• Member Since 20th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 20th, 2017


The window through which we perceive life is what defines our experience of it. We are only aware of a small fraction of what our senses pick up. We can all choose how we see the world.


On a day like this, Applejack comes down with a cold after finishing up her work in the orchard. Rarity, who wants to help her friend with her problem, comes to check up on her, and does everything in her power to get her better.

Featured on August 18th, 2014

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 29 )

Good story. :twilightsmile:

Corey #2 · Aug 18th, 2014 · · 7 ·

Thank god no RariJack. I hate that pairing.

4870717 Thank you. :twilightsmile:
4870718 Sorry to hear that. :rainbowderp:

Thank YOU!
What about Sparity?

Can you do another aj sick story?:duck::unsuresweetie::pinkiehappy::pinkiecrazy:

4870744 That depends. :rainbowwild:

Sweeeeeet. Sparity is best shipping. :pinkiehappy:

4870750 It is one of the best.:moustache::raritywink:

My shipping goggles are glued to my face, so I felt the feels anyway. All kidding aside, this was adorable! :rainbowkiss:

4870755 Glad that you liked it! This idea came into my mind this morning, so I decided to become the ultimate opportunist and write it down. :raritywink:

...golden honey CAME OUT of the jar and into the teacup. She ROTATES the spoon...

A bit of tense confusion there, but sweet story. :pinkiesmile:

4870791 I'll fix that right now. :raritywink:

Aw the picture is so cute! :rainbowkiss: I must say, I really enjoyed this. Good job, here have a favourite, upvote, and follow. :twilightsmile:

4870881 Thank you for all three! :twilightsmile:

4870885 No problem! Any great author deserves it. :raritywink::twilightsmile:

Hi there! Thought I'd drop by, read your story, and mention any thoughts that came to mind. You know, as a sort of friendly feedback-type thing.

Before I get to the story, there's a period in your description that shouldn't be there, right between "her" and "an." Pretty sure it's a typo, but I thought I'd mention it.

On a first read-through, I didn't see any deal-breaking errors. Grammar and punctuation is pretty solid, and the story flows well enough. That said, I do have some suggestions that I think could help you take this to the next level.

First, the opening felt really rushed. We're barely with AJ for two sentences before everything goes wrong (well, in the context of the story anyway). I would have appreciated a little more of a setup, some time to experience the orchard with AJ before the rain forces her inside. It would have made the contrast between sickness and health more noticeable.

Second, why is Rarity coming to Sweet Apple Acres? Does she know AJ is sick? How long has AJ been bedridden? She says she 'noticed [AJ] wasn't in the orchard,' but how is this, exactly? Sweet Apple Acres is on the outskirts of Ponyville, and I'm not sure how Rarity would notice such a thing from town.

My main point here is that Rarity seems to lack a clear motivation for being at the farm in the first place. This is simple enough to fix - stating that Rarity already knows about AJ's illness and is coming to check on her, or that she has some other business there - and for me at least, it would give the story a greater sense of continuity, rather than just having Rarity go there for the sake of the plot.

The way you've written Rarity is a bit weird, too. Here are some quotes to illustrate:

I can’t imagine myself doing that though, a lady has priorities.

This line seems to cross the line into disrespect or disdain. Sure, it's hard to picture Rarity being a farm girl, but she and AJ have a mutual respect for what the other does, even if it's not something they would do themselves.

I would walk the ends of Equestria to nurse you back to health, you stay comfy while I make you some tea.

Again, the "Eww!" seems too over-the-top for Rarity. It also hurts her credibility when she says she's concerned for AJ's health. I get what you're going for, though, and maybe a facial expression ("Rarity grimaced") would serve you better here.

One freshly brewed cup of tea coming right up, prepared with friendship and love.

I'm not really sure where to go with this one. Rarity just doesn't seem the type to say "prepared with friendship and love." That seems like more of a random Pinkie Pie-ism.

The last thing I'll mention is the purpose of this story. I've re-read it a couple times, and I'm left stuck with the impression that I'm missing something - a meaning, as it were. AJ gets sick, and Rarity comforts here - all well and good. But where's the 'so what'? Were they supposed to learn something? Maybe I'm just not seeing it.

Anyhow, that's all I have for this one. Best of luck!

4871209 I'm glad that you told me what's wrong with the story and how I can improve, maybe I should have fleshed it out a bit more. :twilightsmile: Also, thank you.

I don't get why she whispered, "Generosity..." at the end. Going to a friend's house and helping them with a few things when you find out there sick is just amicable. Was it supposed to be a Citizen Kane reference? There wasn't even any introspection.

4874863 Yes, it was supposed to be a reference to Citizen Kane.

I really like the story, but it seems very rushed. From how AJ caught the cold to how long Rarity stayed to help her out. And.....AJ wears her hat to bed? I've seen her take it off in the show (you could say she tried to hide her blush with her sheets and it would be equally adorable). I don't mind that you didn't add romance because just friend helping friend is still adorable. I would like to read this again if you decide to update a lengthened version. :raritywink:

I cringed when you described the mucus tissues, I hate colds and can relate to AJ.:ajsmug:

5078195 Thank you for the feedback! :twilightsmile:

:ajsmug: I love this! I'd love to see another sick AJ story with care taking Rarity :raritywink:

Hey bud. It has come to our attention that we have never read one of your stories before.:pinkiegasp:

We really liked this one. We haven't really seen that many unwell pony stories on this site. Writing one shots is hard (At least for us because they always turn into massive stories). But in our opinion you did great.

5836553 Thanks, there are a small amount of one shot stories you can find of mine or other stories that I write. :pinkiehappy:

Thanks for not making this another lesbian ship :raritystarry::ajsmug:

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