The fashionista completed her fashion orders for the day and now she is going to take a vacation, but the vacation comes with a price. Rarity stays in the local hotel of the glamorous city after finishing her orders to unwind and relax, until a modeling mare that she has never met before when she met Fancy Pants in the same city that they're in.
These two haven't properly introduced each other yet, but they're willing to get to know each other so that they can make this vacation worth while. Unfortunately, a snow storm traps the two beautiful mares in a hotel room together so it's better now than never to get acquainted.
Chapters (4)
This is two stories about Rarity and Fleur in the past few hours, when normally there's none. Huh.
Anyway, I'll post some commentary on this after I read it, but I did throw it in a number of groups, because Fleur could always use more love.
Interesting, I'll follow, though I'm not seeing enough to draw an opinion yet.
3759629 Take your time, thanks for putting my story in some groups!
Okay! Here goes my first attempt at giving writing advice on this website since the publishing of my first story here.
Well, there are three points I'd like to address, the first two concerning writing in general and the third more focused on the content here.
Firstly, comma placement.
There's a little saturation here, but we'll get to that in point two. In this sentence the comma is entirely unneeded, but I'd suggest using a comma and avoiding "because" in this sentence. With a different transition word a comma makes grammatical sense and divides the lengthy sentence like so: "It was very rare for the paparazzi to get pictures of her, as she was difficult to get a hold of." I'm not sure why it would be hard to snap pictures of her on the red carpet, but this is just a dream so I'll move on.
In this example the comma is unnecessary and the word use is excellent. The only change I'd recommend is the removal of the comma. There are plenty of examples of correctly used commas as well, so it's obviously not a huge problem. This is just a heads up so you can look out for it more closely in the future.
Point two is literary saturation. It's a good idea to try to use synonyms rather than repeated words within a sentence, and masterful paragraphs will live up to this same standard. There are particular exceptions, such as conjunctions, pronouns, interjections, and prepositions; however, variance even in those groups, while typically more limited, is still fun to play around with.
Rarity already looked up at "the exotic drinks," so why not use "all of the alcoholic beverages that…" later in the sentence? Perhaps some other synonym? These are minor criticisms that could only be given to an author on the right track.
About the content, I was wondering why this hotel would have such crummy floors as to allow Rarity to fall through three stories of building just by standing in her room. What material is this hotel built with? Paper?
I'm intrigued and would like to see where this story goes. I hope my nitpicks don't sound too preachy, for I despise such a metaphysical timbre.
3785983 Thanks for the advice, I just hope I don't mess up.
I know how writer's block feels, you have an awesome idea in your head, but when you get to the computer, you can't write a sentence to save your life. (speaking from personal experience)
3846364 That's what's going on right now, it is really hard for me to even think of anything to write.
3846387 well don't worry, something will come, just give it time, in the mean time, I'll follow your story to see where it goes from here. I've still got a lot of planning to do on my story myself.
3846411 Thanks, that means a lot.
I just don't want to disappoint anyone who follows this story.
3846417 It's fine so far, a bit jumpy in places, like Idk if they'd allow a room for sale in such a bad state of repair, but I feel it's going somewhere, my problem is while I'm writing AESoC, I keep having hype ideas for other stories, and can't think of stuff for that
3846445 Yeah, my first mistake was the Rarity's room breaking down.
3846451 Yeah, although I get a feel of the show from reading that part, but it's good, learn from stuff you are unsure of in your story, and work to improve it! With my story I felt the part with the Lawyer was a bit rushed, don't you think?
3846460 Lawyer? I don't remember adding in a lawyer, I'm not really good at pacing when writing stories.
3846468 Srry, I was talking about my story for a sec there, my bad!
3846473 It's okay.
Just showing how to put more emotion in your writing. Your premise is good, your grammar flawless, all I can really complain about is that it needs a little more emotional emphasis. Anyway, got a fave from me!
4115950 I'll be sure to add more emotion, don't worry!
By Scootalove you mean........
4140113 Basically, the beloved Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash stories. Just another word for them.
4140124 You know they're like sisters now right?
4140279 I know, but the name can still apply.
4115950 Thank you, good doctor!
5622912
You're welcome!