One morning in their school in Ponyville, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were thinking of many ways to earn their cutie marks, but they will soon find out that there is more that meet the eye. With Hearths Warming Eve coming closer than anyone expected, the plans for these three fillies will come to light.
In a time of spending time with friends and family, and celebrating the festivities, will Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo finally get their cutie marks? Or will they find out something about each other, along the way?
Chapters (3)
There are so many grammar mistakes in this. Mostly missed capitals after commas.
AND
"I'm going to be teaching you fillies about the importance of finding your cutie mark and learning about your destiny.''
On the show there are male ponies in the school and "fillies" refers to females so that should have been "fillies and colts" or just remove the word fillies because its unnecessary.
If you dont fix the grammar problems then nobody will read more then the first sentence.
3651009 Thank you for pointing that out for me! Have any other advice for me?
3652583 NEVER rush your work allways try to write at your own pace. If a story is worth reading people will patiently wait for updates.
This is a huge improvement over the first chapter I cant see any obvious mistakes. Keep it up Im interested to see where this story goes.
3656297 I'll keep up the good work!
this seemed really rushed. but it was a good read either way
3755115 I'll definitely work on the pacing, thank you!
Oh this seems like it will be fun. I like the CMC's antics though this is the first time I've read a story centered on them.
Running off into the forbidden Everfree Forest on a whim to get their cutie marks and assignment done with no concern for consequence or planning ahead does seem like something they would do. Like when they went in there to retrieve Fluttershy's chicken. Though they ended up in trouble for that I think they only promised to listen to Fluttershy and not sneak out of the house, and didn't say anything about not sneaking into the Everfree Forest.
Now for a few things about the story that I noticed while reading.
I don't think Teachers and Students are considered classmates of eachother, I think that term is reserved for students in relation to other students.
Something like "her class" or "her students" would probably be more proper.
Seem's a bit awkward. Maybe split the dialogue up into two sections.
The first of Sweetie Belle recognizing where they are and speaks normally, then a second section where she notices the box and screams her discovery?
It also seems a bit odd that she is so scared of a box as opposed to excited or surprised. She could be scared but perhaps elaborate a little on why she is, maybe she thinks it's growing legs or that it's another tentacle sprouting.
Now then, off to chapter 2 to find out what happens next!
The concepts here I really like, it does make for an interesting situation to see how the CMC would act if one of them succeeded.
I really enjoyed the little touches, Applebloom's morning and comments on the orchard felt very natural
And a pinky promise is always good for a giggle
The next section I am trying to put constructive criticism but after proof reading I believe that in my efforts to try to clearly explain my confusion I think I might appear overly negative, please understand that is not the case I was only trying to put my jumbled thoughts into less confusing words.
I think I see what you were going for with the story but it was somewhat confusing to read.
Honestly this entire conversation confuses me, I feel like I am perhaps missing something obvious.
Why is the white flash their answer, what conclusion did they draw?
Why is having a week of vacation left relevant to the 3 seconds they take to check if their cutiemark is there?
Why are they looking astonished at each-other, and why does whatever they saw lead into their next plan?
By the accent it seems like Apple Bloom is speaking so its possible she thinks the others have their cutiemarks too and thus makes the suggestion to see what their cutiemarks are for. Or she is feigning not having a cutiemark and suggesting they need to do other things to find them during the week, it seems there needs to be more information there. Like a paragraph where Apple Bloom finds out she is the only one with a cutiemark and how she reacts to that.
It was not clear to me how the CMC failed to notice Apple Blooms cutiemark as it would be displayed clear as day on her flanks. Either I completely read over the explanation or it needs one. Anything from wearing her CMC cape 24/7 suddenly or muddying up her flanks to cover the mark would work.
Also a bit of continuity break, the last chapter ends with.
But that plotpoint seems to be forgotten here as they head for the clubhouse briefly discuss the light among themselves and never bring it up again.
Grammar Pony
You don't need the comma after Scootaloo.
This might just be a personal gripe but having feeling and feeling so close together looks weird to me. Something like "the sadness that she is feeling" perhaps. But again that could just be personal preference.
I don't think pointing out the number of limbs they have is worthwhile unless it is nonstandard. You don't mention somebody walking on her two feet or shaking her one head. you probably could make mention of somebody having only 3 hoofs if they were missing a leg to remind the reader, but I don't think it works with normal amounts.
3953794 Overall, I screwed up. Thanks for the criticism though!
Not nearly as bad as mine dude.
Just pacing mostly.
Other then that, t'was a good read.
Plus you have 10x more followers then I do, and it makes sense lol.
My first was supposed to be a school project untill it was rejected due to it being fan fiction and not original.
Anyways here's a hoofshake and hope to keep in touch.
Yes I know your some random person on the Internet, but I need friends just as much as Twilight did.
4778018 I guess you're right.
Okay I like the concept but the whole story felt so...rushed. I mean it's like a movie that just cuts out all the good parts. The dialogue felt a little awkward, forced even, it just didn't feel natural to me. I was really hoping to read about the CMC going into the forest and exploring and having an adventure. So when it cut to them being in the clubhouse I was dissapointed.
Obviously, as some other people have already pointed out there are quite a few grammar errors and such which can be improved. I understand that this was written in December last year so its probably not as good as some of your newer stories. I kind of decided to sit down and read a whole bunch, giving them a review as I go.
The story itself isn't bad, it just could be a bit better. If I were to rate this story I would give it a 5/10. Which is average, but quite generous in this story's case.
Keep up the good work and I look forward to what you have in store for the next bunch of stories I'm going to review.
4782067 I'll be sure to stay consistent with my pacing, I promise you that! Thanks for the review!