get is her standing around being "the great leader we never knew we had", which is a ridiculously ambiguous statement.

Doesn't Narrative commonly count as third person?

-"Narrative" is synonymous with "story", and denotes no particular perspective.

In all fairness, have you read any of my other stories to get a solid base-line of my writing?

-Yes.

As to this one story, do you think I could have made more out of it in a clearly defined 'First Person'ä pe4rspective?

-I think you could have made more out of it with a clearly defined perspective of any kind. For now, go with third. When you can write a convincing story in third-person, try something else.

Would the story be easier to follow, if it had been divided into chapters?

-No.

Even if I have a few old stories published later, the image seems clear, the better stories are commonly published on the later half of the year.

-Irrelevant. No one is going to read an unintelligible story.

However, knowing English isn't your first language changes the picture. What you need is a translator.

What's your first language? Polish? German? Romanian?

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